Wills, your children and step-children

[BloomingDaisy]

Dear MNs, Can I ask a personal question? Its my first ever post so please be gentle.

My DH and I are currently having 'discussions' about our wills.

He has one DC from his previous marriage and our first DC together is due early next year.

How have you and your partner set up your wills to take DC and DSC into account?

I'd really appreciate some views.

I'd also have to add that after DP and I are married, if we have a family and I die first, it is the case that his DD's ex wife CAN make a claim on my estate.

This woman has made my life a living hell for three and a half years. The last thing I want is for her to have anything I have worked for.

Jacqueline, do you have any constructive comments to make about that?

Foolio, you don't need to justify yourself, I think 99% of the ladies on this thread can sympathise with you. I don't think your own children should have their inheritance 'diluted'.

Thanks Petal.

In any case, to expect to inherit from your parents, two sets of grandparents a step parent and a stepgrandparent(s) - isn't that a little greedy?

This is an issue I'm undecided over too.

I live in a house I solely own with my DS (no contact/maintenance from father), my DP (unmarried) and our DD.

Both DCs are still v young.

DP will inherit a few 10s of 1000s if it doesn't all get used up to pay for care.

I could inherit either quite a lot more then that or zilch, depends on property values/care.

We dont have wills.

If I died I'd probably want my assets split between my DCs only, with more to DS, as he has no-one else. I'd trust DS to make sure DD didnt go without.

If me and DP died together the DCs would probably get split up v . My Mum would probably move into my house to care for DS whilst DD would go live with DP's sister. Mum would def need more financial help than DSIL so more money should still go via DS.

Does that make sense?

SGM - no difference, not sure why you think there is. MJ's already said her own mother doesn't want to leave anything to the SCs.

I simply want to ensure that what I have goes to my children. DP will do the same for his children.

MJ - thanks for your support!

I note no-one who's flamed me has responded to my question about why my father, who has never met DP's DD, should leave anything to her?

well said, MJ!

I have 1 DS from my 1st marriage and I have 1 DD with my Dh .
Our will is very simple.
Everything goes to DH on my death ,everything to me on his death. If we both pass away together everything is split 50/50 to both children.
Also in the will that whoever is left will still have to split the inheritence 50/50 to the children . It would be up to them to then give something to their own offspring , if there are any.

I will say again for those of you who missed it, I am a step child and a step mother. I know both sides of this coin and could never treat children differently just because of biology.

mj I did comment on your situation but several other people had posted too and I couldn't remember names. I believe I said I was disgusted at any parent or grandparent who refused to treat children equally, and if it was me I would have nothing else to do with that child.

Foolio I singled you out because you were so very forthright with your post and it shocked me. In answer to your question about your father and your stepdaughter...well I have no answer to it actually, I am just slightly gobsmacked that she has never met her grandparent. Why? If you don't want to answer I shall understand but I honestly do not understand why.

All I know is that I am glad I grew up with the parents and step parents I did. I love them all equally and I have never ever felt like an outsider or as if they loved their biological children more than me etc etc and I am glad that I don't feel that way towards my beautiful children (I have 3 only ds is mine biologically, my dds are dps from his previous relationship). We are a family parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts etc...why does it have to be so seperate and disjointed?

We're right in the middle of sorting this and am having to tread very carefully.

I have one DD from my prev marriage and 2 DSS from husbands prev marriage. No DCs together

Only DD(17) lives with us, boys (18 and 20) with their mum but of course we see boys often.

Most of equity in our house is mine from before I met DH. If we divide our house equally between all three, my DD loses out as her inheritance is diluted, plus DSSs will inherit half a house each from their mum AND a chunk of this one. ExH is waste of space so no inheritance coming to my DD from there.

Was dreading the conversation with DH, but put it like this: all of them should end up with a similar inheritance as they are all equally loved. He was happy with that so I suggested this: We roughly value the boys' mums house and work out what half of that will be ie what they will get each.

Then we divide up our house. My husband has the right to live in our home for the rest of his life or if I outlive him,I have the same right, thats important. The equity of our home though will be put in trust for all three of them, with my daughter getting extra, equivalent to the amount each boy will be getting from their mum. That way they all end up with exactly the same amount, but my DD ends up with more of mine.

Hope that makes some sort of sense.

In terms of inheritance from grandparents, what I inherit from my mum will go to my DD on my death, what my husband inherits from his parents goes to his boys on his death. Unless we have jointly spent it before then.

Dunno if that makes any sort of sense?

Excellent last post mjinhiding

My DP has two grown up children and an ex-wife. We have 1 child together.

My will leaves everything I have to my DS in trust until he is 25. The trust states that the money will be used to provide a home and education with the remainder (!) being paid to him on his 25th birthday.

This means my share of the house goes into my son's name but my DP can continue to live in it until DS is 25.

