Are we doomed or will I adjust?

[sunshinerainbow]

DS (aged 12) and I moved in with DP recently.

Everything about our relationship is lovely and I think the world of him. He is pretty good with DS (although he did have a moan about his negativity when we had not been together long) but he has proven to be a good influence at best and not a problem at worst. He is certainly more of a responsible role model than his own Dad.

DP has 4 kids from his first marriage and an obstructive and critical ex wife.

Obviously I knew all that before I moved in and not sure if I hold a grudge about what he said about DS all that time ago, but I do find myself looking for his kids faults even if I don't say anything just in case I need to point out that his kids are far from perfect too!

Here I am hoping and praying that ex wife won't decide that DP should have the kids for nearly all the summer holidays (like she did once before) especially as DP works 7 days a week in the summer and I work 4.5 days. I feel so guilty for not wanting them. Is that bad of me? He will be expected to farm the kids out to various relatives or for him to take the little one to work with him (he's self employed).

We will definetely have them from Friday lunchtime to Monday lunchtime every other week and one day in the week from 3pm one day to 9am ish the following day as a minimum and I feel that as I will probably do the lions share that that is plenty.

I love the way DS has other children to play with, the children are really nice kids and DS loves them to bits, they have their faults and they have obviously been brought up differently but they aren't bad but they do create a lot of work (just the washing alone is ridiculous!) and expense, just the sheer number of them makes it quite a daunting prospect taking them out or inviting anyone round. When I was on my own I could take DS anywhere with me or leave him at home for short periods, DP's youngest is only little so she has to be with me all the time and she is quite demanding of attention which is quite draining sometimes.

DP's ex doesn't work and will use her free time to see her BF. I however, rarely get time without DS, and yes, I am jealous she gets a break and can dictate not just DP's life but mine and DS too.

I know I have gained siblings for my son and I am very fond of the kids and it's nice that they interact so well, but I miss those quiet lazy days off work when DS and I could just do things alone and get up at 7 or 8am. His kids get up at 5 - 6am and the biggest ones don't go to bed til gone 10. DS and I get so tired when they are around but DS fights it and tries to keep up with them.

I suppose I feel that although DS lives with us all the time, he doesn't really cause DP any inconvenience, although DP does pick him up from clubs and does some running around for him while I'm at work - DS wipes up every night, keeps his room tidy and picks up after himself, does his homework the night he gets it - because he his made to do so. DP puts the washing on, but I hang it out, fold it, iron it, put it all away. I cook, do the shopping and although we have a cleaner, it's a big house and the cleaner only does about half of what needs doing. When his kids arrive, there just seems to be "stuff" everywhere. And apart from a bit of ironing by the teenage girls and setting the table, they do nothing at our home including not picking their dirty clothes or towels off the floor, doing their homework without having tantrums or tidying up afterselves.

I think I am happy with the good bits of my new life but am being selfish and wanting to keep the good bits of my old life too.

Just needed to vent a bit and have a moan.

Thanks for reading.

i think it's an incredibly tough job being a step-parent. i wouldn't do it, especially not taking on 4 kids, so have a lot of respect for anyone who does it with good heart/will, which it sounds like you do.

my dh does a brilliant job with ds1, but even so sometimes i do feel a bit sad when i see him treat ds1 differently to his own children.

as to your comment about being jealous of his ex having time to herself.... ds1's stepmum i suspect thinks i have an unreasonably easy life - on the other hand i know she doesn't have a clue about the crap i put up with from my exh... so i think you just have to accept that there are pluses and minuses on both sides.

Surely if your partner works 7days a week over the summer, there is no way he can have his children for most of the summer holidays - unless he expects you to look after them, which is pretty unfair, and I think you should put your foot down about it.

Agree with petal- if your dp working can't expect you to do It all and also defeats object As point of kids being with him is to spend time with them. And sounds like you are doing well with being a step parent as it is tough as it's not same thing as your own child and with the best will in the world when you are having a tough time with them
You do wish for time out.

As for ex w try not to dwell on it - dh and ex w had a very acrimonious split . She has very different life to me but that is the way it is. I don't dwell on it as it's not my relationship but try to focus on making relationship with step kids work and in a way that isn't detrimental to our home. In your situation I would put foot down if extended visit if dp isn't going to take time out or pay for help for you .

And no it's not doomed- I never thought I would say it but nearly 6 years on does get better ESP as kids older (that said I didn't have children of my own).

