Autistic son (17 yrs, HFA) badly wants friends

[woodcutbirds]

I posted this in the parenting Teens section but am posting here too in the hope people can help me help DS.

DS (aged almost 17) has been very stressed recently. He bottles emotions very tightly. He has high functioning autism (HFA) and finds it hard to express how he feels.

Today it came out that he really longs to have a social life. His neurotypical twin brother is very popular - always off at parties, does loads of afterschool clubs, excels at a sport at national level. My gorgeous DS is funny, clever, kind, has loads of interests - music, politics, comedy, art, drama. He gets on OK with people at school. People 'like' him. And he masks his autism so well (thorugh choice) that most people don't know he has it.

But he never gets close enough to people that he is invited to parties or included in social outings very often. Recently his brother got him an invite to a simple pizza night at his friends house and now DS is saying he wishes those people were also his friends. they are so funny and kind and laid back. (It's true his twin brother does have exceptionally lovely friends.) I knwo from the past that people he considers close frineds barely register him as an acquaintance (eg I overheard boys he invited birthday parties whispering to each other 'Why are you here - do you know him at all?' 'Not really.' And yet these were people he considerec close because he maybe sat with them at lunch a few times a week. To him, that's friendship. To them, it's just lunchtime.

i don't know what to do. I don't ever want his brother to feel he I has to persuade friends to include DS; he's not his keeper. And I don't want DS to wish he had his brother's life (which he does. Because his brother is taller, more academic, more sporty, more popular and he just feels so much in his shadow.)

Right now, I'm on the brink of tears, wishing I could create a social life for him. He just wants to be invited to a few parties, and have someone to go to music festivals with. People seem to keep him at a distance, but I really am not sure why. He is very funny and thoughtful towards others. His autism really doesn't stop him recognising other people's needs. He can be quite 'flat' in his voice and body language. As though he's deeply fed up. And he's incredibly shy so doesn't give off a vibe of wanting to have fun.

Sorry - long post. But what can I do to help him?

I'm so sorry. It sounds like a really unsupportive atmosphere. It's hard enough without a school that has no pastoral care in place.

At least he has you. I know that might not feel much but it is so vital that they can come back from school to a calm and loving environment.

If he can make friends at the youth club, school won't be so important. Would he believe you if you told him these people don't matter at all long term. If he gets his head down and gets good grades, he can think about where he'd like to go for sixth form. He won't want or need to be wasting time with people who isolate him and write on his clothes.

I'm cross for you and your DS, Punx. DS's primary school was like this - no proper pastoral care, didn't give a damn how DS felt. It was up to him to fit in etc. It can feel so bleak. But he's got the youth club and work experience. These things will add up to give him a life outside school. Small steps.

Dyslexia and processing/memory issues don't necessarily have anything to do with each other. The school should know that. DS isn't dyslexic either.

I've told him that life won't always be like this and things can get better. Managed to get him to work experience this morning. He was very anxious and need a huge amount of reassurance. He also said his work clothes felt uncomfortable. He asked me to walk there with him even though it's only 5 mins walk from home. But he's there and I have given them the heads up so hopefully they won't mind if he doesn't communicate much. I'm proud of him, it was difficult but he did it.

Sorry again wood for monopolising the thread about your Ds and thanks for listening!

It's fine. Maybe his work clothes are uncomfortable, ASD people are very sensitive to labels and seams and clothes rubbing. DS tried on so many suits before he found one he could bear to wear for sixth form.

@woodcutbirds your post really stuck a chord with me as your asd son sounds very like my 17:year old too. He 'd really like a big social group, enjoys the banter but never gets invited to anything socially. He has one 'good' friend from school who my son waits on him texting and then rushes around to his house but it's all on this other boys say so, so occasionally he drops my son for weeks at a time.
There's no way he'd entertain a special needs youth group, that's not how he sees himself! He too thinks his life will change when hopefully he goes to uni in 2020, maybe it will but i can also see him being unable to leave his room!
I just don't know how to help him!

