Ask the expert: Bonding, big feelings and your baby’s early development - £100 voucher to be won

[LibbyMumsnet]

The first few years of your child’s life lay the foundations for their future confidence and wellbeing. From those early cuddles and cries to starting in childcare, these years can bring lots of questions about crying, clinginess, separation and big emotions.

We’ve invited Dr Matt Price, Clinical Psychologist and Director of Research and Grants at the 1001 Critical Days Foundation, to answer your questions about bonding with your baby, understanding their emotional needs, and helping babies and toddlers feel safe and secure as they grow.

You might want to ask:

• Why is my baby crying so much - and how can I tell what they need?
• Am I spoiling my baby if I hold them too much?
• How can I help my child feel confident starting in childcare?
• How can childcare support my child’s social and emotional development?

Matt will be posting answers throughout March. Share your question by 31st March for your chance to win a £100 VEX voucher (T&Cs apply).

About Matt:
Dr Matt Price is an experienced clinical psychologist who has worked across NHS services, local authorities and children’s charities to improve support for babies and their families. He previously led a specialist NHS parent-infant relationship service and was Head of Start for Life Mental Health and Clinical Advisor to the Department of Health and Social Care, helping strengthen national support for families in the earliest years.
Now Director of Research and Grants at the 1001 Critical Days Foundation, Matt is passionate about early intervention and the power of secure, loving relationships to shape a baby’s lifelong emotional wellbeing.

Alongside Matt’s answers, you may also find the Best Start in Life hub helpful for clear, NHS-approved guidance on bonding with your baby, supporting your child’s development, and navigating childcare and early learning.

@Twinkletots1
Thank you for your question – as the father of a summer-born child as well as a clinical psychologist, it’s something I’ve considered carefully too…

At age four, a September-born child is around 25% older than an August-born child. That can make a big developmental difference to little children! It can be helpful to hold in mind that teachers expect these developmental differences and are trained to support them. They are aware of developmental stages as well as actual ages. Sharing your concerns with your child’s new teacher will likely offer you much reassurance, and will remind your teacher that your twins may be in need of a little more comfort when they first join.

It can also be helpful to consider that your twins will find confidence and comfort in each other – they have an attachment to each other. This can help them as they get started in school because their attachment to each other will help them to build their confidence in school.

In the meantime, you may find some helpful tips on the Best Start in Life website and there are lots of great books about starting school that can help you prepare your child for what life at school is like.

@chickenpotnoodle
It can feel like a real juggle to manage the different emotional responses of siblings to starting school. You can end up feeling pulled in different directions. Starting school is a big transition for the whole family.

Supporting your eldest
If they do feel jealous, try not to deny their feelings. You can do this while also helping to build their expectations about school. You might say:
“I understand that you wish you could stay at home with me too. We have so much fun together! I wonder what fun things you’ll do at school? I used to like painting at school – do you think there’ll be painting at your school?”.
When your little one gets back from school, it can be helpful to share that you have been thinking of them. You could say:
“I was thinking about you while you were at school today. I imagined how you might be playing with friends or eating your lunch in the hall.”

This will help your little one see that you remember and love them even when you’re not together.

Supporting your youngest
If they do miss their sibling, you could involve them in doing something nice for pick up: “I hear that you really miss Callie while she’s at school. I’ve been thinking about her too. Maybe we could draw her a picture to give her at pick-up?”

Helping them to reconnect
Lastly, both your children may benefit from some together time when you get back home after the school run. Perhaps you could cuddle together and read a story? Or ask for their ideas about what they might like to do together? This is easier said than done after a busy day but even just 10 minutes of quality time will create a sense of re-connection that may help them both.

@JacCharlton
It can really pull at your heart when your baby cries the moment you leave the room. It can be exhausting. Many parents worry that this means that their baby has not developed a strong and trusting attachment to them. However, crying at separation is a sign of a healthy secure attachment relationship.

Nurseries are experts at helping babies to settle in and get to used to separation from their parents or carers.

