Autistic son (17 yrs, HFA) badly wants friends

[woodcutbirds]

I posted this in the parenting Teens section but am posting here too in the hope people can help me help DS.

DS (aged almost 17) has been very stressed recently. He bottles emotions very tightly. He has high functioning autism (HFA) and finds it hard to express how he feels.

Today it came out that he really longs to have a social life. His neurotypical twin brother is very popular - always off at parties, does loads of afterschool clubs, excels at a sport at national level. My gorgeous DS is funny, clever, kind, has loads of interests - music, politics, comedy, art, drama. He gets on OK with people at school. People 'like' him. And he masks his autism so well (thorugh choice) that most people don't know he has it.

But he never gets close enough to people that he is invited to parties or included in social outings very often. Recently his brother got him an invite to a simple pizza night at his friends house and now DS is saying he wishes those people were also his friends. they are so funny and kind and laid back. (It's true his twin brother does have exceptionally lovely friends.) I knwo from the past that people he considers close frineds barely register him as an acquaintance (eg I overheard boys he invited birthday parties whispering to each other 'Why are you here - do you know him at all?' 'Not really.' And yet these were people he considerec close because he maybe sat with them at lunch a few times a week. To him, that's friendship. To them, it's just lunchtime.

i don't know what to do. I don't ever want his brother to feel he I has to persuade friends to include DS; he's not his keeper. And I don't want DS to wish he had his brother's life (which he does. Because his brother is taller, more academic, more sporty, more popular and he just feels so much in his shadow.)

Right now, I'm on the brink of tears, wishing I could create a social life for him. He just wants to be invited to a few parties, and have someone to go to music festivals with. People seem to keep him at a distance, but I really am not sure why. He is very funny and thoughtful towards others. His autism really doesn't stop him recognising other people's needs. He can be quite 'flat' in his voice and body language. As though he's deeply fed up. And he's incredibly shy so doesn't give off a vibe of wanting to have fun.

Sorry - long post. But what can I do to help him?

Oh bless him. He sounds lovely!! I don't really know what to suggest other than perhaps joining a youth group or a club related to any hobbies he has? What kind of music does he like? Could his twin try and involve him more in any social occasions?

I’m adult diagnosed with autism, but would have been HFA in previous years. I attend events but feel like I’m on the outside looking in as soon as it becomes unstructured or off the topic of the meeting/group. I’m clumsy when I try to be friendly.

When you say masking what do you mean? Did your DS get any social skills training?

susan - thanks for your reply. He does belong to a music group but keeps saying he wants to quit. Other people stay for a year then move on. He's been going for five years now and most are younger than him. I think he feels a bit stuck there, and it's never turned into a social group. We thought it would but it hasn't. They just play then go.

Singalong thanks for your reply. Yes, he does have social skills training - didn't really exist when we were young. But he's very shy. And when he's surrounded by people making arrangements to do social things, he doesn't know how to get included. (Tbh, nor do I, and I'm neurotypical.) It's hard, isn;t it? What do you think would help you?

Now I have no idea what would help. There is nothing available here anyway so I’ve given up. I know more about people with lots of additional needs, nothing about what might have helped me.

Singalong - I think it is particularly hard for people with HFA. There are fewer resources available.

I read this with interst as my son is 12 and HFA. Like your child he knows lots of people but not well enough to get invited out socially. He definitely feels lonely and struggles to interact appropriately with his peers.
He masks his autism well too but people his own age find him annoying. There is a school outing coming up and I know he will have no one to sit next to on the coach journey and it makes me really sad :( because he is a great lad if you get to know him

vickibee - that's what upsets me too. I can see what a great person he is. How funny and kind and thoughtful. He's affectionate and witty and interested in the world. He'd make a great mate if only he was given half a chance.

Would he be interested in playing Warhammer (or another table top role playing game)? Its really easy to join a group as they are run at Games Workshop, and as it is all about playing the game its easy to join in too - and the game is rules driven. Once you can play, you get into other groups and they are more social as in played at peoples houses

I wish he would CMOT. We have £££ worth of half finished Warhammer. He used ot love it. Right now he thinks it's babyish. He wants to be with the cool kids, going to parties and cracking jokes, but given time I'm sure he'll find a group like that.

We are in a very similar situation with our 14 year old. He is currently being assessed for ASD. He is so unhappy tonight and we wish we knew how to help him.

He is so socially isolated. He has no friends at school or out of school. He says nobody wants to talk to him or spend anytime with him. He spends every lunchtime alone. He is desperate to find his people and have at least one person he could consider a friend.

I can totally understand your situation, it's certainly not easy to deal with, I wish I had some answers.

Punxatawney I'm so sorry your son is going through this. It's mystifying when you know they are such lovely people. I hope things improve for him soon.