Thanks for all the replies.

I have made it pretty clear that he must just say no if she tries it on. When they split 4 years ago they agreed that contact would be the school minimum in the summer due to his working hours, but 2 years ago she decided to lie and tell him she had a job (it was actually a new boyfriend who worked shifts) and blackmailed him and his family into having the kids for most of the time in the summer so she could be with him. Last year she didn't do it (alhtough she is still with BF) and I suppose I've just frightened myself into thinking that she might do it again and I suspect she would tell him that if he doesn't do his "share of childcare" then he can't see them at all.

I just see women on here saying how much they love their step kids and want to see them and I wonder if I could ever feel like that. I don't dread them coming but I don't look forward to it either.

My husband's ex likes to despatch her son to us as often as possible over the summer holidays. But my husband and I both work full time, so it means the son is simply hanging round an empty house all day (he's 16). So I never see the point of having him here when he's not spending time with his father. But my husband is very reluctant to rock the boat, he says his son isn't doing any harm when he's alone at our house - OK, that's true enough - but it seems pretty pointless and it really winds me up.

But to answer the original question - no, you're not doomed. It's a challenge, but not a deal breaker. You just have to accept that most men think it's the most natural thing in the world to have their children in the house, and don't understand the angst it causes their new wives/partners.

The problem here is one of the resident parent deciding the children's contact agenda according to her own needs, rather than the children's, and not consulting the non-resident parent.

I have got very cross with DP's exW for doing this in the past (and we have shared parenting with her - she still thinks she can make all the decisions about where the boys stay) and undoubtedly will get cross about it again in future, as she never learns.

Yesterday DP got an email informing him of a holiday she had booked for her and the DSSs that has nothing to do with agreed arrangements, and clashes with all sorts of previous arrangements, hers included .

Yes, he does just say when the ex is being awkward that he just "wants to see his kids". Although he has done it alone for 4 years, I do wonder if he feels he now his "family package" back as it was although beit with a new addition (my DS). What he needs to remember is that I'm not their Mum and really don't want to be! I don't want him to be a Dad to my son, just a decent role model and someone to support me in parenting him.

He has every right to see his children at a time that is mutually agreed between all parties. Why is he such a doormat to his exW?

And, of course, it is really not on if you have to do the lion's share of the housework, shopping, laundry, homework supervision and general chores and errands associated with four extra children. The children need to be made more responsible (easier said than done, but it is your DP's job to explain to them why they must be so, and to enforce it, not yours) and your DP must do a lot of the work.

A lot of men seem to be doormats to their ex wives. I'm not sure if it's becase they fear they won't see their children unless they 'obey' all the time, or if it saves hassle not to argue with the ex. But I often feel that my husband doesn't mind upsetting ME by agreeing to pretty bizarre requests, just so long as he dones't have to cross swords with his ex. She seems to have real hold over him when it comes to things like that. Even if he's working away (and I mean hundreds of miles away) he'll break his neck to get back here on a Weds night, so that he doesn't miss a 'contact night', just to keep the ex happy. If not, she'll make him have compensatory access at another time. God knows what he'd do if he were in the forces, he coulnd't pop back from Afghanistan every Weds night .....

petal - surely he gets back on a weds night to see his child, not just to make the ex happy? your choice of words is interesting - she'll 'make' him have compensatory access as if that's a punishment?

LOL Petal02, I found personally that the best way to deal with DP not wanting to upset exW was to get a lot more upset myself at being imposed upon .

Being reasonable and tolerant about flaky contact agreements worked well while I was busy establishing a relationship with the DSSs; once that relationship was on track, I could defend my own family's interests.

If DP is away or out when the DSSs are at our house, that doesn't change contact in any way, shape or form.

Just as it doesn't change contact if their mother is away and they are at her house (and this happens frequently).

Contact is not childcare.

His ex refuses to speak to him in person or by phone and will only have contact by e-mail and then takes a week to reply.

She says that HE is controlling and doesn't compromise. If she ever "does him a favour" by having the kids when he can't or letting him have the kids when he wants extra, she expects ten times the amount in return. Not that he ever asks to deviate, only twice in the 2 years I have been with him.

