Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

So I'm joining the "no invite" gang :(

30 replies

5inthebed · 05/07/2010 17:26

As I drpped DS2 off at school today, there was one of his classmates dishing out invites, DS2 didn't get one . He stood there anticipating one, an she kept turning away from him whn he asked "where is DS2s".

We don't need a stupid party anyway

OP posts:

tribunalgoer · 05/07/2010 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tribunalgoer · 05/07/2010 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

valleyqueen · 05/07/2010 17:35

I was just coming on here to start a thread about this basically my yr 6 dd decided not to have a birthday party this year but a leaving party in the summer as they are leaving school. Anyway handed out the invites and got a call from a mum whose dd has cerebal Palsy (sp) she was thanking me for inviting her dd as in the 2 years he has been there she has not had one invite. She has on many occassions been the only girl in the class not invited.

My dd and her dd get on great and it never even occured to me not to invite her. I just find it awful that sn children are excluded from birthday parties people should be bloody ashamed of themselves.

beammeupscotty · 05/07/2010 17:36

I am so sorry, how devastating for DS and you. Take him somewhere special that day, and if he has a party - don't invite her!

Original poster

5inthebed · 05/07/2010 17:37

I just said that she didn't have one for him. He was not that bothered, think I was though. Doesn't help that her mam was standing there with her and could see him asking where his was.

OP posts:

redhappy · 05/07/2010 17:50

we're in it too. not even in school yet!

A friend of mine is letting her son choose who to invite for his 4th birthday. Of course, ds (asd) is not as good as other kids at making friends, so makes sense this little boy didn't invite him. My friend had a quick chat with me about it the other day incase I heard about the party and was upset we weren't going.

tbh I wasn't upset at all, rationally it made sense, couldn't blame this little boy. But now reading your posts above it's making me cry. I hope he gets invited to SOME parties!

Original poster

5inthebed · 05/07/2010 17:53

He was invited to one party at the beginning of the year, but I declined as it was in a huge hall on rollerskates and DS2 has the grace of a giraffe on rollerskates . Plus he can't handle being in huge hall with the noises reverberating around it.

It just brings back flashbacks of his brthday party last year where 3 out of 25 children came to his party

My poor boy, rejected by his peers at only 4.

OP posts:

redhappy · 05/07/2010 18:26

oh poor boy!

When I was at school I'm sure we just had to go to any party we got invited to. For exactly this reason too, children being so fickle, and adults supposed to prevent children being hurt...

sarah293 · 05/07/2010 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

5inthebed · 05/07/2010 18:32

It sucks. I always invite the whole class, even when I've done a party for DS1, as I hate kids being left out.

sucky sucky sucky

OP posts:

TheArsenicCupCake · 05/07/2010 19:29

It's really pants.. Ds2 has had three invites to parties in the whole of nursary and primary school.. He is about to go up to secondary school.

When dd had her party a few weeks back, we chose to have a sporty picnic party so that ds2 would cope. One of the mums of a little lad was almost crying at me because her ds had never been invited before and it was his first party... Then she was really worried about his behaviour ( he's ADHD and I think he's also asd).
Yes he was a bit harder work but hey we are used to that
she then nearly cried when he'd had a really lovely time and was beaming when she came to pick him up!

And actually he coped and behaved better than some of the NT children who were in party mood!

dd thinks this lad is great " he's just like ds2 mummy" and she adores ds2..

Eveiebaby · 05/07/2010 20:40

Some parents are so mean but 5inthebed maybe it was a party for girls only (was thinking this as you mentioned a girl was giving out the invites) or maybe not a whole class party? DD (ASD) starts school in September and I hope she a least gets a couple of party invites during the year.
Also, I have heard many times before of a parent excluding just one or two children in the class from their childs birthday which I think sucks - what awful parents.

Original poster

5inthebed · 05/07/2010 20:47

I don't think the parent or the girl were being mean as such, I just felt really sorry for DS2. And it was a mixed party.

OP posts:

Glitterknickaz · 05/07/2010 21:17

We get this all the time unfortunately. There is one little girl in DS2's class that always invites the boys but I'm friendly with her mum, and also there is another boy in DS1's class that has autism and we invite each others' kids to parties.

niminypiminy · 05/07/2010 21:41

Just to add a note of (poignant) cheer: ds1 had two parties this weekend. One was the ds of someone we met on early bird plus, the other our friend who has really stuck with ds1 through all his most difficult behaviours even scratching her dcs.

