Dear Non Step Parents

[prettyfly1]

As you will see from the title this is a mini forum for those of us helping in the raising of other womens children.

Most of us who are honest will know that sometimes raising our own children is extraordinarily difficult at the best of times, and if we are honest, we may always love them but we dont always like them. If we are honest as mothers, we also know we are not perfect parents and can make some collossal clangers in raising our kids.

It is with this in mind that I ask you BEFORE you post on this thread to consider how hard doing this job with a child not biologically ours, who has been/ is going through the disruption and agony of a split in his/her family could be. We are often hated merely for not being a childs mother or father, and have to face daily issues surrounding our roles, responsibilites and rights. Like every other parent (which we are just not by birth) we have good and bad times with our step children. Sometimes we can be unreasonable, sometimes they are, but like all biological parents, we also need somewhere to vent our spleens sometimes, be unreasonable and horrid and just get it out.

This may be difficult for you to hear, particularly if you imagine your child to be the one being spoken about, however the fact that there is somewhere safe for us to get advice, support, and sometimes just a "I know what you are going through", far from showing how evil we are, shows how human we are and allows us to be better step parents and role models to the children we are involved with.

Very few step mothers set out to make mistakes or find it hard, much like very few mothers set out to screw up or make mistakes. We all do it and we all try not to, so please, if you feel the need to express your opinions to women going through this, try and do it constructively, thoughtfully and with compassion.

Yours sincerely STEP PARENTS

It's certainly an added complication. On the other hand men my age (40s) who have never had children I am more put off than those who are divorced with children (at my age). If I were in my 20s I'd be seeking out one without children though as why court the trouble and hassle of an ex wife, child arrangements, divided love and all the rest and of course much less money that a step family means?

I certainly wasn't criticising step mothers except those in set ups where they have stolen a man away from a marriage rather than sought out someone single. Two men (friends supposedly) last week in the SAME week both married, one to a new-ish second wife suggested what they ought not to suggest. I should now be awarded with my "Medal for not going near other women's husbands" but no one hands those out, but I did find it disappointing that they would. Anyway that's not the topic of the thread and a lot of women just fall in with that and steal someone away from his wife.

If you're step mother without it starting from adultery that's a very different situation and indeed we will all know widowed men bringing up children alone and presumably they ultimately often remarry.

Xenia you have the right to your opinions as does everyone else but if I must be honest if I treated my dss as though he were nothing to do with me, refused to deal with him etc etc we would have a very disjointed family where he felt like he was not part of it.

Avoiding men who have kids is a solution for some women, but for us that isnt the case and I for one dont regret it for a second.

I think the thing to remember is that every family and each individual person in that family are very different and require very different things. There is no "if you do this it will all work out" which is what makes it so difficult, some things work for some families and not for others, much like every issue facing "biological" families. You just muddle your way through and hope for the best.

Yes, I know and I wasn't suggesting having nothing to do with step children and much depends on their age but a lot of men do seem to leave the problems they have with their own chidlren to their new wives in an unfair way. Men can do washing as much as women and ensuring step children see gender equality at home is good for them even if that means it's their father getting school uniforms ready not their mother and sometimes problems are foisted on to the step mother when it should be the father sorting them out so standing back and not getting involved in contentious things can sometimes be a good way to work particularly as that other family and the father may simply have a long standing different way of doing things from what the new stepmother thinks is the way to deal with children.

It's not very fair if the child has always been taught it is fine to do X and now their step mother is saying no it's not fine when in fact both X and Y are just different ways of doing things. Anyway lots of talking I am sure does help people.

I think so to, but I think what you have just described is an issue that faces all families, which kind of proves the point I am trying to make. We all face issues over money, domesticity, our kids, and discipline etc with our partners and families be they new and blended or older and biological.

My mum and dad have been married for 32 years and they still row about that stuff now. It is just the nature of human relationships and having somewhere to discuss and get it out like mn is a lifesaver.

That's truye although I don't face that at all as I'm single. Is that why single women are happier and have better mental health than married women?

Bless you, you lovely step mothers!

Maybe mine wouldn't have taken me down the shed and thrashed me with a carpet beater or punched me in the face and broken my nose if this forum had been around for her to post how disgusting the 2 small girls she had taken on were!

Sore point with me as you can see!!

How awful Madame there really are some terrible people in the world who shouldn't have children be they biological or step.

Luckily the majority of parents aren't like that.

That's true. I don't know the statistics as to whether step parents abuse more than parents. If there is a natural dislike of incest (I'm sure there is) then stepfathers perhaps are therefore more likely statistically than natural fathers to abuse in that way but most don't and nor do most step mothers go the way of the Hansel & Gretel story although without doubt it is harder to love a step child particularly a difficult teenager one you have just taken on rather than an adorable 2 year old who will bond with and love you.

