Dear Non Step Parents

[prettyfly1]

As you will see from the title this is a mini forum for those of us helping in the raising of other womens children.

Most of us who are honest will know that sometimes raising our own children is extraordinarily difficult at the best of times, and if we are honest, we may always love them but we dont always like them. If we are honest as mothers, we also know we are not perfect parents and can make some collossal clangers in raising our kids.

It is with this in mind that I ask you BEFORE you post on this thread to consider how hard doing this job with a child not biologically ours, who has been/ is going through the disruption and agony of a split in his/her family could be. We are often hated merely for not being a childs mother or father, and have to face daily issues surrounding our roles, responsibilites and rights. Like every other parent (which we are just not by birth) we have good and bad times with our step children. Sometimes we can be unreasonable, sometimes they are, but like all biological parents, we also need somewhere to vent our spleens sometimes, be unreasonable and horrid and just get it out.

This may be difficult for you to hear, particularly if you imagine your child to be the one being spoken about, however the fact that there is somewhere safe for us to get advice, support, and sometimes just a "I know what you are going through", far from showing how evil we are, shows how human we are and allows us to be better step parents and role models to the children we are involved with.

Very few step mothers set out to make mistakes or find it hard, much like very few mothers set out to screw up or make mistakes. We all do it and we all try not to, so please, if you feel the need to express your opinions to women going through this, try and do it constructively, thoughtfully and with compassion.

Yours sincerely STEP PARENTS

I've got to say my daughter had both step mother and step father. To her her step mother was great and from a dispassionate point of view I agree. However when her step mother referred to me as "the bloody bitch" more than once in front of her I stopped overnight access. I appreciate its difficult my husband is her step-father and there have been issues but abusing the childs mother in front of the child I don't think so!!!!!!

Prettyfly - as a Stepmother all I can say is here here - a tough job where you have very little voice and appreciation.

I'm also a 'Bio Mum' as well and seen things from the other side so to speak. I've been on the biggest Stepmothers UK Forum a couple of times. Some of the bile there directed at Biological Mothers is downright nasty. I know its a safe place for women (and the occasional man) to say what they can't say to anyone in their 'real life' but as a Bio Mum myself I found it occassionally very unpleasant.

So here's to both sides showing the other a bit more appreciation,tact and respect for the sake of the people who really matter - our children, step or otherwise.

I don't want to be negative on this thread either, so I will just say this;

I loathe my DS' SM for what she & my ex did to my family, but I still respect her for what she does with and for my son.
He loves her and she seems to love him, and my final instruction to him as he leaves for time with them, is 'be good and do what daddy and Sarah tell you to' so he doesn't get any ideas about playing up to her and thinking that I would support that behaviour

I wouldn't have her job for all the tea in china!!!
Its hard enough when your own child that you have known his whole life is naughty and mean, but you know they dont mean it. It must be hell when you are thrown in the deep end with a 3 year old, especially when some folk go out of their way to make life hard for them, or encourage their DCs not to respect them

So, yes its a tough job you have- but then its a tough job we ALL have- parenting that is.

Nice post

My dp is step father to my 5 year old dd. He is amazing and treats her exactly the same as our dd together. She loves him and he loves her

Its nice to see an acknowledgement of how hard step parents work and how wonderful they can be x

At the moment I am going through a tough divorce. My step son and his fiance have been a rock. They have not cut me off from seeing my step-grandson, they never get involved or take sides, and I never try to involve them in what is happening. My step son has been a fantastic step brother to my son and although I do somethings different to how I did when my stepson was a teenager (I used it as a learning curve) there are many things that I do the same.

I also never tried to be my step-sons mother, he has his own mother, who went on to have another son, when my step-son came to live with me. He has proved to be a great half-brother, although when I meet his brother I would always just say brother. I also would babysit for my step-sons brother, having stay over at our place.

Whatever the reasons for the break down of relationships, it is never the childrens. I always made sure that I took his feeling into account. I am so glad to say that it all paid off.

Good post prettyfly.

My DCs are about to get a step parent. I never wanted them to have a step parent and they get no choice in the matter. The hardest thing for me to accept is they will have a life that I am not part of, am actively excluded from knowing anything about what they got up to.