I was having a conversation about this with my mum today. My dd, who is autistic, recently told me she would like more friends. I decided to encourage her to enjoy her own company because I can't create a social life for her. I am also autistic, I'm 34 and I don't have one single friend. I find it impossible to maintain relationships. I am intelligent and funny and kind, people often say that I'm interesting and that they enjoy talking to me but no one wants to spend time with me socially. This may be hard to hear and I'm sorry if it causes upset but being autistic does make any relationship hard, in work, socially and romantically. If your son wants to go to gigs then encourage him to go alone, people will pass the time of day with him. I go out alone to the cinema, to bars, even karaoke nights and I always find someone to chat to. I make a good first impression but turning that into something more meaningful is beyond me, accepting that has made me happier.

Hi, I'm not sure if this is any help
www.gigbuddies.org.uk

I have a 15 year old DS in exactly the same position. He plays and excels at disability sports most nights but there is no one in those groups who he would like to be friends with. He’s smart, energetic, good looking (not important but he really is 😂)

He has ASD, ADHD, PTSD and cannot regulate his emotions. He can go from chilled and smiling to trembling and scared or angry at the drop of a hat.

Short of starting up an ASD “Be my friend” club, I don’t have a clue how to help him!

@NineteenForever thank you so much for that gigbuddies link. That's a brilliant find. I'm going to investigate that.
@MumUnderTheMoon that's good advice to enjoy your own company. But I just don't understand why he is friendless. He is very kind and intuitive as well as funny. He doesn't have rages. Though he does have social anxiety.

Of course you don't understand why he's your child. The fact is people on the spectrum are a little "off beat" and children especially don't know what to do with that so they just avoid dealing with us.

I understand what you are saying @MumUnderTheMoon but I still don't really see why DS1 is so popular and DS2 isn't. Both of them are eccentric. Both are quite intense and serious with offbeat sense of humour, unusual taste in clothes and music. So why is one getting endless invites to parties and the other can't even firm up going to see a film?
But maybe I don't spot the difference easily. DH is Aspergic, so is my closest friend so my grasp of what works for most people is a bit off.

Well I commented on this thread on 29/03 and things have got progressively worse with Ds. Tonight he is going to visit a local youth group for teenagers with ASD and social difficulties. He is terribly anxious and doesn't want to go but I have managed to persuade him. He is so lonely and unhappy I'm hoping this might be the start of something that may work for him, fingers crossed.

@Coleoptera - we really do have a lot in common. DS2 is so sure life will automatically begin when he goes to uni. He has no idea how tough it is to cope 24/7 away from everything and everyone you know, let alone make friends with like-minded souls who include you in all their social whirl. I am scared he'll get very disappointed.

@Punxsutawney good luck to your DS tonight. I really hope he has a good time. The anxiety is an issue, isn't it? DS just freezes up, won't make eye contact, answers in monosyllables etc.

DS2 has had a bit of a breakthrough. I had a word with his brother and asked if he could sometimes include him in hsi social circle. He's now been out about once a month, with his brother, mixing with his brother's friends. He has immediately assumed they are now his own closest friends, which scares me for him because he's made that assumption before as soon as someone even mentions going to pick up a snack at Sainsburys he thinks it's a sign of lasting friendship. But at least they are nice people and happy to include him some of the time.

Pleased for you Ds Wood that there has been a little breakthrough, I hope it will lead to more activities for him.

Ds got on ok at the youth group. They were a lovely group of teenagers and the volunteers are great and have worked with autistic kids for most of their careers. It was difficult watching him there though. He struggles with even basic conversation and communication and most of the other kids were better socially. The staff had to intervene quite a few times to try and guide him to join in. He was incredibly anxious and I not surprised really. We are going to try and perservere with the group. It's a safe environment for him to learn some social skills.

Ds has no support at school (they have really let him down) so finding this group feels like we might be able to make some progress.

Hope things continue to improve for your Ds wood, it's still a worry though.

Punxsutawney - that sounds like quite a good start. If the leaders are trained and helping him join in, it will get easier, so long as he keeps going. My heart goes out to him, not having had help. DS's school has been supportive and that has made a difference to him. Still hard. But must be so much more challenging without support. I really hope this youth club is the start. Maybe the people who run it might know of some other help in your area that you could access?
We totally relied on school. The local NHS provision was non existent. We were given one 'workshop' where we were told a list of things to expect (we all knew all about them already!) and then told that the person dealing with our area was on permanent sick leave so sorry, that's it. For life. But maybe your NHS area has better provision if you drag it out of them.

Sounds like your son's school is on the ball wood. I feel like I have let Ds down as far as school goes. I have been trying to persuade him to move since year 7. He has always refused even though he is dreadfully unhappy, he says he can't deal with the change. School have let him down though, they won't work or communicate with us. Things just seem to be getting worse, another email has gone unanswered last week as Ds struggles more and more.