I was 3 Xenia when she met me - my sister 5 - we were all blonde ringlets and gappy teeth - she sent us away to live with my paternal grandmother until I turned 6 as she wanted time alone with my father.

If you had her on here she would deny all of it.

Any way there we go - just sticks in my gall a bit - not all stepmothers are lovely and not all step kids are monsters!

Madame I am so sorry you experienced that, how truly awful for you. I am just glad that most of us arent like that and am sorry it has left you feeling apparently so angry at a whole group of society. I also dont really like the insinuation that a step is more likely to be abusive. Thanks for that post xenia - level headed and I think fair.

Actually pretty fly I didn't insinuate anything of the sort and believe me I see the sort of abuse that would make you sob and sob most days at work and I'd say it is a pretty even split.

My comment about the insinuation wasnt aimed at you - it is something that is assumed a lot hence I imagine why Xenia mentioned it and I was replying to her. This is meant to be a very positive thread so whilst I am truly sorry for your experiences I will leave my comments there if you dont mind.

I know mj I loved that one too - Dreamteamgirl you are a credit and I wish everyone was like you!!

As much as I like my step-mum, I would like to take a moment to say how absolutely fabulous my step-dad is. He has never, in any way, suggested we were less to him than his own children - and I know we are not. He is the best man I have ever known, and when he was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago it was a destruction. What truly brought it home was when he emailed and said the worst thing for him was our reaction and how upsest we were. At such times there are no distinctions between step and non-step, we simply loved him and wanted him to get well.

He is well, now. The tumour hasn't gone but it is controlled. I would honestly walk into fire for him. Love is not blood, it is much more powerful than that.

trib what an amazing story. Woman or man it takes someone special to give as much as your step dad has and I am so delighted you have more time with him.

I haven't read many of the posts but I would like to say I agree with the OP, my step-dad is the best step-dad I could have wished for and even though my mum and step-dad have split (they were never actually married) we are still close and I still consider him my family.

However this works both ways, my step-mother is an evil witch who loathes me for simply existing, and has tried eveything in her power to ruin my (and my siblings) relationship with our Dad. There are serious jealousy issues. She seems to beleive that when you re-marry, you start a completely new family and leave the old one behind. She put her and Dads children first everytime, and treats them very differently to me and my brothers and even her boys from a previous marriage. It's very sad for my step-brothers (who I adore!) .

I am not a step mum (although my husband had a stepmum who was actually very mean to him and treated him very differently to her own after the death of his mother)
But I just wanted to say that I do admire you 'nice'step mums out there because I don't think I could do it myself. I would imagine it is very hard work and you take a lot of the blame for things when you shouldnt. respect!

great post prettyfly - and great comments from everyone - really nice to see such a thoughtful discussion on what can be tricky relationships. I have not experienced being a step parent - and have huge respect for those that are - but I do have some insights from the other direction (of being a step child) that I thought may be worth sharing.

I have had a step mum and a step dad since I was ten (now in my 30s). My brother, sister, mum and I left Dad to move in with my step dad (who was a family friend) at that point. Although clearly there were some tough times for all involved in the early days, I can honestly say we (as kids) were 110% shielded from all that. I never heard my parents fight as a child and never heard them (or my step parents) say a bad word about each other (not until I was in my 20s at least - mum couldn't help herself with the odd Dad-dig after that point...!). We lived with mum and my step dad and when we were in the same city to visit, we would all stay together, have xmas together etc. My siblings and I would always happily get happy mothers and fathers day cards sorted for each four parents. A 'model' divorce is how people have often talked about it to me and my family over the years.

Six months ago my step dad died from a very aggressive form of prostate cancer - we had six weeks from him being diagnosed as terminal till he passed. It has been such a devastating blow for all our family but we have so many happy memories of all our times together with my step dad to hold dear. My DS is an only grandchild to all four of my parents and his Poppa was his firm favourite.

I guess my message is that even if there are tough times along the road in being a step parent - those of you that have said that 'love is thicker than blood' are so right. I would walk over hot coals to bring my step dad back - and the memories I have of our times together are so precious.

PS - my Dad was a pall bearer at my step dads funeral - and it was my step dads request.

kiwi- your story made me well up.
Thank you

Love this thread.

Thats a lovely story kiwi albeit very sad too.

kiwi that's an amazing story. It sounds like all 4 of your parents got it just right. How lovely for you to have all those people to love and to love you.