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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My lovely Step-daughter and her evil mother...

30 replies

MaryRose · 31/07/2010 14:45

Looking for a few opinions.....basically my DH's ex is a total nightmare, I've accepted that she is always going to be, we've had 5 years of problems with her being particularly vicious to me last week so that I was at the point of Googling restraining orders! She has even accused me of having an awful temper and being horrible to the kids which my kids just laughed at it's such bollocks. Anyway, we are taking my stepdaughter, who I adore and is an absoloute treasure (though the ex keeps saying I don't give a s* about her) on holiday next week with our other 3 kids. I can't wait but I have a nagging suspicion that the ex will try to be continually texting my stepdaughter (she's 11 and has her own mobile) and calling to check up and it will be disruptive for us all. So I was thinking of making a rule that we all (me and DH included) can only have our mobiles on for a set hour in the evening. I don't want to stop my stepdaughter talking to her mother or anything cruel like that but on a previous weekend away she ruined the whole thing by calling my DH all the time. If we just had the mobiles on an hour a day that would give plenty of time for mum and daughter to catch up every day. Is this a reasonable suggestion do you think?

OP posts:
jeminthecellar · 31/07/2010 14:46

Yes, esp as you are making it a family rule for everyone

ValiumSingleton · 31/07/2010 14:51

She should be able to text her daughter. she will want to keep in touch with her. So what if her phone is bleeping? It will make her feel secure. Don't take that away from her.

Your husband can turn off his own phone if he wants to.

I think some not all step mothers can be incredibly blind to how hard it is to let your child go for a whole week.

And I don't think that the first wife, or the second wife (either of them) is ever equipped to be the judge of whether the other is a 'nightmare' or not. The situation is a nightmare.

Original poster
MaryRose · 31/07/2010 14:56

I agree she should be able to talk to her daughter. But we have seen texts from the ex when my stepdaughter is with us making vile comments about us, presumably to try and create diharmony between us. We have fought incredibly hard to have her for week and I don't want it ruined.

And just for the record, I am not blind to letting your child go for a week, I have two girsl myself who go off on holiday with their dad, I know how hard it is, but I, unlike me ex, respect that they also deserve uninterrupted time with their dad.

Sorry to be snappy, but if you had the full picture of what this woman had subjected us to over 5 years, including telling my stepdaughters school that she had no father until we went in and read the riot act, you would think she was a nightmare too.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryRose · 31/07/2010 15:10

Go I sound angry! Sorry, I'm just so exhausted with it all and the accusations of me being a bad parent are just the final straw as my kids are the centre of my world. (though strangely, despite the "concerns" the ex raised about my supposedly bad parenting, she still brought DSD to me every day this week so she could go to work (I took annual leave!), and didn't say thanks of course....)

OP posts:
ValiumSingleton · 31/07/2010 15:15

yeah you do sound angry - but I don't think anybody said you are a bad parent......... ?

I bet she thinks you're a nightmare too. I'm sure my x tells all his new partners that I'm a nightmare!! That's what I mean when I say that two women in these 'roles' can't really objectively judge whether or not the other is a bad tempered nightmare or not. It's a difficult situation.

I say let the child have her phone and a bit of bleeping won't ruin your holiday. Unless you're taking the phone and reading the text messages you won't know what they say! ignorance is bliss.

Original poster
MaryRose · 31/07/2010 15:20

Sorry, I meant the ex wife has accused me of being a bad parent - not you

OP posts:
Original poster
MaryRose · 31/07/2010 15:22

I wouldn't take her phone and read her txts...she deserves some privacy...I know I should rise above it...but it is hard!

OP posts:
secunda · 31/07/2010 15:29

Valium, the ex-wife said Mary was a bad parent.

Sorry, I think you can judge whether the ex-wife/new wife is objectively a 'nightmare' (strong word) or just a bit irritating sometimes, which you can dismiss. There is a difference between your husband telling you about his ex and experiencing her for yourself. A sensible woman can come to her own conclusions. The situation is rarely a 'nightmare', in fact. It's entirely possible to be perfectly cordial.

I don't see how getting abusive texts from her mother will make her feel secure. I would imagine any 11yo would feel a bit uncomfortable getting texts from her mother saying 'MaryRose is a bitch' or whatever, when the girl knows she isn't. It will just make her feel uncomfortable, surely. It is difficult at that age because you still haven't reached the understanding that your parents are fallible humans like everyone else, so when they say something like that your immediate reactio is to think that it's true, even though you can tell it isn't really.

I think the no phones except for an hour rule is fair. It's for everyone, and it means that the SD can still communicate with her mother every day. I personally hate the fact that everyone is always glued to their phone the entire time, and holidays should be a break from that

Bobbalina · 31/07/2010 15:40

I think you should allow your DSD to decide for herself whether to take her phone out with her. You could suggest she leaves it behind but insisting is a bit too controlling in my view

onadietcokebreak · 31/07/2010 16:29

OP I completely understand from you are coming from .

Can her father ring her any time of day or night on the mobile when she is with mother? I doubt it!

I would insist on set times for calling. And phones off at other times.

littlemoominmamma · 31/07/2010 16:36

she is saying your a bad mum, you are saying she is a bad mum, it's just the usual tit for tat with children stuck in the middle.