When you find a nursery, ask them about:

• how they support babies with the transition to care away from home. For example, do they offer shorter settling-in sessions?
• who will be your baby’s main carer in the setting? It is helpful if the same nursery practitioner can look after your baby, as much as possible, so that they start to become a familiar and trusted person in your absence.

A good nursery will guide the settling process with you and pay attention to what your baby is communicating.

This transition can feel hard for parents as well as for babies – try to remember that nursery is a safe place and share how you’re feeling with friends and family too.

@P3ngu1n3
Thank you for your question; Mums are so often told by society what they ‘should’ do that many feel guilty for working, and I can imagine how much you’re juggling between work and looking after your child. The fact that you’re considering this shows how much you care – something that will be clear to your little one as she grows.

We used to think that babies need one primary caregiver. However, the latest research tells us that they actually benefit from multiple secure attachment relationships. As long as the quality of care from your grandparents, husband, and pre-school is ‘good enough’ (it doesn’t need to be perfect!) then your baby will thrive with so many loving adults to care for them.

In fact, there is evidence that childcare settings benefit children in many ways - you may find some reassurance in reading more about how: https://beststartinlife.gov.uk/childcare-early-years-education/why-childcare-matters/

If (or when!) the guilt creeps in, try reframing it in your mind. You may say to yourself “My baby is surrounded by people who love her, and I’m modelling what it looks like to balance work and home.” Many mums find it hard to be kind to themselves so you might want to consider how you’d support another mum with the same worry.

@Kweenxo
This question makes perfect sense and thanks for asking it. It can be in those moments of caring for a crying baby that we might wish they came with a manual!

Firstly, try not to dismiss your worries as a mother – your instincts matter when it comes to your baby. If you have tried all the usual strategies to help calm and comfort your baby (e.g. changing their nappy, checking their temperature, feeding them) and you are concerned then contact your health visitor, GP, or call 111.

Over time, you’ll get to know your baby and what is typical for them. For example, many babies find the evening time quite unsettling and are more likely to cry then.

Soothing a crying baby can be one of the most stressful things of being a parent to a baby. A parent’s brain is literally wired to find it distressing so that we try and comfort them because that comfort is vital to their survival.

For more support in caring for a crying baby, you can check out Cry-sis or call their helpline on 0800 448 0737 (lines between 9am and 10pm daily).

You may also find some helpful tips about understanding your baby and their way of communicating on the Best Start in Life website, here: https://www.nhs.uk/best-start-in-life/baby/baby-basics/bonding-with-your-baby/understanding-your-baby/

@saffysabir
You’re definitely not alone in wondering about this. If I had the recipe for a perfect night’s sleep for all parents, I would be a very rich psychologist. But the reality is: there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to sleep.

It is definitely the case that some – or even many! – babies and young children like to fall asleep alongside the comfort of their parent or carer. As you rightly say, there’s something about nighttime where we can feel particularly unsafe.

From an evolutionary perspective (back in the days of hunters and gatherers), nighttime was particularly risky. Staying close to others when we sleep helped us to stay safe, so it makes sense that babies and young children have evolved to want to be close to others when we sleep.

From your description it sounds as though your brother grew confidence to eventually sleep alone and this is usually the case. It doesn’t necessarily make the nights feel any easier for parents going through this, but recognising that this is normal and will eventually pass can help.

Some parents find it grounding to imagine their child all grown up and leaving home – if they could time‑travel back, they’d savour these cuddly nights rather than worry about them.

@salemaxo
It is understandable to worry about a young child’s social interactions, particularly if they are being homeschooled and you are doing all the organising yourself.

Education isn’t just about learning to read and write (what psychologists call cognitive development). It is also about social development (learning to interact and build relationships with others) and emotional development (learning to understand your own emotional world and that of others).

Adults play an important role in shaping all three, but there are specific ways in which spending time with other children of a similar age helps to nurture social and emotional development.

Social events don’t have to be in an educational or childcare setting, formal play dates or big events like birthday parties. Playing with others at a park, or visiting relatives of a similar age, will all provide a helpful opportunity for young children to practice skills like sharing and turn-taking that nurture their social and emotional development.

