DSD never leaves the house

[TheChickensEgg]

DSD is 13 and has no hobbies or interests. After school everyday she just comes home and sits watching TV all night. She never goes out on a weekend either, just hangs around the house permanantly.
Its more difficult for me now that the summer holidays are here as she's still not arranging to go out with friends etc like she said she would. They have been on holiday for 2 weeks and she has been out ONCE and that was only because I forced the issue.
She's supposed to go out with her mum once a fortnight and even that is starting to come to a standstill. She keeps refusing to go because she would rather stay in bed until 1pm and then laze around in her pyjamas all day.
Last week I reminded DP to ask his ex wife what time she was picking DSD up, he did and then went to "break the news" to DSD who kicked up a fuss saying she wasn't going because she needed a rest.

DP is now saying I need to be more tolerant of DSD but I never get a break from her. She is hanging around the house literally 24/7. DP used to arrange a babysitter now and again for a saturday night when my DC go to their dad's house but he's stopped doing that now too so even when my kids are not here, we still have her here and can never get any time to ourselves.

DP has now said he's no longer going to force her to go out with her mother meaning she will be around the house even more.

Its not that I don't like her, I just wish I could get a break from her now and again like I do from my own kids.

I know I'm probably being unreasonable but I'm finding this really hard to deal with. It's actually making me want to move out.

I really don't think you're being unreasonable, I'm in exactly the same position, except I have two teenage stepsons.

I don't have any advice to offer, just sympathy. I feel utterly exhausted by the energy required. If they were my own children I would probably have lost my temper by now and sent them out for the day and told them to entertain themselves! Don't feel I can do that because they're not my children. It's so difficult.

Does she live with you all the time or just for the holidays?

I have a 16 yr old stepson, who stays with us on alternate weekends, Thur-Sun. He has no friends, no interests and never goes out. Even though it?s only every other weekend, it drives me up the wall to have someone festering on the sofa 18 hours per day. My husband would prefer it if he had some outside interests, but won?t pursue the issue, in case the child gets upset. I find it all very frustrating. Don?t get me wrong, he?s a decent lad, he just needs to participate in life a bit more. I don?t have any advice, but wanted to sympathise with you.

I feel sorry for her, she must be lonely and miserable

Do you think she might be depressed? I was severely depressed at her age, teenaged girls can really suffer with it, and they haven't the skills or the coping ability to pull themselves out of the slump

Why doesn't she want to see her mother? Could there be more to it than "I need to rest"?

Also does she have healthy supportive friends? Is she socially OK at school? Why is she isolating herself?

I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel frustrated and invaded, I think most parents of teenagers would feel the same if their child was displaying this behaviour - and it is extra stressful for you because you are a stepparent and the bond isn't the same - that doesn't make you a monster

but I would be worried about her. What does her father think about it?

So she lives with you full time?
Why don't you take her out?
To the cinema etc?

As Compo said -does she go out with you or her dad? It certainly sounds like depression from my uninformed viewpoint. Most 13 year old girls of my acquaintance are obsessed with their friends and Starbucks/Shopping/wandering around etc! It seems strange that she doesn't want to see her mum at least.

She lives with us permanantly. Her dad says she just finds it difficult to make friends but when she's at school she seems to be surrounded by them and she's always going on about various friends etc.
She just seems so unwilling to do anything which takes her out of the house.

We have offered to let her have friends back here and she says she will text them and ask and then everytime we ask if she's done it yet she'll come up with excuses "I forgot" "can't remember their number" "Just remembered she's busy this year weekend"

Its unbearable. My kids go to their dads on a saturday night, DP and I snuggle down to watch a DVD with a glass of wine and she comes down half way through, plonks herself on the sofa and the atmosphere is immediately ruined.

Her dad works full time so he doesn't seem to care whether she finds stuff to do or not because he's not here to deal with it.

Compo, I don't mind taking her out now and again but the whole point is I want a break from her. I don't want to have to babysit her 24/7. I'm sick of it. I just want a break.