I should add that DS is a toddler so DP has a while to get himself organised. I, like others, want my money to provide for my son if I'm not around.

We are discussing wills. Basically if I die part of my stuff will go to my kids and part to my husband. I don't need to leave my stepkids anything because they will then inherit from their dad when he dies where as my kids won't as this may be years later and he may have remarried by then. Same if he dies split between his kids and me. We have no kids together.
If we both die together money split 50:50 between his kids and mine.

Sorting out how much money goes to kids v surviving spouse is the tricky bit. The kids need a large amount, but you don't want to put your spouse in financial difficulty, especially as if they survive to be very old the money their kids may have got may be eaten up in nursing home fees etc, on the other hand their kids may end up inheriting loads whilst the spouse who goes first's kids get little in comparison.
Tricky.

I agree with others re stepkids not being the same as your own kids. My stepkids are both young adults now and I see them rarely, their dad sees them more and keeps in regular contact with them. They have mainly lived with their mum over the years.
They don't see me as their "mother" as they already have a mother. I don't see them as my kids.
If I die then some of my money will go to my kids. There is no need to leave stuff to my stepkids as their dad will do that (and their mum), where as I can't guarentee that if my husband died 30 years after me he would leave anything to my kids as he may have had 2 more marriages and more kids by then and not have spoken to my kids for years.
I don't expect my dad to leave anything to my stepkids. They have their own grandparents, some of whom they have already inherited from (whilst my kids didn't as they were not related to them.)
Biological ties are important. Stepfamilies are quite an artificial construction. Trying to pretend a stepmother is the same as a mother if the kids already have a mother just leads to aggro.

I love all three of my children equally, this does not mean there is anything wrong with me. My dds (and yes they are mine not their mothers) have lived with us since they were 10 months and 3, (now 3 and 5 and my ds is 4).

It is really upsetting to me as a stepchild for someone to be suggesting that my stepdad didn't love me as much as his three biological children. Luckily being a stepmum who does love her children equally I know what you are saying is poppycock, thank God!

I presume foster parents and adoptive parents can't love a child like a biological parent either in your opionion?

It probably depends alot on your circumstances. My stepkids have never really lived with us, and are very close to their mother. They don't need an extra mother and have never seen me as their mother. Their dad (my husband) sees himself as their dad and sees their stepfather as not being their dad. Their stepfather has his own children.

My kids have a father who sees alot of them and loves them very much. he is their dad, there is no need for my current husband to play that role. I would be upset if my ex's partner saw herself as my kids' mum and viewed them as "her" kids.
Luckily she is a laid back woman with her own (now grown up) kids who isn't trying to take over my kids.
I will never love my stepkids the same way I love my kids. They haven't grown up with me, they don't think of me as their mother. They already have a mother.

It sounds as though in jaqueline's case the mother is dead or not interested. If this were the case with my stepkids I would have taken a more active parenting role with my stepkids and probably had a closer bond with them.
You can't force the step relationship.
We become step parents at different stages in the children |(sometimes adults) lives and under different circumstances.

Your biological kids by contrast are with you from birth, view you as their parent (even if you have a difficult relationship) and are always with you in one way or another.

Oh and I'm not trying to upset or offend anyone, I'm sorry if that is the way I have come accross. I am just very passionate about this subject.

My daughters birth mother has nothing to do with the girls, she abandonned the eldest at a refuge when she was two, and had the youngest removed at birth. Both have been awarded by the courts to their father (dp)and she is not allowed to see them or have any contact with them. At present they don't even know she exists. So yes this situation is much different.

However, ds still sees his Dad (my ex h) every other weekend and has a good relationship. Still he calls dp daddy and the dds are his sisters (which obviously they would be at this age). DP has no odd feelings towards ds, he loves him as much as the girls and thinks of him as his own son.

My stepdad is my dad as far as I am concerned, I also have a very good relationship with my biological father and always have done. Yet my stepdad loved me as his own and my four older brothers. We are a happy family of 7 children there is no acknowledgement of my 3 younger siblings being step and there never has been. I believe that is the way it should be and that is what I shall give my children, however, I can understand that some of you will think we are just lucky.

I have one DD and almost 3 DSC

No part of my estate will be left to my 3 DSC

I have worked bloomin hard for 20 years to build my assets, I inherited nothing and have worked for it all and during the last 5 years couldn't have achieved what I have without the full support of my DD and she is getting 100% of whatever may be left upon my death.

The DSC have their own mother and father to inherit from.

I will ensure her inheritance is fully protected at all times

I am not some kind of monster, I spoil the 3 DSC rotten, indeed spend more on them than DP does, but my "estate" is my DD.

My Dp's DD decided she didn't want to meet any of my family. I'm in no position to force a 9 year old to meet someone she doesn't want to and DP doesn't want to force her either. That's why she's never met my dad, brother, sister in law, or their kids.