If you’d like to find out more about social and emotional development in early childhood, the Shaping Us Framework from The Royal Foundation Centre for Early Childhood is a great place to go.

@prettypeace
It is completely normal to worry about the care babies and young children receive outside the home.

We know that babies and young children thrive when they receive warm, consistent, and loving care. High-quality care and early years education for babies and young children is an important part of a healthy and happy society. The passionate and hardworking people who work there may describe feeling a “professional love” for the babies and young children in their care.

If parents or carers are unhappy with the quality of care their little one receives in their early years education or care setting there is guidance about steps they can take here.

@Laurabeee
This is such a special question and the fact that you are asking it makes me think that you deeply care and are probably doing enough! Remember that babies do not need us to be perfect parents – they learn from our mistakes and efforts to repair.

There are some clues that you might like to look out for though:

• When your baby or toddler is upset, do they usually look to you for comfort? For example, if they fall over in the park.
• Are they readily comforted by you (most of the time) when they do feel sad?
• If you’ve been away from them for a while (e.g. at work) are they pleased to see you when your return?
• Do they make eye contact with you?
• Do they try to show you things that are important to them (like a stick they’ve just found that is their latest treasure!)?
• Do they care for dolls or teddys in a gentle way? (They are caring for others in the kind way they have been cared for).

Babies and young children can’t make grand gestures to show you their love, and that they feel loved in return, but the signs of their love will be there in the magic of everyday moments.

You can find more tips about understanding your babies cues on the Best Start in Life website, here: https://www.nhs.uk/best-start-in-life/baby/baby-basics/bonding-with-your-baby/understanding-your-baby/

Thanks so much to @DrMattPrice for taking the time to answer some of the questions so far. He’ll be back over the next couple of weeks to answer more, so please do keep them coming!

@Dizzywizz

This is such a common question – balancing your own need for rest or time away with what your baby may need can feel like the ultimate parenting juggle.

Perhaps unhelpfully, there really isn’t a hard and fast rule about “the right age”; it will completely depend on you and your baby. For example, if your baby wakes often through the night and can find it difficult to settle, then leaving your baby overnight with a sitter may be tricky and may leave you worried about how your baby (and the sitter!) are getting on.

It may help if you can find a babysitter that gets to know your baby in the daytime first, before an overnight. Building their relationship in the daytime may help your baby to feel soothed and comforted at night.

@LadyLapsang

This is a great question, and one that I know many parents will be grappling with. We know that early relationships between babies and grown ups are so important in shaping development. Too much screen time can easily get in the way of building these relationships.

There is very little research comparing screen time for babies and young children across countries. However, here are my four favourite tips on balancing screen time and family time:

1. Choose activities that involve interactions and family connection - they can support learning and family bonding. For example, video calls with relatives or, looking through family photos and videos together, and reading e-books.

2. Choose your content wisely - young children need time to process information, so choose content that is slower-paced. Content should focus on faces, have limited movement, simple backgrounds and use repetition.

3. - Carefully consider use of your own devices in front of babies and young children -. Babies and young children will be learning from the things you do. Consider adopting screen-free periods of the day for all family members, such as mealtimes and for an hour before children go to bed.

4.- Limit total screen time for babies and young children,, wherever possible. It’s not recommended for under 2s to use screens on their own and for children aged 2-5 years, try to keep it to 1 hour a day. Less if possible.

Some parents may worry that babies and young children need screen time for their development. Please remember that to your child, you are the best toy!

The government are launching new guidance on screen time which will be available on the Best Start in Life website from April 2026.

I’m going back to work soon and my 8‑month‑old gets really upset when I leave the room. What can I do to help them with separation and make the transition into childcare easier for both of us?

My 14-month-old seems very clingy and gets upset when I leave the room, even for short periods. How can I help them feel more secure and confident while still encouraging independence?

Why do some babies cluster feed and others don't? And how do you know when you're holding your baby too much?

@JacCharlton

Your toddler is very fortunate to have you giving such careful thought to supporting them through this transition. As you have already recognised, a new sibling can bring up a mix of feelings for any toddler: excitement, curiosity, anxiety, jealousy, and anger are all completely normal.

