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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Spending little time with my partner!!

46 replies

kacey2004 · 20/10/2010 21:45

Any advice please!!

My partner and I have been together for just over 3 years. He has 2 children from a previous marriage and I have 2 of my own. He is a devoted father to his 2 children and wishes he could spend more time with them.
He works away Monday to Friday so I only get to see him at weekends. 2 weekends out of the month we have his children and mine and the other 2 weekends we actually get to spend together.(with no kids)
However just recently he is asking his ex if he could have his kids at times on the weekends which we spend together. Im getting increasingly frustrated and fed up as we hardly get time together as it is. Am I being selfish??
I know his children come first but we have very little time together as it stands because he works away.
Everytime he mentions having his kids extra I go into a mood. Why?
I just dont know what to do. Sometimes I think of ending our relationship, other times I just think " just put up and shut up.

Any advice appreciated.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
kacey2004 · 21/10/2010 14:24

Hi Abip
Yeah we took all the children away in August for a week and weve just booked a 2 week holiday next year abroad for us all to go on. So he does have them extra. Regarding future plans I was planning to move down to London when Ive completed Uni but Ive also asked him to look for a job closer to home but I think the money is holding him there. If he moved back this way he could see his children through the week as well as at weekends plus I would be able to see him more. Its a very difficult situation and Im exhausted :(

OP posts:
Petal02 · 21/10/2010 14:58

Redhen commented: ?he made his choice not to see his children during the week by deciding to work away. He wants to have a relationship with his partner, but doesn?t actually want to devote any time to it.?

Absolutely. I?m not convinced this man is in the right situation for a relationship at the moment. If he was spending 50% of weekends with his children, and 50% of weekends with the OP, then that?s a decent compromise, but as he now wants to have the children on the weekends in between, alarm bells are ringing. Yes, if they?d had children together, then of course they would be together all the time, but other people?s children are not the same as your own. Try asking a man if he?d like to spend most weekends with his mother-in-law, the principle is the same ???.

Abip · 21/10/2010 15:08

Hi Kacey2004 but have you and your partner had a holiday alone? ie your children to their dads and get away together? this could help and when he is relaxed may give you more of an idea of where you stand. Men are funny creatures and what would upset us they just cant see. My partner is forever looking confused and often says what have i done wrong now. Maybe he really does not know how you feel. If you could get away then he may open up about where he sees you both in the future. Sometimes when they are taken out of stressful situations i.e work and juggling life you can squeeze that blood from the stone. Not going to slam you or him as its not helpful. Just trying to think of helpful suggestions that may help using my own experiences.

Tootlesmummy · 21/10/2010 15:19

Petal, no it's not the same as MIL. If OP had full custody of her children and they were not away 2 weekends a month MN would absolutely slate a guy for saying he wanted away from the children for 2 weekends per month. A good number of people would be saying that they are her children so he has to accept them as well.

I do feel for the OP, I think it must be hard but I feel he isn;t spending much time with his children and his working away may well be money orientated but he is providing for his children.

It's a difficult one.

theredhen · 21/10/2010 15:48

The difference here is that the children lives with the other parent and the father CHOOSES to see the child for extra time.

Petal02 · 21/10/2010 16:13

Redhen, yes - that's exactly the point. If he had full custody, that would be different, but he had an EOW arrangement, and now seems to want to increase the access, which is clearly to the detriment of the OP. Hhich is why I said I could hear alarm bells ringing.

SpottyMuldoon · 21/10/2010 17:47

All of the issues involved are transient though and can be worked through. I don't think I was attacking the OP I just don't have much sympathy. I realise that's because of my own issues though.

I hope they find a way through it. I'm sure things will get better for them if they can get through this period of living away from each other. Or maybe they need to have a talk about where the relationship is going ultimately if OP feels he is not fully committed.

RumourOfAHurricane · 21/10/2010 17:55

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RumourOfAHurricane · 21/10/2010 17:56

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cobbledtogether · 21/10/2010 20:39

SOCD - I've not been here that long, but yes there is a blur. It kind of goes like this...

SP - I don't want to spend all of my time with step children OR DSC acts badly at my house.

NSP (non step parent) You are selfish and possibly a bit evil.

Other SP - I can sympathise.

NSP - Won't somebody think of the CHILDREN!!

etc... Wink

RumourOfAHurricane · 21/10/2010 20:51

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Libby10 · 22/10/2010 11:22

All I can say is that however frustrating I find issues about the kids, I always remember that one of the things I love about my DP is that he loves his kids and really wants to be involved in their lives. It sounds as if your partner is the same and I would think hard before making it difficult for him to spend more time with them.

dadaz · 03/02/2011 00:00

Kids come before a partner.

It's that simple really.

Compromise just doesn't cme into it.

mjloveswineoclock · 03/02/2011 00:37

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dadaz · 03/02/2011 02:03

Ermmm yes...

But i'm new so it's new to me.

I didn't know there was a time limit on answering them.

BitOfFun · 03/02/2011 02:43

This needs discussing.

Could he have his kids on the odd extra weekend, but let you know so you can arrange to meet friends/have some time to chill and do your own thing during the day etc?

And then agree to keep one weekend a month sacrosanct for your time as a couple on your own?

I think he is being a bit insensitive to expect you to wave your own children off and then step in to give him a hand with his.

Let him get close- by leaving him to it for a while.

And take some time out from your pretty full-on schedule of caring for other people, and make time for some fun on your own.

mjloveswineoclock · 03/02/2011 06:46

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mjloveswineoclock · 03/02/2011 06:58

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dadaz · 03/02/2011 14:18

I have to disagree on the "Putting the relationship first" point. I don't see how any child would benefit from that situation.

You can be as terse as you wish afterall we're all adults and opinions are useless if they're wrapped in cotton wool.

Older posts can still be of use to those wh haven't as yet read them which is the point of an archive. BitofFun suggested that it needed discussing also so I may not be as out of touch as you think I am.

But I've taken your points.

mjloveswineoclock · 03/02/2011 14:29

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dadaz · 03/02/2011 15:02

I would certainly accept that respect in a relationship shows children that there is a solidarity in the family from the top down.

Also the children brought into that exclusive pecking order as you say must give them a good grounding.

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