I was only spending a penny .......... bad start to access weekend

[Petal02]

Stepson arrived tonight for his access weekend, he's here til Sunday night. He usually arrives around 6.30pm. I got home around 5.45pm, and went to spend a penny in our downstairs loo. I was alone in the house at this point. The toilet door was pushed too, not quite shut completely, but pushed as far as possible into the frame without being completely shut (if that makes sense).

Anyway, husband and stepson arrive at the house earlier than usual. I'm still in the loo, at the far end of the hall, with the door almost completely shut, and I am not visible to either husband or step son.

I shouted 'hello' (silly, silly me .....) at which point husband hurtles down the hall, grabs the loo door and slams it shut. Which was a bit of a surprise cos I've now finished my wee and was just about to exit the loo.

When I challenged husband, he gets really cross and says I shouldn't go to the loo with the door open, when SS is in the house ..... in my defence, I was alone in the house when I entered the loo, but even when they came in, the door was shut sufficiently not to embarass anyone, and also (for gods sake) is a 16yr old boy really going to be damaged by knowing his father's wife has a bladder???? The child has a mother and sister, who probably also use the toilet ........

So a huge row errupted, I asked if perhaps I shouldn't permit bodily functions when The Messiah is in the building (which didn't go down to well) and I've now promised to limit my DISGUSTING habits to the en-suite with the door locked.

I'm not asking for advice, i really don't think there's an answer that exists. But don't you think my husband was being just a tad over-protective? This sort of madness only perpetuates ill feeling between me and stepson.

Hi WILDFISH - thank you so so much - you have given me some real good insight and advice to take away - god knows will try anything !!

You are right this is Petals post really and I have somewhat hijacked it - apologies to all - you and Petal in particular spending time and effort on your excellent answers - both of you - to my problems which must have diverted time and effort from Petals OP problem. Some of our problems do overlap though so I think we have gained from each others answers - but sorry again to you both.

I will try to pick my battles and to let things go except for the big things as I really fear I am making myself ill - all those bad chemicals going round your body cant be good. I think its the no light at end of tunnel that gets me down - I cant see him becoming independent and making a life for himself unless DH cuts the apron strings and stops nursemaiding /pampering him etc . Also we met late in life and so every day is precious and we'll never ever get these years back - we are in our early fifties - SS is 23 - so we might be looking at not being just the two of us till we're in our sixties if DH doesnt let him/make him be an adult.

I appreciate this is all not SSs fault - our ages, when we met etc - but he's not entirely blameless as a 23 yr old should be old enough to think - ' I should think about getting my own place /life etc and let them have theirs.' He is a very selfish person though so he wont - there is only DSS in any of DSSs equations - even his dad admits how selfish he is !.

PETAL - I think Wildfish advice to you is excellent as it was to me and well worth following. But one other thing ocurred to me today (in Tesco by the condiments !) - do you think as you have a good relationship with DSS - almost despite DH /'Mummy Lion' hovering round that you could get away with dealing with OP type of situation with a bit of humour - sort of gentle mocking of DH to SS - IYSWIM.
You know the sort of thing - 'whats he like - your dad ? ' or ' Give over DH ! - DSS doesnt take any notice of me - do you DSS ? - he knows I'm batty '

Just a thought - might embarrass him out of it if his DS whom he's supposedly 'protecting' is amused by it.
PS - I have my best brainwaves by the wines and spirits - funny that - all judgement goes out the window if I take the stuff home and drink it

Wildfish - I read your post with great interest and agree very much with a lot of what you say. I know my DH is defensive over his DC's because of his perception that I feel resentful of them/don't like their behaviour etc etc and it is a vicious cirlce. I do really try to say positive things about his DC as much as possible and find that when I do he is able to express less positive things about them!
What I would say though is that I didn't start out with this resentment. Quite the opposite infact as I have children of my own (now grown up) and thought it would all be fine and was looking forward to being a step-mum! The resentment has come gradually after constantly feeling invisible when my DSC are here (which is half the time), having to do all the household chores because my DH is too busy playing with his DC to have the time, putting up with plans being made with no consideration for me and having mine and my DH's plans constantly changed because of his ex, being lied about by my DSC to their BM causing all kinds of issues and just the sheer overwhelming ingratitude shown for everything I do for them! I could go on...
I don't know what the answers are but I do have concerns over the kind of adults my DSC will grow up to be when they never have to do a thing for themselves - let alone for anyone else. It's particularly hard when you have brought your own children up in a completely different way.
I too pick my battles now but have to admit I don't find it easy to let go completely of the ones I decided not to have and find myself brooding about things which just feeds the resentment.
Sometimes I think you need to be such a good person to do this and I'm not sure I'm really good enough.

