Living Room/TV issues on access weekends

[Petal02]

This is one of my main bugbears, and has caused me major frustration over the last few days, as we had SS (age 16) from Thurs-Sun.

When I was a child, we watched kid?s programmes when we came in from school, and then at 6pm the news came on, and after that my parents pretty much decided what was on TV because they were the adults, I never saw myself as a deprived child, I had a TV in my bedroom which I could watch if I didn?t want to watch my parents programmes.

However when SS visits, he?s generally glued to the sofa, and surgically attached to the remote control. No one is physically stopping me from entering the lounge, but I?ve no desire to watch round-the-clock cartoons with an unwashed lump, so I tend to retreat upstairs. DH gets really cross when I retreat, it really winds him up, but it?s not HIM I?m retreating from. SS has a TV in his bedroom, but prefers ours at it?s a wider screen (I think boys like things like that) and DH argues that he doesn?t want SS to spend each access weekend in his bedroom, as they?d never get to see each other. I think DH?s ideal situation would be for me to sit with SS watching his choice of programmes eg, cartoons, super-hero dvds etc.

There have been many times when I?ve suggested that SS has control over the TV until I?ve cleared up after dinner, after which it should be ?grown-up? time. DH will agree to do this, but will never enforce the ?ruling? unless I apply pressure. He?s often said we shouldn?t need to have schedules in our own home ? well fine, I agree in theory, but without any schedules SS ends up taking over. When I?m a 50% stakeholder in our house, I resent having to sit upstairs like teenager watching TV in my bedroom.

I know that on access weekends, ?normal rules? go out of the window, and normal standards of behaviour/expectations are not enforced because Disney Dads over- indulge their children, at the expense of their new relationships.

AIBU?? Obviously I wouldn?t dare post these comments on that particular board, I?d be burnt at stake!

I mean, at what point should an adolescent stop joining in with their parents social life, simply because they've not bothered to cultivate any life of their own?

I find it very odd that a 16 year old would be watching cartoons all weekend?

Does he not have any homework/mates to hang around in shopping centres and parks with/cider to drink secretly at a girl's house?

On the social life point - it depends, I would probably have lvoed to go to xmas market when I was 16 with my mum, girlie day out sort of thing? But 16 YO bloke and on mass, sounds weird.

Do the boys ever do anything by themselves? Nothing to do with him being a step son, I think its nice to spend time with parents individually as well as en famille.

My dsd who is 15 spends her time here either in bed until lunchtime or until I shout st her to get up, in the bath or shower for at least an hour or just glued to the sofa! I seriously think she doesn't drink much just so she doesn't need to get up to wee! She is a lovely girl, very quiet though and will literally only speak to her dad once I've gone to bed!

Dh has gotten better in not letting her stay up until 3am etc but still takes a bit of encouraging to make her do chores etc and so I usually just tell her and my Ds what they are doing at the same time!

What is worrying me is although we are 50 miles from her friends she still thinks it us a good idea to move in with us when she is 16... Arghhhh not good as we don't have much room here anyway And I seriously think it'll mean that dh and I will never have Ny time alone!

Right, as step mum to now 18 yo dss I understand your frustration but..

you are over thinking this. It is very normal for 16yo boys to veg on the sofa watching crap telly or flicking from cartons to football. Or you walk out of the room to make a drink and the bugger has turned over to the sport and so on.

It is normal for 16yo boys to go on family days out and do their best disinterested look all day whilst lagging behind parents. Chances are you just dont notice them. (they're 10 paces behind). You should not be embarrassed about him going

I think as others have said dh needs to step up and establish how much control dss has over the telly. dss will still turn up. And yes a sport would be good. But bear in mind though you will probably be ferrying him to and from (no, their legs dont work either) which can be a pain.

However, remember he will get a social life, he will come up less. dss went from weeekly at 16 to monthly by 18. Now he is at uni we see him about every 6 weeks for a night. The social skills and conversation do improve eventually. Your life will become freer.

I think this is just an awkward age really.

Wow that analness (if thats a word!) of your DH is just WEIRD. I can't imagine being that rigid about it... It's so arbitrary.

We have been very flexible with DH's kids, more so since moving here to be nearer them. Hardly see DSS (18) anymore which is a shame but it's only because he has a busy life with mates, girlfriends, school, work, volunteering and football training. DSS knows he's welcome here any time and that we are around if needed. DSDs are 12 and we see them in a more regular fashion but it is flexible, they have sleepovers etc, or they may want to come over more for help with a particular school project or whatever. I love the arrangement, as long as we know a day or two in advance it's all good.

Petal how would/will your DH react if DSS suddenly breaks the arrangement? If he gets a girlfriend and doesnt want to stay? Will your DH be devastated?

haven't been back on online till now

mj - we've asked if DSS wants to have friends round, or to visit friends on access weekends but he says no

Sometimes we all do stuff together (e.g. out on bikes, walks whatever) but also he does stuff on his own with DSSs, or with DSSs and DS so I can get on with something else. Tbh I've found it much easier since having DS as I'm either busy bringing him places, or I say DH can take them all somewhere so I can get something done. Before DS it felt like I was always making excuses not to go places with them all.

