Sick step children. :-(

[theredhen]

At the moment we have the 4 x DSC with us. There are a lot of stomach bugs around at the moment, DS had it this week and it seems DSS has had it yesterday at Mums too.

DSD4 has arrived here tonight and thrown up 3 times. She's only 7 and says she wants to talk to Mummy. Mummy simply says "oh dear" and a few ooh and aah's and then hangs up.

A few months ago, DP had a snotty e-mail from ex wife dictating that DP is NEVER to look after the children when they are ill.

Guess who's got a new boyfriend?

So, what happens when DP gets the bug and the 4 DSC are ill? Would you look after 4 sick children?

Well of course I would...if they are on their visit then what else would I do? Send them packing with their germs?

If DSD wants to go home to Mummy, then ask Mummy if she will come and get her....if she says no..well then it's a case of putting up with it.

you just get on with it

if you are with someone with other children then they become part of your life in every way, good or bad

I'm afraid daddy has to have the bad parts as well as the good ...

Ah yes, but if DP is ill it will be me who will be looking after the children while their mother (who they want to be with and who told DP she would take him to court over it) goes out for the weekend.

I know what I would be doing if my DS was ill and his Dad was ill too, I wouldn't expect his girlfriend to look after him and 3 other siblings too. Maybe I'm odd.

Where's DP. surely he can look after them? He should want to. Don't use this as a stick to beat the ex with!

If its your dps weekend to have his kids ex is perfectly entitled to go out

sorry they are his children and they are your step children get on with it

This is bonkers. Your DP is the person responsible for his children, NOT you, regardless of what his ex might think or want.

If she doesn't want him to care for them when they are ill she should keep them at home.

Why didn't your DP send them home if his ex won't let him care for them when they are ill?

they are at their other home. there is no need for them to go back to their mother's. in sickness and in health - it applies to kids too. they happen to be ill on their visit - unfortunately that is just how things are.

You just have to get on with it, I am afraid!

It's crazy and irresponsible to spread a bug about if it can be avoided - which it can with this set-up. Sure ... in a "together" family, you'd have to take the risk that a bug's going to spread, but where there is an opportunity to keep germs away, because the children have another home, then surely to god it's sensible to do so. As far as the ex going out is concerned .... the weekends could be swapped about, so the OP's husband has the children, say, 2 weekends in a row once they're better.

It's nothing to do with dad taking the rough with the smooth etc .... it's about being considerate. There have been similar threads on here before about thoughtless, ill relatives descending on their families. This is the same thing.

Quite obviously, if a child becomes ill during a stay, then of course they must be looked after, but to insist on sending over an ill child regardless of the consequences is selfish. Additionally, like it or not, in step situations, where children have 2 homes, it's inevitable usually that the home where they spend the majority of their time is regarded as the home, and the place they feel most comfortable. And where do most people want to be when they're ill ? .... at home, in familiar surroundings - it's actually quite mean IMO to deny an ill child that. On top of that, if contact involves a car journey to and from dads (can be hours for some step kids)
I also think it's bloody selfish to insist your children leave you when they're poorly ... who wants a long car trip if they're feeling/being sick ?

My son is a stepchild and when he was ill I never insisted his dad have him regardless. It wasn't about making my ex "do his duty", or about how it affected any plans I'd made .... it was about doing what was genuinely best for my son, and that was keeping him in his own bed, with all his own things (inevitably most step kids will have less "stuff" at their 2nd home) and, about being a decent human being and not spreading D&V, chicken pox, flu or whatever around unnecessarily.

I'd be furious if my children (or myself for that matter) caught something relatively serious and/or unpleasant from an ill child - for example, a schoolfriend - whose parent had knowingly sent them round to mine. This situation is no different and objecting to it does NOT mean the OP is uncaring.

If DP and I were the only 2 parents of the children, then of course, it goes without saying that we would look after them without question. As it is, we will do so anyway.

My point was that if DP gets too ill to look after them, shouldn't the Mother then step in? After all, we have the children for her when she is too ill to look after them.

If my DS was ill and wanted to come home, I would want him to be with me, especially if I wasn't working.

This is the woman who made it very clear that under no circumstances that DP was to look after the children when they were ill and he was to drive them back to her house. Now when her children want to go back to their Mum, she dismisses them.

Everyone is entitled to a break from children, however, it is only BM out of the three of us who gets that.

Them saying they want to be with their mum backs up what I was saying before and is quite natural, however much it might not be PC to say so. She must have a very hard heart not to take them back when they're asking for her ... much as I'm sure they love their dad, they want their mum. I say again .... it's not about shirking the more unpleasant bits of childrearing, it's about doing what's best for the kids at the time and it'd seem they'd feel better with her. But obviously a night out - or a break - or whatever is far more important for some people .... and I say that as someone who was a single mum for 9 years so yes, I do appreciate how valuable a break is but some things are more important and you just have to swallow it. Insisting dad "does his bit" isn't the answer is it, if it's not what kids want when they're feeling bad.