I think the problem here is because they are not your child. You are in the role of parent, and have to deal with the symptoms and negative behaviours of an unhappy child, but often (certainly in the case of my family) there is all sorts of unresolved guilt on the part of the real parents, so it is very difficult for them to hear that their child is unhappy.

I really want my youngest stepson to get counselling. He has refused to do anything, go anywhere, even ring a friend for a chat this holiday so far. It has now come to a head and he has called his mum to collect him.

I feel really sad about this, if he was my own child I know exactly what I would do, say, and set in place for him.

Compo, I don't know about the op, but we have no spare cash for days out like that.

But it's not babysitting if she lives with you fulltme, she's part of your family
and it doesn't cost anything to go cycling, to theclibrary etc with her
maybe if she started by going out and about with you she would gain confidence?
My sister did have any friends as a teen, she was very shy
she did stuff with my parents instead , she wasn't just left to sleep and hang around in pjs all day

Sorry my sister didn't have any mates to hang out with

pixie, I know. With my own two we have a great time and never spend money besides bus fare. But even that I have to walk one way.

The thing is they have been brought up by another woman with different values to me. They do not walk anywhere. They do not have breakfast. They do not have to get up, or dressed, or even have lunch! The evening meal is normally about 10 0'clock. I think part of the reason they don't do anything at their mums is that as a family they possibly have the energy for it since nobody has eaten anything all day!

I know they are quite an extreme example. But in terms of our family, it means an incredible amount of energy and time to even get them out of bed and make themselves a bowl of cornflakes, never mind persuading them we are going to have a great time going for a walk, playing football, etc.

But of course that's my own issue, I have no idea if the same applies to op. I'm just recognising how difficult it is to care full time for someone else's children, who have been given values that are not the same as your own, and those values are brought into your home. Difficult for the children too, the sense of conflict for them must be enormous!

a 13 year old doesn't need a baby sitter - just go out when you want to

I agree totally that it's so hard when they're not actually your child. If my stepson were my own child, I'd have got him involved in all sorts of things. Local youth football team, air cadets, etc etc. But whenever I mention this to his father, the response is always "he's not doing any harm" - well true, but his inactivity isn't doing much good, either! As a step parent you're expected to accept all the day-to-day stuff that comes with a child/teenager, but you're not usually "authorised" to deal with any of the trickier issues.

PS ? the OP raises an interesting point, that her husband doesn?t understand the problem because he works full time and it?s around to see what?s going on. My husband generally works six days a week, so only witnesses a fraction of his son?s apathy.

Not to mention that he has biology/history with his son, whereas obviously I don?t ? I?ve often asked my husband how he?d feel if my mother were hanging round the house every other weekend, surely it would drive him up the wall?????? Not many men could cope with prolonged contact with their mother-in-law, yet the principle is just the same when it?s the new wife trying to cope with the step children!

teenangersare going through this lazy period, where theirbodies grow faster than their brains

they need 12 hour sleep and hormones are making them lazy - lets say - pretty much all of them are the same

my friend said the onlyway is to negotiate and be firm in those negotiations

hope you can manage to do it

I think it's difficult. You want time alone without her there, but she probably feels the same about you - she's a teen and needs her space, she's discovering herself and might have self-esteem issues which prevent her from wanting to go out with friends. Having the 'atmosphere' interrupted when you're watching a DVD with your partner is part and parcel of having a teenager I'm afraid. You're not automatically entitled to time apart from her just because you're not her mother, or because you get time off from your own DCs. You live with her. And no couple with children gets 'time alone' unless they arrange it themselves, irrespective of whether they have step children.

Why not send her out for some groceries, or walk the dog if you have one, water the plants - something that gets her up and dressed and out the house. Once she's dressed she might feel compelled to be a bit more pro-active. Maybe even suggest she goes shopping for some new clothes, so pyjamas seem a less enticing option.

She might also be depressed, perhaps being bullied or feeling pushed out. It's a really difficult age and she is probably struggling with many different things and is choosing to deal with them by retreating from the world.

How about < gulp > suggesting she has some friends over for a sleepover?

Then you will get to have a look at her friendship dynamics at first hand, ie does she really have friends? Are her "friends" actually nice to her?