Perhaps I can come at this in a slightly different way. As far as I can tell the biggest problem is the fact you and your DH disagree on how the access weekends are to be.

I have a DSD, DSS and a DD. From the outset my DH and I agreed that it didnt matter which child was in the house we would always be "normal" which means if stuff needs doing on an access weekend it gets done. We also do fun stuff, homework and everything you would do if each child was our natural one.

This works really well for us and our children. In fact my DSD often just pops round after school (we all live quite close) and its totally normal. The DSC just consider our house to be home as much as their mums.

I think you and your DH need to establish a way of dealing with the weekends which is good for the three of you.

Please don?t think you?ve hi-jacked my thread ? last week?s toilet issue is now ?old news?, and it?s been really interesting to have an extended discussion.

Pinkbraces ? you are totally right that husband and I have differing views over how access weekends should be, and this is what causes the problems. I would prefer normality, whereas husbands wants such weekends to be ?special visits.? I think normality would be better all round, however I can also understand what Wildfish was saying, that anyone who only sees their child EOW, would wish to make that time special. I don?t know how to achieve a compromise.

Wildfish ? your comments are really constructive, and it?s very interesting to hear a male view. I think the bottom line is that a lot of patchwork households simply don?t work very well for anyone.

PINKBRACES - you are very lucky to have such a nice domestic situation - but thats not to say you havent earned it/worked for it - you both obviously have. I do however hesitate to add - you reap what you sow - as that implies us embattled S/mums are just getting what we deserve and we arent - I for one and am sure many others have tried absolutely everything to make things right but nothing seems to work long term. But it is lovely to hear about a stepfamily that works and for that you and your DH should be congratulated.

I agree with you GLASSCOM - we dont generally start out feeling like this or intending to - but we all have our limits to bending over backwards and it all been thrown in your face. Once said to DH when we had just had a lovely tea-time - all helping with it and just civility and banter etc etc - 'you know I do love it when its like that - I do actually want us all to be happy and it really gets me when you blame problems on me not liking DSS etc'. Its because you put so much effort in sometimes - its just soul destroying.

PETAL - on balance I think you will be ok - because you have it seems a good relationship with DSS - really apart from using humour in face of DHs 'funny turns' which Ive already suggested - I think maybe ignoring him - throwing a deaf un - might also be a solution - then just carry on interacting with DSS in a positive way. Its like saying - 'Right DH put that 'mummy lion' head away - cos nobodys taking any notice of you ! and we're actually getting on just fine over here !

Thank you for forgiving my 'hijack' Petal - I think a lot of us have gained a lot from this thread - been some excellent posts on it. Wildfish shot from the hip - but was very very constructive with it - and the thread hasnt turned into an attack of s/mums which is a plus also. Good stuff !

Im sorry, I wasnt trying to suggest its anyone's fault, and I certainly dont think "your getting what you deserve".

Its hard mixing up families/children and even in laws :) Everyone has their own way of doing things and it sometimes means that someone is put out.

I think one of the reasons it works for us most of the time is that my DH sees a lot of his children and they are very close, he doesnt then feel the need to always make their time extra special, but I do understand why some people do.

I think step mums do a brilliant job especially as it tends to be us who have to be the flexible ones.

Oh no no Pinkbraces - I honestly wasnt suggesting for one minute that you were - at the risk of digging myself into an even bigger hole can I just explain. I meant that I was going to say to you - as a compliment - ' you reap what you sow ' - and I do very much believe in that saying. But I stopped myself because that saying - not you - the saying IYSWIM - does kind of infer that us S/mums who are having a hard time are not 'reaping' enough.

Nooooo, please dont plunge into the hole, I understand what you mean.

I think we all just have to keep plodding away and hope it will work out ok, which I believe it will.

Oh thank you Pink I am so relieved and I hope your right !

Oh dear. I think if my OH had acted like that I would have pissed (at least I would have been in the loo!) myself laughing and probably tried to make a joke out of it. I would not apologise he is being a dickhead. I certainly would not be pushed into using another toilet!!!! I'd ask your stepson right in front of your OH whether he objects to you using the toilet in your own house??? My god imagine what you had done if you had had a really stinky poo! LOL

I've really enjoyed reading through this thread and have taken a lot from it.

Step families can be really good families, but I think it takes effort on the part of everyone involved. I consider myself very lucky that I have a good relationship with my DSD and I think its testament to the hard work put in by my OH and her mum never to let their own feelings get in the way of their relationship with her. I won't say its not been hard work though!