Should access become more flexible once step son is 16?

[Petal02]

A lot of the 'issues' in our house are caused by the rigid access arrangements that my husbands ex insists on. The amount of access isn't a problem (alternate weekends, plus one night in the week) but we can't request a 'variation' unless we're literally out the country. Of course, the ex can change things any time she likes, but that's 'different'. (Don't get me started on that one!)

So even though step-son is 16 next month, our lives are dictated by the access pattern, if we want to arrange a weekend away, it's got to fit in with the schedule. Many of our friends who live with their bio children have more freedom than we do, simply because they don't have to fit their lives round a rota.

This all came to the boil a few days ago, when we were invited to a wedding of a close friend, at the other end of the country. We both want to attend, but it falls on an 'access' weekend, and my husband reluctant to rock the boat and 'mess up the schedule.' My argument, is that surely we shouldn't have to put 50% of our lives on hold on account of a 16 yr old???

The child himself isn't causing any problems, but does any one else think it's odd that we still have to stick to rigid arrangments when he's 16? If he was 8, then it might not be so good to disrupt his routine, but all this seems a bit insane to me.

PS - I should add, it's not the child I have a problem with, it the inflexibility.

We have rigid arrangements during the school term, but holidays are negotiated on an annual basis and change every year according to desires/circumstances. I would find it quite impossible to plan or achieve anything for our family if we had to be on constant standby for exW's diary changes. Fortunately fixed arrangements suit the DSSs too - they need to know where they are doing their homework etc.

"do you really expect a young adult of 16 needs to live his life by a rota?"

I don't think a 16 year old is a young adult, I think he is a schoolboy who can reasonably expect the responsible adults in his life to provide routine and support to get him through school.

My DSSs are 15 and 13 and they hate their week/weekend routine being changed to suit their mother's agenda, more than is absolutely necessary (eg very long pre-planned work trips).

OK then Bonsoir - so at what point do you think a child is old enough cope with flexibility? And whilst you may describe a 16 yr old as a 'school boy', I should also point out that my husband joined the armed forces at 16. At 16 you are deemed old enough to leave school, live by yourself, get married,go out to work, or fight for queen and country in the Helmand Province.

But god forbid if we need to change some access arrangements? Do you honestly think a 16 yr old would be traumatised by a swapped weekend?

A legal access arrangement only goes up til a child is 16, probably because it's not considered necessary beyond that age.

And I assume you'd only think my husband was fulfilling his parental responsibilities if he sticks to a schedule? Can't you be a good father if your arrangements are flexible?

Up to you, Petal02, but I think it's much easier to be a stepparent by being uber-responsible and erring on the side of caution when exercising judgement about how soon a child who is not yours is able to deal with no longer being looked after as a child has every entitlement to expect.

Petal, you've mentioned reducing access. Why do you think your dh should see less of his son now he's 16? Did your parents ration contact with you when you were 16? Doesn't sound as if your dh wants to see less of his son.

I understand inflexibility is a problem for you, just concerned when you talk about reducing access. I'm afraid when you get involved with someone with kids, you have to understand the kids come first. That's just the way it is. Any parent who doesn't put their kids needs before their own isn't much of a catch, tbh.

I believe that Petal has said repeatedly that she has no issue at all with seeing her DSS or the frequency of it, indeed she may be keen for more access

She has stated clearly it is the inflexibility of the arrangements she has issues with and as her DSS is 16yo I agree with her

My DD is 15yo and more than capable of making her own arrangements one to one with me and her BD and has done so for a couple of years.

I don't think you are wrong to want a bit of flexibility and I'm not necessarily one for wanting contact to be set in stone as kids get that much older.

However, you do have to be careful not to set a precedent. The trouble is, if it becomes OK for you to change arrangements, that rule has to work for BM and the step children and that could be a lot more difficult in the long run, having to fit your life around the whims of the ex wife and of step son.

We have a very rigid schedule - again long story - it ended up less painful that way. We weren't sure what would happen when the oldest turned 16 but they kept to the routine. I suppose they were used to it and it made things easier for them. We have had problems with weddings etc with our routine and have usually sorted out alternative arrangements as your DH has done. Personally if once they were 16 the kids wanted to amend the arrangement if they were doing something then I would be happy with that but I think its just as difficult for them at 16 as when they are younger if they feel they are caught up on a wider point. Finally, although I take your point about not always being able to take stepkids along to weddings I know that a couple of my friends didn't think to include the stepkids on their wedding invitations when I first got together with DP and they didn't see them as part of my family.

The big problem with "being flexible" on access/contact is that it veers towards being a complete free-for-all, which makes any kind of organised family life impossible.

Again, I think it depends very much on the relationship with the other side. Personally I would prefer it if we could swap the odd weekend. We've ended up with a rigid arrangement because the alternative seemed to be sorting it out on a week by week basis and the inevitable arguments when we could not fit in with DP's ex's plans. And they did get extremely nasty at times. Being rigid did provide a calmer environment for us all and the kids were a lot more settled afterwards. But we've mainly ended up here as there was no middle ground for us.

I also think it depends on how busy everyone's lives are. Ours are all exceedingly busy, so any changes anywhere always involve thousands of rearrangements - which just isn't possible.

DP's exW's DP's exW has two children by two exH's so we always seem to be coming up against other people's access arrangements!

That must be hard. At the end of the day everyone has to find the balance that suits them. Ours mostly works so can't complain too much.

I have two DSS, now age 20 and 17. Things were very rigid in the past - mainly because otherwise my DH wouldnt get to see his DSs - but they did relax around the age of 16. Although DH's ex isnt easy to deal with, we tried to be as flexible as possible. I think the boys appreciated this and when, as they got older, they wanted to do things on their own that impacted on 'our' weekend, they didnt feel guilty.

