The Goose and Carrot July Edition

[Lougle]

All welcome, and everything disappears after 90 days.

Wondered why I couldn't post!
To answer a question from the previous thread @blueandwhiteporcelain we are looking at day schools but they are all either full, won't even see him, or rejected him after a really excellent visit (we thought) where he first was a bit anxious and hung back, then looked at and talked about animals, and then sat with the deputy head and told him about planets. He honestly could not have been better but they still said they didn't think he would fit and they couldn't meet his needs.

That's hard @drspouse . I'm dreading this next round of consultation. Whoever takes DD1 is going to have to understand that they're playing a long game.

Did the anxious/animal/planet talk school give you a decent reason why he wouldn't have his needs met?

@Lougle they just said they didn't think they could meet his SEMH needs and that he wouldn't fit the cohort.
The only way the last part is true and not code for "we don't believe you that he is good at strategies for not winding the other children up and we think he's just aggressive and you are lying", is if their current Y9 is either much much lower ability than him (possible) or much higher (unlikely, because the highest level of the classes we saw was about his level).

Thanks for new thread @Lougle.

First quote in for shed removal including asbestos roof of £995 plus VAT which isn't bad, am awaiting a few more quotes. Nothing back from tree specialist yet but from what the neighbour said the tree specialist thinks there's a risk of part of tree falling into shed when cut down. We are thinking of getting it done mid July as we don't need permission to remove old shed due to size and being unlisted. It could leave us without a shed for a while which is OK for our storage as we are finishing the 2 mini tool stores and rest can go in house and isn't that much, its just DS loves his shed. The trouble is he may well ignore warnings not to use so think its safer to get it taken down within next few weeks. Thought of locking it but wouldn't put it past him to take out window and go in or find a way to take off lock.

Will be out in garden again today, I am going to clear rest of leaves hopefully and move some plants to the ground from pots and DH should finish painting both mini sheds today.

Thanks for the new thread @Lougle.

Wholly independent schools can be choosy these days because the demand is high. Although many schools consider a lot more than academic level when looking at the fit of the cohort. For example, a wholly independent school refused to offer one of my DN’s a place because he is a huge sensory seeker and the cohort be would have been part of had a couple of pupils who that would have clashed with. Other examples schools sometimes refuse for are personality clashes or the school wanting more of a mix of sexes even if they will still be boy heavy.

I'm feeling really deflated today. I had an enormous row with DD3, who thinks we love DD1 more than her, doesn't want to live here, goes to school so she doesn't have to be here. I literally can't do any more than I do to show her I love her. Love isn't always enough, I guess.

@Lougle That is really tricky. You can’t do any more than you are. It is difficult when DC can’t rationally see the bigger picture or others’ PoV. Would DD3 have a look at Sibs?

I'm sorry about the row @Lougle when you are doing so much. It is very common for kids to think you love one more than the other and that often relates to attention one has been getting over another but difficult when there's different needs. I had this when DS was just out of hospital and what helped a bit was saying sorry DD I haven't been able to give you as much attention as you would like as your brother has been very ill. Is there anything you would like me to do differently and putting it back on her. And also saying its difficult being a parent, you will get your chance one day and can do things your way but you'll see how hard it is. Is she aware DD1 was at risk of being readmitted to hospital and you are trying to keep her well at home as hospital made her sad last time. Maybe if she understands why it will help. I'd say do something with DD3 as well though that'll probably set DD1 off. So maybe just do something for yourself as you are probably going to get blamed by someone for something and it might help give some strength to keep going.

Just trying to get confirmed we don't need permission to take down shed though trouble is council often don't answer and the phone just cuts off. The e-mail we had before strongly suggested listed buildings consent not required as its post 1948 and not attached. Normal planning doesn't require it due to size. I think we are safe but have just messaged council x 2.

IMO, that’s the eternal cry of siblings! They are like baby birds shouting the loudest to get the food from their parents - but humans don’t seem to grow out of it!

I get it, from her perspective, her older sister does nothing to help, does whatever she wants, kicks off when she doesn't get her way, and we let her get away with it. I tried to explain what the SALT said about her not having functional language but she said it didn't help because it just means that even when we're alone, it's about DD1.