I loathe the woman who is about to play a major part in their lives, she has two DCs of her own, who will be living full time with the new family, mine will never be the centre of attention in this new family and will always be the interlopers. They will not get treated equally, no matter how hard the step and their father try because they do not live with them all the time and in the past eight months there have been too many incidents to show that her prince and princess will always take priority.

Not all step parents are bad but for those of us who did not choose this path, it is very hard to accept and adjust to. I feel I am losing half of my childrens life to a person I have no respect for.I keep silent because when they are there, if she wants to take revenge she can. One DC came back the other week and said, steps DD says you are a bitch mummy, what does that mean.

It hurts like hell and unless you have had your children taken away from you for part of their life - then you do not understand how painful that is.

hi everyone i would just like to say that prettyfly's opener was really lovely.

i am in a wonderful relationship with a man who has 12 year old son; they are both lovel;y wonderful people and while it is still very early days and not having read this thread properly, a yet, i am thankful that there is somehwere so supportive on mn

fwiw i agree with moonbells, my dad has remarried less than two years after mom died and while i understand that he was lonely -we haven't spoken or seen him for over 8 years (through the influence of his new wife). i don't understand how someone can do that to their new partner

Great op prettyfly, good on you. It's so lovely to see a really positive thread about stepmums for a change.

I love my dsd to bits and even though I've recently separated from her Dad, she is still always going to be my dsd as far as I'm concerned, and she'll just be coming to stay with me for the weekend every now and then as well as her Dad.

One of my most treasured possessions is a cushion she bought me that says "mother by chance, friend by choice".

What a lovely OP. Stepmothers have a really difficult ride.

If we do nice things we are muscling in on the mum's territory and trying to take her place and if we discipline the DSDs then that is not our place either.

I was very naive when I first got together with DP and thought because I am nice and DSD is nice then everything would be ok. Sometimes it is bloody hard work but when something nice happens like an unexpected hug or DSD asks for my advice then it is really heartwarming.

There should be a Stepparents Day!! Hallmark have missed an opportunity!

And to all those people who have difficulties with their children suddenly having a stepparent the only advice I can give from the other side of the fence is to keep talking to your ex and try to get along with the new partner. It is better for your child if the adults aren't at loggerheads.

My DSD was not allowed to mention my name at her mum's house for a long time and no, I wasn't the cause of the break-up between her parents.

dreamteam. that attitude is brilliant,

you are totally doing right by your dc.
it must be so hard if the sp caused the break up of your relationship.

worling on the positives is the only way forward

it's much harder to like a child if their mum or dad activately hates you. human nature, because the child will have traits of that person.

All 4 of dss 'parents' have made a massive effort to try and get on. He loves us all, but no one as much as his mum (quite rightly).

Haven't posted much before, but this thread struck a chord. I am a stepmother to 10 year old twin girls as well as having 2 under 3s myself. They don't live with us, but we have had our fair share of difficulties with their mum and as we approach the teenage years I forsee many more challenges ahead. I think it is often a misunderstood relationship. Most articles written on the subject assume there is always animosity towards the stepmother from the stepchildren. However,I have not really experienced this. OP I hope this is seen by as many mums as possible

This is such a fantastic original post, so well written and I'm sure will make people who are normally quick to judge think a bit more carefully. My friend has been a step-mother and has also recently adopted. I have the hugest respect for all the extra hard work that people who do both of these things put in to their relationships with their children.

Prettyfly you have created a wonderful thing here, and thank you MNHQ for acknowledging it.

Prettyfly, what a wonderful OP.

Being a step-parent - much like being a parent - can be lovely and joyous and wonderful, but can also be bloody hard.

I am so happy to have DSS in our lives...he is now 20 and I have known him since he was 9. My DDs adore their big brother. He is their protector.

I would not have lived my life without knowing DSS. I am so proud that DH has 3 such beautiful children. It is lovely now that after the hard years of shared access and maintenance, DSS and DH have the strongest father-son bond that I have ever seen. Mutual love and respect is a wonderful thing.

Bump. Bump. Bump.

A fantastic post - well done.
Parenting is tough - step parenting is the next level.

