Q&A about living with teenagers: Post questions to Suzanne Franks, author of 'Get Out Of My Life' - ANSWERS BACK

[RachelMumsnet]

We’re running a Q&A this week with Suzanne Franks, co-author of the appropriately titled Get Out Of My Life But First Take Me and Alex Into Town.

The book was first published in 2008 and has since become the most recommended book for parents of teenagers. The new updated edition features advice on social media, online threads as well as looking at all the difficult issues of bringing up teenagers; school, sex, drugs and more. Get Out of My Life uses true-to-life situations to illustrate important points which give parents the vital information they need to understand, love and survive today’s teens.

Post your questions to Suzanne this week, before 10am Monday 19 January and we’ll upload her answers to your questions on January 26.

More about the authors:
Suzanne Franks was a BBC TV producer for many years and is now an academic, author and journalist. She has written many books including, Having None of It: Women, Men and the Future of Work. She lives in London and has three children, one of whom is still a teenager.
?Tony Wolf, Ph.D., is a practising clinical psychologist who has worked with children and adolescents for over thirty years. He lives in Suffield, Connecticut.

This Q&A is sponsored by Profile Books

Any idea when these answers will be posted?

Looking forward - rather desperately - to hearing your responses to these questions Suzanne. I could have written many of them.... Any idea when? Thanks

yeah, when? And I had to spend 5 minutes on google to even find this thread , so where will she post her answers?

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all your questions. We now have Suzanne's answers back and will be uploading them shortly onto this thread. We're sorry Suzanne wasn't able to answer all your questions but you can find lots more advice and information in her book.

@mothermirth

Hi Suzanne,

Love 'Get out of my life?'

Please can you give me some tactics to help me deal with a very bright 14-year-old who does no homework and is addicted to computer games? It would be grand if you could promise me that he will grow out of gaming and do some homework before his GCSEs

BTW, he sometimes quotes 'Get out of my life?' at me. Should I worry?

He does indeed sound bright and maybe he is finding school rather boring – so if there is any way that his teachers can stretch him a little more, that might be helpful. But in addition to that it is often the case that boys will take a while to realize that some things are ‘for real’ and doing poorly in his exams at 16 might have serious and longer term implications. Many of them cotton on to this rather late indeed well into year 11, just as the deadlines and exams loom up. There is no harm reinforcing this point, that his choices later might be limited if he messes up. But it will be probably a year or so before the message really hits home and he hears that little voice inside himself starting to worry about the real world out there.

It might even be that, as with many others, he has to wait for the mock exam results to give him a wake up call, but that too is some way off. Alas in the meantime I fear you might be rather frustrated, but be assured he will wake up to reality before it is too late…

@Heyho111

My daughter 19 yrs old has always put boyfriends first. She gives them all her time and as a result has only a few girl friends. She seems to need to be in a relationship. Is there anything I can do to encourage her to have a social life alongside her boyfriend or do I just need to accept that is how she is. Thanks for your help.

I do understand your concerns about this but I am not sure that you can have much effect here. She must be aware of the trade offs she is making. By prioritizing boyfriends above other relationships, although a gentle word about this from someone else (not necessarily you) might be helpful. It is also worth considering that some parents worry that their children are not able to form close intimate relationships with one significant other and always want to be part of a big crowd. But in your case it is the opposite. Your daughter is obviously able to handle serious one to one relationships and finds them fulfilling.

By this stage, at 19, there is probably not much that you can do, except maybe gently encourage activities or engagement with her girlfriends to do things together.

@Waitingandhoping2015

My 15 year old son has just had his GCSE mocks and looks set for some good results. However I feel I have to nag him all the time to get on with his homework and revision etc. I don't want to let go and just let him get on with it himself for fear of him doing badly! Getting him to work to a timetable seems impossible, though he did relent and vaguely follow one over the Xmas holidays.Do I keep up the nagging and pushing? Do I dangle carrots more rather than the (fairly gentle) stick?

You are entering the final lap (of this particular race) and it is probably worth hanging in there. Even if he even vaguely follows a revision timetable, that is quite an achievement at this stage. Try not to overdo the nagging if you can and always try and insert a bit of humour wherever possible. There is no harm in the odd carrot – to help him along the way at this stage.

