my husband wants my 14 yr 0ld son out

[ItsHunkyDory]

what do i do ? I have 2 kids with him age 4 and 6. My 14 yr old is a naughty boy always causing huge problems at home etc and been excluded from school etc.but I cant just send him away to live with real junkie/dropout father 200 miles away who has had little contact with over the years. I have no family here able to have him so the other option is social services I have had no dealings with ss and dont want to. I have told h i will leave with 14 yr old and he just goes mad.I have been diffussing these flare ups between h and s for years but now they are pratically fighting infront of us, H thinks its a simple matter of choosing him or us. I love my 3 kids the same even if eldest is a horror cant just wash my hands can i or sould i ?

Dh sounds like hes at the end of his tether,(as do you) Maybe, in his state, he can see the leaving of the DS as the only solution.

However, you must never agree to this.

Can I ask, do you love DH, do you want to stay with HIM? If the answer is no, then leave with all the children.

If it yes then like lots of other people have said, the only solution is for you two to work togeather as a team, to try to deal with DS behaviour. You really do need help, very few would beable to cope with DS behaviour without outside help.

Talk to DH tonight, tell him you want to be together as a family, but with sons behaviour changed. Ask him if he will agree to getting outside help, and working together, to sort this whole thing out.

I asumed that the problem behaviour had a lot to do with relationship between DH and DS. If they werent living together, then DS agressive behaviour towards younger 2 would stop.

Am probably being too simplistic.

I would ask for help and support from Social Services, and ask husband again to attend family therapy, which should be available with CAMHS via the GP as school is no longer involved. Asking dh to move out for the time being may become necessay too, by the sound of it.

I really feel for you, I'm sorry you are going through this.

mjinhiding - 'only option' because the OP wasn't suggesting leaving the younger two for their own 'safety. She was saying she'd 'have' to leave the younger two because the husband wouldn't 'let' her take them, which is an entirely different thing.

You dh really eeds to reconsider the family councilling, it would be at leat a way forward for the next 4 years and to help hopefully make life pleasant living all together under the same roof.

Is there a particular reason your dh doesn't want to go to councilling?

This really must be such an awful time for you

I don't seethat it is as simple a choice as my marriage over my eldest child - but not my two youngest dc.

if the op leaves the home with her eldest dc and leaves behind the two little ones then they will be suffering as being left by one parent - if op leaves with all three dc how will that effect her two younger dc? and if she stays then they all suffer - typing it out on paper ffs this is awful position to be in cause no way can she ever get it right without hurting someone and the whole family.

can you op go for councilling on your own to help you try to move forward and possibly help you coem to an outcome with the least harm for the whole family,

Its unfortunate you dont have a better relationship with his natural father. This reminds me of problems i had with my DS2 a few years back although i had no partner at the time my ds2 very much bullied and controlled me and i feared very much for my DS3 who is 10 years younger. I too thought the same things as you, trying desperately to be a good mum to him at the same time walking on eggshells around him and trying to keep my sanity and my ds3 safe. Its a terrible thing for a mother to think of and i can imagine the shame and sense of uselessness you must feel before you are considering putting him into care it goes to show how much it has taken it toll on you. You have all my sympathy and i pray that you and your family will come through this. My circumstances were totally different and i myself felt very threaten by my ds2 i wasn't in the best frame of mind either but reluctantly gave in and listened to the school and SS and allowed for him go live with his father. A few years after and my DS2 (now 13) have a much better relationship. Always put your kids 1st sometimes the right thing to do is not the best thing to do. Never put you DH before your DC if he is aggressive as you say, maybe you and all the DC are better off out anyway xxx

I can understand your DH having problems with your DS and being at the end of his tether. But to have washed his hands of him and wanting him to leave at the age of 14 is pretty bad TBH. Especially as your DS doesn't have a reliable biological dad. You say you've been with your DH since your son was 5? So how has it gotten like this?

I'm a stepmum. I met my DSD when she was 2, she's now almost 18. She's lived with us since she was 9. Her mum is a bit of a waste of space too. The first few years she lived with us were blissful she was a lovely child. When she turned 13 was when the problems started. She practically changed over night. And I don't just mean normal teenage moodiness etc. She was getting into fights at school, self harming whilst in school, talking about suicide. Her behaviour went down hill rapidly. Sometimes she's go missing for over 24 hours at the age of 14. At the time I swung from wanting to hug her and make all the pain go away and wanting to bloody throttle her. I must admit there were a few occasions when she was arguing with me that I did slap her.

But not once did I ever ask DH to get her to move out. Oh I certainly thought about it, quite a lot if I'm honest. But I would never ask him to choose between his child and me.

The minute I decided to get into a long term relationship with someone with a child I then became another parent to that child. (And I was only bloody 16). DSD has had quite a turbulent teenagehood. The first part being of her own making the second part not being her fault at all. But always I've been her parent and treated her as if she was one of my dds. I haven't always felt love TBH but I've tried my damned hardest not to let it show.

Taking on your DS, your DH became his dad. He needs to start bloody acting like one. You need to have serious talks with your DH. He needs to realise how unfair he is being by putting you in this position. Your DS needs a dad right now. A dad he has known since he was 5. He is still a child. Your DH needs to grow a pair and if he can't then he should bloody well strap a pair on and fake it.

If your son is violent (am not sure if you've mentioned whether he is) then maybe you could contact SS for help, or maybe phone Parentline? Unless your DH is himself violent or abusive I don't see how he can stop you taking your younger DC with you if you decide to leave.

