Do we complain to the headteacher?

[FlemCandango]

I have a DD y11 with a (very new) EHCP. Due to her stage of education we have had the annual review meeting this week though it has only been in place a couple of months.

Dd is autistic, has ADHD and is highly anxious. Despite this she has been able to take on a full set of GCSEs, has done very well in recent mocks, is very well behaved and well liked by her teachers. Her effort grades are high, she is well behaved.

The SENCO has been a difficult person to deal with throughout. He is abrasive and defensive and I don't like him. Despite this I was approaching the review meeting positively, my perception was that DD had more support in place, this was having a positive effect. The execution isn't perfect, but overall there was a lot to celebrate. I appreciate the efforts of the staff and of my daughter.

So the meeting happens, DD is at school with SENCO and TA, me and DH join virtually from home. There is a long discussion of post 16 options, a heavy emphasis on looking at other 6 forms/ colleges. Discussion of the A levels she would like to do all ok.

Then the teacher comments report is brought out and has not been shared with us prior. So we are trying to read it on a shared screen. Some concerns from teachers - comments about DD being "very very worried" and visibly anxious in class, lots of positive comments about progress as well. Then the discussion is hi-jacked by the TA/ SENCO saying DD is sometimes rude to TAs trying to help DD in class. This has not been discussed with us beforehand, no warning and no concrete examples. Just a very blunt criticism.

Unsurprisingly this floors DD, she is already visibly anxious in the meeting and uncomfortable. She tries to apologise and is not sure what they mean. No context or examples are given so she is not sure how to respond. Me and DH are witnessing our daughter dissolve into tears and distress on screen. We try to intervene, saying how inappropriate this is as DD has a social communication disorder ffs - she needs support and a much kinder approach. Constructive criticism is fine - that was not constructive and I cannot think what they wanted to achieve. If they wanted to upset us and DD then they did!

The SENCO responded to our saying this was inappropriate by saying he disagrees, without explanation. He doubles down on saying DD comes over as rude, again without any examples or suggestions for what she could do instead of whatever it is they are saying is rude!

Dd is allowed to leave so she can return to her maths lesson, still crying at this point, we have tried to offer reassurance over the screen.

My husband has to leave to go to a meeting. I am left with dickhead the SENCO to finish with a rush through of the changes the school has made to the text of the EHCP.

He hastily alters on screen while I am watching a paragraph where they have added a line saying DD is rude to the TAs, changing the wording to inadvertently abrupt sometimes. I am then completely aware that the criticism wasn't a poor choice of words in error but premeditated. It is so disheartening.

I left the meeting having lost all confidence in the SENCO, despite the fact that there has been progress since DD got her EHCP. I feel sad for DD who had a very difficult day but stayed in school and went in today.

The SENCO literally shat on a meeting that should have been positive! Wtf.

I think, firstly, it would be useful for you to be emailed the actual feedback rather than trying to read them on a shared screen with not control over timings.

I think you have grounds for going up the line.

I really feel for your DD who is doing her best, and the powers at be in school don't think this is good enough.

Absolutely take it further. You shouldn't have had any "surprises" thrown at you like that. You should have seen the reports beforehand so you could be prepared to ask any questions etc. I hope your DD is feeling a bit better when she gets home from school

That's awful.
I agree with sending a communication to the HT. Keep it factual, make suggestions e.g. about sharing required info before the meeting, about providing examples of what's considered rude and how else to deal with that particular situation... But while keeping your emotions out of it, be clear that your daughter was seriously distressed by the way the meeting was run. Its not about whether or not she should have been there, it's about the way it was run.

I wouldn't dwell on rudeness. An autistic child doesn't always have the same filter, so can be abrupt, but their intention is not to be rude.

The comments from staff are appropriate she is visibly anxious. I have no idea why you would take issue with that

Do you think teachers aren't trying to address that within lessons?

Thank you all.

My DD like most anxious ASD/ADHD girls is sometimes abrupt, sometimes dismissive and often self centered and so are most teenagers for that matter! That is not surprising to me and shouldn't be to a TA they can work with DD to help her improve her interaction. Give her a card to hold up when she needs to be left alone or give some stock phrases. It is not a one way street. She has an EHCP for a reason

I am not sure what you mean Maddy68 I have no issues with the teacher comments. It was when the ta/ SENCO told DD she was rude that we had an issue. That was not in the teacher comments document.

Is your DD doing anything to help with her anxiety, eg Zones of Regulation?

Rereading your OP, your DD is definitely being short-changed. The school will be receiving a lot of money for your DD, and should hire robust TAs with this.