A stepparents day would be a wonderful idea

Thank you whoknowswhatthefutureholds

At the end of the day my DS is all that matters really, so all being nice to each other is a small price to pay for him to feel safe secure and loved by everyone

As I said to his father once when his car was smashed up the day before DS & I went away 'I still wish that, you know, your d**k would drop off or something, but if you need to use my car whilst DS and I are on holiday then you know where the keys are'

Well done on giving your DSS so much love too. We all have our parts to play in these new styled families dont we?

Well said, prettyfly.
It does often feel like whatever you do you are wrong. DP has very different issues that he faces with my DD compared to mine with his DS - but the key for us has been to keep talking about it all. I really want it to be positive - my dad remarried when I was 22 to a horrible woman who has stopped him from seeing me. That's the last thing I want to hand on to these two lovely (and infuriating at times) children.

Been a step parent i feel you have 'hit the nail on the head' great

My sisters are my sisters. There's no half about the youngest one - even though us elder ones had issues with her mother. (Father defaulting on £20 a fucking month maintenance while stepmother not only bought new carpets but had them ripped up and replaced because she didn't like them after all.)

Mind you, youngest sister has had her own issues with her mother... partly due to meanness and selfishness, partly to do with mental health issues.

What a wonderful forum! I am stepmum to my DPs 3 daughters and one of them is disabled. At first I freaked out at the thought of meeting them, wondering if they'd like me, how to deal with their mum etc etc but here I am about 2 years down the line and we're all getting on great!
The eldest is so excited to have me as her stepmum (me and DP get married next year) and I get lots of love and hugs and kisses from all of them! They tell me they love me, draw me pictures and when they are staying at ours and they need something, the first name they usually call is mine. Melts my heart

I've been SM to my SD since she was 2 and a half, she's now 10 and we have a five yr old and twin girls on the way... As her primary carer over the years (she has residency with us but is with her mum now 2 nights a week)I have found it the most difficult thing I have ever done... I love her very very much but I'm very self critical of how I handle some situations and it doesn't seem to get any easier as the years pass. For me, it is not as instinctive as parenting your own children and one has to be quite 'cerebral'- constantly assessing whether you are being fair and dealing with sibling squabbles fairly. I sometimes feel I have all the responsibility and little 'voice'. DSD is obviously always the priority and the birth parents have the ultimate say... Never mind the complications of keeping other members of the family happy...I can honestly say that I probably spend a larger proportion of my time concerned about my DSD's happiness and making our relationship work than about any other family relationship...

I just keep my eye on the long term goal...maybe one day she will look at me with the eyes of a happy well-balanced adult and say 'Thanks'. That will be enough.

Love and respect to all the step mums out there whose hard work and constant emotional investment so often goes unnoticed or unacknowledged. We all do it for the love of our husbands/partners and the love of our children...

As onlyo says when the woman has stolen the father away from the family (and of course he is even more to blame than her because he was the one committing adultery etc) and then requires priority to her own children it's not likely the stepmother is going to be loved by anyone. But if people do it properly and break up relationships that are not working first, have a decent period totally single (yes people can if they choose keep their knickers/pants on etc even for a decent year or two period believe it or not).. and only then search for someone else and then it's totally different and presumably much easier to accept steps all round.

For some reason quite a few friends do talk to me about being step parents, perhaps because I'm divorced and have children. Some are good at it and some are not. Some can't wait until the step children who live with them leave and other think it's great to have a family life again which they lost in their divorce when they in a sense lost the children.

My children have not had a step parent but I think those who get it right ensure they never become or try to be a parent; never require the children call them their mother or father; leave it to the father to decide matters as they aren't the parent; dont' end up a domestic servant, fathers can hoover and get stuff ready - they are his children, not yours so don't whinge, leave it to him to sort it out and go and lie down or out shopping. Don't be a mug and take on too much and don't make career sacrifices. Amnd if possible avoid it - much much easier to marry a man without children so why court the hassle unless that really is the only type of man you will haev to settle for,.

60% of second marriages where there are children fail so if you're choosing a date with man 1 father or man 1 no children you know where you'd be better off going.

Maybe more second marriages fail when they're not able to function as a family, all be a step family xenia? I didn't go out of my way to find a man who had or didn't have children but I can honestly say our family works very well, for us, and I'm fully involved with every aspect of bringing my dsc's up. I agree that it might not be for everyone though.