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Step-parenting

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Original poster

my husband wants my 14 yr 0ld son out

99 replies

ItsHunkyDory · 22/07/2010 07:57

what do i do ? I have 2 kids with him age 4 and 6. My 14 yr old is a naughty boy always causing huge problems at home etc and been excluded from school etc.but I cant just send him away to live with real junkie/dropout father 200 miles away who has had little contact with over the years. I have no family here able to have him so the other option is social services I have had no dealings with ss and dont want to. I have told h i will leave with 14 yr old and he just goes mad.I have been diffussing these flare ups between h and s for years but now they are pratically fighting infront of us, H thinks its a simple matter of choosing him or us. I love my 3 kids the same even if eldest is a horror cant just wash my hands can i or sould i ?

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsHunkyDory · 22/07/2010 07:58

ps i have been with h for 9 yrs since s was 5 and their relashionship was ok at first but has gradually broke down

OP posts:
ib · 22/07/2010 08:04

He's your son. Until he's old enough to live by himself, he should have a place in your house.

If your dh doesn't see this, then that is the problem right there. You may need to deal with your son's behaviour, but turning your back on him is NOT doing that.

ItsAllaBitNoisy · 22/07/2010 08:07

If you are willing to even consider putting him into care, then maybe it would be better for the poor boy.

Your husband sounds delightful, no wonder your son has problems.

sarah293 · 22/07/2010 08:07

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Message withdrawn

PortBlacksand · 22/07/2010 08:08

"H thinks its a simple matter of choosing him or us"

I think it's a simple matter of choosing your children first - no matter what. Do you think your DH's attitude is part of your DSs problem?

StewieGriffinsMom · 22/07/2010 08:08

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Message withdrawn

sowhatis · 22/07/2010 08:09

your son def comes first. you need to tell your husband he needs to grow up. i wouldnt get rid of a dog after 14yrs...........so dont let your son be treated like this by him.

Pavlov · 22/07/2010 08:12

what a horrible horrible thing to have to deal with.

How very unfair of your DH to do this to you, put you in this position. He has taken on the responsibility of your son, he is now the stepfather, which means when he married you he accepted the role of day to day father figure. You cannot just opt out of that because it is too hard. You cannot just walk into a boys life, turn it upside then ask him to leave because the boy is hard to manage.

You need to decide if you wish to a) try to find a way for your son and your DH to get on, look at what the problems might be (lack of respect for the father figure, resentment about him taking over what your son might have felt was his role in the family etc), this clearly cannot be just to 'diffuse' the rows any more, but might need to involve others such as counsellors/therapy or b) can leave your husband and be a single mother to 3 children.

I do not think c) remove your son from the family home - is an option. You cannot do it. If you place your son in care, because it is tough at home, you will not only lose your son, but you will damage his trust in people, in relationships with people he might love, forever. You will possibly destroy him.

FakePlasticTrees · 22/07/2010 08:13

If one of the men in your life need to leave their home, then it should be the one who can fend for himself, the adult who is unable to cope with a child behaving badly. Its setting a dangerous precident as well, if your younger two become difficult when they become teenagers, will he want them out too? If your DH has been your DS's step father for 9 years, then the relationship breakdown is your DH's fault - and to some extent yours. You shouldn't 'send away' your child because you two failed. Riven's suggestion of family counseling is a good one.

NotQuiteCockney · 22/07/2010 08:16

No wonder your DS is acting up, if he feels his (effective) father wants him out of the house ...

thatsnotmymonkey · 22/07/2010 08:16

Family Counselling for all of you. Engage with the Parent Support Advisor at school in the first instance to signpost you.

Your DH needs to grow up and accept he has to deal with his SS. If he can't, then he leaves, not your DS.

I hope this works out for you, and please please don't send your DS away.

BudaisintheZONE · 22/07/2010 08:18

Your son comes first. Husband is an adult. Your relationship with your son will never recover if you chuck him out. And it will send him even more off the rails. Would agree that counseling for all if you woul be good.

Also do you get much time one to one with your son? When did the bad behaviour start? What is his relationship like with your younger children?

You husband needs to try to be your sons friend. Your son sounds like he is pushing and pushing - poss for attention and poss for you to prove that you still love him.

mamaloco · 22/07/2010 08:24

There is a chance your H might be worried for the younger kids, no? At 4 and 6 they might pick up on your eldest behavior and you will have a lot of problems later on. You owe the young ones too and need to protect them.
Unless you think that the problem is your husband and then you should probably leave with all the kids.

If you are having trouble with the oldest you should probably involve a 3rd party, at least councelling, and probably SS (they can offer support they are not just there to take the children into care).

Your husband should also try to stop fighting and letting you deal with your son misbehavior (if you can deal with it yourself). Your son might resent his intervention because he is not really his dad (even if he actually raised him, ?).
Your son might be better in a young people foyer (does that even exist in the UK?) where teens have a bit of independence but are strightly looked after regarding schooling and activities/freinds they can meet.

good luck

valiumSingleton · 22/07/2010 08:28

Family counselling, but if your husband makes talk about making you choose, you have to choose your son, no matter how 'naughty' he is.

