Should access become more flexible once step son is 16?

[Petal02]

A lot of the 'issues' in our house are caused by the rigid access arrangements that my husbands ex insists on. The amount of access isn't a problem (alternate weekends, plus one night in the week) but we can't request a 'variation' unless we're literally out the country. Of course, the ex can change things any time she likes, but that's 'different'. (Don't get me started on that one!)

So even though step-son is 16 next month, our lives are dictated by the access pattern, if we want to arrange a weekend away, it's got to fit in with the schedule. Many of our friends who live with their bio children have more freedom than we do, simply because they don't have to fit their lives round a rota.

This all came to the boil a few days ago, when we were invited to a wedding of a close friend, at the other end of the country. We both want to attend, but it falls on an 'access' weekend, and my husband reluctant to rock the boat and 'mess up the schedule.' My argument, is that surely we shouldn't have to put 50% of our lives on hold on account of a 16 yr old???

The child himself isn't causing any problems, but does any one else think it's odd that we still have to stick to rigid arrangments when he's 16? If he was 8, then it might not be so good to disrupt his routine, but all this seems a bit insane to me.

Amberleaf ? when I say ?team of three?, it?s not that I don?t feel like part of the ?unit?, it?s just that there are three people who want rigid arrangements, and me who wants flexibility, so I?m outnumbered.

Allnew ? our situations are so similar! I also find it hard to understand why a young adult wouldn?t be seeking flexibility, I too had expected that things would relax once he got to approx 15 yrs old. I?m not suggesting we see less of him, but more of a ?pop in and out? arrangement. As things stand now, the only basis on which he visits us, is a ?collect him from school on Thurs night and take him home on Sunday night? basis (alternate weekends). Whereas he and my husband would probably get more out of their time together if we saw him for evenings/afternoons etc when it works for both of them, rather than these intense 4-day residentials. I had also expected we?d be at a point where every visit didn?t involve an overnight stay. Overnight stays mean complicated logistics to get him to the bus stop the following morning, whereas if he went home after dinner, he?d be able to walk to school the next day.

If I were his bio mother, I?d make sure he were getting involved in after-school activities, sport, part time job etc etc, but when they?re not your own child, you can?t shape the situation in anyway, I can?t give him the gentle kick up the backside that my parents used to give me. And which he so badly needs.

It?s just starting to feel slightly odd to take a 16yr old boy to Tesco with us, if we go out with friends on access weekends he tags along too etc etc ? if he was 8 then it wouldn?t seem strange. But my friends with bio teenagers all report that their kids wouldn?t bee seen dead in Tesco with them, nor would they be interested in hanging round with them at the weekends. My husband states that step-son doesn?t do any harm, which is true, but I respond by asking how would my husband feel if my mother tagged along with us on alternate weekends (she wouldn?t do any harm either, but it would drive husband up the wall!) ? and he just doesn?t get it.

God knows what I?ll do if we end up trailing a 23yr old round Tesco every other Saturday morning ? anyone got the Samaritans phone number???!!!!???

I don't really feel I can contibute much to this, as I am both an RP and a kind of SP. And all the children are young.

My Sks mum isn't particularly flexible, but the nature of my partner's job means that he cannot just pop in and see them in the week, so he has to stick to his weekends if he wants to see them (which he does)

My arrangement with my kid's dad has always been flexible but then, I don't see the mother figure as some sort of sacred holy cow - I do the majority of the parenting because they live with me and I pay for the majority of their stuff because their dad pays maintenance and it a bit skint because of it (as would I be, if he didn't pay it) but if I'm ill, I ring him up and he takes them to school, or if I have to work, he'll keep them overnight. I provide food if they are there for more than one night a week because I found out he was underbudgeting for food and therefore feeding them crap.

If you can't get flexibility from the start, it's difficult to introduce it.

Petal02, like it or not, your partner is this kid's dad, and kids are NOT always convenient.

It's not the child that I have the problem with - it's this damn rota. The child would be more likely to get quality time with his Dad if we had some flex.

Petal I agreed - the prescriptive, timed residential visits create an entirely false sense of reality for all concerned, very intense and unnatural. When I was 16 I frequently went out with friends, had hobbies, and wouldn't be seen dead hanging to my parents apron strings. To have a young adult that for 4 prescribed days of each fortnight becomes closed off from their own life, friends, whatever, just because of an agreement put in place when they were a young child, is plainly ridiculous.

The situation would resolve itself naturally if the young adult were to want to develop their own sense of direction/interests/independence in life, but sadly, many people do not do so. In fact when DSS was again asking DH "what are we doing next" last weekend, DH asked him how he'd learn to cope when he grew up and lived on his own or whatever - DSS's reply "but I'm not going to leave home"