18 year old DS with ADHD about to fail A-levels

[Summertimemadness2026]

DS1, just turned 18, has ADHD and serious non-attendance at sixth form. Year 12 was pretty bad and he had to re-sit his end of year 12 exams in order to get CDD, and year 13 has been a write off (his attendance this term is 14%). He has never liked school (was permanently excluded in year 10 and missed about 3 months of school) but, with intensive tutoring, managed to pass all 9 GCSEs with decent enough grades to do A-levels although he wasn't keen to do them. We also managed to get him an EHCP at the end of year 11. However, he moved school to do A-levels along with his best friend but, for whatever reason, hates his current school. The teachers are mostly supportive but he just has no motivation and won't go. He stays up all night most nights or until 3 or 4 am and then can't get up in the morning. He has had throughout his A-levels 2-3 hours per week 1-1 tutoring and is currently having around 5-6 hours 1-1 tutoring at home that I pay for and he works well with his tutors, despite taking ages to come down from his room. His tutors think he should sit all three A-levels but I am on the verge of just giving up, stopping the tutoring and letting him fail. He says he wants to sit the exams but then does nothing, literally nothing, other than lie in bed all day. He used to go out a lot until about a year ago when he stopped going out socially and now he only sees his best friend. He used to go to the gym but has also stopped going there as well. Can anyone advise me what to do? I am SO fed up with him lying around just doing nothing, makes me so angry. Just wanted him to get his A-levels so that he has some options but it is like dragging a stone weight up a hill and he couldn't care less either way.

Sleeps

And you go in there, pull back the curtains, start tidying up, put the radio on, vacuum, etc?

o. I know he wants to take a year out with his best friend but I have no idea what he wants to do other th

is the best friend attending school?

Yes and the same school! It does not motivate DS.

Yes and he tells me to get out. I once chucked a glass of water over him as suggested by his teacher. Didn't work. The rare occasions he does get up, he mucks around for ages, sits on his bed on his phone etc. I even PAID a ex-army friend to come over a few mornings a week to get him up to school. It worked a few times then stopped and not sustainable.

You take his phone whilst he’s sleeping
ulntil he can pay for it - you have a right to take on a whim

I've done this before but it never turns out to be a good idea. Mostly means I can't contact him when I need to, cuts him off further from social interactions when he already seems isolated. I understand the reasoning but I am realising that I can't do this by force. You can't force someone to go to school/sixth form and learn.

If it were me, I'd keep pushing him through A Levels, all three subjects, so he gets the UCAS points, but I would not suggest Uni at this stage. He needs a job. He can go to Uni in a few years when he has matured a little, or stick with a basic job on low pay and let him lack motivation

Until then swap his phone for a Nokia brick, it functions but not smart! Stop pocket money but agree to pay it if he has a job of 10 hours week or more to incentivise him.

Tough love needed

He gets the phone. Once he’s up, showered and dressed and walking out the door to school.

Er, he's 6ft 1 and ripped, refuses to budge. I am 5ft 6. I am not winning that battle. Plus he wouldn't care and would access whatsapp/snapchat whatever somewhere else.

But if you take the phone whilst he’s sleeping and say he gets it back when he’s heading out the door…. He’s going to punch you to get it?

From your recent updates it really looks like the fact that his day and night are dysregulated that are the major problem - of course he can’t manage to go to school if he has not slept all night!! Could you talk to him, on a very practical level (getting rid of all emotion / judgements about ‘laziness’ etc) and say that his exams will be during the day (some of them will likely start very early, maybe 8.00 / 8.30am), so you and he need to come up with a way to gradually shift his sleep / wake patterns, so that he is actually sleeping at night, before his exams (and actually sinner than that, eg starting the process tonight!!). If he tries to sit exams after a night of being up, that will be a complete disaster.

It sounds like he has a lot of potential, and it would be such a shame if he did not put things in place to try and meet that potential. You need to get his agreement to a staged process on shifting sleep / wake patterns. Does he have tv / gaming in his room? Could you see what he thinks about how to reduce the amount of time he is spending watching screens over night?

Are you working at the moment, do you have anyone else around that can support you? Essentially, (as an outsider), i think the first step might be to limit the amount he can sleep in the daytime, so that he starts to build up ‘sleep pressure’ in the night. When does he typically start to sleep at the moment, and when does he usually wake up? You need to get him up earlier?

If he goes to sleep at 5.00am - 6/00am, maybe only allow him 5-6 hours of sleep in the morning, so make him get up at 12 noon (?). And do not let him nap or sleep later in the day. (He needs to build up ‘sleep pressure’ - that feeing behind your eyes that you are tired and really need to sleep, this triggers sleep hormones.. if you nap in the afternoon, the sleep pressure goes, and you can’t sleep at night…).

Then the next day, ask him to go to sleep by 2.00am (is he 18? Maybe get him some herbal Nytol to take beforehand, it can be quite effective at making you sleepy). And get him up at 9.00am the next day. And don’t let him nap!!

Then get him to go to bed at midnight, and get him up at 8.00am. And no napping!

Then get him to bed at 11.00pm, and get up at 7.00am. And the try and get him to keep fairly consistent timings. And no napping!!

