Is it unreasonable for my husband to play cricket in a different county every weekend?

[Weekendwidow]

Hubby wants to join a different cricket team. One that is two hours away.
this means him commuting down to his parents every weekend of the cricket season next year (April-October) and leaving me with two kids age 3and 5.
he works full time in a demanding job where he goes out at 7am to go to the gym and home 6pm.
he also often works abroad for days at a time. I look after the kids but also work two full days a week.
he wants to travel down every Friday from work and come back Sundays.
he also wants me and the kids to go with him every other week.
this means us staying with his parents and my mum having to look after our two dogs every other weekend.
I don’t want to do. I’ve told him this and he’s become insistent, saying he misses his family and wants the kids to be involved and that he doesn’t think his parents have long in life left.
I understand and agree with this, it would be lovely for the kids to see more of their grandparents but I think every other weekend away whilst they are still at school is exhausting and excessive. We will go from three times a year to every other weekend.
their family dynamic is shocking and so much drama between them and his brothers I don’t really want to be involved in it every weekend. Every time we go I come away exhausted and unsettled.
I don’t want to be a nomad ever other weekend. I won’t be in my own space, unable to go where and when I like as I’ll be tied into family plans I don’t want to be apart of. His parents are exhausting and very set in their ways. Very house proud and I’ll be on edge with the kids all weekend. They refuse to go to the cricket as they had a fall out so I’ll be stuck between the drama.
I just don’t want to go. I’ll be exhausted and so will the kids.
am I being unreasonable? I feel like I’ll be giving up my life for bloody cricket as when I’m at a weekend in my own at our house I’ll be solo parenting every weekend too.
mum so unhappy with this.

Yeah I would not be entertaining this either. I would be putting my foot down about him doing it by himself, never mind dragging you all 2 hours away every weekend. My PILs live 2 hours away and we see them every 6-8 weeks ish, and take turns on who travels, absolutely no way I would be doing that journey every other weekend, even if all the additional cricket drama and falling out situation didn't exist!

Plus, as your kids get older they will want to do things at home on those weekends. Birthday parties etc. When do you get a chance to see your friends/family? When are you supposed to prepare for the week ahead when you've spent all weekend every other weekend away from home? I can deal with a weekend away every so often, but a lot of our weekend is taken up with life admin like food shopping, laundry, dog walks. I couldn't be away as a family every other weekend.

There is just so much about this that is impractical and unreasonable. You should absolutely not go along with this.

I actually laughed at your post when I read he wanted to be away every Friday evening to Sunday. On what planet does he think his suggestion is reasonable.

He wants every weekend for himself and you can tag along every other. No way, never, not a bloody chance!

You don't have 2 children - you have 3.
These are astonishing levels of selfishness, thoughtlessness and immaturity.
Imagine a 'reverse' situation where you were the one taking that amount of time for yourself, being so absent, making such demands.
He doesn't sound like a great husband/good Dad etc to me.I
I have no simple answers but - if his mother was also (detrimentally) impacted by a similar situation, could you talk to her? Explain, as you have here, exactly how this is affecting you and your family. She may be equally unhappy to see history repeating itself, and maybe, just maybe, could help you. (To a certain extent it sounds like 'learned behaviour' from how he saw his father/family behaving - and he needs to realise how dysfunctional it is).
You need help to sort this out (if you want to stay together) as it is probably doing you a lot more harm (mental health wise) than you realise. Some 'couple counselling' would seem the next step to me.
Good Luck. You are not powerless.

There must be more family focussed clubs nearer to where you live. He needs to consider another of the local clubs in his current league. I love cricket and take 18 year old every Saturday and a lot of Sundays during April-September and I score the Saturday matches, but they do go on a long time sometimes 7 hours so I can see why taking young DC would be difficult. Lots of DC start playing cricket for fun from 4-5, with coaching from 6 years and the Under 9's have competitive matches. I'd encourage your DC to try playing cricket. It is a lovely sport when DC gets a bit older where you can take a picnic and relax.

You seem very reasonable, as you suggested if the reason was to see his family more visiting more regularly (but not for a whole weekend) is fair and would address that. His proposal is ludicrous and I also agree with you that his memory of family all being a part of the cricket club is from a child's point of view and it wouldn't be the same- it's a huge commitment and expectation to be led by nostalgia. Playing for the local team cuts into weekends enough but is fair i think.

I’ve told him this and he’s become insistent, saying he misses his family and wants the kids to be involved and that he doesn’t think his parents have long in life left

He wants to spend time with his kids and family - great, he can take them to his parents for the odd weekend and spend quality time with them all and skip the cricket.

He doesn't to spend time "with his family" he wants you to manage all that away from home whilst he continues his hobby unhampered by his actual wife, children or parents or even dogs.

I love him dearly, he’s a great dad and he’s a lovely husband and he’s supported me through some shocking times, I had massive health problems after our second was born and nearly died, so I get the take life by the horns but I feel like it’s too much

You nearly died giving birth to his child - I would jolly well think he did support you recovering from the consequences. Why do we want to award medals and "great dad" badges to men who do the basics in their own families? Any half decent human would support a partner in this situation.

No way would I be uprooting the family every weekend to be a cricket widow with his family, or expecting my family to house/dog sit as well. Its entirely unreasonable. I would visit his family with DC if he were fully present and participating and then not every fortnight given the disruption it would involve.

No bloody way

He's making it look like it's a family thing by dragging you all along and he's emotionally manipulating you with the spending time with grandparents. That could be increased a bit without the cricket club but he doesn't seem to have wanted to do that so far?