My main suggestions are:

1... Talk about the arrival of their little brother or sister lots while you are pregnant.
There are some lovely books for toddlers that can help your little one to think about the arrival of their sibling. Reading these sorts of stories together will help your little one get used to the idea of their new sibling. It will make the idea feel more concrete and will give them a chance to ask you any questions they may have, and we all know that toddlers can be expert question-askers! Imagining all the fun things they might do with their little brother or sister can help them to feel excited, included and valued. For example you might say “I wonder if your little brother will like to play on the swings as much as you do?”.

2... Accept all your little one’s feelings about the arrival of their sibling.
It’s natural for toddlers to have mixed emotions. It can be easy for us to accidentally deny the difficult feelings that our children might have. For example, if your little one says “I don’t want a baby brother” we can want to rush in with “Oh, I’m sure you don’t mean that!”. This is an understandable response but might tell your child that you don’t believe them or may leave them feeling unheard. They may try and find bigger ways of showing you how they feel! Instead, try gently reflecting back what they might be feeling: “Sometimes it feels like you’d rather it was just the two of us.” This will help your child feel understood and accepted.

@Huskysf

I can imagine the pressure this puts on you and your partner. You end up taking on the lion’s share of parenting, which can leave you feeling exhausted and perhaps resentful. Your partner’s attempts to help are being rejected, which can leave him feeling unhelpful and perhaps unwanted.

The first thing to say is that having a preferred parent is normal for babies and toddlers. Particularly for mums who have been on maternity leave and doing most of the caring. This doesn’t mean that your baby doesn’t love or need you both.

I’m afraid there aren’t any quick fixes but there are some gentle ways to begin gradually helping you both:

Divide the earlier aspects of bedtime – perhaps your partner could take the lead on earlier, lower-pressure parts of bedtime like bathtime and reading stories? This helps your baby get used to them as part of the wind-down.

Do bedtime together for a while – perhaps you and your partner could do the bedtime routine as a team? You could begin to leave the room just for a moment (e.g. “I’m going to the bathroom, I’ll be back in one minute”) then return after one minute. You can build this up so that your baby gets used to the idea that you can leave and return, while your partner stays as a steady source of comfort.

Build connections during the day – try to make sure that your partner has some good quality play time with your baby in the daytime. Your baby’s preference for you may be stronger at nighttime when they are tired and more likely to be looking for comfort. The more your partner can build their relationship with your baby through play when they aren’t tired, the more likely your baby’s preference will balance.

Hold steady when it’s hard – you may feel a strong urge to step in quickly if your baby is upset with your partner. That’s completely understandable but if your partner is responding with warmth and comfort, your baby will learn over time that they are a safe and reliable source of care too.

@Britanniahouse

Thank you for your question, it can feel really hard to see your baby upset when you leave, especially with such a big transition ahead. The first thing to know is that it is completely normal for your baby to get upset when you leave at this age. In fact, it can be a sign of something positive.

There are a couple of things happening here. First, your baby knows that they can trust and rely on you for safety and comfort. When you leave the room, they will cry to let you know that they miss you and are worried without you. Crying is their way of saying “please stay close”.

Second, your baby is just beginning to develop their understanding that people still exist even when they can’t be seen – something often called “object permanence”. At this stage, when you leave the room, your baby doesn’t yet fully understand that you will come back.

There are some things you can do to support your baby and their development. Simple games like “peekaboo” can help your baby to learn that things and people still exist when out of sight.

It can also be tempting to try and ‘sneak away’ and leave the room without your baby noticing. It is an understandable natural instinct to want to avoid upsetting them. Often though, it can make things harder as your baby may become more upset when they realise you have gone or they may try and keep you even closer to prevent you from leaving suddenly. Instead, it helps to let them know you’re leaving and reassure them that you’ll be back. It won’t stop the tears straight away, but over time it helps build trust in your return.

