Are we doomed or will I adjust?

[sunshinerainbow]

DS (aged 12) and I moved in with DP recently.

Everything about our relationship is lovely and I think the world of him. He is pretty good with DS (although he did have a moan about his negativity when we had not been together long) but he has proven to be a good influence at best and not a problem at worst. He is certainly more of a responsible role model than his own Dad.

DP has 4 kids from his first marriage and an obstructive and critical ex wife.

Obviously I knew all that before I moved in and not sure if I hold a grudge about what he said about DS all that time ago, but I do find myself looking for his kids faults even if I don't say anything just in case I need to point out that his kids are far from perfect too!

Here I am hoping and praying that ex wife won't decide that DP should have the kids for nearly all the summer holidays (like she did once before) especially as DP works 7 days a week in the summer and I work 4.5 days. I feel so guilty for not wanting them. Is that bad of me? He will be expected to farm the kids out to various relatives or for him to take the little one to work with him (he's self employed).

We will definetely have them from Friday lunchtime to Monday lunchtime every other week and one day in the week from 3pm one day to 9am ish the following day as a minimum and I feel that as I will probably do the lions share that that is plenty.

I love the way DS has other children to play with, the children are really nice kids and DS loves them to bits, they have their faults and they have obviously been brought up differently but they aren't bad but they do create a lot of work (just the washing alone is ridiculous!) and expense, just the sheer number of them makes it quite a daunting prospect taking them out or inviting anyone round. When I was on my own I could take DS anywhere with me or leave him at home for short periods, DP's youngest is only little so she has to be with me all the time and she is quite demanding of attention which is quite draining sometimes.

DP's ex doesn't work and will use her free time to see her BF. I however, rarely get time without DS, and yes, I am jealous she gets a break and can dictate not just DP's life but mine and DS too.

I know I have gained siblings for my son and I am very fond of the kids and it's nice that they interact so well, but I miss those quiet lazy days off work when DS and I could just do things alone and get up at 7 or 8am. His kids get up at 5 - 6am and the biggest ones don't go to bed til gone 10. DS and I get so tired when they are around but DS fights it and tries to keep up with them.

I suppose I feel that although DS lives with us all the time, he doesn't really cause DP any inconvenience, although DP does pick him up from clubs and does some running around for him while I'm at work - DS wipes up every night, keeps his room tidy and picks up after himself, does his homework the night he gets it - because he his made to do so. DP puts the washing on, but I hang it out, fold it, iron it, put it all away. I cook, do the shopping and although we have a cleaner, it's a big house and the cleaner only does about half of what needs doing. When his kids arrive, there just seems to be "stuff" everywhere. And apart from a bit of ironing by the teenage girls and setting the table, they do nothing at our home including not picking their dirty clothes or towels off the floor, doing their homework without having tantrums or tidying up afterselves.

I think I am happy with the good bits of my new life but am being selfish and wanting to keep the good bits of my old life too.

Just needed to vent a bit and have a moan.

Thanks for reading.

Bonsoir - I agree with you to a point, but shifts and working hours do dictate many households. Not ideal, but often it's just the way it is.

I feel I should add that stepson is a decent lad, it's just the peripheral issues that cause the tension.

Yes, I did know that he had 4 kids before I moved in and I was aware of the amount of contact. However, until you live with someone, you don't really know how things will pan out. We used to spend a lot of time together including when all the children were around but ultimately I was still a guest in their home and I had my own home (and washing, lol) to go home to.

With the best will in the world, you don't really know until you do it.

The other thing is that neither DP or I know what contact will be in the holidays it's all down the whims of his ex. DP seems to fight her for access for most of the holidays (they agreed 50% each when they split) but she knows that summer is busy and they agreed that he can only have them for the same times as during term time. I don't like not knowing what is going on and if I am going to lose out on things that I am planning for myself and my DS because of her decisions.

If one, some or all of the children wanted to move in full time then I would do my best to make it work. In some ways it would be easier because at least then we would feel we had some input rather than just being "free childminders with a wallet" which is how DP describes her opinion of us. His ex is quick to critise us and our parenting but never can see any positives at all.

I agree that shifts/work travel often dictate the life of households - I don't think that the shifts/travel schedule of another household on top is viable, that's all!