Juggling revision for numerous subjects can be tricky. Many boys simply need help to organise themselves and especially in the run up to the exam, breaking up revision sessions into manageable slots with tasty snacks and suggesting the odd (small) reward will make it seem less of a daunting ordeal. Good Luck.

@Travelledtheworld

I also have an introverted 14 year old son who will not socialise, rarely leaves the house, reluctantly speaks to me and his older sister, no interest in his appearance and spends hours and hours playing online games.

He is clever and works hard at school but I am worried he is not developing his social skills. Will he grow out of this ?

His father doesn't live with us and he only sees him occasionally, so also struggling for a positive role model in life and somone to do blokey things with....

It is not uncommon for boys at this stage to retreat into a kind of chrysalis phase, seeming shy and monosyllabic. I would not worry too much if he is reluctant to speak to you or your daughter which is a pretty normal. At least it is good news that he works at school so you do not have to worry about that.

It would be really good if he could be encouraged to take part in more social hobbies –like team sports or music making. Does his school maybe offer the Duke of Edinburgh award or something similar where he could learn new skills and working in a team? You could always ask his teachers what is available. There are all kinds of possibilities – participating in a school show, maybe as part of the technical team behind scenes if he is too shy for the stage. Anything which can give him a sense of responsibility or build social skills from working together with others.

He is too young to get a proper job, but he could always offer to do small jobs or babysitting for neighbours or suchlike which would help him to develop more responsibility and engage with others away from you.

@Onthedoorstep

How do you encourage teens to look after themselves/self-regulate? My DSD will happily play on her phone for 20 hours a day, not eat and drink, and sleep in the afternoon. Then she wonders why she is depressed...

How do you make them see that this sort of stuff is bad for their wellbeing? She just thinks we are nagging.

I am sure many parents would agree that the constant lure of technology and screens does not enhance adolescent well being. As you say the task is to help her learn some kind of self control and reasonable limits – alas many adults too are addicted to their machines, almost unable to let go even in the midst of social occasions. So that is one obvious point – make sure you and other adults around are setting the right example. Also you do not say what age she is. If she is below 15/16 I would definitely suggest that you remove the phone at night time so that she can at least have some interrupted sleep. Or switch off the wifi, which will mean there is less scope for phone use (she may not want to use up her data limits).

It is also worth exploring what other activities she might be interested in – and giving as much encouragement, so she can then become absorbed in other things. Or encourage her to get a part time job (if old enough) which again will build some responsibility, resilience etc.
Don’t worry if she accuses you of nagging. As long as you deal with her reasonably, ie not in a patronizing way, this really is a legitimate area of concern.

@bigTillyMint

My DS(14, going on 16) is terrible about getting up and out of the house on time for school. It is even worse on the mornings after evening footy training.

I am the one at home in the morning and he should leave at the same time as me. I get very stressed when he is not up and ready at the right time, so I am currently letting his alarm go off and then going in and turning his light on at the time I think he needs to get up and then leaving him to it.

Have you any words of wisdom for me?

Alas there is now evidence to show that the teenage body clock is set later than for adults and many of them genuinely find it hard to deal with early rising. Some schools have even adjusted to this with later starts, but obviously not in your case.

There is an argument that gradually he really ought to be taking some responsibility for himself. If you can bear it you might let him take the consequences of arriving late to school for a while and see if that has an effect. You are probably right just to switch on the light and then leave him to it.

You might also hint that the footy training seems to make things worse and assuming he does not want to miss out on that, he might just make a greater effort. But genuinely it is hard for some teenagers to adjust to early hours, so you might have to wait a while.

@smileyforest

16y Ds...smoking weed_how do I get him to understand the problems that may arise by doing it...I mean long term...most teens appear to be doing it now..it seems to be the 'norm'...I can shout, withhold pocket money etc etc...makes no difference...just concerned about the damage...

I very much share your concern. Stronger versions of weed which are often quite readily available these days can have serious long term effects on some adolescents. It is completely acceptable to withhold pocket money if that is funding the habit. Shouting is probably not much good, but picking your moment carefully for a concerned chat now and again might be worthwhile. You could show him evidence of these effects through selected articles and stories. He might shrug you off but at some level he will understand this.