His family and him have pointed out that he takes the kids for A LOT of access anyway (over half of the other school hols as well as the other times) and if she wants her (lots of) maintenance then she has to let him work the rest of the time. She is just oblivious to this and even the kids think she has the best career and yet we know that he earns TEN times what she does! She does whatever she can to be damn awkward and try to antagonise him. She refuses mediation and yet tells the kids that it is him who is obstructive.

ooh sunshine,that rings true with us as well! My dh's ex has always said she'll "allow" him to see the kids when she feels like it and it's only at her convenience... And used the term "doing him a favour" etc... it is completely infuriating.
The funny thing is we sent her an email to say, we'd like the children on these weekends (as we had stuff planned) and she misread it thinking we DIDNT want them on certain weekends and we were making her have them!
Then when we've wanted to plan holidays to take them away during school holidays and give her the dates and ask her if that's ok she'll a) delay a few weeks (meaning flights get even more expensive!) and b) say I am not sure if I am going to let you take them!
grrrr

Sunshine, apols if I misunderstood your comment - when you say 'contact is not childcare' do you mean that even if my husband is in Darkest Peru on a 'contact night', that the ex should still send the son to our house, even though he won't see his Dad? Or are you saying the opposite, that contact arrangements should be at a time when the child can spend time with the parent? Because I sometimes feel that our contacts arrangements are all about the ex getting the son out of the house, regardless of whether his Dad is around or not.

I'm the one who said "contact is not childcare". What I mean by that is that contact times should be fixed and not renegotiable because the parent who is due to have the children has work commitments. It makes a mockery of the whole system otherwise.

I have quite often had the DSSs here when DP has been away or out (unavoidably - he does try his utmost not to be away or out when they are at our house). This is the DSSs' home (they have two homes), where their sister lives, and where a lot of their education and upbringing is done. They need to come here, whether or not DP is around, in order to get on with their lives as normal.

Bonsoir, but surely the contact arrangement is in place to ensure the parent gets to see the child? Because my husband's ex insists the arrangements are set in stone, half the time the son is at our house when there's no one in, which seems insane. He's 16 by the way. I think a 16 yr old is quite old enough to cope with a Weds changing to a Tues, so that he can see his Dad?

I think the contact arrangement is to ensure a child spends time with each parent but also at each home living a normal life. If a parent's normal life includes a lot of overnight business travel, it is normal that a child will not see his parent every night.

I completely refuse to countenance having my life schedule dictated by my DP's exW's company, which is what changing the DSSs' nights around would imply.

I see where you're coming from now - you wouldn't want you DP's ex dictating your life because of her work. I can understand that totally, and I wouldn't want that either. But in our family, it's not the ex wife who requests a bit of flexibilty, it's us - because of my husband's work. So we seem to have the opposite problem to you. It doesn't work well from either side, does it??

I do have sympathy but I think you have to accept that you knew what you were getting before you moved in i.e. a DP with 4 children and that would mean they would come and stay. How would you feel if one or two wanted to move in full time?
I would respect a guy for wanting to be fully involved in his kids lives but agree he shouldn't be walked all over by his ex.
I suspect you resent his ex and is there perhaps some resentment to the children?
Try and enjoy it and make rules for the 4 children so that when they come to stay they live by your rules and tidy up or load the dishwasher etc. That way you're not doing it all, it sets boundaries and everyone is treated the same.

Whilst I'm sure the OP did expect the 4 children would want to come and stay, I don't think she expected it would be for the majority of the summer holidays, particularly when her partner is working!!!

If I had a pound for every time someone says "you knew what you were getting into" - yes, I had an idea what I was getting into, but I never knew it would be such a challenge. And at lot of step-mums suffer because, inexplicably, many men are walked all over by their exes.

Petal02 - it doesn't work for anybody if work becomes some kind of supreme dictator that takes precedence over the habits and routines of two families.

My DSSs also need to know where they will be spending the evening, and when - I'm their English and French homework "help" and if they come here on the wrong day, that puts their homework schedule out. Just one example - but the reality is that we need to plan our regular lives and you cannot have one person upsetting everyone's routines unless it is an emergency (illness etc) or an exceptional occasion (important wedding etc).

Petal, I'm not saying that them staying for the full summer is acceptable and I have been in the position of being step mum and it didn't work because of the way my ex handled his ex, IYSWIM!

However, what if one of the children wants to move in full time, would that not be acceptable? I think the DP needs to grow a set of balls and deal with the ex as unfortunately if he doesn't it will get worse and resentment will build up.