But on Friday I spent 4 hours in the back of a car with DDs 2&3 for driving lessons. On Monday, I spent 4 hours in the back of a car for more driving lessons. On Tuesday I spent 4 hours taking DDs 2&3 to school, waiting while they prepared for D of E, and driving them to the D of E location. Yesterday, I spent 2 hours collecting them, and taking them to McDonald's for lunch. Today I've done a 40 minutes school run so that DD3 didn't have to take a taxi, then DD2, who had said she was too tired and in pain for school, changed her mind and wanted to go in, so I did another 40 minutes school run for her. DD1 has had to tag along or go to Nanny and Granddad's, no matter how rough she feels. We have another 40 minutes school run later today.

I'm not moaning as such, it's what we sign up for. But all of the above is dismissed as 'you chose to be a parent', etc.

Yesterday, my crime was that when we arrived and saw DDs eating lovely ice creams, DD1 asked for one and I bought it. That was their reward for doing D of E and all DD1 had done was sit in a car. DD2 was limping, don't I know? The fact that DD1 limps all the time is irrelevant. Then, when we got home, DD3 discovered that her dog (the one I care for every day and took full care of while she was away) had eaten the top of her cucumber plant. So she was furious with us for not erecting the fence around her veg plot because we got caught up with the shed.

I just don't know how much I can take.

@Lougle I know I’ve said this to you before but on top of all the rest of the nonsense they are young adults/older teens. What you have described, right down to the specific gripes, is echoed in my house and in my friends houses who don’t even have the massive impact of disability. You are grown up. You can see the bigger picture. You know you do what you can when you can. They will see you one day. Until then I see you and I think you are loving and dedicated and hard working and kind. It’s the older version of toddlers biting and creating. Nobody talks about it because it feels inappropriate when they are grown. So so so common.

I'd probably reply to you chose to be a parent with I'm seriously considering resigning but that's not very mature. 😂

Trying to get things done today but its like playing whack-a-mole where things you've done reappear immediately again. Spent 2 hours in garden with DH, he managed to get both mini-shed doors painted, one once and one twice, had to stop due to too hot for paint but says he'll finish off tonight and now gone to do classic car with his friend. I cleared up from the silkies which I just did yesterday, then cleared the same area of leaves I did yesterday, its very windy and fairly hot so a lot had fallen, and cut back some plants. I didn't get containers moved or pick up all the leaves as we ran out of time. I did give them a good water at least.

Then I got a reply from the tree surgeon but it doesn't say anything useful and he sounds confused. So now I'm confused. But realistically he probably can't give an exact date when tree might fall. Have heard from planning that we don't need planning permission to remove shed. Listed buildings hasn't replied but their response before about changing to a new shed said no lbc required if standalone so presumably that means not required. So looks like we can go ahead.

Just have planning validation letter so maybe we will make progress today.

@Lougle - my three DC are in their 30s and still complaining about who got what!

Two SILs in their late 60s were still complaining how MIL gave preferential treatment to golden boy DH in childhood, once he came along!

I am trying to cross check licences firms claim to have and not sure either of the initial two have correct licence and one is hassling me, other is better but have found official list and can't find them on it. Have tried a 3rd that is on list.

DH is still doing his classic car, not sure that shed door is getting painted again today. I've been cleaning upstairs.

DD1 has a lot of back pain. She's describing sharp bolts of pain and gasping intermittently, which isn't her usual presentation. She finds it so hard to describe her pain accurately though, so it's not very clear what's happening.

After DD3's favourite teacher left last month, she has been telling another favoured teacher how hard it all is. That teacher said they have no plans to leave. Now, they are leaving at the end of term. Poor kid can't catch a break. It's all made worse by DD2 and another girl she likes leaving too.

I think it would help us if they had detailed reasons like that but it never is.
I know we have a place for DS and should be "grateful" and I've had SO MUCH pushback from school, the post adoption SW, other parents about why qualifications are so important "to me".
But reading the studies this week about qualifications and attitudes among WC white families (it's not just FSM=lower levels of qualifications, there are huge attitude differences, like 65%+ think qualifications are important EXCEPT in white families in C2DE where it's 30+%) I think I understand better. But that kind of makes it so much harder to get round: if there's this attitude that qualifications don't matter and you are just being posh and rude if you suggest they do - "why do you think you're better than us".
The school had no ideas or thoughts at all about what DS might do as a job, and just said "we'll have career chats" and "lots of DCs like DS mature so much between year 9 and year 11". So they are relying on magic and on DS having a clue about what he wants to do that isn't "be a F1 driver".