@lennonj - the only thing I can think of to help him is to teach him as many strategies for emotional resilience as I can. Ways to look after himself and cheer himself up if he is disappointed; ways to plan events and imagine scenarios as win-win rather than black or white; ways to attempt to broaden his social circle. Mainly, he doesn't listen because his black and white thinking means he decides in advance whether something will happen/be right for him etc, but over time, some of this stuff will sink in.

It reminds me of teaching him to eat a wide range of foods. I read that for most NT children, you have to introduce a new food 20 times before they'll try it, with ASD children it's 2000 times! I kept putting food on his plate for twelve years that he would n;t touch, then finally he did and now he eats as wide a range of foods as most NT people. I think the same is true of emotional intelligence strategies. Just keep explaining how to behave/react/interpret/care for yourself post-disappointment and eventually it sticks. The upside is that the logical part of their brains will store info. Like many ASD teens, he went through a stage where hygiene was an issue. I remember telling him he had to wash under his arms by doing 20 circles of rubbing with soap and 20 rinsing soap off. That precise detail made sense to him and he stopped smelling after that. I really do think there are aspects of social interaction and care that can be similarly taught. Not perfect scenarios, but an improvement on letting them fend for themselves in a big, ugly NT world.

Hello folks

Mum to 18 year old Asperger's son with no friends. Relies on me heavily for his social life and to take him out, but it's got to the stage he really doesn't want to be with his mum all the time and I feel for him. I'd too like time to myself, too much to ask after 18 years and he's not my only one?!. The Aspergers also causes obsessions and he's obsessed with touching my hair and being repetitive.

He also had major surgery last year which was made more traumatic with the Aspergers, a whole other story. He too also goes to an special needs youth group. Lovely young adults, lots with Asperger's but they all seem to keep themselves to themselves outside of the club, my son included, although he wants a social life?! I'm lucky I work term time in a school although sometimes I wish I worked in the private sector without the long holidays so he'd have to sort himself out, he's an intelligent lad. Maybe I'm awful for saying this but sometimes I think - have I made his life too easy by always being there and he hasn't got to make an effort?!

I too have an older one who isn't on the spectrum, at uni, lots of friends, you know how it is!

Class I know what you mean. Whether ASD or NT they all have to get out of their comfortable space and make an effort to be sociable. Can you suggest he invites three people from youth club around for pizza and gaming or a film night? You could hover in the back ground. Then maybe suggest next time they go out to the cinema or out for pizza together. Just gently nudge him to be active. I know it's easier said than done. DS2's lovely brother basically sorted him out a bit recently. DS2 was too anxious to invite people over, so DS1 invited some of his friends over and included DS2 and they all got on.

woodcutbirds thank you that's a good idea. Maybe I'll wait till eldest is home in summer and see what they can sort out together like you did. Sometimes the obvious is staring you in the face!

I did pay for a private therapist to do some work with my son which I think he found useful but he couldn't see her forever and I'm not sure he's still using our remembered techniques she taught him! He's certainly not interested in chatting to us about his situation and quickly retreats to his room if we try and talk. I think it's just a matter of drip feeding with him and hoping he'll eventually meet his people! I did suggest an arranged marriage to get him a girlfriend which he was quite keen on

Just joining in my DS is 18 ASD. He’s hopefully going to university in September.

He’s retaking A levels so has spent a year at home studying. As a result he’s had very little social life.

Lifesavers have been his older brother who is currently on a 3 day a week course so is at home half of the week and also his online gaming friends.

He moved schools at 6th form and made a small group of friends, these friends game online with another group so he games with a group of about 10. Half of them live about 120 miles away but he sometimes meets up with them and they are going to a gaming thing in Germany in the summer.

It’s been a big leap of faith for us, letting him meet up with people we don’t know, but I hear him chatting to them all when he’s gaming and even though I know they are all sitting on their own in their own homes, they are having fun, laughing, singing, chatting the way proper friends do.

