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Original poster

Dance class

73 replies

Luciam06 · 15/05/2024 12:50

Hi, I’m after a bit of advice please. My daughter is 10 and has been attending a dance class since she was 3. Years ago I used to really like the dance class and the teacher but over the years I found that unless your part of the click the dance teacher will say hi to you when you drop your child off but won’t have a conversation with you.
my daughter is always at the back of dance routines or the edge of the dances.
we have a comp coming up in June and she’s the only one in her dance class that havent got a duet or trio where all the other girls have a few each. We have even asked the dance teacher months ago can my daughter have more solos and she says yes but never does them.
when I’m waiting in the cafe area for my younger daughter to come out before my older daughter goes in none of the parents talk to me and I sit there all on my own. Now I’ve never done anything wrong, or said anything bad, I’m not a scruffy mum, or a posh mum I’m exactly like the rest of them. The only difference is I’m a bit quiet and I don’t talk about people like they do. They all just come back from a weekend away which we didn’t go to and my daughter found out and asked why we didn’t go is it coz no one likes us and started crying.
I pay this dance school anything from 1300-2000 a year in fees, costumes and extra classes and I’ve just had enough. I really want to take my daughter out but she really enjoys going and gets really upset when I say you have to finish
What do you think I should do

OP posts:

NoTicket · 15/05/2024 18:50

It sounds like there are two issues here - one is with the dance school where you don't feel like your daughter is being given the same opportunities as others and the other is that you don't feel like you fit with the other parents?

It sounds like your daughter is getting solos? Have you asked why she isn't in a duo or trio? Is it because they haven't got a partner or trio for her with the right chemistry? As for positioning in troupes - is she taller than the rest? A lot of this is about the aesthetics of the dance as much as anything not a personal slight.

As for the other issue - maybe you could try talking to the other parents and see where it takes you? If you're not speaking to them maybe it gives off vibes that you don't want to be spoken to?

NoTicket · 15/05/2024 18:51

As for the other issue - maybe you could try talking to the other parents and see where it takes you? If you're not speaking to them maybe it gives off vibes that you don't want to be spoken to?

Original poster

Luciam06 · 16/05/2024 06:23

What they do is put all the older/ best dancers in the front or side and all the little ones/ newbie’s st the back.
with solos yes she does have a few but with duets and trios these other girls have a few each. Why can’t the dance teacher spread them out between the girls so no one is left out.
with the parent thing yes I’ve tried many times to talk to them but I think they are all such a click and very loud and outgoing I just don’t fit in. I sit there on times and try and talk to them but none of them answer and it all goes quiet.
it really upsets me as I think I’m one of the longest mums in there and I don’t want to be treated better but at least include us in things.
so many people have left in the last year due to the same reason I’m thinking am I the only blind one who can see what’s happening but I’m hanging on
I’m just so upset that I can see what’s happening but my daughter just don’t want to leave yet this is keeping me awake at night worrying

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 18/05/2024 16:52

I think 10 is old enough to chat to your dd about the sort of group it is and let her choose whether to keep going.

I'd try to skim over the weekend away - just say it wasn't a "dance club" weekend away, it was a private thing. Maybe remind her of stuff she's done with her friends that the dance kids weren't at.

In terms of equal access to performing, just keep politely raising it, but be honest with your dd that some groups aren't fair. My dd knows that the teacher's kids at her drama group will always get the lead, that it isn't fair but we can't do anything about it and that she can decide to join it or not, knowing there will be unfairness in the club. It helps for her to know it is because of unfairness and not because she's worse or unlikable.

daisypond · 18/05/2024 16:59

There are two issues.

One is the performances. I would expect the dance teacher to pick the best or most appropriate dancers for any solos if it’s for a competition. As long as she appears on stage in at least one dance.

Second issue is your relationship with the other dance mums. Ignore it. The dancing is your daughter’s hobby, not yours.

Scottsy200 · 18/05/2024 17:04

Find another dance class for your daughter, doesn’t sound like their mentality will change unfortunately

Kths · 18/05/2024 17:10

Move her to a different dance school

I wouldn’t give a school the business and lots of money where my child was being left out

plenty of schools around

beanii · 18/05/2024 17:18

If you want to be a part of the 'clique' then you usually have to put yourself out there to get involved.

I'm an introverted empath so I couldn't think of anything worse to be honest 🤣

FacingTheWall · 18/05/2024 17:29

Change dance schools, and tell the teacher why. You’ve given her plenty of opportunities to fix things with regard the group dances and she hasn’t. So if that’s important to you look for somewhere else. We went to a dance school which didn’t do competitions, they’re not necessary.

However the dance mum thing is trickier. Unless you insert yourself in conversations they’ll leave you alone. When I was part of a ‘group’ like that it really wasn’t that we were being cliquey, it was just that we left alone people who looked like they wanted to be alone! If some came to sit with us we happily included them.

LinaLouLa · 18/05/2024 17:38

They all sound horrid, including the teacher. I'd pull her out and find a new school that won't be so click.

Noseybookworm · 18/05/2024 18:31

This happens in most dance schools in my experience, there are always the 'favourites' who get the lead parts in everything and the others who are background. Mums can be cliquey but it might just be that they're friends and their daughters are friends and they see each other outside of the dance classes. Just be friendly and make small talk, you don't have to sit on your own being quiet. Is there another little girl your daughter particularly gets along with? You could start by chatting with her mum and maybe work up to inviting her for a coffee or a meet up with the girls?

