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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Spending little time with my partner!!

46 replies

kacey2004 · 20/10/2010 21:45

Any advice please!!

My partner and I have been together for just over 3 years. He has 2 children from a previous marriage and I have 2 of my own. He is a devoted father to his 2 children and wishes he could spend more time with them.
He works away Monday to Friday so I only get to see him at weekends. 2 weekends out of the month we have his children and mine and the other 2 weekends we actually get to spend together.(with no kids)
However just recently he is asking his ex if he could have his kids at times on the weekends which we spend together. Im getting increasingly frustrated and fed up as we hardly get time together as it is. Am I being selfish??
I know his children come first but we have very little time together as it stands because he works away.
Everytime he mentions having his kids extra I go into a mood. Why?
I just dont know what to do. Sometimes I think of ending our relationship, other times I just think " just put up and shut up.

Any advice appreciated.

Thank you

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 20/10/2010 23:06

Talk to him about it-don't just go into a mood.Explain that you need time alone too. Get baby sitters.

Eurostar · 20/10/2010 23:23

If you were married with your own children you wouldn't get regular weekends away from your children so why should you get regular "alone time" now. How old are his DC? Don't you get time alone after they've gone to bed? If they're older it's not so many years til they will want to be out and about places at weekends without parents.

It sounds like his children are never getting to see their Dad, who they hardly see anyway, without your children around? Who can blame him for wanting some time where he can be with them.

It would be wrong and selfish of you to try and limit his time with his children. If you can't handle it I think you should leave the relationship. Don't think the children won't sense that you want him for yourself away from them - you will be on your way to becoming a much resented step-mother.

piscesmoon · 21/10/2010 06:04

I don't think that you need to limit time-just get babysitters and go out when they have gone to bed. How old are they?

Original poster
kacey2004 · 21/10/2010 08:20

His children are 8 and 11. We dont live together hence why Im trying to make the most of the time we have. When we have his children he wants to spend all his time with them which I understand but shouldnt there be a balance?

OP posts:
Tootlesmummy · 21/10/2010 08:26

But you see your children all month other than the 2 weekends when I presume they are with their dad. He sees his for 2 weekends a month. If the situations were reversed would you feel that 2 weekends a month with your children would be enough?

I know it must be hard but I respect a father who wants to spend more time with his children and the fact that they are 8 and 11 means that it won't be too much longer before they won't want to spend all weekend with their dad anyway.

Agree with Pisces, get a babysitter on the odd night and go out.

glasscompletelybroken · 21/10/2010 08:57

I often hear this arguement that if you were a couple who had children together you wouldn't get time alone but it's really not the same. Spending time with someone elses children is completely different.

I think this is a tough one and I do agree that it's good that he wants to spend more time with his children BUT if he also wants to have a relationship with the OP and move on with his life then he needs to make room for that relationship. If he can't or won't do that then it won't work.

It is beneficial to all the children involved to see their parents forming a new and good relationship and experience how lovely that is, as they have already experienced the break up of their parent's relationship.

This is a particularly difficult one as he is working away during the week so he doesn't have the option of having his DC on a week night to get some extra time.

Being away during the week though does make the weekends with his partner very precious too.

I don't think I could cope with a relationship that was over 3 years old but where I wasn't living with my partner and only saw him at weekends. Have you talked about moving in together? It doesn't seem as if there's much commitment to the relationship, which you might expect after such a long time. I could be completely off track but if he's not committed to it or has doubts that you are then he probably doesn't see a problem with spending more time with his DC and less time alone with you.

Sorry this is so long and completely lacking in advice! Just my thoughts really.

Tootlesmummy · 21/10/2010 09:02

Glass, I hear what you're saying but what if OP (sorry don't mean to be rude!) didn't have contact with her children's father and had her children 24/7. How would that work?

Original poster
kacey2004 · 21/10/2010 09:20

My partner took a job away because of possibly redundancies where we live. Im actually studying at Uni and when completed Im moving South to be with him. Yes I have my kids living with me, most women do but its not my fault that he split from his ex and has little time with his children. Taking a job away doesnt help the situation either. I respect he wants to have his children all weekend twice a month and when there here we have a lovely time together but I would also like to spend time with him alone on the 2 weekends that neither of us have any children. I dont think its too much to ask considering he's away most of the month?

OP posts:
glasscompletelybroken · 21/10/2010 09:29

I don't think it's too much to ask either. I wish I had some advice for you - it's such a hard situation you're in.

Tootles - if that was the situation it would be even harder but I don't think that makes the existing problems any easier to deal with.

Petal02 · 21/10/2010 09:37

To quote Glasscompletelybroken: ?I often hear the argument that if you were a couple who had children together you wouldn?t have time alone, but it?s not the same. Spending time with someone else?s children is completely different. But if a man wants a relationship, then he has to make time for it. If he can?t or won?t, then it won?t work.?

This took the words out of my mouth. I think it?s all about balance. There?s no ?cake and eat it? option in this situation.

SpottyMuldoon · 21/10/2010 09:40

Time alone without kids...hmmm, interesting concept. If you don't want to come way down his list of priorities then maybe you should think about ending the relationship.

Two weekends a month is fuck all. And he doesn't see them alone because you all spend the time together. And they will want to be doing their own thing in a few years time so the days/times and frequency could change a lot. If the relationship is strong enough you can survive this and find ways to have time alone once the children in bed. You know, like most other couples do.

