I was only spending a penny .......... bad start to access weekend

[Petal02]

Stepson arrived tonight for his access weekend, he's here til Sunday night. He usually arrives around 6.30pm. I got home around 5.45pm, and went to spend a penny in our downstairs loo. I was alone in the house at this point. The toilet door was pushed too, not quite shut completely, but pushed as far as possible into the frame without being completely shut (if that makes sense).

Anyway, husband and stepson arrive at the house earlier than usual. I'm still in the loo, at the far end of the hall, with the door almost completely shut, and I am not visible to either husband or step son.

I shouted 'hello' (silly, silly me .....) at which point husband hurtles down the hall, grabs the loo door and slams it shut. Which was a bit of a surprise cos I've now finished my wee and was just about to exit the loo.

When I challenged husband, he gets really cross and says I shouldn't go to the loo with the door open, when SS is in the house ..... in my defence, I was alone in the house when I entered the loo, but even when they came in, the door was shut sufficiently not to embarass anyone, and also (for gods sake) is a 16yr old boy really going to be damaged by knowing his father's wife has a bladder???? The child has a mother and sister, who probably also use the toilet ........

So a huge row errupted, I asked if perhaps I shouldn't permit bodily functions when The Messiah is in the building (which didn't go down to well) and I've now promised to limit my DISGUSTING habits to the en-suite with the door locked.

I'm not asking for advice, i really don't think there's an answer that exists. But don't you think my husband was being just a tad over-protective? This sort of madness only perpetuates ill feeling between me and stepson.

WTF? your hubby sounds like a twit

what a wanker

More to it I suspect..

Husband is fairly sane 99% of the time, but we still get occasional flashes of insanity when it comes to stepson.

His behaviour is very odd indeed

What's really bothering him, petal? There must be something he's not telling you about that is making him react like this - it's not normal

Or does he overreact to everything?

Is he worried SS will mention something to Mum that will be twisted?

Sounds like that sort of thing to me.

How stable is the relationship with exw?

He only over-reacts occasionally, and it's generally over issues that relate to making access weekends perfect for SS. Another similar incident occurred last year, when one of our kittens 'attacked' SS. I should point out that SS is nearly 6 foot, and it's not like I let a rotweiller loose on him. So we're only averaging one 'over-reaction' per year (which I know isn't too bad) but I'll never understand what goes on in the head of a non-resident father.

I don't understand what goes on the the head of littlemad's non resident father either so can't help too much, but I can see why he's be oversensitive, can you grin and bear it if it's only very occasional.

It takes two to make a row out of such a ludicrous situation. Callling his son 'the messiah' suggests that you might have had previous resentments about his relationship with his son?

Yes, I suppose I can grin and bear it. But it's made me very angry, it's ruined my evening (I've taken refuge upstairs with my homicidal cat and the laptop) and this is likely to set the tone for the whole weekend.

Blu, yes there have been previous resentments, just the usual stuff about husband being ridiculously over-protective, guilt-parenting etc etc. And I agree it takes two to create an argument, but I think even Mother Theresa would have struggled to keep her cool this evening. And then of course things get said in the heat of the moment, and now we're not talking.

Hi Petal, my best advice?

Give him a hug and say sorry for getting heated, it migh just break the pattern and perhaps that can set the tone for the weekend istead.

good luck

Madascheese - it's not a bad suggestion, although I confess it goes against the grain to have to apologise for using a toilet when SS is in the building ..... !!

you could phrase it as "sorry that you are upset" - it's his reaction, not what you have "done".

Really good advice ladies - apologising for letting there be an argument rather than what appeared to upset him in the first place.

Blimey, you really have to laugh sometimes, don't you?

The "Messiah" comment was out of order, though.

erm, he over reacted but what the hell are you doing taking he piss out of his relationship with his son?

sounds like you have problem with your DH that you need to discuss. you clearly resent the relationhip they have.

and you wouldn't be apologiseing for you using the toilet. you would be apologising for 'challenging' him and for being nasty. you over reacted by challenging him. all you had to do was say "what was that about?" no row needed.

I certainly wasn?t taking this piss out of his son, it was just one of those stupid rows that flare up, and things get said in the heat of the moment. I realise this is all totally mad, I just posted last night as I needed to get it off my chest. But when someone goes off on one over something really bizarre, it?s very hard not to ?return fire.?

None of this was SS?s fault. But the dynamics in our house do become really weird at times.

read my post again. i said you were aking the piss out of his relationship with his son. which you were.

Apols Boooyhoo - just re-read your post. There was certainly no intention to take the piss out of the relationship either, just an expression of frustration over how we need to sanitise quite normal household practices at times. I grew up in a step family, but I don't recall it being like this.

when you say things like you did i.e; 'the messiah' it is taking the piss, no matter how you dress it up. clearly you husband is anxious that everything goes well with his son. i am guessing that things haven't done so in the past. i understand how frustrating that is for you especially when it means you can't even pee in your own house, which is ridiculous, but there is a better way of adressing it that won't get your DH's defences up and will mean you are able to tell him your problem like an adult rather than descend into a row and nothing gets solved.

Petal... you sound alot like me. Something stupid happens, people get tense, atmosphere gets rubbish, shouting and sarcasm, then retreating to the bedroom for the night (sometimes im in too much of a mood strop ...you know what i mean, and forget the laptop, then im just sat there steaming and stewing!)

Thanks for that Glitzy. I'm glad it's not just me. Things had been running relatively smoothly (re access weekends) and I really wish last night hadn't happened. I agree with the posters who suggest that a big row is never the way forward, but it all blew up out of nowhere. I'm debating whether to offer husband the olive branch when he gets home (which I know is the adult thing to do), but I'm still very cross that having a wee in the privacy of my own toilet can cause such a fuss. I now feel annoyed at SS too, which I feel guilty about, because none of this was his fault. It's just that I can wee without upsetting anyone when he's not around.

Petal I can understand how this has really annoyed you. Especially given your other posts about how you feel generally about the access visits. The very natural feelings of not having your life to yourself on these weekends is definitely not helped by what happened this evening.

I always feel that how time is spent during access visits should be made as normal as possible to real life (i.e. the child treated as part of the household rather than an esteemed visitor so to speak. And I can understand why you said what you did in this context). If the child were part of the household normally then of course (like you say in the case of his mother/sister)it would be utterly normal to go to the toilet in the way you did! So in making an issue of it your DH has only served to exagerate the fact that this is a VISIT rather than normality, when can't help either you or the DSC

Hope you & DH make up and that he ultimately realises he shouldn't have made you feel this way. And hope the rest of the weekend goes ok too.