She is old enough to decide for herself if she wants to take her phone with her. If you take it off her you know it will upset her mum (is that what you want?)

booyhoo · 31/07/2010 16:46

em, i think OP is entitled to judge whether this woman is a nightmare as she has direct experience of her. this isn't a case of a man telling his wife horror stories about his ex. she has met the woman herself and has been dealing with her for five years. she is entitled to form an opinion of her.

booyhoo · 31/07/2010 16:48

i also don't see where OP has said the other woman is a bad mum.

littlemoominmamma · 31/07/2010 17:00

It will obviously escalate the situation between the mum (evil??) and the op if she takes this action, why on earth would she want that?

It may be a small victory, but in the end will pi*s the mum off no end (which i am sure op knows )and cause rows, which the step daughter will have to live with. No one will win.

I would suggest she stops reading her step daughters texts and eventually the girl will get fed up of herself I am sure!

booyhoo · 31/07/2010 17:07

this doesn't sound to me like it's about getting victories over the mum. it sounds like the OP and her family are going on holiday and want a relaxing break away from everything. even if they aren't reading her messages they will tense up everytime the girls phone bleeps or everytime they see her texting because they know the sort of thing that the texts will say.

i think restricting everyones phone use to a set 1 hour period is a good idea. they are all going on holiday for a break after all.

all they have to do is tell the mum beforehand that this is what is happening and that the dd will be able to ring her mum every evening to let her know how she is enjoying her holiday.

littlemoominmamma · 31/07/2010 17:20

When my daughters dad used to say bad stuff about her step dad he used to say "it takes two to argue...." He didn't retaliate and ex ended up looking like a right idiot.

Also our little girl never went through the horrible rows and disagreements. It got to the stage where he would start and she would just tell him to stop herself.

I do hope they have a lovely holiday and trust the girl to make up her own mind about the texts.

mummytime · 31/07/2010 17:58

Quite a bit of Derbyshire doesn't have any mobile phone coverage? Or maybe you can visit lots of churches, cinemas etc? Or forget them in the car/hotel/cottage? Put them on silent and forget?

edam · 31/07/2010 18:05

What would your stepdaughter think of the idea? Would she feel able to tell you if she didn't like it? (Even the nicest parents can have children telling us what they think we want to hear, sometimes.)

HerBeatitude · 31/07/2010 18:21

I think just one hour in the evening is a bit harsh.

I would say an hour in the morning, a quick look at lunchtime and an hour in the evening. And let the mother know so that she understands why she's not getting replies. (But don't tell her about the quick lunchtime one and the rule should be that unless it's an emergency, no responses for the "quick look" slot until the evening hour.) If you stick to the times, then hopefully the rule will become redundant as the mother realises there's no point texting.

Don't forget your SD might be wanting texts from her friends as well. Depending on how old she is, she may well resent this limitation of text time.

booyhoo · 31/07/2010 19:56

yes herbeatitude that sounds more reasonable. she can check in with her mum in the morning and evening and have aquick check for any messages at lunchtime

mrscynical · 31/07/2010 22:08

I never take a mobile on holiday ever.

It wasn't that long ago that mobiles did not exist. People (parents, kids, stepkids etc) still went away.

I think you should only take your husbands mobile, for emergencies only, and state to ex that it will not be answered/looked at for texts except for one hour at a stated time. That way you can all chill out and actually enjoy the holiday.

Sorry, old bag's opinion, feel free to disregard.

wildfish · 31/07/2010 23:20

A bit puzzled :: Your last weekend was spoiled cos ex was calling your DH. So your solution is to limit DSD mobile time.?

I think your DH can chose not to answer a phone without you needing to resort to this rule. TBH I would find this rule very annoying no matter who I was. Like someone else said if she gets texts it could be anyone and since you won't be checking, how is it going to ruin your holiday?

Meow75 · 31/07/2010 23:27

I think I'd suggest to DSD that she puts her phone on silent/vibrate only, and then she will be pretty much the only one who knows if/when a text/call comes in. She can then decide whether to respond or not.

What you decide to do with the rest of the family's phones is up to you.

ElenorRigby · 01/08/2010 10:08

When my stepdaughter (8) is with us she has phone contact each evening before bedtime with her mother. Quite frankly a lot of the time DSD said she didnt want to speak with her mother, as she enjoying time with us. A probing phone call isnt much fun.

MaryRose your DSD's mother is harassing her/you by constantly texting and phoning, so yes turn all the bloody phone's off and enjoy your hard won holiday! You should all be able to forget any troubles and chill out! One hour a day is more than enough.

btw this forum often has replies from people who arnt step parents. I suggest you take more notice of step parents comments here, as we have walked the walk as it were.

Also try getting support here

wildfish · 01/08/2010 10:37

ElenorRigby: What is wrong with hearing from the other side? Why are step parents views more valid? That doesn't really make sense to only hear views from like minded people. It only serves to validate your views.

Meow75 said have them on vibrate. That seems another fair idea. Also the OP is preempting something that hasn't happened. If the number of calls or texts started to affect the holiday then it might be fair to ban the replies, but otherwise what is the big deal? Seems very unfair.