We see the younger one less now as he is out with friends/girlfriend much more, but if he was living with us we would see him less anyway, thats just part of growing up. He's just as close to us as he ever was though which is lovely. The older one is away at uni so there's no access issue there anyway.

I'd agree that from 16ish, it should be the DS himself driving the access arrangements, not either set of parents.

Apologies for 'disappearing' mid-thread, just been away for a week and got back last night.

I reiterate I've no issues with the amount of contact, or the child himself, just the lack of flexibility. I do wonder if the rigid rota actually inihibits DSS's chances of making his own social life, simply because his mother would never let him skip an access weeekend, even if he wanted to do somehting with school friends. I remember we once found out he could have gone camping with some mates, but his mother told him he couldn't because it was an access weekend. If we'd known about this at the time, we would have encourage him to go camping.

I agree with the posters who suggested that at age 16, access should really be driven by the child, but as he has little social life and rarely mixes with his peers, he rarely has any plans.

So the ex is very keen on the schedule, husband thinks its easier to keep things running the same way, DSS just goes wherever he gets sent to, and I wonder when this insane rota will ever come to an end. I mean, what happens if he doesn't get a uni place, and still hasn't got many mates - will we still be having strict access weekends when he's 23?????

Just bumping this up - I don't want Bonsoir to think I disappeared just because she challenged my views. I went on my hols and I'm back now.

Petal - I have just read your thread and it struck a chord with me as I am in a very similar position (teenage DSS, no desire for independence, clings to dad, 'teenage heaven' on access weekends, etc etc). I too have wondered the very same thing - will this arrangement still be in place when he is 23. Would be very happy to chat with you about it if you read this!

Hi Allnew! It's so nice to know I'm not the only person on the planet who struggles with being a step mum. I'm so delighted to have found this forum. Do you struggle too?

"if we want to arrange a weekend away, it's got to fit in with the schedule."

I dont see that as being unreasonable at all.

What would you do if he lived with your all the time or if he was your bio child?

Im sure its difficult but you do sound quite resentful TBH

You come across as if the whole thing is an inconvenience that you cant wait to end.

15/16 is still young IMHO, you dont stop being a parent when your child is that age in the 'normal' family set up, i think change under these circumstances should come about mutually.

Amberleaf, if he were my bio child, then if we were invited to a wedding etc, then I'd arrange for him to stay with a relative for the weekend. I get frustrated because the ex wife can change the weekend rota, but we can't (unless we're literally out of the country). Would it really be so bad to swap weekends if we get invited to a wedding? Yes, I confess to feeling resentful. And I feel guilty about feeling resentful.

I can understand that you feel resentful as you are in this situation that you can never be fully in control of, its a large part of your life.

I think it goes with the territory TBH

It seems like its more than just about the wedding weekend-these things tend to build up dont they?

I appreciate its hard for you.

I feel a bit sorry for your step son-he doesnt sound the manipulative type-seems he is just stuck in the middle.

Stepson isn't a problem, he's a nice lad who is indeed stuck in the middle. I just get really frustrated with the combination of a clingy 16yr old, a manipulative ex wife and Disneyland Dad (who's a wonderful guy, he's just too soft sometimes).

They're a team of three, and I'm always out-numbered.

It helps to know I'm not the only person in this position.

"They're a team of three"

Please for your own sake try not to see it like that. You and your husband are the team, his EX is not part of that team.

The situation is an issue for all 3 of you- that is the common factor.

Hi Petal - yes, I have many of the same problems. We're stuck to a rigid rota as well, meaning that we can't ever organise stuff that falls on the 'kids' weekend. It's all very easy for people to suggest that the DSS comes along, but if a plan oversteps the hours of the court order by 5 mins then that is an impossibility.

I find it hard to understand why a child of this age doesn't want to have more flexibility though. In the case of my DSS, he has no desire for any independence whatsoever and would never think to question why we're all, including him, stuck in such a ridiculously rigid routine after all this time.

I too question when these rigid arrangements will ever end. With my DSS, I can't see him ever questionning, or challenging it, even up to (or beyond!) the age of 18. It's easy for people to say the court arrangements should no longer be relevant at 16, but if the young adult in question likes being soldiered as per mothers orders every other weekend, then why would it ever stop. A few years ago I imagined a situation whereby from the age of about 15 maybe, DSS would pop in and out on a more informal basis, staying over on a more flexible basis as his personal life and plans developed (I'm not saying I wished the access to reduce, just that I expected him to want it to be more flexible, to give him more freedom over his own life).

What I never bargained for was a young adult with such lack of will to have any say over his own life. I've actually now realised that DSS revels in having his life organised for him. Whilst this may be comfortable for him as a teenager, it will surely be a greater cause for concern as he progresses into adulthood. It is was my child, I would be extremely worried about his future as an adult

Petal - DSS also tends to 'cling' to DH when he's at ours'. He actually follows him around the house, making it impossible for DH and I ever to discuss anything private during the entire weekend (except in bed!). Unlike his younger brother, who is perfectly happy amusing himself - reading, footie in the garden whatever, the older DSS is constantly bored, asks DH "what are we doing next?"

These problems are truly unique to the stepfamily situation. Yes birth children get bored, but as a birth mother you're in a position to shape their behaviours from a young age (and maybe just tell them in plain and simple terms to stop moping around, grow up and go find some friends instead of following dad around all day!)

Sorry this has turned into war & peace, it helps to get it down in words sometimes!