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Step-parenting

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Original poster

my husband wants my 14 yr 0ld son out

99 replies

ItsHunkyDory · 22/07/2010 07:57

what do i do ? I have 2 kids with him age 4 and 6. My 14 yr old is a naughty boy always causing huge problems at home etc and been excluded from school etc.but I cant just send him away to live with real junkie/dropout father 200 miles away who has had little contact with over the years. I have no family here able to have him so the other option is social services I have had no dealings with ss and dont want to. I have told h i will leave with 14 yr old and he just goes mad.I have been diffussing these flare ups between h and s for years but now they are pratically fighting infront of us, H thinks its a simple matter of choosing him or us. I love my 3 kids the same even if eldest is a horror cant just wash my hands can i or sould i ?

OP posts:
booyhoo · 22/07/2010 13:22

sorry but your children are more important than keeping a marriage together.

HerBeatitude · 22/07/2010 13:23

oh FGS of course the eldest son is awful - he's been treated abysmally, singled out as the black sheep in favour of the younger, golden children.

Your DH is point blank refusing family therapy? Why? Because he doesn't care about his family? If he gave a shat, he'd be down the family counselling sessions immediately.

If you do get rid of him you won't be doing your younger kids any favours - they'll be insecure about whether you'll get rid of them as well, if they act up when they're teenagers. Of course they hate him - they've been given permission to, it's his role in the family. Poor, lonely child. What a fucking awful life for him. You and your DH have failed to parent him properly and now you're blaming him and your DH won't even acknowledge he's got a problem.

Sorry I know this is harsh but you've been given very clear messages here about your job to stick up for your son and to stand up to your horrible bullying husband and you're ignoring them, it's obvious. What you are both doing to your DS is emotional abuse and it is really upsetting to read about. You sound as though you are being bullied by your DH as well and you're not aware of it. Stop talking about him "allowing" you to do anything -0 he's not in charge of you, stop letting him be, FGS be an adult and stick up for yourself and your son.

Fruitysunshine · 22/07/2010 13:23

Every family is unhappy at some stage or other and teenagers are enough to test the mettle of any adult - seriously!

It is how you manage that and work through it that makes the family stronger.

Not every argument/situation has to end in divorce!

Fruitysunshine · 22/07/2010 13:24

Booyhoo - I totally disagree that marriage is not as important as children. Marriage was created for the benefit of children!

booyhoo · 22/07/2010 13:29

if the marriage is causing that much distress to a child then the marriage is not worth it. the child did not chose to exist. the parent chose to have it and until that child is 18 then the parent has a responsibility to their well-being. this child is not well and the relationship his mother has with his step father is making it worse. the DH is not willing to go to family therapy. that tells me he isn't willing to sort this out for teh benefit of all involved, he wants his way, to the detriment of this mother and son relationship. to me, that is not a man worth keeping.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/07/2010 13:33

Itshunkydory,

Re this comment:-

"i am not choosing a man over him i am choosing a family to stay together unhappy or not"

Why exactly are you doing that?.

The above comment of yours is so fatuous it breaks my heart.

You all need family therapy and contacting Parentline Plus would be a good place for you all to start. Both you and your H are at fault here. Small wonder your son has acted as he has; he is a deeply unhappy and angry young man who will without intervention on your part grow up to be a deeply unhappy and angry adult. Some fine legacy you have left him, you should be ashamed of your part in this.

callalilies · 22/07/2010 13:34

My marriage is brilliant but no way is it more important than my children.

Fruitysunshine · 22/07/2010 13:35

I am sorry but everybody in that house has to be respected, not just the child. Everyone deals with stress differently and you cannot judge somebody based on a couple of paragraphs. I bet that if you were to sit and chat with her husband you would hear a totally different story.

If I took your advice 2 years ago I would have been divorced by now (for the 2nd time) 5 children will have their lives turned upside down, my DH would then be out of the home and my DS would still be miserable because his underlying issue was his real father.

But we are still a family and my DS is now very protective of his stepdad, a total contrast to 2 years ago.

Fruitysunshine · 22/07/2010 13:37

Nobody is saying it is more important but it is equally important. It has to be surely? The consequence of it failing is for your family to be split up and separated - that is a huge thing for anyone to go through and brings a whole set of it's own emotional issues.

grapesandmoregrapes · 22/07/2010 13:37

TBH I think you should take all your children and leave!