Our NHS Trust don't offer much. They have an autism pathway practitioner who runs one workshop for parents whose children are being assessed. I have contacted her a couple of times for advice but she is dealing with a huge amount of families. Ds has a great NHS OT who has written a report for school, not sure how much of that will be taken on board though. We are still waiting for his speech and language assessment, it will be another two months yet. I can't see him getting a diagnosis much before the autumn.

Like you say I don't think there will be any support from the NHS after that anyway. After seeing Ds at the group the other night I suddenly realised that things are going to be different in the future than we had imagined for him when he was little, I guess the road is a slightly different one. Still if we can get him the support he needs I hope he will be able to reach his potential.

I guess you have the worry of university on the horizon, we have a few years yet before Ds needs to make those kind of decisions. It must be really difficult for you as his twin brother gets on with growing up and becoming more independent. I wish there was more advice for parents of teens with ASD.

Sorry, I've put another long post on your thread!

Punx it's fine to put a long post on here. This is a good place to discuss our concerns. We're all in the same situation here.

I wondered about moving DS several times when he was younger. He was so unhappy. It wasn't the school, though,. It was just that he was old enough to start to notice that he was different and struggled to fit in, to understand certain lessons etc.

If I was you, I'd just chip away at the school every way you can to try and find one or two people who are on his side and will stand up for him. Try everyone from the school counsellor, learning support or SENCO if they have any of these, to his form tutor, Head of Year, Head of Learning, Head teacher.

Insist on a meeting. I can help by telling you what a good school does, because our school did it.
Once he had a diagnosis, a letter was sent round to ALL his teachers. It said
Woodcut has been diagnosed with Aspbergers and ADD.
Please understand that he will struggle to focus if there is a lot going on in the classroom in terms of background noise.
He will struggle to participate in group sessions and may produce little or no work under these conditions as he is concentrating so hard on fitting in and gauging how others are behaving.

He cannot process information given to him in passing.
All homework set MUST be emailed to him or accessible in full detail on the school intranet. He isn't lazy, he just cannot remember information unless it is written down.
Please use clear, unambiguous language with him. Don;t say 'Get your skates on' if you mean, 'The school bus is leaving in two minutes, put your things in your bag.' You need to say what you actually want him to do.
he has processing issues. Don;t tell him to do more than one, or maximum things at a time. E.g. If you ask him to copy work from the board, put it in his folder and leave the folder on your desk he will not be able to complete all three without prompting.

That sort of thing. I noticed overnight that a lot of teachers who had been very cool with him and thought he was a lazy kid who tuned out changed their opinions and went out of their way to be clearer. Which in turn made him happier. The truth is, a lot of people including teachers have no clue at all what it's like to be Aspergic and no idea how to communicate effectively with people with ASD.

It took DH and me years. We were always saying; 'Get a wriggle on' or 'You getting on OK up there?' when what we meant was: we need to leave in five minutes or we'll miss the train. Clean your teeth and put your shoes on.'

I think all these tiny misunderstandings lead ASD people to shut down socially. It's SO hard to navigate through all the metaphorical language and banter people use. even though DS is really good now at jokes and irony, when he is tired he reverts to being literal. It makes me realise how hard he concentrates usually just to make sense of us all.

Thanks for the relpy wood. We have had a couple of meetings and Ds has a differentiation plan. But most of the time it doesn't seem actually make any difference. They have said they will only put him on the sen register (not sure what that means anyway) if he gets a diagnosis. I asked for a regular point of contact for him but they said it was a waste of time because he wouldn't communicate.

We sent an email last week saying we feel let down and lost and that things are getting worse for Ds but no reply. I just expected them to acknowledge it even if they didn't deal with it straight away. Ds is now entitled to a laptop but has been refusing as he has been picked on and doesn't want to look different. He sits alone everyday at lunchtime and finds it overwhelming as things often get violent and rowdy around him. He has had things stolen and has had his clothes scribbled on with pen. Ds can't cope with children behaving badly in the classroom either, he hates it. They don't seem to realise how much these issue are impacting him. The OT mentioned in her report about his social isolation at school to try and help us get some support for him. Like Ds says no one at school cares and he's right I think, nobody does.

Ds has work experience starting tomorrow, as you can imagine he is terribly anxious. I asked the school last year to help him organise a placement that would work for him. They didn't, we ended up finding somewhere who are understanding of his difficulties. Not one member of staff in school last week checked in with Ds to see how he was feeling about it. Surely anyone with a little understanding of ASD and anxiety would know that something like this would cause huge amounts of worry for a 14 year old. He's managing his anxiety today not sure what the morning will bring though.

I know what you mean about the concentration. I sometimes forget how much harder even normal everyday things are for Ds. Ds does need clear instructions at home at school. I often wonder if he has processing issues but the school say no. Ds says he struggles with memory problems but the school have done some dyslexia screening (which I know he doesn't have) and said all ok. We have gcses this time next year so I hope that things improve soon.

It's good to talk to people in the same situation, it can be quite a lonely process and it's interesting to hear what works for others. Thanks for the advice wood.