Hopefully then she will get invited to a few sleepovers in return.

Poor kid. Did you and her dad plan anything for her summer? What's on in your area? Tho I guess most stuff will be booked up by now. If she isn't very confident then some organised activities might be a good way for her to meet others. Is she going out with you and your dc?

Hmm, sounds like there may have been some kind of showdown amongst her friend group. Teenage girls can be monumentally bitchy remember.

I don't think you'll find out what it is without getting a bit closer to her. I appreciate that's probably the last thing you feel like doing right now, but if you can enjoy each other's company more maybe she'll seem less of an imposition.

If she's not doing stuff on her own/with friends/with her mum then how about getting her to do some stuff with you? Make her help out with the supermarket shop, run errands, do stuff around the house, clear out that annoying cupboard you've never got round to etc etc. Throw in a couple of fun 'treats' like cinema and shopping so she doesnt' feel like it;s slave labour, but not too much. Hopefully she'll realise that lying on her arse all day is not an option and arrange some stuff away from you. Alternatively you might get to know her a bit better and find out what's bugging her?

I'm trying really hard not to have a reaction to this which comes across as harsh but bearing in mind that you said "I know I'm probably being unreasonable" then I'm going to offer my opinion that you definitely are...

She's 13 - not 21. She's a child. A child who does not live with her mother. That's not to disparage your DP in any way - I'm sure that he's a brilliant Dad but a 13 year old girl needs her mother or at least a reasonable mother figure. I'm making some huge assumptions here because of lack of background but it sounds like - her mother has little interest in her, her father is not interested in actively getting her involved in any clubs etc. and you don't particularly enjoy her company.

13 year old girls aren't all gregarious hair-flicking hugely confident teenagers - some of them are terrified of the changes they're going through and pretty insular as a result. She might be having difficulties at school - is she being teased or even bullied? How developed is she? Anyone taking an interest in her growing body and explaining to her how and why it's changing - ensuring she has a bra that fits, stuff for her period?

Forgive me if I sound judgemental - I'm sure you're doing all those things and more but remember she's the child, you're the adult and fwiw it's a slightly artificial situation in that you get a break from your own kids on a regular basis anyway. Many of us don't - for me being separated regularly from my kids would be hell even if they were with their Dad who loves them and cares for them. That's not to say that I don't have a need for a break but it's a pretty unrealistic expectation in most circumstances except for those who are lucky enough to have childcare on tap or good contact arrangements with an absent parent.

Your DSD lives with you - you're her parent (albeit step-parent) and you're in some way, along with her father and mother, responsible for ensuring she's happy and healthy. She doesn't sound as if she is and perhaps you should be focusing on how best to help her fix that rather than engineering a "break" from her company.

Is she short of money? Maybe all her friends are doing expensive things and she feels as if she can't compete.

Come to think of it I reckon I stayed in the house a lot when I was that age. I just lived in a sort of daydream. I used to get up at 6am because it meant having an hour on my own downstairs without being annoyed by my family. My Mum thought I was barking - a teenager getting up early FFS

Oops - crossed posts with your post giving further info and a number of other posts...sorry!

I have often asked DP how he would feel if he were at home and I worked and he had my DS at home constantly, even though his own kids went off and did their own thing. I asked how he would feel if his own DC was away for the weekend but mine refused to go anywhere and stuck around the house instead. He admitted he wouldn't put up with it. So why am I expected to?

She won't go to shop or anything, she won't leave the house unless she has someone to leave it with. She once invited a friend down who had to walk a long 30 minute walk to get here and she refused to even meet her half way. Its just lazyness.

I've offered sleepovers, she makes excuses.

There are lots of things going on in our area but she refuses to do anything. The youth club organises day trips to theme parks etc, she won't go. The local leisure centre had a club she could have joined which would have allowed her to do gymnastics, trampolining, swimming, tennis, drama - she won't go.

If I'm taking my own DC out (rare, because they entertain themselves!) I invite her and unless it will involve buying her dinner out, she refuses to come with us.

She supposedly hates her mother and finds her embarrassing so I can't even get her on side.