I’m really anxious about how he will cope at university and worry that he will be just sitting in his room on his own, but I know he’s got his online friends to fall back on.

It’s so hard being a parent, my older DS is very sociable and makes friends easily and I just wish it was easier for DS2 he’s such a lovely young man if only he could get through the difficulty of making friends in real life, it’s heartbreaking at times.

Itscold I know what you mean about the leap of faith, allowing them to meet up with online friends. But that's one of the few successful social things DS has done. he has a niche interest group of online friends and they meet a few times a year - maybe three or four. He has loved it when it happens, but it's very sporadic. First time they met up, DH and I dropped him off and then waited for five hours, mooching around the neighbourhood, to ensure he was safe.

woodcutbirds I’m glad to hear we aren’t alone.
Last year my DH took him to view a university and he asked if he could stay overnight nearby with his friends we’d never met, we let him do it, 8 of them all with computers stayed up all night in the host boys sitting room (the mum was there) we picked him up the next day.
I’ve still not met most of these boys but he’s talking about hosing a gaming night here after his exams so I may finally get to meet them!
Luckily (so far) my DS hasn’t ever felt sad about not having many friends, he seemed to just accept that he didn’t get invited to parties when he was younger. Scouts was a great help when he was younger.
He’s been lucky as he went to a very quirky small private secondary school so he didn’t really stand out, there were other awkward boys and girls and it was very child centred and supportive.
University feels much scarier to me 😳

@Coleoptera I have only now see =n your post and feel awful that you wrote it and no one responded for so long. This thread had dropped off my threads-I'm-on list, maybe because I've named changed (was woodcutbirds.)

I am so so sorry to hear how hard it is. I feel sick reading your post because it so precisely chimes with our experience. Except in one thing. I had a word with DT1 and asked him to simply invite DT2 along to a party next time he went. He did. And it seems to have worked. DT1 who is popular, has implied where I go my twin goes too and his friends have just accepted it. DS2 has been invited to a few get togethers. DS1 is now away all summer and I am pretty sure this will entirely fizzle out in his absence and am steeling myself for the disappointment, but this last term has been a breakthrough for DS2.

Just like your son, I know DS2 banks on reinventing himself at uni. I've started to be very direct with him and say things like: your tone of voice is sending me the message that you are really upset about something and not telling me. Is this true?
DS2: No. I'm fine.
Me: OK so you really need to brighten your tone because people will misread you. Lighten and brighten your voice now please.

I've got blunt because if he wants to reinvent himself he has to start practising NOW. No idea if this will work but I realise the more I protect and cosset him the less likely he is to thrive out there and the time when he has to is getting closer.

@Coleoptera, PM me if you want to chat more about this.

OP, you’re not alone. I have a son with HFA who is 18. He is friendless and desperate to fit in.

I cried like a child today in front of a social worker I’d never met before. Every day, it breaks my heart.

MissKitty, that sounds hard. Sorry to hear you were so upset.

I last commented on this thread back in May and things are no better with Ds. He's now turned 15 and still just as unhappy and lonely. He has a little more support and understanding at school now but nothing has changed with his social isolation there. Ds still goes to his asd youth group but will only stay for an hour. Its a start but he doesn't really enjoy it. He's now had his autism assessment but he is still waiting for a date for a review appointment before they will give him a diagnosis. Could be another six months yet. He is not wanting to come out of his room much during the summer holidays. The saying 'you're only as happy as your unhappiest child' really resonates with me.

Such a shame these young people are so isolated. There seems to be so little support too.

My DS14 has HFA and doesn't really want to socialise much at the moment, but I try to (gently) push him into it when I can.

Not sure whether this would be of any help to you, but the Scouts and the Army Cadets have been a real godsend to us. DS spends time with kids his age, taking part in structured activities with clear instructions and expectations. Both organisations have been very accommodating of his needs.

