Q&A about living with teenagers: Post questions to Suzanne Franks, author of 'Get Out Of My Life' - ANSWERS BACK

[RachelMumsnet]

We’re running a Q&A this week with Suzanne Franks, co-author of the appropriately titled Get Out Of My Life But First Take Me and Alex Into Town.

The book was first published in 2008 and has since become the most recommended book for parents of teenagers. The new updated edition features advice on social media, online threads as well as looking at all the difficult issues of bringing up teenagers; school, sex, drugs and more. Get Out of My Life uses true-to-life situations to illustrate important points which give parents the vital information they need to understand, love and survive today’s teens.

Post your questions to Suzanne this week, before 10am Monday 19 January and we’ll upload her answers to your questions on January 26.

More about the authors:
Suzanne Franks was a BBC TV producer for many years and is now an academic, author and journalist. She has written many books including, Having None of It: Women, Men and the Future of Work. She lives in London and has three children, one of whom is still a teenager.
?Tony Wolf, Ph.D., is a practising clinical psychologist who has worked with children and adolescents for over thirty years. He lives in Suffield, Connecticut.

This Q&A is sponsored by Profile Books

Hi Suzanne! I'm so excited to be able to message you as your book is the best parenting a teen book I've read- ( ive recommended it on mums net a few times) . I read it from cover to cover in one day - it was a life line!
I repeat, almost like a mantra , your words- it's just a phase ( and hope that's true) . It's fantastic to be able to thank you!
This book hasn't made my ds any different and it's no miracle cure for teenage behaviour, but I have a much better understanding of WHY he is like he is.
My question is,
How do you help a teen who struggles to cope with challenges. He appears to be unable to problem solve and will act like its the end of the world ( literally - says what's the point in living) .
Thank you.

What a feckin relief....all of the questions I would ask have been asked!....Blimmin computers and disorganisation top of list and GCSES'S in May.

I am mother to a very introverted nearly-16 year old son and a 13 year-old who is his total opposite in every way.

DS1 (16) has just 2 friends (from school) and his idea of socialising is playing FIFA with them each in their own homes. He has no apparent interest in girls (not gay though).

DS2 (13) is life and soul of the party and is already onto his 2nd 'girlfriend'.

DS1 is always doing down DS2 and I think it is because he is jealous. Really worried about how he's going to manage at University when he's right out of his comfort zone….

How to I approach and deal with my 12 year old dd2 who is constantly voicing "it's unfair" from who gets to sit in the front of the car to what we watch on tv to where we go out for lunch. She says she never has a choice and we always prioritise dd1 to her ( we don't ) I just find it draining and she sounds incredibly spoilt.

My DD aged 17 is very difficult to live with. She is frequently irritable, moans about everything and almost everyday shouts and screams at me about things as trivial as not liking what I have cooked for dinner.
I understand from your excellent book, that teenage girls do battle with their mothers and the reasons for this, but I find it hard to bear that she takes out all her problems on me.
I would like to know what you think is the most effective way of dealing with this sort of behaviour. At the moment, I am trying not to engage with her, unless she is being civil, as previously I have tried to calm her down by doing what she wants and this hasn't worked. I had hoped by now that she would be getting a bit calmer, we have had four years of this and it is very wearing on us all.

Hello.

I have a 16yo Ds. We mutually love one another and we mutually dislike one another. Ds was 8 when I had his sister and although they love one another, they wind each other up all the time. I have tried to talk sense into them, but they are snidey and mean.

The problems between Ds and myself range from the fact that he won't help me out at home, to him not being able to sleep (health being investigated) and then not getting up for school and being late every day and much more in between. He's very bright, but also lazy at school, doing 3 A levels and I worry for his future.
It's just me bringing the Dc's up, so as well as being a loving Mum, I also have to be the Sergeant Major and in this mode, I'm a shouty Mum.

I'm very frustrated with it all.
I have got your book, though I confess, I have yet to read it.

Thanks!

My 17 year old would like his girlfriend to sleep with him when she stays over. This is his first serious girlfriend of only a few months. We have insisted she sleeps in another room. My son thinks we are unreasonable. Any advice on how we convince him it is because we care about his and her emotional well being? We also don't want to set a precedent that will in time affect our daughter currently 13.

My 17 year old son spends hours in the middle if the night on the phone to his girlfriend, being a grumpy, tired teenager as a result. He feels too old to be taking his phone away, but he won't stop. Any tips on how we can reach a compromise? His girlfriend must also be exhausted. Should I contact her mum to put a stop to it?