If it was me, I would try and move screens out of his bedroom.. (I think ND teens can really develop a dependence on them), so he does his watching films etc downstairs… I know this would be a difficult one though. But it could really help. Maybe frame it as ‘sleep hygiene’ so it is not a criticism of his habits (google ‘sleep hygiene’ habits, there are tips for making your bedroom a relaxing space for sleeping, and routines to help you calm down. Having a bath or shower on evening can help (apparently the core body temp dropping after bath / shower can also trigger sleep hormones).

Maybe he doesn’t want to engage because he feels that ‘everything is lost’ (re: his A levels). But it definitely isn’t. He sounds like he could do well, if he spends some intensive time practising his language A level, and the one that you said was easier. Definitely try and get additional tuition if you can.

Can you throw a lot of effort / resources at this? Can you be around (away from work) over the next week while he re-sets his sleep / wake times? Can you get extra tuition, or find extra resources online? Or sit there and test him (over the next few weeks) or compile comprehensive revision notes from ChatGPT? ‘Save my exams’ is a great website with practice papers, full revision notes, practice questions etc, worth taking out a 3 month subscription if you can.

A shorter amount of Smart / efficient revision is worth many many hours of inefficient revision. He needs to do some gap analysis, identify where he can make the most difference, and really really look into exam technique, for each exam. There are great YouTube videos from teachers out there.

You need to tell him he is at a cross roads - he is very intelligent and capable, and shouldn’t let himself be held back by lack of confidence. The choice he makes now - today - is really important. If he takes on the challenge, he can make great improvements in a short amount of time. He should not aim for perfect grades - he should aim to achieve as many marks in his exams as he can - and every single extra half hour of revision he can do, can get him extra marks.

Have you looked at the grade boundaries for his subjects, and his exam board, for last year? The year my eldest dc sat A levels, you only had to get 51 or 52 % correct, to get an A (in physics). I just couldn’t believe it - you could get nearly half of it wrong, or be unable to do nearly half of it, and still come out of it with an A.

It is so so worth him giving it his best shot, and seeing what he can do.

And see if he will trial other adhd meds, as pp’s have suggested - maybe do some research online about this (there may be some forum posts somewhere (maybe Reddit?) which talk about experiences of different adhd meds, and how side effects can vary.)

Sorry for long post - and good luck!!!

I agree with a pp about doing them just for the ucas points. If he did decide to pursue higher education in a few years even very low grades will get him onto a foundation year somewhere, when no grades won’t.

Super helpful, thank you so much. Given me enough encouragement and direction to push on through the next 6 weeks.

It’s not the next 6 weeks I’d be worried about. It is about what happens after he doesn’t even have school to go to. What’s the plan? He obviously can’t go travelling funded by his parents. That is something for kids who have given the slightest bit of effort.

Wow - I feel the pain. Very tricky motivating someone who is not bothered about the trappings of wealth and effectively content with doing nothing. I think what you doing is amazing and I would push through with exams and pick up the UCAS points as if nothing else - he will understand what it takes if he wants to re-sit in a year or two.

Is there any chance to send him abroad to a relative or similar for a job. Also I know someone said not to send him on a GAP year - but I do think a volunteer expedition or similar could actually be what makes someone realise what they actually have and re-set their minds.

I have a son who is also not very motivated and struggling to figure out how to even reward or incentivise him. Would love to hear people who have been successful here. Any luck with finding a coach or similar to connect with?

Once he has done the exams - letting him simply be for a few weeks with the caveat that he has to do 1 hr a week counselling and x hours of chores at home in return for living at home with no job... may be an idea to see whether he gets bored and suddenly wakes up.

My brother was similar and eventually after having to work in shit job and met a girl pulled his socks up at age 25.... He would possibly otherwise still be in my parents basemend.. content.

He's done the 2 years so he might as well sit the exams, there's nothing to lose by doing them. What i wouldn't do is have him do resits next year, it's very rare for students to do better I think and it would just waste another year. School isn't working for him so best to find something else IMO.

Is he doing comp sci if he's into building websites? Has he got a real talent in web design? Has he considered apprenticeships? It might be harder to get one with poor A-levels but if he's got a good lot of his own work he can show and fill up a CV with then it's worth giving it a go. He could apply for roles while taking a year out to try and get the business up and running. That gives him a back up at the end of the year.

Usually but a bit more complicated with kids who are ND. Difficult to say what is effort and what is simply not possible for him. From a logical point of view, I don't know why anyone would go out of their way to make their own life as as difficult as possible, which is basically what he has done. Not sure this is voluntary.

Ds18, asd, isn’t doing a-levels but is On a course at college, got the highest grade last year, this year he’s not been into college since beginning of February, he has panic attacks before he’s even left the bed and the nights before he’s supposed to go he can’t sleep. He’s very clever and his teacher absolutely loves his work but he has no motivation for the final project which is due next Friday, hasn’t even started it. I asked him straight did he just want to drop out now and he told me no, and then had idea so hopefully his teacher will agree to it. He has an echp plan but they’ve always given him an assistant that has no idea about the subject. They called him this morning which they are not supposed to do, it’s pissed him off because it woke him up.
And I hadn’t seen him all night since dinner at 5. He’s come downstairs in a bad mood and gone back to his room slamming doors etc. then he told me he punched a load of stuff off his desk. This is the effect college has on him, the travelling, the times. He has social anxiety aswell. Every Wednesday since October he’s been like tonight and honestly it’s having an effect on my mental health too. Thankfully after next week it won’t be a problem. I know he’ll never be able to work. Not in a customer facing role anyway. I have a small business idea that I might include him in as designing is his thing.