I am hurting, I need a wee hand hold

[iamhurting]

but I cant help it

It is likely ds has mild aspergers, in the process of being diagnosed (see earlier thread). He is in stage one of school. A little one in ds class had his party (theyre stage one at school, have been around each other for all of nursery etc). It looks to be the whole class (common round here as tiny class!) but ds and another wee boy (who is a bit naughty sometimes but lovely!) never got an invite (well I know ds didn't, I cant totally confirm the other one for sure).

I think it may be as his social inadaquacies are showing through he is well behaved at school but doesnt quite get 'friendship' so depsite being with this kiddies all through nursery isnt that bonded to them all or them to him I think the other kids tolerate him but not play with him willingly if you know what I mean? Ds is like an eager puppy that gets ignored alot and wanders off

This has been the first time he has actively NOT been included in what looks to have been another whole class party of which there have been lots so far and ds has attended well and been chuffed to go .

I dont think it was an oversight as his mum is a 'friend' on facebook and it was being discussed etc and thanks afterwards etc.

I cant ask his mum if we lost the invite somehow as that would come across as desperate.

Ds not aware but if he was he would have been gutted not to have got an invite. He is very into parties and very sensitive to rejection.

I saw the other kids inc some that know the party boy much less well heading off with their pressies (we live in a very very small place) so its unreasonable but I feel totally rejected for ds and trying not to as I know its irrational.

But I am scared this is the start of something painful for him and me I suppose.

Can someone give me a wee pat on the back.

I really do feel upset. Silly I know!!

sure, here's a pat, but you'll figure out ways to support your lo be more integrated.

Do you invite anyone for play dates?

Hurts doesn't it. No advice I'm afraid just pats.

My ds didn't get invited to my best friends ds's party last year despite knowing each other since birth (antenatal friend).

I was devestated, ruined the friendship.
How hard can it be to add one more.

Still if our lo are not wanted then it's their loss imo.

IME there are two kinds of parents - one who don't invite because your DS doesn't fit in - and one who do invite because your DS doesn't fit in and they won't let their DC's grow up thinking its acceptable to leave yours out.

Unfortunately our friendship group often shrinks to the small latter group.

No real advice except to get yourself and your school as well trained and informed about how to teach social skills as you possibly can and make sure that the school treat it as an absolute priority and educational need for your DS ahead of any academic skills and get it written into any IEP etc and the staff on training courses etc so that you can do something positive to address this. Our DCs can learn social skills but won't just absorb them.

I can see this from two sides as my oldest DS (NT) had two children with high level SN in his class and he did actively avoid them mainly because he perceived them as being "naughty" (he's a stickler for the rules and didn't want to get in trouble for being with children who did not follow the rules); and a DS3 who is ASD and zero social skills. The school could have done a lot more to explain to DS1 why these children were different and he is a lovely tolerant boy and would have understood. Now he has an "odd" brother of his own he is learning very quickly!

Depending how open you want to be about your DS's difficulties you could ask teachers to explain to the class why your DS is different. Children at that age are very accepting once they are given the information to understand. Often its not knowing why which makes children steer away.

A big hug. I know exactly what you're going through as my DS1 also has Aspergers, and is also never invited to parties. Plus the other school mums can be really mean to me.

Unfortunately there's no easy answers. There are going to be some tough years ahead.

I guess the thing to remember is that your DS doesn't need friends to be happy. And when he's an adult he'll make friends who are more like him.

I just try and keep DS1 happy however I can. Now that he's 9 years old he's really into Games Workshop, and finding it easy to make friends there (it seems to be a real haven for ASD boys...)

I think just keep surviving day by day, and don't worry too much about the future.

Big hug for you..pretty pants isn't it.

Now this is just me, but ds2 and I are both comforatble with it, and you may differ.

I tell people why ds is a tad anti social or a bit socially immature on the surface.. And I have found that when I have educated had a natter things seem a bit more friendly, even if you don't get so many invites it does stop people shying away through not understanding.

Another hug from here. This happened to me recently (although it wasn't the whole class invited to the party I am friends with the child's mother so it was pretty hurtful). DS1 is very sociable (eager puppy is about right for him too) but gets it wrong all the time and he is starting to notice that other kids think he's wierd -- it would be so much kinder for him if he were unaware of other people.