@vivat

I have another very bright 14hr DS, doing (reasonably) well at school but he is a total wind-up merchant and keeps getting into trouble at school. Was suspended last term for getting into a fight and has had numerous detentions. He can be such a lovely child but seems to have this urge to wind every one up all the time. It drives the teachers (and us, and his sisters) completely batty. His explanation for the detentions - teacher doesn't like me, I'm singled out etc etc. How do I get him to understand that getting on with people is a much better policy long term.

If he is a bright boy he may well find school pretty boring and unstimulating which in turn may provoke this kind of behaviour. Is there some way that the school could be stretching him further academically? There is no harm repeating the mantra that getting along with those you do not like (or don’t like you) is a crucial life skill. Even if he does not listen it will gradually be absorbed and slowly maturity will set in as he starts to make more sense of the world around him and how to navigate it– I promise.

@HappyMummySal

My nearly 13 yr old dd thinks we're too strict. This is a daily rant from her about everything; from what time she should go to bed, how long she spends on her i pod/phone, doing chores to earn pocket money etc. Basically anything she is asked to do or not to do is a row. She would like to be allowed to do what she likes, when she likes with an endless amount of money for social activities. Finds 'no' very difficult to deal with. We are firm but fair and have a 9 yr old dd also. she feels that her sister gets away with more and isn't told off enough despite explaining that they are being treated fairly according to their age differences. Am I being too strict?

I am afraid this sounds pretty standard 13 year old behaviour and the best advice is that (for your own sanity) you do not get drawn into too many rows. Pick your battles and also withdraw once you have made your position clear – there is nothing to be gained from protracted wrangling with her. Moreover there is nothing wrong with ‘no’ sometimes – even if it produces pain all around. And you do not have to feel like a human cash machine.

As far as the sibling problem again I would not enter into too much discussion. Provided you feel you are being fair, it is best just to limit any negotiating and debate because it will rarely bring satisfaction.
There is probably some way to go, but I can assure you in the end you WILL have a positive relationship with her, once these storms have settled. Alas it will probably take some time.

@CatCushion

How do you get them to join in and spend time as a family, from days out and holidays to small talk or deeper conversations?

Yes indeed this is a conundrum which so many families face. It is usually possible to have civilized and indeed deeper conversations with a teenager, but the catch is these occasions are extremely difficult to predict. Sometimes they just happen and often not when you are expecting it. Maybe when you are walking somewhere or driving, which is ideal as you do not need to have eye contact. There are times when they will suddenly talk rationally and often quite deeply about issues and problems. But it is usually unexpected and the trick is to go with the flow at that moment, trying to be as gentle and unprobing as you can, especially if they want to unburden something.

As to days out and holidays – this is a matter of lateral thinking and compromise. If you want to entice them and get them along willingly it will mean (at least partly) doing things that they are interested in. Alas all those happy memories of picnics in the park or outings to the Zoo are a thing of the past. But if you can compromise on maybe a football game, a pizza joint or an outing that ends in a shopping trip or whatever they can be enticed with, then you might have willing participants.

But for many teenagers this is a period when peer group means everything and getting them to disengage and focus happily on family is going to be difficult. However be assured that one day they will again find you interesting and worthwhile companions to spend time with.

@zippyandbungle

How to I approach and deal with my 12 year old dd2 who is constantly voicing "it's unfair" from who gets to sit in the front of the car to what we watch on tv to where we go out for lunch. She says she never has a choice and we always prioritise dd1 to her ( we don't ) I just find it draining and she sounds incredibly spoilt.

Dealing with sibling rivalry can be extremely draining. But the best solution is, unless World War 3 is about to happen in your house, just do not engage. Much of the rivalry is simply about competing for you and gaining your attention, which is the ultimate reward. So do not join in at all. If you can switch off you will leave them to sort it out in their own way – that might not be your way, but it will resolve. Provided you are confident that your behaviour is reasonable and fair, there is no point discussing any of this, just ignore it. You will honestly feel much better.