Oddly though we are all going to see Santa in a couple of weeks because it is an access weekend and I wanted to bring DS. Sounds fun, trailing around 2 teenagers to see Santa! Oddly (but not unusally), they haven't said there is anything else they'd rather be doing. I think it just doesn't cross their minds that as people they actually can have a choice as to how to spend their time, however frequently we tell them

Allnew - I know exactly what you mean, about a stepchild who has no comprehension that he/she can make choices over how he/she spends their time. My SS is simply shuttled backwards and forwards, as per the access rota, and never appears to think beyond that.

Because his weekends are structured in this way, I do wonder if it inhibits him from having any sort of social life, ie "I can't arrange to do x/y/z this weekend, because I'll be with my Dad."

However he's often said he would prefer to spend his access weekends with his Dad than with other boys - which is nice to a point, but at some point, the apron strings need to be loosened.

I also wonder if like my DSS he is an only child at his mum;s thus spends so much time with adults doesn't really make an effort with friends.

My DSS also is glued to the tv, I just go through the tv till we find something we all want to watch, or do alternate programmes, or just switch it off and play games/talk.

No, he isn't an only child, he's one of FOUR! DH has a son and a daughter from his first marriage, his daughter is at Uni, and never stayed with us anyway - and once DH and his ex split up, the ex re-married and now has two more children. So it's not like stepson only gets adult company when he's at his mother's.

Sounds like he's a fairly typical lazy teenage boy who is too lazy to even think for himself.

I think what he is doing is normal, given the circumstances. No-one is encouraging him to do anything else/

As a teenager, I was painfully shy and used to stay in a lot. But my family made me go out and get a Saturday job and although I hated them for it at the time, it was the best thing for me as it forced me to socialise and showed me that I was good at some things which only increased my confidence too.

I think your problem is DP and his ex, to be honest. Don't know what the answer is except to remember that it won't go on forever. Is he is sixth form yet?

I wouldn't expect my teenage kids (and stepkwhen they come, although stepson now young adult) to have no say over the television. That seems a very "children should be seen and not heard" view. On the other hand if there was something I wanted to watch I'd tell them and if I just fancied watching TV I find out how bothered they are about what they are watching, when it finishes and how they'd feel about recording it or watching elsewhere if it's due to run for another couple of hours.
I think you do feel more awkward doing this sort of theing with stepkids as I am quite happy discussing the TV schedule with my kids where as my husband will often hide on the computer when they're here in a way he doesn't when they are not.

Yes I agree it is more difficult when you 'acquire' stepkids when they are already teens to form a parent/child relationship and it feels uncomfortable/unnatural to talk to them in an authoritive way. Also the longer you shy away from it the more established the adult(well adult-ish) child becomes in behaving without considering you - be it hogging tv , hogging your partner even , leaving a Marie Celeste type mess in whichever room theyve inhabited. They behave in this domestic sociopathic way because nobody else in the society is coming forward to tell them otherwise. Because they can i.o.w.

Petal - its Suda btw - this is my Xmas name ! Another thing that strikes me from your post is the no-win situation for s/parents - my DH is the same he will have a go at me if I go and sit in another room/upstairs cos I dont want to sit next to SSs feet on the settee or watch whatever mind-numbing drivel he has blaring on tv - he says I'm being ignorant

• but if I complain however gently or jokingly that SSs feet should be put down when others are sat on settee or could he turn it down a bit or enquire however politely what time it finishes - my DH is so bloody fine-tuned and primed to react to even the slightest negativity from me to his son that he usually leaps to his defence - which I find humiliating and undermining. So no win really. I do find now that my only option - which I hate doing is to point things out/lay down rules directly to s/son when DH is not around e.g. - 'Tonight DSS your Dad and I are watching xyz at such a time so dont plan to watch anything on the main tv then - ok ? Then as soon as DH comes in I will say - oh its ok Ive told 'sonnyboysname' we're watching that and he's ok with that.

Its bloody hard work really - all of it.

You're right there Suda - it's a no win situation, littered with lots of double standards. And it becomes a bigger issue over the Christmas holidays, particularly if my husband is working. We've had a situation before, where husband goes to work on 27th/28th Dec (for example) leaving me at home with SS, and he's taking over the lounge. I've made it extremely clear this year, that if husband is going into work, then SS doesn't need to be hanging round our house, forcing me to retreat to my bedroom. Again, it's this 'access by proxy' thing, which I find insane when we're talking about a 16 yr old.

I think we maybe both struggle with assertiveness. Because really - and I do know how hard it is - we both know we should just simply be able to walk in that room in our house and say to this person in an adult to child or adult to adult way to please could they move up or change channels or ask how long before the programme finishes etc etc and I have so often gone upstairs and screamed to myself - 'what is wrong with you - you are going to go downstairs right now and just say it ! ' Then I get downstairs - sweep into room and just bottle it basically. I also hate confrontation which am sure doesnt help either.