It's really painful to see children shunning your child and not to be able to do anything about it. The mother tiger in me wants to wade in and sort them out, but that really isn't the answer.

I don't have answers, I just wanted to say I know how you feel.

dss wasn't invited to his cousins party recently, they socialise in the same peer group too as same school year. He is 13

Sorry meant to add a hug for you too....it's crap isn't it

It's not nice to leave just one or two children out if the rest of the class are invited. I don't blame you for feeling upset.

I'll give you a pat on the back as well.

It does hurt and it is extremely hurtful; this happened to DS back in Y1 of infants (when they were all into having birthday parties). In our case everyone but DS got an invite; I saw the child in question giving the things out.

childhood has LOTS of parties, thats what pains me, as my ds will be devastated the first time he realises he has not been invited to a party on purpose, especially a whole class one

DD2 is in year 2 and there are 8 girls in her class. She has not been invited to a single party this year.

One child is very new to the school and her mum actually told me to my face how pleased she was that her DD wanted to invite all her friends from her new school to her party not her old one. My DD2 didn't get an invitation. It's worse because DD2 really likes this girl and has asked if she can come to tea.

I'm filling up just typing this. It is really hard but I think it's a fact of life when you have a child with AS.

I persuaded DD2 that a term-time trip to Legoland was better than a party for her birthday this year because, rightly or wrongly, I couldn't bear to invite a load of children who had deliberately excluded her.

Happily giving you all the pats you need.. It's so tough when those differences are brought home to us in such a shitty way..

I think Agnes is right there's a small group of parents who ask my dd to parties even though she is clearly so different from the other kids, but they know me or feel they don't want to exclude her. Then there's the others who seem so uncomfortable around us and have not invited us to parties which is hard..It's such a rejection. Luckily at the moment it all goes over dd's head.. for now anyway.

What I find hard is that she does like several children at her nursery and tries to hug or kiss them but because she's not able to talk to them they either lose interest and just walk away or worse they run a mile when they see her coming and look like they dislike her or are frightened of her.. Some kids tell her to go away or shout at her that she is ruining/ spoiling something that they are doing and get very cross and nasty. I want to give them a mouthful as I feel protective of her. But of course I don't..

When she was small the differences were easier to ignore but less so now and now it's getting more and more obvious..

DD loves a party as well, bless her..

I feel sooooooooooooooooooo upset with you

I dont want my gorgeous son to be left out nor any of your gorgeous dc re parties, its crap to be on the fringes

I want to shelter them all from this peer rejection and pain

Horrid.

I sympathise as ds has the same problem. He is always so happy when he does get a rare invite anywhere. I do have friends from his class round for tea but the invite is never reciprocated.It's a shame but I think a lot of the times it's down to the mums not wanting your dc there not the child. Ds knows he's a bit different and is hypersensitive so it's really upsetting but I don't know what the answer is.

Feel your pain.

Guts me. though. Will it get easier as they get older? or harder.

I soooooo dont have tough skin and NEED it.

INfact I feel heart broken.

Sounds dramatic but I do.

I think we have to remember that children can be much more accepting of their experiences than we are.

We are looking at it from the point of view of mothers who would not allow our children to reject another in this way. Our little ones don't have that insight into the mother's role. They also probably don't calculate that there should have been x number of parties this year and I haven't been invited to any of them. They will only worry about the ones they know about.

That makes it harder for us than for them in some ways. However, we are powerful and we can offer consolation in the form of treats which are far better than parties.

I feel heart broken about it too. My DD2 is a beautiful, well behaved, quiet child who just doesn't make friends easily. She doesn't deserve to be excluded in this way. Not that any child ever does of course.

Good points love.

My DD2 doesn't have a label yet Riven - we're working on that one. She just doesn't interact socially very successfully. Strange really because when you watch you can't see why it's not working a lot of the time.

When she was invited to parties during her reception year she'd spend most of the time sitting on my lap watching but she doesn't have the insight to realise that she doesn't really enjoy them.

I ttake it your DD2 doesn't get invites either?

Yup, we have had the same experiences here, too. I find a lot of the mums are really 'right on' and pretend to be tolerant and understanding, but when the chips are down and it's birthday time, they will happily exclude DS. It does hurt, but TBH, I would rather DS didn't go to a party where he wasn't really welcome.

It's a shame we can't have some MN SEN birthday parties.