When you've drawn a line and your teenager is deliberately stepping over it and drawing his own line several feet further forward how do you re-establish authority without feeling like an evil cow for enforcing rules.

Has anyone elses teenage son been invited to parties where the other peoples parents are present but young teens have ended up drunk? He's 14! At 16, possibly I could understand that happening but at 14?

He was so drunk that my self and my brother had to physically carry him home and even then he managed to to face-plant into the pavement/door/wall/floor a number of times before we got him into bed (which he fell out of 2hrs later).

He's upset at the moment because having grounded him for the above and the incidents that lead up to it (a grounding which he has ignored after school going straight to his friends when it suits him) he can't understand why I won't let him go to a mixed sleepover this weekend. AIBU?

Ceridwyn my Ds has been going to parties since he was 14 too. He's now 16. I set strict boundaries with him about not drinking alcohol or, as he's got a bit older, not drinking more than a couple of beers. So far, he's not been drunk and I always insist on collecting him from the party he's at and judging by the cars of parents waiting, I'm not the only one!
Ds often tells of drunken behaviour, but is usually the one trying to sort the drunk one out...(maybe I haven't done too bad a job with him after all!). There does always seem to be someone getting off their face, so your Ds is not the only one...it's all ages too!

My DS (13) and husband have just started clashing, and I'm playing referee/peace keeper most of the time. DS is fairly typical in his obsession with Xbox, and testing the boundaries with us, etc. What we are finding difficult to manage is his rudeness - answering back, unable to apologise, losing his temper and unwilling to back down. DH can be equally stubborn :/ My DD (10) is also quite sensitive to the arguments, and obviously upset when she is also on the receiving end of DS's outbursts. Any tips on avoiding these clashes and creating family harmony that only seems to be achieved at the moment when we're all in separate rooms on electronic devices. Thanks

yy to CatCushion's post.

dd thinks I'm an embarrassment and on a day out has all the enthusiasm of a person being led to the gallows.

Makes me feel so inadequate especially when bil & sil's dds are all skipping along a la Little Women and are the absolute best of friends.

Parent of 17 year old who chooses to spend all his time playing computer games and sees this as acceptable.
He is unwilling to engage in any meaningful chat regards studies etc holds unrealistic expectations that he can get to uni with little studies this has nt worked to date as he is barely scraping passes in his recent mocks.
His dad and I separated 4 years ago and he remains unhappy about this.
Does see his dad fortnightly for overnight stay but that relationship is strained too for the above reasons.
Declines any attempts to reason or help him use more helpful options.
Soo frustrating and upsetting to watch powerlessly.
Any suggestions welcome .

Ok so this may be long so please bare with me..

DS1 is 16 years old. He works full time (I did anther thread on keep) and lives at home with me mum, dad and baby brother (soon another baby is going to be arriving).

DS1 has a female friend that he knows from school. Now here's where my 'issue' is. DS1 is close to the mother of this girl, he has her as Mumsy 2 on his phone which I will admit, hurts.

DS1 and I have always had a close relationship as I bought him up alone for 7 years. We chat and I am only 36 and feel like a young mum still. He knows he can chat with me about anything at anytime. Yes things are harder now that he has a brother and my time is taken up more by his brother but I always make time to ask how his day went, whats the latest gossip etc.

DS1 is spending more and more time at this mothers flat and even told me he was leaving home to move in with her and her 3 girls and boyfriend (into a 2 bed flat owned by the council) which I put a stop to as I said I would phone the police if he did. He had no reason to leave except that I have rules and boundries, this mother doesn't. She was going to charge him for living at her flat. I did speak with her and told her as an adult she should be discouraging a minor not to leave home, not encourage.

Now DS1 had an Acute Absence Seizure causing acute confusion on Monday and was hospitalised as a result. We had no idea he had this condition until he turned up at school on monday (he left last year) and was found wondering the grounds. He thought it was 1998 and he had forgotten who his family was. Amongst other things. He has had an array of tests-MRI,CT Scan, Lumber Puncture and EEG done over the last 3 days. He is at home in bed recovering with a very bad headache from the lumber puncture.

My OH saw this mother at the hospital and assumed (rightly or wrongly) that she was there to see DS1 even though we hadn't told anyone except family that he was there. I calmly and polity asked that IF she was there to see DS1 then please do not, as he is in a confused state and until he was well, I rather see stayed away (the same as we told family). She claims she wasnt there to see him.

She replied that I was a paranoid parent, that i was to 'check myself' and to let DS1 be trusted and stop controlling him. Not anywhere in that reply did she ask why DS1 was in hosptial??

I again, calmly asked her to respect my wishes as his parent to stay away and not contact him.