I have certainly not - thankfully - passed this trait onto my DD - grown up with a partner and my DGS. She comes to visit and takes no shit of HWSBM let me tell you. One such time we were sat having a coffee in the lounge and DGS - 6yrs old went in the conservatory to watch Spongebob - his favourite on the big flatscreen in there (which I bought pre moving in with DH - so is mine technically). So then HWSBM rose out of his pit and the next thing DGS comes back in lounge looking very subdued. DD asks DS whats wrong and he says HWSBM has switched Spongebob off and is watching something else and has lay down on the settee - leaving no room for DGS who said he'd been squashed up on the end.

My DD got up went straight in conservatory with DGS in tow - stood over his lordship and with a sweeping motion from the settee to the floor said "FEET !!!" to which HWSBM instantly put his feet on the floor - from shock more than anything I think. She then picked up the remote and switched channels back to Spongebob and said to DGS - 'there you go sweetheart - I'm just through there if you want me' (As if to say to HWSBM - dont even think about it) and came back in the lounge and just carried on talking to me as if nothing had happened.

You would have paid good money to see his face when he skulked off to his room. I'm thinking of hiring DD out if any of you interested ?

Stayfrost - I don't dislike my stepson, but his apathy is infuriating. It's clearly my husband's choice whether he plays squash or not, but regarding the arrangements in question, it would only have meant SS being taken home 30 mins early (following a 4 day stay with us) to accommodate the match - and it's this that I found strange.

Do you not think it's strange that a 16 yr old should still need a strict access regime, and that he's not even vaguely interested in any sort of life outside the house?

Yes and often the DHs feed and nurture resentment from us stepmums sometimes when it even wasnt there in the first place. But will they see that - NO. Read my post on 'my' thread about my weekend and you will see what I mean - well am sure you will Petal at least - others may not. Its like which comes first the chicken or the egg. Any dislike or animosity towards grown up stepchildren is in many cases reactive to the parents and the stepchilds behaviour and not proactive. Only a true wicked stepmother would actively dislike their stepchild from day one. Most of us on here are basically very nice people and hate the fact we are sometimes pushed and pushed into feeling this way.

Bah Humbug - you're spot on there.

Stayfrosty - very few of us dislike our step children from the start, but resentment builds up when their (Disney) Dads treat them with extreme reverence, often making normal domestic life very difficult. Just one example of a double-standard in our household: I'm not supposed to use the downstairs loo when my stepson is with us (the poor lamb may be traumatised if he realised women have bladders) yet if he wants to walk round almost naked in front of me, then that's fine! Lots of us have to deal with guilt-ridden, non-resident fathers who try and 'compensate' by overindulging their children to ridiculous levels. And in poor Bah-humbug's case, she's has a full time stepson, age 23, who (in his father's eyes) is solid-gold, diamond encrusted and can do no wrong!

Try and and imagine feeling like the black sheep of the family whenever the stepchild is around, and you'll maybe realise how resentment starts to build.

Oh yes Petal - I get the low slung round the loins - about to drop off - towel look in my lounge kitchen etc.

Yet my DH never kisses me or puts his arm round me in front of stepson although very tactile when he's not there and you know why not - wait for it.....

we'll embarrass the poor lad.

Stayfrosty - I make every attempt to stand up for myself at home, which has resulted in some enormous rows. It's practically the only thing that DH and I fall out about. But to no avil. Which is why I post here.

I don't have children, but if I did - then I would be mortified if he/she showed such worrying apathy, and would address the issue. And if such a child existed, it wouldn't surprise me if any other adult also found him/her frustrating.

I would be upset if anyone talked about either of my two now grown up chlidren - years ago - if they had ended up being anyones stepchild. But the reason I would be upset is because of their behaviour in relation to the way I brought them up. I would of course be more upset if I found that the complaints were untrue or born of malice and would defend them. But as long as I was satisfied that they really were basically justified complaints then I would be horrified yes - but not for the reasons you cite Frosty. I would also try and intervene to help stop either of them wrecking someone elses home life and tell them in no uncertain terms i was disappointed in them.
Also it would depend on their age - I know 16 is still technically a child but that is not to say too young to know you are unwashed and that some people around you might find this unaccepteable. Its also an age where you can make that choice - its not like calling a 5 year old child who neither parent has given a bath in two weeks - 'an unwashed lump' - that would be nasty and unfair I agree.

Bahhumbug - that's just the point. If I had a child, whose behaviour caused other people distress and unhappiness, then I would wish to correct that behaviour. Obviously I wouldn't tolerate false or malicious allegations. But the comments I make about my stepson are neither false nor malicious - I just wish he'd cultivate a life beyond the television.

And like me I bet you wish your DH would move on from a life beyond Daddy and small child to Dad and grown up son - which even your SS is really or the relationship should be moving from that protective daddy mode to an adult to adult relationship IMO and in both our cases.