My DH loves cricket and I'd love for him to be comfortable to join a local club and travel once in a while but all weekend, every weekend and two hours away from your family home! No way!

As an objective bystander, your DH is not wonderful. He leaves at 7am and is back at 6pm, away for work at times and now wants to be away from his family every other weekend too for a hobby - he does not value time with you or your kids.

No way! Part of being a parent is making sacrifices sometimes and cricket is something he's going to have to sacrifice for the sake of his family.

"he’s a great dad and he’s a lovely husband"

I'd strongly disagree...

He's out of the house for most of the day, he works away, now he wants to be away most weekends. When is he actually being a great dad? He must hardly ever see his kids.

Likewise, husband. This is not the behaviour of a lovely husband! This is someone who is putting himself first in every aspect and making you feel guilty for not going along with it.

When do you get to have a say in your own life?

He's wanting the single man lifestyle when he has a wife and 2 children, and yes I agree he is seeing this cricket club through a child's eyes.

Firstly - when will he train with this new / old club ? At our local team you can't expect to play unless you train midweek
secondly - all children's training is mid week too
third - this is really insulting to his parents, joining a club that they've fallen out with so dramatically (whatever the reason, whoever to blame).
fourthly - when do you get any time to yourself ?

I understand about some men and their sporting compulsion (golf widow here), but this is simply not acceptable - even my DP didn't go this far and he was definitely obsessed. I'd be looking to ramp up my working hours so I'm financially more independent.

A simple no from me - do not negotiate until he starts putting concessions on the table, eg more local club, only playing every other week, only playing one day per week. Work out your absolute lines in the sand and start from there. This man is a taker, he's not a good husband or father if this is his style of operating - bet he's got it in mind you'll be organising the teas just like his Mum did. He's never there for the graft required of a parent.

How is he a great dad? I can't see how he ever spends any time with his children?

He wants to see them every other weekend. Fine, separate then he can have that and at least he can pay you maintenance 🙄

Just one word to describe your dh - SELFISH

He wants to play cricket so everyone has to accept him being away every weekend.
He wants to play cricket so he is expecting the whole family to be cricket orientated, regardless of whether you enjoy it or not.
He wants the dcs to play cricket too so everyone has to go to his old family club, 2 hours away.
He wants to play at the club his parents had a massive falling out so they have to suck it up.

And in the top of it, he is using guilt to try and convince you to do so.

Thats not the actions of a good husband or a good father.

I agree there.

Which then makes me think that, not only is he selfish, but he can’t even make the effort to find something more suitable to his family. Instead he is taking the easy option - club he knows and mum and dad to house and feed me.

He's being ridiculous.

This isn't a marriage - you are facilitating his lifestyle - his work. his hobby, his image of 'family man'.

Of course he supported you when you nearly died, that's just basic adulting.

What are your needs? Are you getting your needs met?

I wouldn't want to throw my lot in with him for much longer. Think long term.
To financial independence - then you get some power back.

It’s a unanimous no, then!
The only thing I will add to the excellent advice you’ve had already, is how does he think the children will be involved? If he is spending all his time playing his games, how will the children get to play separately if he’s not facilitating it? Presumably that will be down to you as well. What fun.

Taking out the cricket part, do his parents want house guests every other week, if that bits ok why can't you bring the dog? Isn't there weeknight training, most even mid level teams do?

I get the cricket club element, people get very attached to their childhood club, professionals go back and play even. But the impact on you all is huge.

As for him wanting to "pass the torch" to your boys, I'd tell him to stick that torch right up his jacksy. And I love cricket!

We’re a cricketing family. My husband and four boys all play multiple games a week and two of my teens play county academy cricket. I score and help organise a couple of the younger teams.

There is absolutely no fucking way I would tolerate what your husband’s suggesting. Not a hope in hell. And neither would anyone in my club. I’m positive he could find a local club that more family oriented. Just look for one that does All Stars.

He sounds like he’s trying to recreate some kind of idyllic childhood dream and in doing so is completely unable to see that his kids are not him, and that they don’t want the same things he wanted.

I’d just give him a hard no. And if he still wants to go off every second week for a lovely jolly to his parents’ house then I’d have to rethink the marriage I’m afraid.

DH without asking gave up playing for his cricket team when we had DS as it is a full days commitment each time plus practice. Your DH is unreasonable to want to do this with the travel especially. We both put hobbies on hold.

Plus your children may not want a torch passed on. DS was very good at cricket but apart from being in the school team in primary school gave it up and we ended up devoting Saturday mornings to watching him play football, he is still in a team as an adult.

My mate is getting divorced currently, he had an affair. Her DH was in to cycling and still went out every week and usually twice. He didn’t let having children interfere with his life at all. He was a selfish prick and then topped it off by being unfaithful and was off as soon as the kids hit teen years.

Your husband is quite frankly crap.

I think you need to state it clearly the effect it has on his parents and the fact you are not going to do it

then he has a choice because you are happy to see his family more but he has to sacrifice cricket so it is on him. You will not be putting everyone out so he doesn’t have to choose he needs to

There will be a lot more family friendly clubs a lot closer than 2 hours away. Within a 5 mile radius of where I'm sitting I can think of at least 8 local clubs, some have a family focus, some don't, change the club yes, but not to a point where he's so far away, that is ridiculously selfish. (I thought initially this was about a pro player moving counties to play) but for a family club, suggest he finds somewhere closer if he still wants to play