ds refusing to go to school

[claw3]

he is saying he doesnt want to go to school because it is PE day.

What would you do?

Take him protesting and getting upset?

Tell school he is coming, but he will not be doing PE, until they put something in place for him?

Keep him home, knowing that once this starts, its never going to stop?

Probably the second option. Poor ds, what is upsetting him about it?

I'd go with the second option, putting the ball in their court otherwise you'll end up like me with him at home every day. You don't want him out of sight and out of mind like my DD is.

He struggles to get changed because of hyper mobility. He is always the last one to get ready. The exercises make him feel sick. He worries that no one will choose him to be their partner and he will have to be partners with the teacher again.

Just phoned the school told them to get ds to school i would have to take him kicking and screaming, SENCO is 'too busy' to speak to me! so i asked whether perhaps we could compromise and let ds just wear his PE t-shirt. Receptionist has just phoned back with SENCO advice, 'i cant give into him and i need to bring him, with his PE kit'

I asked what is the plan?

'We are just going to make him get changed into his PE kit, leave it to us'

Keeping him at home, it is then!

They can take a run and jump.

Second option too. PE is major issue for my son as well, we did all the dragging him protesting etc. and now have a child refusing to go to school altogether (not just because of PE). If he is anything like my DS he needs to know he is listened to and has some control. Don't get on that slippery slope of not going if you can possibly help it because it is a long climb back. DS has just done a week and a day of 1 hour a day phased return and today is refusing again . I would give anything to have known to shout harder for needs to be met sooner (though was in middle of still working out what those needs were).
Rambling reply but really want to say know exactly how you must be feeling and don't want anyone else to end up in the muddle we have!

Oh help - cross posted and not very helpful of me in light of school's response, sorry. Similar attitude was why we ended up changing schools - though that did not stop complete refusal it did mean have felt more supported.

Amper, thanks. i have applied for Statutory Assessment, have his name down at another school etc.

All this trying to force him into what 'normal' children do, is really pissing me off.

He needs some help and support. As far as school are concerned its not a problem. He has been sent home for being physical sick on PE day and pulling out his eyelashes to the point of needing medical treatment.

I dont know how much clearer he can make, that there is a problem. A cry for help, im not prepared to ignore anymore.

School can go fuck themselves!

Thank you Milady, im so ds is refusing to go to school, but SENCO is 'too busy' to talk to me, but yet she has time to advise the receptionist, albeit crap advice!

Ds wont be going to school, lets see if they are too busy to speak to the LA.

That is really awful of them. Can't they see that these things can escalate?

The SENCO passing on messages to you through the receptionist is totally unprofessional. Can you arrange an urgent meeting with the SENCO asap and tell him/her what you've told us - why your DS doesnt like PE, that he needs support, and that you are not 'giving in to him', but simply trying to work out constructive, workable long term solution with the school. Bat the ball back to them. They are being arses.

Unfortunately the goal of "getting through the next half hour of school without causing trouble to teacher and class mates and requiring extra adult input" is not always in line with the goal of "improving long term physical skills and emerging from the experience with self esteem intact".

Unless they really are providing some sort of amazing P.E. class, it sounds as though your DS is making a perfectly reasonable request. Its amazing how often people expect children to 'not get away with things', when so few adults are prepared to step outside their comfort zone. Children (and adults) with SN step outside their comfort zone all day long.

oh, claw, I'm sorry school are being such useless twats.

The first time we thought LA were actually listening to us was when we withdrew dd1 form the school they said was perfectly adequate - we got to the point where we felt we needed to make a stand. (school were doing similar overriding of emotions and distress because it suited them)

your ds does need ot know that someone is listening to him when he has an issue (sorry, that sounds wrong, i know you have always listened to him, but soemtimes, actions can speak louder than words, iyswim)

I can see where you'd be reluctant to give time off, in case of it leading to more school refusal, but if it is getting to the point of self harm (I remember oyur threads at the time) and school are still doing nothing, then that is totally negligent of them

If you get the time today (ha!) do write a letter to the LA informing them of why oyu have kept ds off school. A stiffly worded reminder that you have to keep him at home, because school are ignoring his distress to the point of self-harm (which has also led to hospitalisation for your ds in the past) and that you refuse to let that happent ot him again, should light a fire under some people there.