@olivia97

My DD aged 17 is very difficult to live with. She is frequently irritable, moans about everything and almost everyday shouts and screams at me about things as trivial as not liking what I have cooked for dinner. I understand from your excellent book, that teenage girls do battle with their mothers and the reasons for this, but I find it hard to bear that she takes out all her problems on me. I would like to know what you think is the most effective way of dealing with this sort of behaviour. At the moment, I am trying not to engage with her, unless she is being civil, as previously I have tried to calm her down by doing what she wants and this hasn't worked. I had hoped by now that she would be getting a bit calmer, we have had four years of this and it is very wearing on us all.

O dear four years does indeed seem like a long time, but it is certainly not unusual. In fact things may not change very much until she leaves home next year or at least goes out into the ‘real world’. It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing, both for her and for your own sanity. When she is being reasonable (and believe me those times will increase in number) by all means be charming, helpful and enjoy her company. But whenever the nasty behaviour starts just simply try to disengage and go away and do something else; ideally something that absorbs all your attention. There is no better way than to remove yourself from the situation. She should be old enough to slowly realise that you do not have to serve as her punchbag.

@socks25

My 17 year old would like his girlfriend to sleep with him when she stays over. This is his first serious girlfriend of only a few months. We have insisted she sleeps in another room. My son thinks we are unreasonable. Any advice on how we convince him it is because we care about his and her emotional well being? We also don't want to set a precedent that will in time affect our daughter currently 13.

This is an area where parents will have individual and sometimes strong views. You might consider that after a given time (say 6 months) when it can be demonstrated a relationship is definitely serious that you may wish to allow them to share a room. It is probably the case that they are sleeping together elsewhere and some parents take the view that they would prefer it to happen under their roof in a safer place. However others (more commonly the girl’s parents) remain very much opposed to this.

It is also difficult if this is your first and oldest child, because it feels like an enormous step. But at 17 he is likely to be off somewhere else (College/University) in a few months, so the problem will no longer arise.
At this age I would absolutely not contact the girlfriend’s mother to talk about the late night texting. That is pointless and will only annoy your son. However you might wish to contact her about the sleeping arrangements. If they (ie the girlfriend’s parents) are prepared to accept shared bedrooms that would be something to take into consideration. If on the other hand they are not, then you can use this as a legitimate excuse not to allow it in your house – explaining that you do not want to undermine them.

I would not worry too much about the effect upon your younger daughter. It is some years before this will arise for her and the way these things play out for different children are very difficult to predict at this stage.

@ceridwyn

When you've drawn a line and your teenager is deliberately stepping over it and drawing his own line several feet further forward how do you re-establish authority without feeling like an evil cow for enforcing rules.

Has anyone elses teenage son been invited to parties where the other peoples parents are present but young teens have ended up drunk? He's 14! At 16, possibly I could understand that happening but at 14?

He was so drunk that my self and my brother had to physically carry him home and even then he managed to to face-plant into the pavement/door/wall/floor a number of times before we got him into bed (which he fell out of 2hrs later).

He's upset at the moment because having grounded him for the above and the incidents that lead up to it (a grounding which he has ignored after school going straight to his friends when it suits him) he can't understand why I won't let him go to a mixed sleepover this weekend. AIBU?

O dear this does sound a real pain - yet pretty standard behaviour and probably something that many others have encountered. It is not surprising that he lost control after drinking so much and expecting restraint at this stage when there is unlimited free booze is usually unrealistic. But it is probably worth putting it down to experience and moving on. Grounding him if he then undermines your authority like this will probably not have much effect. It is worth having plenty of chats about responsibility and trust etc – he will roll his eyes, but some of it will be taken on board.

A mixed sleepover at this age does sound alarming, especially if you are unsure about supervision arrangements. But maybe you can talk to the parents of the host and get some idea of what will be going on and then make a judgement. If you are not happy then by all means tell him ‘no’ on this occasion and put up with the onslaught. It is important to fight some battles and stand your ground. The key is to pick the ones that you think really matter.

@Bestintentions13

Is she ready for university? DD, 17, is really worrying me. She can't wait to go away next year, but skates by with half-hearted work, is disorganised and unrealistic about how much time/energy it takes to do something well. She doesn't seem to understand that living away from home and doing school work is no picnic. She is clever enough to get in somewhere, but I don't want her to go away and fail. Any ideas?