Quality · 22/07/2010 08:31

I agree with the counselling option.
Lots of fathers of teenage boys clash, but they are the 'real' fatehrs and don't have the option of insisting they leave, so they suck it up and deal with it.
Your husband became your sons' effective father when he married you and should act like a grownup and not a teenager going through puberty.

Shodan · 22/07/2010 08:48

I do sympathise.My DH isn't ds1's bio father. Ds1 is 14 and we have been together since ds1 was 7 and I often find myself acting as mediator between them when they have a flare-up.

In fact only this morning I awoke to an argument (at 06.45, if you please) about how ds1 was letting the water run and was wasteful with things (he is) but DH would never consider telling me ds1 has to go.

There are two reasons for this :a) DH considers himself to be ds1's father and takes full responsibilty for his part in the way ds1 behaves and b) DH knows that I would turf him out rather than ds1 if push came to shove.

Additionally, although DH can be a bit of an arse stubborn sometimes, he accepts that he is the adult and must find the 'right way' to deal with ds1, rather than giving up.

Your DH needs to stop being childish and realise that even bio dads of teenage sons have problems and don't just throw a hissy fit and demand that their son is evicted from his home. He needs to learn how to deal properly with your ds. Family counselling definitely a good idea.

Petal02 · 22/07/2010 09:09

You really can't put your 14 yr old into care, that's awful. But you should definitely consider some sort of family counselling, for everyone's sake.

prettyfly1 · 22/07/2010 10:16

Oh my goodness. I have to be entirely honest but if your ds knows his stepdad feels like that I am not entirely surprised he is acting out - he must feel utterly shoved out and unwanted. How dare your husband try to tell you to remove a fourteen year old child. He sounds utterly horrid. We are all step parents - we all find it very, very hard at times and some of us have even had to take breaks from our relationships or lots of councelling to cope but none of us expect our dps to leave their kids.

I truly suspect that if you stood up for your son and showed him loyalty his behaviour would improve considerably - how could you even bear to consider putting him in care. Shocking.

Rivens suggestion is a good one - take it.

Original poster
ItsHunkyDory · 22/07/2010 12:14

thankyou everyone for comments and yes dh fears for the effects on younger children and would let me take them over his dead body. son has had lots of counselling anger management courses support off school before they washed thier hands and dh refused point blank for family counselling. I am not going to abandon my son just dont know what to do .

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mummytime · 22/07/2010 12:23

Has your DS ever harmed your younger DC? Does he have a social worker?

Just how bad is he?

I would say what you all need is family counselling. At some point someone has to tell your DH what effect chucking your DS out would have on the younger ones, and it would not be all positive. They would internalise it and worry if the same was going to happen to them. If he says this is silly, well get him to think about it. Are they going to worry "if I'm too naughty I'll be chucked out" "I have to be good to be loved" and so on.

What does your DS say? Do you ever talk to him about how he feels, and what he thinks?

GetOrfMoiLand · 22/07/2010 12:32

This is a horrible situation, but you need to choose your son, and your son needs to know that. The reasons why he is acting badly at the moment may be a culmunation of the relationship breaking down over the years.

Your son is still a child, no matter how much a PITA he is being at the moment. Yoru DH is being very cruel making you choose. And if it has got to the point where you are seriously considering putting him in care - well, that is simply awful.

Please don't send him into care. It would be a terrible thing to do to him. I agree you need a LOT of family counselling, and now. Don't let this situation deteriorate any further.

Frankly, you need to stand up to your husband, say in no way are you kicking your son out, so you all really need to work together to fix it. If he doesn't accept that, then...well. He will need to go instead.

Original poster
ItsHunkyDory · 22/07/2010 12:35

dh shouts and swears and is generally a very angry person we really have exhausted every avenue cambhs etc he has emotional and social behavior problems they say.ds is nasty and aggressive to all of us except four year old dd and very jealous of ds2 age 6. we have give up on family hols and days out and our whole family life is generally a misery. he doesnt hit us as such but i dont let the little ones alone with him as he has grabbed them and pushed them in the past when they ve annoyed him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsHunkyDory · 22/07/2010 12:39

dh would never leave and when i say i will go with eldest i really dont think i could bear to leave younger two and screw their lives too. he would never let me take younger two and i will stand up to him but feel like im living on borrowed time as at the next flare up he will say get him out!

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booyhoo · 22/07/2010 12:42

you dont have to leave any of your children. you can leave the home with all 3 and share residency with your husband.

you are responsible for all 3 of your children. no man is worth putting one of them in care.

Original poster
ItsHunkyDory · 22/07/2010 12:44

i have never had any dealings with social services wouldnt know the first step i feel that every one has washed their hands of him except me and i stick up for ds when i feel dh is being too hard on him and i also back up dh when ds has been otally out of line.

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