Your husband has been around since DS1 was 5, therefore it was him that brought him up, and is partly responsible for the wasy he is. What sort of man brings a child up, then decides they don't want them anymore because they are difficult?!

I'm not surprised that your DS1 doesn't get on with your DH, how could you get on with someone who has been a parent to you and then washes they're hands of you, and makes it clear that your brother and sister are loved more. I would be seriously fucked up if that was how I was brought up, and thats what you will do to your DS if you stay with this man!

At the end of the day your children's welfare should come first, and it is not fair for your DS to live in a house where he is not loved. Don't be surprised if your other children grow up to be like him, they are all being brought up by the same man!

Fruitysunshine · 22/07/2010 13:39

There are huge assumptions being made on this thread.

skidoodly · 22/07/2010 13:51

God it's so tedious when these conversations turn into relationship calculus.

booyhoo · 22/07/2010 13:56

fruity i imagine that the reason your family is improved now is that all memebers made an effort to get through it.

in this case it seems that the DH doesn't want to get through it, he wants the son to leave. that mean the Op only has two options (in my book) leave with her dcs and end her marriage or make her son leave and end teh relationship she has with him. sorting it out as a family doesn't seem to be on the cards this time.

mjinhiding · 22/07/2010 14:00

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Fruitysunshine · 22/07/2010 14:02

Booyhoo - do you not think that we sat with our head in our hands at one point exploring all the options? They included DH and I splitting up! There was a stage when we were all knackered and exhausted and just wanted out. But we got support and we got back on track. It was hell but I would go through it a hundred times over to get the same result.

Her DH does want to get through it, the only problem is that he only sees one way to resolve it. There are more ways with the help of professional people. Everyone gets cross and says things in the heat of the moment and I don't believe deep down (from my experience) that OP's DH wants that to happen.

Instead of analysing their relationship we should be sending them contacts of professional services who will be better advised as to whether they should remain a family or not. Parentline Plus and other organisations have already been mentioned so I hope OP discusses these with her DH.

Honestly people, where is the support??? This has turned into a thread about how crap a mother you all think she is by not leaving her DH - why would anyone come on here to read that?!

Fruitysunshine · 22/07/2010 14:04

mjnhiding - your last line of your post forms a crucial part of our relationship.

Thank you for putting it so eloquently.

booyhoo · 22/07/2010 14:08

that is what i said fruity, you all worked through it. this DH sees only one option and isn't willing to explore others. that would be the line for me. decision made.

pithyslicker · 22/07/2010 14:10

I don't see how taking all 3 children and leaving will help the situation. You need to get your husband and you working together.

mjinhiding · 22/07/2010 14:12

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callalilies · 22/07/2010 14:15

Of course working through it together would be miles better if that's possible, absolutely. I don't think anyone would argue differently.

It doesn't sound as though that's a remaining option, though, and personally I was concerned by the fact that the OP was talking about leaving with her oldest son and 'having' to leave the others because her DH wouldn't 'let' her take them.

I stand by my comment that my marriage is not as important as my children, to the extent that if it were not possible to fix a bad marriage and it was harming the children to stay in it, I would break it up.

My point is that if breaking up the marriage is the best thing for the children, then in that case taking them all is surely the only option, not leaving two of them behind.

callalilies · 22/07/2010 14:15

Of course working through it together would be miles better if that's possible, absolutely. I don't think anyone would argue differently.

It doesn't sound as though that's a remaining option, though, and personally I was concerned by the fact that the OP was talking about leaving with her oldest son and 'having' to leave the others because her DH wouldn't 'let' her take them.

I stand by my comment that my marriage is not as important as my children, to the extent that if it were not possible to fix a bad marriage and it was harming the children to stay in it, I would break it up.

My point is that if breaking up the marriage is the best thing for the children, then in that case taking them all is surely the only option, not leaving two of them behind.

callalilies · 22/07/2010 14:15

sorry for double post, don't know what happened there.

mjinhiding · 22/07/2010 14:18

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mjinhiding · 22/07/2010 14:27

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booyhoo · 22/07/2010 14:32

i can totally get that this man is at his wits end but i do not think that justifies the OP giving her ds over to SS. (not that they would take him but that is what she has said)

if it was me and OH said he couldn't take ds anymore i would ask him to leave. i would never contemplate removing ds.

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