It is difficult to advise on this without knowing in more detail whether your daughter is really that different from most other 17yr olds. I deal with many undergraduates every day and it is difficult to comprehend how immature and disorganized some of them can be. However if you feel she is genuinely unready for University, what about considering a gap year beforehand? There are all kinds of things she might do, such as working in a nursery or as a classroom assistant. However even spending several months working in a very routine job (pulling pints or supermarket shelf stacking) is a great experience – both of the discipline of the workplace as well as a reason why she might wish to aspire to a more interesting life. Then she might also like to use some of her hard won earnings to travel a little. This again will teach her organizational skills and independence.

Students who arrive at university with even just a year of this kind of experience are often more prepared for being independent and making the most of their course.

@JoJo101

My DS (13) and husband have just started clashing, and I'm playing referee/peace keeper most of the time. DS is fairly typical in his obsession with Xbox, and testing the boundaries with us, etc. What we are finding difficult to manage is his rudeness - answering back, unable to apologise, losing his temper and unwilling to back down. DH can be equally stubborn :/ My DD (10) is also quite sensitive to the arguments, and obviously upset when she is also on the receiving end of DS's outbursts. Any tips on avoiding these clashes and creating family harmony that only seems to be achieved at the moment when we're all in separate rooms on electronic devices. Thanks

The kind of clashing you describe is pretty common, although more frequent with teenage girls. But there is a long way to go if he is still 13, so to preserve your own sanity and peace of mind I would suggest that you and your husband draw some boundaries and do not engage when your son’s behaviour turns into this nasty teenage tantrum. As we outline many times in the book, just restate your requirements of him and withdraw. Much of his outbursts are an attempt to provoke – so DO NOT get drawn into protracted rows. It is even worth ignoring the swearing sometimes so he can see that he has not succeeded in having an effect on you. But if swearing does particularly annoy you, then by all means explain calmly that you do not accept that kind of language in your vicinity.

I am sorry about the impact on your daughter too – it is sad for her to have to listen to this, but I am sure that you try and have quality and enjoyable times with her. She will realize that he is in a tricky phase and understand that the nice brother she always knew is lurking under the surface for the moment.

@BrowersBlues

Suzanne, I was delighted to hear you are on MN. Your book really helped me to get a glimpse of what was going on in my teenagers' heads. The real life situations freaked me out a bit because those conversations happen almost word for word in my home.

My question is about my DS who is almost 16. He was the happiest baby and a very loving boy. We were great friends but at around 15 he seemed to start to hate me. A few months ago he moved out to live with his father. His father has no rules whereas I do and his bedroom there is much bigger than at my house. I think it is more than that though, it seems that he can't bear to be around me anymore.

I am heartbroken and trying not to panic. I am afraid I have lost him for good. He didn't speak to me at all for ages but is warming up a bit. It is precarious though. I never say anything contentious because I am afraid he will pull away again.

Some people tell me that parents have to let go at some stage. I understand this but I think 15/16 is a bit drastic and I am terrified that I will lose him forever.

I would appreciate your opinion. Thank you very much.

Yes you are right – at some point parents do have to let go, but that is a very gradual process and your son has plenty more need of you before that.

The fact that you had such a great relationship beforehand is a very positive sign and also comfort. Your son has not forgotten that – at some level he knows that you and he have a loving bond. It is pretty common that boys go through a stage where they feel very alienated from their mother – but this is about coming to terms with their sexuality and the wider world. Once that is sorted out – in terms of building relationships with other women – then he will be ready to come back to you.
Obviously in your case there is the added complication of the two homes. But it sounds as if deep down your son is working things out and his feelings for you.

If you can bear it I would stay cool and calm and wait for him to slowly come back. It may not be the same relationship you had when he was little, but I am sure it will be just as rewarding in the longer term.

@Chandon

My main question is:

Are teenagers really that bad?

I sometimes feel it is a fairly recent phenomenon to expect teens to be moody, selfish and difficult. I know that before, say, the 1970s, teens were just treated like young adults.

Are we simply having too low expectations of their behaviour, and would giving them more responsibility and freedom be a way forward?

Are young people these days raised with lots of rights and entitlements, and too little responsibilities and duties?