@Punxsutawney, DS was the same. We must have tried every group going and sadly, he just didn’t want to do them. Even now, professionals hand me reams of A4 paper with “groups” on but DS just says “I’m not like that; I don’t want to do colouring in and crafts” 😐

He has two PAs who will come to watch films with him or play Wii but peer friendships? Impossible. Elusive as the unicorn.

@ElPontifico😊. We’ve tried Beavers and Scouts, church groups, gaming groups, bowling with an autism outreach group, football, trampolining, art classes (he’s very good), Stagecoach, gymnastics.

MissKitty, it sounds like he has tried loads. It's so difficult seeing your child so isolated and unhappy. Has he been to college or sixth form?

I can see us being in a similar situation over the coming years. Ds has zero friends and zero aspirations for the future. He doesn't enjoy anything, it's hard to see him so down. He is a very bright young man that struggles with even basic communication. I keep hoping that he will fnd his way/people at some point but when I hear of other young people in similar circumstances I worry that he is going to have a difficult future. We are back to see the paediatrician in September so I'm going to ask about any kind of support that might be available but to be honest I'm not holding out much hope.

Kitty I do hope that your Ds finds something that means he can start to build relationships and find some social interaction. I think it's hard for anyone to understand unless they have struggled with a child who has communication and social interaction issues. I see Ds's peers maturing and becoming more independent and Ds has just been completely left behind. It is heartbreaking.

@Puxatawney you’re right. We think along the exact same lines.

He got into trouble tonight. He went for a walk (he’s 18, I can’t lock him in the house). Someone reported him for “hanging about” and “looking odd”.

I do hope your boy finds where he fits. Mine too.

Hello mum to nearly 14 hf asd here
I know I’m late to this thread but wanted to suggest something.
My son weekly boards at a special school for hf with communication difficulties, he is there mon to Friday, it sucks having him away but he is thriving. He stays in the school house week nights lots of social interactions school teaches independence skills, friendships ect and it has a 16 and post 19 that goes up to 25 ( independent living house with support nearby). It was the best decision we ever made. I know boarding is not for everyone but is an avenue worth exploring as many of these types of schools do summer camps ect?

I'm thinking of waiting the couple of months till my son is18 then getting him referred as it looks like the NHS run an Aspergers service.
My son seems to be getting worse socially as he is trying to be more independent his social skills are not developed enough! He went to a uni run autism summer school recently for a few days and said he couldn't really speak to anyone. I was hoping that by being amongst other young people with autism (which he hasn't before) he would feel this was a safe space to interact especially as supported by staff.
There's nothing he's interested in that has a club, heavy metal, watching tv!!
He does want to go to uni next year but i just can't see how he will cope as he will retreat to his room as the safest option.
Just hoping we can get some support over the next year.

Hi, I’m a yoga teacher that specialises in classes for children, teenagers and young adults with autism. Have you ever tried bringing him to a yoga class. It really helps to calm them down and let them think about there feelings in a safe place and can help them release any tension they are holding both physically and mentally.
I would say it’s definitely worth a try if it’s somethjng he would be into or you could even get a yoga teacher 1:1 at your home with him? However if you find a class like mine that is full of teens with autism it’s a chance for him to find some friends as well.
Thanks
Hope this helps

Just jumping in here to say this all sounds so much like my 17 yo ds. He is well liked but friendless. His younger brother has a fabulous social life. My heart breaks for him and I worry about the future. He actually has been invited to a party this weekend (the first one is 4 years!). I don't think he's realised the significance of only being invited the day before, but I'm still so pleased for him. I suggested he texts someone else who lives nearby so they could travel to the party together and it is just impossible for him to do so, due to his social block. So I'm left wondering if I'm encouraging him to do something that's inappropriate (how do I know how teens arrange stuff, and who he knows well enough to approach?).
It is comforting to find a thread with so many parents with a similar situation.