But I am entirely aware that the extent to which stepchildren are happy to come to a home where their bio parent is not present and spend time with a stepparent and half-sibling will vary wildly from family to family.

I really value the times that I spend with the DSSs without DP being present - it makes a real difference to our relationship in a very positive way. Fortunately!

Why doesn't DP go to court for a defined contact arrangement which will then remove some of the unknowns?

Well, we're half expecting her to move in with her boyfriend at any time and he lives in another county. She has already said she is planning on moving there at some point. If he goes to court and he gets contact he has now, it will all change when they move because he won't be able to take them to school on Monday morning and pick them up Friday night and have them overnight during the week. She would be living nearly a 4 hour round trip drive away. Also she regularly tells him that the 3 eldest don't want to come as often as they do but when he and other members of her and his family have asked them, they do want to come but change days around etc. I think they say whatever they want the other person to hear at the time.

Sunshine, I'd be a little wary about defined contact arrangements if I were you. Because this wouldn't take the welfare of your own son into account. There's another thread running about this at the mo (called 'where does my child fit into contact arrangements')

Petal,

The ex wife and DP always arguing does mean that my DS and his needs can easily get forgotten about.

It's always about what's best for their children, and I'm always very aware that there are 5 children to think about, not just their 4.

I am sure a court wouldn't see it like that though.

This threat has intrigued me, cos I'm wondering if I would try to make life difficult around contact etc for my ex and his new partner if I were in that situation. My girls are grown up and married, but I must admit to a bitter twinge of something when my my girls had to attend their father's recent wedding - the first time they had gone to a "family" do without me being there, it felt so strange, and it's taken me a while to get used to them having a step mum, even though they can't communicate with her as she's newly arrived from Thailand. However, the boot is on the other foot with my DP's sons, whose mother dips in and out of their lives as it suits, but has always without fail managed to dictate how we live our lives, when and if we can plan days/nights out, weekends away, work arrangements etc. etc. At the drop of a hat , or a last minute "dreaded" phone call, our lives can be disrupted, put on hold, arrangements have to be undone, nothing can be planned in advance, all according to her needs and her own social goings on. And yes, it's okay to upset me, and also in fact to annoy and probably also upset the boys, but god forbid that the ex wife is upset - what is this about?? Why are these men not able to say no to their ex wives?? It makes me wonder about that old saying, keep em mean and keep em keen - cos it seems to me that all the bitches always have the nicest, easiest going husbands. Does that make people like me the biggest doormat going? Or a nice, understanding person? Someone shoot me and put me out of my misert cos I will never know the answer to that if I live to be 100!

secondtimer,

I know exactly what you mean. I am as nice as pie to my ex who didn't pay a penny in maintenance for 7 years, who is incredibly unreliable for contact and who has never attended a parents evening, sports day or school play even though I have told him about every single one.

If DP was to carry on the way he does, his ex would go nuts (she already does go nuts anyway, though over nothing!).

I think the difference is that if I kick off and try and expect some routine and consistency from my ex, he will simply walk away from our son (he has done it with his kids from first marriage, so I KNOW he would) whereas DP would NEVER walk away from his kids and his ex knows that and so can pull his strings by making lots of demands and critisisms.

It's not fair when you sit in the middle and feel like you're just trying to keep everyone happy and spend your whole life biting your tongue both to your ex husband and DP ex wife. That's why places like this are so lovely to come and vent.

sunshine, this thing about about having to put a lid on things does actually pay off in the long run though - we should never underestimate our children's ability to see the difference between the good, the bad and the downright manipulative! Kids seem to work on the "actions speak louder than words" principle, in my experience anyhow - they are very good at working things out for themselves and knowing where they are better off and better loved. It doesn't make it any easier, knowing they have to come to these harsh truths eventually, but they are pretty resilient things, ours offspring. Let's take heart!

Secondtimer - you are sooo right on a couple of points! Firstly, why do men find it so hard to stand up to their ex wives, even when keeping the ex wife happy means causing aggro for the new wife? And you're also right that kids are very good at spotting who's the good guy and who's the trouble maker. My husband's ex wife can be very manipulative at times, but my stepson can see right through her ......