What do you say to strangers who speak to your non-verbal child?

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

I have probably asked this before, but can't remember.

Was just out with DD to park..am very pleased, we got bus both ways, no buggy, it was really busy and she behaved very well and held my hand...

We were waiting at the bus stop and this nice kindly man started talking to DD and asking her questions as people do to young children (he thought she was older than 3 though).

DD actually said "hiya" to him, which is a breakthrough but he didn't realise as she wasn't looking at him and acting very "spaced out" so it looked like she was totally ignoring him. Eventually he gave up and seemed embarrassed.

I don't like to say anything about DD's SN in front of her as if I have to make excuses for her, and I am shy, so I tend to leave people to work it out or think we are rude.

Just wondered what everyone else does in this situation?

I am probably the most self-conscious person on earth at the moment so extra-sensitive.

TIA.

Must be tricky. How about 'she is a bit shy'?

Yes, I used to say that but then she would repeat it and go around saying "bit shy" "bit shy" and I'd feel mean as she is NOT shy at all.

I normally say "are you in a wee dream" to her, but that feels mean too.

Don't want to unload all her SN on strangers though....

I have the same problem. DS rarely responds to us let alone complete strangers. I just end up talking for him and feeling awful. Sorry I have not helped at all.

She doesn't/can't talk very much - which ever you are happier with

& if questioned why - then just "she's not ready yet"

Kurly - it helps to know i am not alone!

Katy- thanks, that sounds like a good line to try!

i find shes distracted or hes distracted works, least it did with my sibling

oh, it is a tricky one.

dd1 is 5.8 now, very verbal, but not ;ikely to make sense if anyone talks to her.

I have been through the phase of not wanting to say too much about SN in front of her, but these days I tend ot say "she doesn't understand you", as people are expecting an answer more and more.

I ended up feeling that I didn't want dd1 picking up on people being annoyed/exasperated with her, and so I thought telling them was better. I do try to also get dd1 to talk to them though, so that her SN are not an excuse to not talk to people, iyswim? but al least having warned them, dd1 can then be as random as she likes without them thinking she is really odd! (current greeting form dd1 is "right foot!" as she has just learnt left/rigth, and rigth is her favourite)

i tend to respond with oh he uses sign language and then next question no he is not deaf

I get this a lot, i usually just grin and say 'she's shy' or 'she's tired' depending what mood i'm in. A couple times i have said 'she doesn't talk' or 'she has ASD'.

Have felt very tempted to say she is deaf, as that is how she sounds and acts but of course I couldn't lie (plus I'm sure someone would then quiz me and I'd be exposed!)

I used to simply say "he has a speech delay"

Which was true.

Now I have a slightly different problem of constantly having to say "yes, I know he looks like a nine year old, and seems to have a very grown up vocabulary and general informative 'tone' but I'm just going to stand here and repeatedly tell him not to put his hands in your shopping, or in your pockets, or try to hang off your belt loops, ok? good."

I usually prompt the answer and say nothing about the SN.

Stranger: 'where are you going today?'

me 'ds, listening' (turn his face to stranger) 'where are you going today?, say I'm going to playgroup'

ds 'I'm going to playgroup'

Stranger then usually gives up without asking anything or trying not to be rude about an obvious SN asks another question of him to which I repeat above strategy.

It gives the message, plus DS an opportunity to interact, even though it is prompted.

But, obviously he has enough skills to do this.

I usually go with the "he is shy" line, works because if anyone looks/touches or speak to him he just hides behind me.

It is a difficult one.

we do exactly the same as Star.

It is difficult when you have a child who looks older than they are regardless of SN.

Oh Star i could have done with you today, when ds was ignoring everything the SENCO said to him. Still at lease she got a clear picture of him.

But Im going to adapt your method for ds.

My ds is very verbal but will still often not answer when spoken to.

I tend to say 'oh he's not interested in talking today' and laugh it off.

This morning he would not answer even close friends of mine who he knows really well They were very understanding fortunatly.

Now however at this very minute we cant shut him up, he is dancing around room talking non-stop while dh is trying to watch footie!!

Star- your strategy sounds good but DD could never do that yet.

DD looks 5 instead of 3.8 too, would be much easier if she looked her age.

My DD doesn't understand a lot yet I think....

So hard to know until she starts speaking.

I am lucky DS 3 and still looks it but people outside immediate family and close friends, who know, are starting to notice. Also have 18month old who does respond by waving etc..

I know its silly and I shouldn't care what people think especially complete strangers but I don't like people thinking he is badly behaved or rude.

DD is verbal, but rarely replies when spoken to by strangers. In fact, she often "blanks" people she knows well, so strangers don't stand much chance.

I either say "she's a little bit shy" but that back fires sometimes, with comments like " Oh, a big girl like you shouldn't be shy!" type comments.

Or I adopt Star's technique of modeling the answer for her. Sometimes she still won't reply.

I don't see why I should have to mention DD's special needs to a complete stranger.

Fanjo I don't know enough about your dd, to know whether this is relevant or helpful, but before DS got where he was we still prompted him, but were less demanding of what we got,

i.e. I would do the same but say 'say playgroup' and he would ignore me so I'd insiste 'say playgroup' and he might go 'peh' or just 'nn' to which I would respond, 'yes, that's right, well done, we are going to playgroup'

Again, it give the message to the other person, but you don't feel rude and it kind of gives your ds a message that when someone talks to them it needs some kind of response. It was hard work and didn't come quickly and my ds is 'relatively' fast learning for someone with his condition.

My friend used to use the "DD doesn't speak" line. It worked well from toddler to pre-teen. Since her teenage years, strangers don't want to talk to her (either she looks like a stroppy teen, or her quirks give away her SNs).

I guess it depends on prognosis. If your DC is unlikely to ever speak and has very limited understanding then this works. If they understand then I guess this approach might not be so appropriate.

Tis a minefield, isn't it?

DD has a huge processing delay so it's hard to prompt her, she also finds it hard to come out with words and things are really unclear.

Totally no idea what her prognosis is at the moment.

hmm, could you give her ONE response for all of these situations?

Like 'Mmmm'

SO stranger says 'where are you going?'

You say 'listen, stranger asked where are you going; we're going to playground aren;t we? say 'Mmm'

And do it every single time and practice at home!?

No idea if that would work. Would it? If she learned to recognise that 'Mmm' is all that is expected of her if someone addresses her so that at least a social exchange of some kind can occur, even if she hasn't time to decode much?

Like I said though, I am not pretending to know anything about her difficulties or make things seem more simple than they are so I apologise if that is way inappropriate.