These were his first (and probably only) parties of the school year, and he was so, so happy about them. I was completely choked by how overjoyed he was.

donkeyderby · 06/07/2010 00:03

What can be done about this? Children are free to make their own choices of friends, and I suppose they gravitate towards those they have most in common with.

DS is at an SLD school, but has more severe disabilities than many of the kids there. In one of his classes, the other children in the class, (who incidentally all ended up in MLD or mainstream), used to meet up at weekends for horseriding, swimming etc., and DS was the only one not to be invited...for a whole year. It's not that they didn't like him, they just didn't want to hang out with him out of school because he wasn;t able to do what they did. DS didn't care, but I got really hurt by it and fucked off that he was in a class with a peer group he had nothing in common with. At the same time, I didn't want a 'charity' invitation.

Isn't this always going to be an issue with quite a lot of SN kids in MS school? The divisions seem to get worse as they get older too, especially when teenagers get independent and our teenagers don't. How can the situation be made better, without it being forced?

TotalChaos · 06/07/2010 07:08

no invites at all from school this school year, fortunately families on the street and a few friends of mine have had parties.

donkey - what can be done - I suppose try and find kids with similarities to our own in terms of activities/interests, i.e. find our own appropriate peer groups for our kids. easier said then done I appreciate!

roundthebend4 · 06/07/2010 07:15

ds does not get invites but truthfully he is not bothered but also he does not get the whole birthday thing has not really understood his birthday is only a week of where most normal almost 5yo be going through roof with excitement

Goblinchild · 06/07/2010 07:16

Mine never got party invites, we did other stuff instead. Scouts took the place of a lot of that sort of socialising, he got lucky in that his cub leader was an SN nursery nurse and his scout leader knew about ASDs first hand.
Since becoming a teen male, he has had invites as the parties are things like lazerquest and paintball. Shared interests.
It's hard, but he saw being excluded as other people's choices and didn't get upset about it.

Flighttattendant · 06/07/2010 07:28

This is really heartbreaking.

Unfortunately we have been guilty of it this year but I hope with reason.

Last year we didn't do a party for ds but we took him and his friend (who has AS) somewhere with the friend's dad.

He didn't cope with the planned thing very well (I should have known, but was ignorant) but we still had a good time en route and on the walk home.

This year ds wanted a party and we had some of his other friends - he was keen for the best friend to come but he had been to our house and didn't cope with it, and therefore I decided to do it without inviting him.

Later ds went to his house, but his mum then contacted me and said she thought her son shouldn't come here again due to the way he behaved with ds there.

They are still best friends at school but there are issues so we just try and work around them - I hope one day he will be able to cope better with these other situations.

2shoes · 06/07/2010 09:28

dd has (well when she was younger as parties have died out now) always been invited to parties by class mates and never left out(one reason I am glad she is at an sn school)
the only time she has been blatently snubbed is my the dear old spoilt nt kids

Al1son · 06/07/2010 09:31

Whatever logic there is behind it and however many times you tell yourself that you'll give them a treat instead, deep down it really hurts. I think it's harder on us than on our DCs a lot of the time because they move on and we build resentment. It is gut wrenching to watch your child being socially excluded so young and to know that it will carry on.

My DD1 (13) is feeling very socially excluded by her NT peers just now. She does feel more socially comfortable and included in the mainstream autism base she attends but she would really love to be socially accepted in the wider world too. It was so hard talking to her about it last night.

imahappycamper · 06/07/2010 09:40

My DS went to parties all the time at Infant School. I was a teacher at the school and I think they liked the idea of me turning up at their parties.(Often sent DH so it didn't work out like that.) At Junior School he probably went to about three in four years. He used to say "X is bringing my invitation tomorrow." which of course never happened. Secondary he hasn't been to one and is in Yr 10. Once he said to me "I really want to go to Y's party. Can you ask him?" This was in Yr 8.He didn't really understand that you can't just ring up and demand that your child is invited. It is really sad but you just have to be a grown up and say brightly "Well never mind we're going to such and such that day anyway, so it wouldn't have fitted in with our plans."

meltedmarsbars · 06/07/2010 10:01

I am really at this - my dd2 has sld and physical disabilities and spends 2 days a week at the local primary, and she constantly gets party invites.

Maybe we are just very lucky in that its a small school so not hard to ask the whole class.

imahappycamper - actually for my dd1 who is at secondary, we don't have parties - the kids are just too huge to cope with! Maybe the invitations tail off for all the kids then?

imahappycamper · 06/07/2010 10:03

No they have them, for example when they all hit 13. Not as often as in Primary but they do take place.

Flip

1 2