As you think about childcare, it may reassure you to remember that babies are very capable of forming new, secure relationships. Experienced care professionals will respond warmly and consistently, helping your baby to feel safe. While your baby may be upset when you leave, they can learn to be comforted by their key worker and then go on to play and explore.

This stage of development can take patience and it’s not always easy for your baby or you. But with time and consistency, your baby will understand that you will return and grow confident that they can be comforted by others while you’re not there.

If a foster child has had quite a traumatic first year,will this have had a definite imprint on them. And what if anything should we look to do extra because of this. Or evej look out for that.might suggest behaviour is different than just the norm for little one's?

@Britanniahouse
Thanks for this question – it can feel confusing (and maybe a little overwhelming) to know where to start with all the equipment you might need when caring for a baby. Carrying your baby is a wonderful way to stay connected, both emotionally and physically. They will hear your reassuring heartbeat and feel comforted by your gentle motion as you move around. Being hands free is a handy side effect too (if you’ll excuse the pun).

You’re absolutely right that when a baby is facing you in a pushchair, it’s easier to make eye contact and pick up on their cues. So for that reason, I usually suggest the pushchair is parent facing. But that doesn’t mean a forward-facing pushchair can't work if that is what is available.

When your baby is facing forward, you can still stay connected by talking to them about what they can see. For example, “Can you see that big red bus?” or “Look at that spotty dog!”.

This helps your baby feel that you’re still right there with them, sharing their experiences and helping them make sense of the wonderful world around them.

What matters most is the overall pattern of warm, responsive interaction you’re giving your baby – and it sounds like you’re very attuned to that.

@alshareif

I’m really glad you’ve asked these questions.

Many mums will have thought about this question while navigating cluster feeds. The truth is, when it comes to cluster feeding, there’s a wide range of what’s normal.

Babies develop in their own ways, and there isn’t one “right” pattern to expect. You can find out more about cluster feeding on the Best Start in Life website here.

One of the most common myths of early parenting is that you can ‘hold your baby too much’. This often comes up when babies are crying, and in the past some parents were advised to leave their babies to cry.

We now understand that crying is a baby’s way of communicating a need. By picking your baby up and comforting them, you’re not “spoiling” them - you’re helping them feel safe, secure, and understood. Over time, this kind of responsive care actually supports your baby to become more confident and settled.

This is because they will feel confident that you will be there for them if they need you, so they do not feel the need to hold on tightly to you.

So if your instinct is to hold and comfort your baby, you can feel reassured that you’re doing exactly what they need.

@Itsgottobeme

I’m really sorry to hear that your foster child has had such a difficult start, and it’s clear from your question how much you want to support them.

Early experiences do matter, and a traumatic first year can have an impact on how a baby interacts with the world. But it’s just as important to say that these early difficulties do not necessarily define a child’s future.

Babies adapt quickly to their environment, and a baby’s brain makes one million new connections every second. This is one of the reasons that early relationships are so important – when babies receive warm, loving, and consistent care, they are quite literally helping to shape the developing brain.

You don’t need to do anything particularly different, but your role is an important one. Offering predictable routines, being emotionally available, and responding to your foster child’s cues with patience and sensitivity all help to build a sense of safety and trust.

At times, babies who have had a difficult start might show this through their behaviour. For example, finding it harder to settle, becoming easily overwhelmed, or needing extra reassurance. These are often ways of communicating, rather than signs that something is “wrong”.

When you notice these signs, think about what might be overwhelming your baby and let them take a break. Slow down the pace, stop the activity you are doing or move them to a quieter area. Over time, you will get to know their communication, build your bond, and your baby will be comforted more quickly by you.

If you do have any concerns about your child’s development or behaviour, it’s always a good idea to talk them through with your health visitor or GP, who can offer guidance and support if needed.

What are your thoughts on white noise to help with sleep - or would it be better to sleep train on a quiet dark room in the long term. My DM swears by white noise but I'm not too sure.

Best advice for sleeping independently and not having to be rocked to sleep - we used to let DS1 fall asleep downstairs with us, and carry him up to his cot asleep - don't want to fall into this with DC2 - any help would be appreciated.