Some of your observations may well be true. We have this ever extending period of adolescence now which is something very new. Even a generation ago, youngsters would expect to take on more responsibilities at a younger age.

The trouble is we live in a very connected world and even if as a parent one wanted to make all sorts of demands – it is difficult to impose such things in isolation. However building up a sense of responsibility and resilience as young as possible is still a worthwhile strategy. Requiring children to take ownership of a pet’s welfare, accept responsibility for small household tasks, or encouraging them in doing paid or voluntary work outside the home from a youngish age are all excellent ways of developing such behaviour.

@Nameforposting

Hi, Our soon-to-be 13yr old daughter is having huge 'meltdowns' which can be triggered by anything and everything. She is completely unable to calm down and will escalate and escalate until she's lost all privileges (therefor nothing left to lose) and becomes destructive and will try to physically intimidate me. I feel it's a matter of time before she physically lashes out at me. It is clear that during these times she has lost the ability to control herself, nothing works when she gets into this state and it can last for hours. She's always very upset afterwards. These tantrums? began about a year ago (around the time she started her periods) but are getting worse as time goes on. Generally she is disengaged at school, not doing homework, distracted and disruptive (giggly, daydreaming etc) On the plus side, she is otherwise a bubbly, friendly girl with empathy and emotional intelligence. I'm at a loss as to the best way to deal with the hours long meltdowns, I've tried ignoring, talking calmly, shouting, sanctioning, sending her to her room to calm down etc. Do you have any advice on how to manage this behaviour? Thanks in advance

What you are describing is fairly common teenage behaviour. If this is your oldest child it can be quite a shock – or even if you have been lucky enough to avoid it in older siblings. As you mention in your final para she is still somewhere the lovely girl you know, but this has become sometimes overlaid by horrible unpleasantness. If you asked her about it (at a saner moment) she is probably at a loss herself to explain, as these rants and tantrums seem to explode from nowhere.

The main thing for you is to preserve your own sanity and well being. There is little point engaging when these eruptions happen – say your piece about whatever you require etc and then move yourself elsewhere and try to take no notice. As we say in the book: If you listen hard to the arguments it really is a matter of her battling within herself and trying endlessly to engage and provoke you in this. So Do NOT participate.

Slowly over the next few years the incidents will diminish and the temperature will drop. You just need to be able to stay calm and show her that whenever she re-emerges as a pleasant human being, you are always there for her.

@OccamsLadyshave

Hi Suzanne

i enjoyed your book and it really helped me to understand the teen brain!

The biggest source of conflict between me and my 13yo is homework. She wants me to back off and trust her to do it, so I do, then I get phone calls from school saying she hasn't done it. Then when I stand over her to make sure she's done it I get accused of not trusting her!

Your book helped me understand why she is rejecting my interference but I don't feel I can back off and let her just not do it. The school still act like it's my responsibility to oversee it. Any advice gratefully received!

Homework battles are a classic case of where the ‘baby-self’ really does not want to confront the unpleasant real world out there and would prefer to have a fight with you. Pretty soon the school will have to accept that this is your daughter’s business and not your responsibility. In the meantime can you help by trying to offer strategies of very small step carrot and sticks over the homework? Only when tasks are completed may she do x ….If the whole process of organizing herself is too daunting, that might help.

You could also point out that as long as you do not get calls from school you will not be on her back, but when they are complaining to you, there is no alternative. It is definitely worth raising this at the next parent’s evening – or even asking to see your daughter’s form teacher. It is important for everyone that she try and establish good habits, before the more important exams kick in.
But also worth lavishing lots of praise when she does do something on time and to a good standard.

I thought you were talking about my son, he says he doesn't want to go to school because they are not teaching anything he is interested in learning, he is very intelligent & highly articulate, I think he should be a lawyer, i am very intelligent, articulate and reasonable & he can argue me to a standstill. He decided school was not for him so he simply stopped doing assignments, homework and participating in class He prefers to stay up all night playing games. I take the games etc away he doesn't care he will lay on his bed and stare at the ceiling. He is a good kid,doesn't smoke, drink, use drugs, wander the streets etc, when he is not at school he is at home, he never goes anywhere, just talks to his mates on skype and plays games with them, I have sent him to live with his dad for a few months. I don't know what else to do .