Considering her previous remarks anyway, I think it's pretty shitty and selfish to put her sex life first when her kids are ill ... and however competent you and your husband are at looking after them, that's not the point if they're pining for their mum and their "main" home.

You cant have it all ways OP. I bet if they werent ill, you and their father wouldnt be wanting to send them home every time they asked for their mum. Make their father look after them. After all he is their dad!!!

Anyway, he isnt ill and it sounds like you just want to send them straight back to mum at the first sign of trouble.

Maybe you just dont like the idea that their mum has a bf - bit sour grapes perhaps - or as a LP do you not think she is allowed a life too

But they ARE ill, and they want their mum, which is what most ill children tend to do !!

It's NOT about him avoiding being their dad ... it's about making them feel better when they're ill.

Why the heck should OP have sour grapes about ex having a BF ? What she objects to (apart from what I've outlined above) is the woman's hypocrisy. She has laid down the law about illness previously but forgotten that particular principle once she had a boyfriend. No-one's suggesting she shouldn't have a life and I know having been a single mum that you have little choice but to put your kids 1st most of the time, making breaks especially precious .... but it's off to deny them the comfort of being with mum so you can go out/have a shag .... stuff which could be postponed for heaven's sake.

BTW cats mother I am a single mum too and my kids spend the vast majority of their time with me, which I am quite happy with. Kids never go off to dad if they are ill as they have little children in their house.

I just get the feeling from the OP's post she just wants to rant about the BM. Anyway, how do we know she has gone for a shag, has SM bugged her house!!!!!

I get what theredhen is saying, if my children were ill I wouldn't want them anywhere else but with me (even elastamum agrees with that ).

And if they became ill while they were away from me and called me I would have them back like a shot - all arrangements cancelled. But it sounds like she knew one of them had been ill, another was ill, and the others were likely to become ill and sent them off anyway. How can anyone think this is right??

I think there cannot be hard and fast rules when DSC are ill. On occasion, when DD was very little, I did have to put my foot down and say that the DSSs were not to come to our house with bugs/a temperature - I really couldn't manage the risk of DD getting ill as I have no support and I preferred that the DSSs stay home with their mother and/or nanny.

We obviously don't know if the ex in question has gone for a shag, but with a new BF on the scene and a sudden about-face re: getting rid of kids when ill, I'd say it was a pretty even bet !!

Anyway .... we've had this situation, but in reverse .... when my daughter had D&V, really badly (to the extent we'd had to take her to the emergency GP) .... horrific projectile vomitting etc. Yet my DP's ex, despite being told this, insisted on sending the skids over (well, demanded that DP made a 220 mile round trip to get them - and he was too much of a wimp to say no, so was just as angry with him). Okay ... I guess it would be her lookout if the skids returned with D&V, but not much consolation for the children themselves going through it. Additionally, I had a huge amount of cleaning up to do that weekend (bedding, furnishing, carpets, clothes - it was ghastly) apart from nursing - and obviously, with 2 more kids in the mix, DP couldn't really help - and was also out of the house for 10 hours driving to and fro. Apart from that consideration, I just thought it was really selfish of both the ex and my DP to expose the skids to it. Bottom line for me is .... if your child is seriously ill, you just don't expose other kids to it if you can possibly avoid it.

Look I agree with you in principle cats mother but also know from experience that a lot of re married couples run their lives to their own convenience where step children are concerned. I know my ex does. Him and his new wife just assume that I dont have anything to do but re arrange my schedule to fit their needs. They also juggle things to make sure they either have all of the children staying or none of them. When you are the one being juggled and trying to have a life too, it isnt much fun.

Sometimes the father just has to take responsibilty for real life too.

And why should'nt the BM have a shag with her new bf on her weekend off - is it not allowed

er, no, if their dad gets ill he ... carries on looking after his children. This is what parents have to do, I'm afraid. I had to care for my children on my own while I had shingles a couple of years ago. You don't get special sick leave because you have a penis.

redhen, how is it going today?

I feel for you - but in our case, unless there is an emergency, we try to carry on as normal as possible!

Was it you who had the children when she was ill ? I remember a post in those lines a little while ago.

Hang on everyone - just lets see if I've got this straight...

1. Ex has previously said that when children are ill, dad MUST drive them back to hers.

1. DSC are ill and have said they want to go home to mum.

1. Dad contacts Ex because of 1&2.

1. Ex says doesn't want them home.

How the heck have people gone from that to saying the OP is unreasonable to think its double standards?

When our DCs have been ill, we've called DSDs mum and let her know. We usually rearrange the visits so DSD doesn't catch whatever DCs have. When DSD was ill, we rearranged access again for the same reason and because she said she wanted to stay at home with her mum.

From what everyone is saying here, the children being poorly and wanting to stay home is no reason to change access.

How happy am I DSDs BM isn't any of you!?!