You say you know his children come first but it sound like you'd rather they didn't.

Tootlesmummy · 21/10/2010 09:51

Sorry but you still didn't answer the question if the situation was reversed would 2 weekends a month be enough?

If you resent the children and him wanting to spend time with him then maybe you shouldn't be together.

Bonsoir · 21/10/2010 09:52

You are being extraordinarily selfish to expect to have regular weekends (50% of them) sans children at all when you have four DCs between you.

Original poster
kacey2004 · 21/10/2010 09:53

Yes time alone withought kids Spotty.
2 weekends a month we have his children and we all have a fantastic time together. His son is 11 and will go to bed about 10. Not much time to be alone there, is there? But Its about him having time with his children on those weekends, BUT when we have no children. When his are with their mother and mine are with their father then yes I want time with out any children to spend time with my partner. Whats wrong with that.
I thought our relationship was really strong but Im struggling at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
kacey2004 · 21/10/2010 09:53

without*

OP posts:
Tootlesmummy · 21/10/2010 09:59

Sorry but I think you're being selfish.

Bonsoir · 21/10/2010 09:59

How about you say to your DP that you arrange to have four weekends a year sans any DCs, and that you go out just the two of you for an evening on the weekends that you have the DCs?

glasscompletelybroken · 21/10/2010 10:16

Spotty - Two weekends a month is fuck all to devote to nuturing a relationship too. I don't think there are any easy answers here but I am sure that abusing the OP is not going to help.

And guess what - it's not at all uncommon for step-mums to wish their DP didn't put his DC first all the time. They may understand it and even admire it - but that doesn't mean they have to lke it!

glasscompletelybroken · 21/10/2010 10:16

Sorry "nurturing"

Original poster
kacey2004 · 21/10/2010 10:43

Thanks Glass for your understanding!

But what your failing to see here Bonsoir and Tootles is the mother 95% of the time keeps the children. So am I being penalised from wanting to spend QT with my Partner just because I have my kids and he doesnt.

Of course I know he wants to spend time with them, but he also wants a relationship with me, like I do him but I dont want his kids on the weekends we have no kids. So yeah maybe I am being selfish.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 21/10/2010 10:44

I'm not failing to understand anything at all.

I'm a stepmother.

prettyfly1 · 21/10/2010 10:51

Here Here Glass. Op I think your issues are running a little deeper then the time with children. It sounds like you are feeling a bit neglected and frustrated and this is becoming the sticking point. Of course you understand he wants to see his kids and you want to see yours but very few people could build a relationship entirely spent with four small people there.

It is NOT the same as being a biological family, as you normally have that time before you have the children so are prepared for the difference and know each other when the children come along. I do think two weekends a month entirely devoted to you when he has two children is probably wishful thinking and I sympathise for that. I dont think there IS an answer to your problem to be honest - he has kids and wants to see him, you are with him and want to see him and somehow you have to negotiate that - at the moment you are both getting the equivalent of 8 days a month, which his children a sharing with yours, so I can understand him wanting more but I can also understand your perspective. Not an easy one at all and I agree with those who say you are going to have to be very strong and hopefully it will ease when you finish uni.

Tootlesmummy · 21/10/2010 11:05

Kacey but he's being penalised because he doesn't have his children.

If your ex had the custody of your children would you be satisfied with only 2 weekends per month? if your ex didn't have your DC 2 weekends per month would you be happy with your DP asking for them to be 'away' for 2 weekends per month?

They also are not babies and will be getting to the age shortly where they don't want to be with their father 2 weekends per month. Only you can decide if you can wait that long but I feel that if you force your DP to choose between you and his children you may initially get the answer you want he may well resent it later on.

theredhen · 21/10/2010 13:40

The way I see it, he made his choice not to see his children during the week by taking this job, he could have not taken that job and seen more of his children.

He wants to have a relationship with his partner, but doesn't actually want to devote any time to it.

I think a compromise is in order here. How about he has the children every other weekend and on the other weekend, he has them Fri eve to Sat late afternoon. That means that OP and him get an evening to themselves and a day too every other weekend.

I think he is asking her to make all the compromises at the moment and no-one else is making any.

Abip · 21/10/2010 13:48

Blimey ! My children are 8 and 6. I think i would be shocked if my 8 year old did not want to spend anytime with me or her dad. The idea that they wont want to come soon anyway is a bit far fetched. Afterall my stepson who is 16 has just in the last 6 months stopped coming for the weekends so regularly. This is a difficult one because i see both sides. OP i totally sympathise. My children go to their dads every other weekend and I get to spend quality time with my DP as he son is 18 and does not want to spend time with us. It is not the same as having your own children together as like another poster suggested, you dont get that time together you would have had before having children. If you were a couple you get to know one another, love one another and decide to have children together. When there are two families finding time together can be hard. I often complain to my DP that I feel like a second class citizen in my own home through lack of privacy or meerly being asked if i mind. Does DP have the children on any half terms? only asking as I have an arrangement with my ex that he has the children two weeks of the year as well. Then we organise the older ones and get a holiday together which is great. (got to say its the first year i have ever had the children away from me for a week and a half and DP and I went to africa alone. Not been on holiday for 12 years!) It could be good for you. Also how would DP feel about getting a job closer? Know its sounds overwhelming but have you made any future plans? Ie DP's job and moving intogether after UNi. Maybe stress of Uni is not helping? Roll on half term so you can relax a little (Also full time mum at full time college !)

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