I found out that yesterday DS1 had phoned her to tell her how he was as he was getting lots of confused texts.
So today I yet again said that she should have asked me first before speaking with him as the confusion from monday was still there in places and he needs to rest and get well.
Again my parenting skills were battered.

Then to top it off, My friend who has passed away from a brain haemmerage just after Xmas, her son and my son were best friends when growing up and I had him texting me with lots of questions about DS1 and worrying himself silly that DS1 was going to die in the same way as his mum!! I had not told him for this very reason yet this mother took it upon herself to tell her daughter who then told DS1 friend whos mum had passed.

I am livid that this woman is trying to parent my DS1 and sticking her nose in when I have asked her to step back. DS1 needs to recover, is it too much to ask another mother to respect this??

He is a minor and still my responsibility to parent him the way I see fit.

Am i wrong??

About the implant it needs to come out 9th February and on the pill as don't really work with out pill but lately I feel bloated and got bit more sticky out belly and feel like movements, tired n drained and don't no what to think iv got a 3 year old and wouldnt mind if I was to fall pregnant but I feel I'm getting my hopes up don't no weather to ask doctors or pregnancy test or its fake help please is it just the inplant thanks xx

Suzanne, I was delighted to hear you are on MN. Your book really helped me to get a glimpse of what was going on in my teenagers' heads. The real life situations freaked me out a bit because those conversations happen almost word for word in my home.

My question is about my DS who is almost 16. He was the happiest baby and a very loving boy. We were great friends but at around 15 he seemed to start to hate me. A few months ago he moved out to live with his father. His father has no rules whereas I do and his bedroom there is much bigger than at my house. I think it is more than that though, it seems that he can't bear to be around me anymore.

I am heartbroken and trying not to panic. I am afraid I have lost him for good. He didn't speak to me at all for ages but is warming up a bit. It is precarious though. I never say anything contentious because I am afraid he will pull away again.

Some people tell me that parents have to let go at some stage. I understand this but I think 15/16 is a bit drastic and I am terrified that I will lose him forever.

I would appreciate your opinion. Thank you very much.

Had bad a parent would I be to encourage my Arse 15yo to join the army at the first opportunity?

...HOW bad...

I've had similar thoughts lljkk

My main question is:

Are teenagers really that bad?

I sometimes feel it is a fairly recent phenomenon to expect teens to be moody, selfish and difficult. I know that before, say, the 1970s, teens were just treated like young adults.

Are we simply having too low expectations of their behaviour, and would giving them more responsibility and freedom be a way forward?

Are young people these days raised with lots of rights and entitlements, and too little responsibilities and duties?

Hi, Our soon-to-be 13yr old daughter is having huge 'meltdowns' which can be triggered by anything and everything.
She is completely unable to calm down and will escalate and escalate until she's lost all privileges (therefor nothing left to lose) and becomes destructive and will try to physically intimidate me.
I feel it's a matter of time before she physically lashes out at me.
It is clear that during these times she has lost the ability to control herself, nothing works when she gets into this state and it can last for hours.
She's always very upset afterwards.
These tantrums? began about a year ago (around the time she started her periods) but are getting worse as time goes on.
Generally she is disengaged at school, not doing homework, distracted and disruptive (giggly, daydreaming etc)
On the plus side, she is otherwise a bubbly, friendly girl with empathy and emotional intelligence.
I'm at a loss as to the best way to deal with the hours long meltdowns, I've tried ignoring, talking calmly, shouting, sanctioning, sending her to her room to calm down etc.
Do you have any advice on how to manage this behaviour?
Thanks in advance

Hi Suzanne

i enjoyed your book and it really helped me to understand the teen brain!

The biggest source of conflict between me and my 13yo is homework. She wants me to back off and trust her to do it, so I do, then I get phone calls from school saying she hasn't done it. Then when I stand over her to make sure she's done it I get accused of not trusting her!

Your book helped me understand why she is rejecting my interference but I don't feel I can back off and let her just not do it. The school still act like it's my responsibility to oversee it. Any advice gratefully received!

Do you think that so called "teenagers" are getting younger?
By that I mean is it becoming more prevalent that, the issues and worries that we associate with the typical teenage years, are actually becoming/have become the problems of pre teens?

DD1 starts secondary school this September,
She's talking about meeting her friends from primary school in town on the way home. What restrictions should I put in place?

This Q&A is now closed. We'll be sending a selection of 20 Qs over to Suzanne and expect her answers back next Monday. As soon as we have them, we'll upload to this thread. Thanks to everyone who sent in questions.