I'm very sorry you're going through this and I do hope things improve very soon.

well said KarmaAngel.

Dear Hunky Dory I hope things have picked up since your last post...it all sounds so terribly sad and familar....My DS is now 11, his father and i split up when he was 3 and i met my very darling second husband a few months later although i did not introduce him to DS for about 1 year and he did not move in with with us for about 18 months....DH and I have gone on to have two children DD1 and DD2 ages 4 and 2 - we do have some problems bet DS and DD1 but i think it is all within a normalish range of sibling rivalry exagerrated slightly becuase he is nerly 7 years older than her, My problem i the relationship bet DS and DH which is becoming very diffuciult, what started as ignoring each other has stared to flare up into agruments. My DH is as gentle as a lamb and very calm, rarely shouts or swears, unlike me, but last week DS irratated DH so much he started chucking things around the room. Both DS and DH resent one another, compete for my attention and DS can be really spiteful and nasty to me - not violent thank God - but he is only 11 that cld be coming....what should we do , my DH and I have been going to counseling for about 6 months and he is happy to get DS involved - but DH is so fed up that he has suggested that DS goes to live with his dad - fortunaly DS's dad lives 15 mins drive away near by and although he is a bit of a pot smoking loser who lets DS eat junk food all weekend,go to bed whenever he likes and lets him watch all kinds of crap on the TV he is a kind man who has seen lots of DS over the years , most weekends, so DS has a good relationship with him. DS's dad has a newish partner, they have been together for over 4 years and have no children, but DS has told me that he does not like her and that she is always tellinghim off.
I feel so torn , I cant bear he thought of DS moving out and I i worry so much that his dad will never get him to school on time, make sure he eats properly, goes to bed at a decent time etc etc. My DH has suggested that as DS's dad and i live so close that DS can live at both of our houses flitting between the two as he wishes. Do any of you have any advice on this??
BTW since DS finished his SATS in the summer he has become really horrible (even to his beloved grandparents who treat him like a little prince!). Refusing to do as i ask, pushing DD1 around a bit too much. Sulking in his room as soon as things do not go his way, arguing constatntly with me about everything. Is this normal for an 11 year old...i thought I might get a couple more years ofo peace b4 he became a moody teenager....

If he's been in his life since he was five - then he helped 'create the monster' . How can you not bond with a child when you meet them at 5 ?? He's obviously not had any good fatherly influence on him. He (your DS) hasnt become like this overnight. Sounds like your DH lost all interest when his own came along and your DS sounds like a very unhappy small child inside still - they are incredibly perceptive children - and do play up if felt unloved or less loved than siblings - maybe he picked up on that a lot earlier than you think. Jealousy is a very destructive emotion in a childs development.
Tell your DH he cant just say - 'stop the bus - i wanna get off !'. Tell him the next stops not till your sons 18 - at least !!

sorry to call your son a monster - I was just using that phrase - it sounds awful when I read it back . I think your DS is a very unhappy child - as I said - not a monster.

Pengimum - sorry we crossed posts - that was aimed at OP by the way - not in reply to yours - very similiar stories though. Very very sad - step families can be soooo bloody impossible sometimes.!!

penguimum - you blew my theory out the water about - how can you not bond with a 5yr old tho ! Is it maybe a man thing ? Do women more easily develop maternal instincts to any small child thrust into their care ? does anyone think ? caveman stuff maybe - another male in the camp - especially another mans ? There's bound to be some psycho-babble written about it somewhere .

From the experience of my much loved godson, I'd strongly urge you to show your DH the door

My heart truly goes out to you HunkyDory.

I was brought up from age 11 by my mum and Stepdad whom I love as my real dad (who has been out of the picture a long time).

However things havvent always been so great. My younger sister was quite aggressive towards my Stepdad from about age 11 to around 15. She used to have really bad outbursts coupled with problems at school and with the rest of the family. He tried and tried to resolve matters.

Both my parents went to counselling with her, we had family counselling, SS were involved. It was a very difficult time until it all accumulated in my sister one day beating our youngest sister up and attempting to strangle my mum. My Dad had to physically remove her from the house and would not let her back in. Cue massive arguements between my mum and dad and the big divide in the house with mum and us kids on one side and dad on the other.

Ultimately SS came to the rescue and offered to take my sister for what they called "respite weekends" where they go off and learn agner management etc. And the whole family went back into counselling.

This was 9 years ago and although it has been hard the whole family is thankful that rather than chucking in the towel we persevered. My Parents who were ready to divorce 9 years ago are expecting a very unexpected bundle of joy in march and have never been happier than in the past 2 years.

And as for my sister. My stepdad will be walking her down the aisle in one months time as a proud dad. They get on better than ever and The whole family is just brilliant.

I am telling you this because at the time of all the trouble I was in the same boat as most of the posters here. I felt my mum should have just chosen my sister over her DH. However now I feel that if she had our broken family would never have recovered as it helped my sister (and the rest of us) face up to, and deal with a lot of issues. I would rather have tried and tried to resolve the problems and then failed than just given up.

To the OP, we obviously dont know the full extent of your situation but you need to get help for your son. If you leave with him what is to say his problems will not continue. Get the whole family some help from SS thats what they are there for, not just to take kids into care.

And Big Hugs to you

Ffs he knew u were a package.if he couldnt handle u having a child,he should of fucked off there and then

would he wash hes hands if it was hes own child?

Are you sure your son aint acting because of your dh?It dont sound like he likes him atall