Meadowtrees · 18/05/2024 20:10

You feeling left out is a separate issue - there is no reason why the mums of kids in groups have to be friends. You don’t have to be pals with them if you don’t want and they don’t have to be friends with you, it sounds like they are friends outside of dance - they have a pre-existing friendship. As long as they aren’t actively unpleasant that is fine. If I go to somewhere I would chat to the people I know, that’s just normal. Just don’t bother with them, they don’t sound like your sort of people anyway! Take a book or have a snooze in the car, that’s what I used to do.
dance groups don’t tend to Divide things up equally because some of them are better / more consistent/ go to more lessons / can remember the moves more than others so they get the bigger parts, just like not everyone gets a main part in the school play.

Lillsmills · 18/05/2024 20:39

I could have written this, my DD is a similar age, has been going to her dance school since she was 2. She's really good, often wins awards, loves dancing but it's horribly clicky. The girls just don't let her in, she's given up trying. She's really lonely and anxious, hates going to rehearsals but loves dancing. There are no other girls on their own, it's just my DD when there are events on, she sits with the family rather than gets involved with the girls because they just turn their backs on her. She hates rehearsals because no one talks to her. The problem I think is that the other girls spend several days a week at the dance school, my DD does other activities and wants to keep them going. The parents have the same behaviours, to the point they are downright rude. The teachers aren't interested. I've asked DD if she wants to change schools, she said no so she's now just doing lessons which means no need for rehearsals. As she's enjoying it, I'm keeping going with the school but no more shows or exams.

Julimia · 18/05/2024 20:42

Oh dear. How do I say this? You need to deal with your persecution complex before your children inherit same.
Also would it be too difficult to find another dance class and start agsin?

Hazyjaneishere · 18/05/2024 21:09

Personally I think your daughter is old enough to decide if she’s happy in that dance school or not. Whether the other mums like you or if you’ve made any dance school pals is irrelevant really.

try not to teach her to be bothered about fitting in. It’s honestly not the be all and end all to have other people accept/ like you and there will be plenty of situations in life where it’s like this for her and she just has to learn it’s not a reflect of her worth.

Original poster

Luciam06 · 18/05/2024 21:55

thank you all for your comments. Regarding dance my daughter has been going since she was 3 and the only ones that have stayed started around a year or 2 after her. One girl does every class going which is about 5/6 a week and the other girl has an older sister which is a very good dancer and they both attend every class. My daughter goes 3/4 times a week. The other children who started roughly around the same time has left. I think it’s the more money you spend the more your liked. Some girls who left have gone to another dance school, some have done another sport. My daughter is a very good dancer but lacks confidence really bad as she can see the other girls have lots of dances and she’s wondering why she don’t have them. There seems to be alot of competition between the girls in the dance school to see who can have the most dances/ medals. I’ve also noticed that all the new parents from the last few years are more thought of and the older mums are forgotten about.
The parent thing I have tried several times to talk to them but I really couldn’t tell you why they won’t talk to me. When I listen to them they all brag up their kids and what dances they doing etc. they all buy really expensive costumes to show off where I’m quite happy spending under £300. They only wear it for 2 minutes.
I really wish I was strong enough to tell them how I feel but I absolutely hate conflict. I’m not a young parent and I really really wish things could be different in the dance school as i don’t want to take my daughter out. My husband goes mental about it all but deep down he can see our daughter enjoys it there. It’s so hard

OP posts:

Original poster

Luciam06 · 18/05/2024 22:09

My daughter tried another class today and really enjoyed. It was a totally different dance and was so happy leaving she said she can’t wait to go back. Then an hour later she said can I go to dance now meaning her old one. Don’t think she knows what she wants. I haven’t said anything about how I feel in front of my daughter

OP posts:

theholesinmyapologies · 18/05/2024 22:48

Maybe have her try a Cheer club that has dance teams attached. She might enjoy the Cheer which incorporates a bit of everything!

Delphiniumandlupins · 18/05/2024 22:58

I would definitely look for other dance schools/classes for your daughter to try out. Do you know where some of the others have gone who used to go to this school? I hope you can find somewhere less cliquey.

LT1982 · 18/05/2024 23:07

Your reference to "not a scruffy mum" sounds quite judgey. Maybe the other mums feel that you look down on them/think you're better than them/your as that's how your post is coming across to me tbh

DrJonesIpresume · 18/05/2024 23:10

What dance style is it? Some schools are very competition-focused, too much so in my opinion. And as you've found, not only are costumes very expensive, it can be very cliquey among the parents, and the teachers show blatant favouritism towards some kids and not others.

bevm72yellow · 19/05/2024 00:03

It sounds like the classes are focused on competition amongst the children so being a social experience is not prioritized. The teacher needs to show off the best of the best. Being anxious about what other people may or may not think of you is a barrier to confidence....in other words she should dance like there is no one there. You should sit there knowing that you are important in your own right and you do not have to be or need to be anybody's friend....this should rub off on your daughter. You can make friends in other social circles but do complain if you are left outside the loop of group information for the dancing.

NCTDN · 19/05/2024 03:19

Can I ask where in the country you are ?

ElvinBoys · 19/05/2024 05:57

I think this is where we have to remember that we are the parents. We can see the exclusion and know what’s best for them even if they can’t. Find another dance school, move on, your daughter will soon settle and will understand why when she’s older.

Original poster

Luciam06 · 19/05/2024 07:02

LT1982 · 18/05/2024 23:07

Your reference to "not a scruffy mum" sounds quite judgey. Maybe the other mums feel that you look down on them/think you're better than them/your as that's how your post is coming across to me tbh

I don’t mean on any nasty way but I’ve heard it, people are like I’m not talking to her she’s rough and scruffy or look at her she’s so posh

OP posts:

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