Hassling man came back with £450 plus VAT after I told him we had gone with someone else to try and get rid of him. So now we are going with hassling man and will be mid to end July, checked his company and licence seem OK. We will need to clear shed and clear top of lane which isn't ours but nobody else does it.

Don’t reward the hassles they are ALWAYS a pain in the arse.

@drspouse it wasn’t until I was quite far in to pushing for ds’s to have maths qualifications that I realised that here in my particular area that isn’t a given aspiration for a fairly large minority 😲. Then someone told me “well he’s not far off the average literacy”. Seriously my mind was blown. I simply had no idea that there were people who didn’t value education in the way all my friends and family do, who were teaching!!! The vibe seemed to be, “well we have normal kids who get by without so why is it such a big deal to you”, like I was some sort of over pushy grade chaser for my own glory. Shameful attitude if you ask me, but I AM posh and over educated🤷🏻‍♀️

@Lougle I hope you can get on top of DD1’s pain.

@drspouse I think responses from schools about placements and qualifications are two separate issues.

Responses from schools are often brief. If you think about how many consultations/approaches schools get, you realise why. Some schools get a lot. Some will provide further details if asked and are willing to have a discussion about it. Others aren’t. There are some wholly independent schools who only reply if it is a positive consult/they are offering a place. For wholly independent schools, not replying is taken as a negative consult.

Lack of access to appropriate qualifications is an issue. Across the board, I think. Too many MS don’t offer qualifications that would better meet some DC’s needs. They are too rigid in pursuing GCSEs over everything, even when that is damaging. This doesn’t just apply to those with EHCPs but to those without, too. On the other hand, too many SS, SEMH and otherwise, don’t offer enough qualifications at the right level either. Then with EOTAS/EOTIS/C, too many are wrongly told qualifications aren’t possible and we even have LAs telling parents they don’t know how to go about organising them.

I think the reality is that qualifications don't hold significance unless other skills are in place. A degree might get someone in the door, but when they can't follow basic instructions, only want to do the 'interesting' bits of a job, don't turn up on time, don't behave safely, etc., they are turned out pretty quickly. More and more allegedly NT graduates are like this, so our kids who have had challenges from infancy have a much harder battle.

In this regard, I think someone with an overall low IQ but is keen is more employable - if they are happy to turn up day after day, sweeping leaves, stacking shelves, collecting trollies, etc., they will thrive. It's harder for slightly more able young people who have challenges that cause them to seem unreliable or unpredictable.

Functional Skills 2 in Maths can be taken at any age, so I would want the core employability skills to be the focus for education. It's nothing to do with being 'good enough' but it's about what will make the young person have the best chances for the future.

I appreciate I'm looking through the lens of educational trauma, though. For my girls, the damage from education to date needs to be undone before any qualification will be useful. DD3 has FS2 English and Maths, and if she didn't tank them, she'll have Literature and Maths GCSE this year. Next year she's hoping to do Statistics, Science, IT and Sports Studies. But she still can't walk down the street without scanning it for people she may know, and still can't think about college because she doesn't know who might be there. So it really is irrelevant.

Very true, @Lougle. Qualifications are of little use if you can’t function in life.

I feel like we can boost the life qualifications better than school can - unless we get a PA for out of school time in the EHCP in which case it might be more joined up. Shopping, asking for directions, quietly hanging about while a group of NT kids play a game and he works out what they are doing, cooking his lunch, doing his washing - these are all things he's learned at home or off his own bat. Scouts are now keen for him to go up to Explorers which seems scary but I was hoping he'd meet some at the District camp anyway so I think we will roll with it.
School was saying "but he's improved in paper airplane making" which has been his latest brief obsession SO GET HIM TYPING OR READING FOR COMPREHENSION OR WIRING A CIRCUIT
THEN! Don't just let him sit in class doing something that will never be useful!

Too late @Wellzizizbetter he was less than half the price of the other one and local, other one wasn't. He's fine at the moment and its outside work but we will see.

Just spent 5 hours working on house and garden with DH. I cleaned all the house and cleared downstairs fridge whilst DH did one company for house insurance and his phone and then we went to the garden and moved 4 lavenders into the ground from pots, cleared lots of leaves and moved one of the mini sheds. DH is now going to work on his classic car. DD is back tomorrow.