All reports should be circulated two weeks prior to the review so you should have no surprises and have chance to challenge anything you perceive as unfair. I would write to SENCo copying HT and remind him of the timeline of the AR process here, point out where he has so far failed to meet it and ask that the situation is reviewed as had they met the timelines your dd wouldn't have been put in a posiyion to be embarrassed and upset

It is a long post and the story is not easy to explain so I hope my op makes sense. Apologies if I am not clear.

How awful of the senco, I've lost trust in most sencos I've dealt with now... Ds has had 4 since he started his primary school as they seem to change them constantly.

He should have spoke to you about these concerns prior to the meeting without your Dd present. Or only brought your Dd in for a set amount of time in the annual review so you could have spoke about it. When Ds has annual reviews, he's only present for some of it.

Ds would have also got very upset in this situation.

I don't have any advice. If you don't get anywhere complaining to the head, perhaps contact the sen/EHCP department at your local authority and complain. She has an EHCP so you would be in your right to do so.

I don't have much else to advise, sorry.

I don’t have experience of this but it definitely needs to be addressed pdq. And your dd must get some kind of an apology from the school. This could affect her grades by the sound of it. The SENCO sounds poorly suited for the role.

You absolutely have grounds to discuss with HT. They need to be made aware.

Report should have been emailed to you prior.

Crikey, OP I totally get you and feel for you. I'm reading this and honestly so angry on your behalf I feel like the SENCO should be sacked. He certainly doesn't sound like the right sort of fit for the job to say the very least. I'd definitely take it up with HT and try to keep it factual as other have said. Not bloody easy though when you know how much of a profound effect this kind of thing has on kids with Anxiety / ASD etc.

for you and your poor DD

My DD has severe anxiety and is currently undergoing assessment for ASD. She's only 10. I'd be horrified if I thought this sort of interaction is what we had to 'look forward to' in her teenage years.

@FlemCandango

It is a long post and the story is not easy to explain so I hope my op makes sense. Apologies if I am not clear.

Please don't worry. You are very clear. I think sometimes AIBU isn't always the most sympathetic place for such a sensitive / specialist issue. But I totally get why you'd post here.

What is deemed rude in Britain is very subjective. Ive come to the conclusion its just a word to shut (particularly young) people down and shame them any time a conversation doesnt go EXACTLY the way the adult thinks it should.

Thank you rainbow I appreciate that.

I was unsure where to post this but I really needed a sanity check on my thoughts. I can cope with blunt. And like it or not aibu gives you blunt and does produce quick responses! 🤷

Totally clear, and as someone up thread said, discuss this with the HT for definite.

I’d also be raising the fact that - from what you said about other colleges being mentioned- that he seems to be trying to manage her out.

I’m a teacher in secondary and usually these threads make me despair but this time you are right! That man does not sound like he is suitable to the SEN department at all! It’s such a shame because a good SENCo and team can make such a difference to pupils. I would certainly be raising this!
Also, I’m not an expert in the ins and outs of these documents as I don’t work specifically in SEN but I believe you are supposed to see documents before a meeting, to give you time to take in the info before it’s discussed! Willing to be corrected on this though!

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

What is deemed rude in Britain is very subjective. Ive come to the conclusion its just a word to shut (particularly young) people down and shame them any time a conversation doesnt go EXACTLY the way the adult thinks it should.

Absolutely to this!

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

What is deemed rude in Britain is very subjective. Ive come to the conclusion its just a word to shut (particularly young) people down and shame them any time a conversation doesnt go EXACTLY the way the adult thinks it should.

You are so right about that!

Thank you MrsR87 it is helpful to have a teacher's perspective on this.

I think considering she has just been through 2 lockdowns, is generally well behaved and hard-working they should have let it go.

Do you think she might be better working independently in lessons? She may feel awkward having someone sitting there with her, and it's just coming across as her being rude. If academically she is able to then she may prefer to just do the work in the lessons.

I think it's difficult when you can see on screen she's crying and then they just send her back to maths. He sounds like he was rather brusque in manner.

Hopefully she has a plan and can focus on that in a positive way. Maybe get her head of year/tutor to follow up and check she is OK?

I'm also a teacher leading on careers and wouldn't have sent her back like that into lessons.

I agree with @StrictlyAFemaleFemale. Young people need to be able to express themselves, make judgements on what is OK and not, without being called rude or abrupt. I can't stand it when people say young people have to be submissive to older people. It creates an unhealthy hierarchy which is now making your DD doubt herself and feel as if she is doing something wrong when she isn't.

It would break my heart to see my DD break down like that over video link, and I think you should absolutely not let the SENCO get away with it. Respect is something to earned, and it doesn't come automatically with age. I think your DD handled herself very well.