SENCO sounds crap too (is this the same one who says you are always pestering her?)

I did have a meeting with the school and the LA, which school cancelled at the last minute.

School have then arranged another meeting for next Tuesday (they didnt invite LA) but had meeting with LA yesterday and they have invited themselves.

I have had meeting after meeting with the school and they refuse to except that ds has any problems with PE other than being slow to get changed. Have just emailed LA and PP, explaining the situation. Also phoned CAMHS as ds has weekly sessions with them, to ask their advice.

As you say ds has made his stand, time for me to make mine!

Yes Silver, 2 meetings with SENCO in 16 months and im taking up too much of her time and pestering her!

SENCO told me after meeting in February 2009 not to contact the school unless it was an emergency! this is while ds was self harming and he got sent home from school the day after the meeting for pulling out his eyelashes.

SENCO is the biggest prize twat, you are ever likely to meet, followed closely by the Head.

Ds has a dentist appointment at 1.30 today anyhow, so as far as he is concerned he isnt going to school because of this. He has killed the nerve in another front tooth from banging his mouth so many times and its now turning grey

Anyway, thanks everyone for listening to my rant. Im off now as ds is getting bored.

Thanks again.

It is so disappointing that they aren't taking this more seriously, claw.

I would definitely try to get someone from CAMHS involved. Can they attend a meeting and advise the school on your son's anxieties and difficulties? The answer will be 'No' initially', but if you harangue them with phone calls and emails and state that your son is now refusing to go to school, it is a crisis situation etc, they may well find the time.

The SENCo does sound absolutely dire. Do you take notes of everything he says 9even via his receptionist!)? Make sure you do. You may need this as evidence later on down the line.

It rained and the kids ended up having an indoor break, yesterday. I spent an exhausting afternoon taking the flak for it from DS1. He was adamant he wasn't going to school, this morning. He even kept doing naughty things in the hope we would tell him he didn't have to go. I told him his naughty behaviour would make me more inclined to want him out of the house because I like his company far better when he's being nice.

He started to behave much more nicely and things stopped getting broken.

He went to school.

Which reminds me, if DS2 gives me a moment, I need to go clean up the wallpaper and torn up blackout blind off the kids' floor

Oh, and DS1 rarely does PE. It's not a physical thing for him, since he's always on the go and very fit; he simply hates being in the school hall for it, with all the noise. He's joining in more, now they're outside some of the time, but that'll change as soon as it gets too hot and sunny for him.

And having read the rest of the thread, I agree with silverfrog, though it seems like you're banging your head against the wall. SENCO sounds worse than useless - kids like your DS are the reason for her job, ffs!

Ds is helping his dad, so i could write a letter to school confirming my conversation with them.

Thanks Andiewalsh i have used your line "not 'giving in to him', but simply trying to work out constructive, workable long term solution with the school"

Ouryve, there are probably 1001 other reasons why ds doesnt like PE, thoses are just the ones, he can verbalise.

Thanks again everyone. Just have time for a coffee before dentist, which is going to be fun!

They have to make 'reasonable adjustments' claw - quote the DDA at them. Idiots.

Cornsilk, im quickly discovering the school can do what the hell they like. Short of taking them to Court, they are a law unto themselves!

Obviously ds's school is probably one of the worse schools ever and i might as well not send ds to school, if i need to take them Court.

Its a vicious circle isnt it!

Hi Claw,

DS has the same problem with PE. Not always but it is enough to make him not want to go to school when it surfaces.

We deal with it this way - I try and isolate what exactly he is worried about, e.g. getting changed, mixing with children he doesn't usually sit by, noise smells etc. Then we work on providing a strategy e.g. stay in your school clothes, be teacher's helper or stay in a group with friends.

This has worked very well and school have been great accomodating it. His new TA last week caused me to worry because she started talking about 'putting her foot down' with him but I put this down to lack of understanding. I told her if she did, she would probably find he wanted to stay off school next PE session.

I think people don't understand how anxiety riddent PE can be. I also think that getting them involved with accomodations is key. We have a very robust OT who is very empowering for DS, she has a real 'can do' attitude. She really threw me a few weeks back as she started to encourage me not to make life too comfortable for him. I got upset as we are always advised to 'change the environment and not the child' but she was right otherwise their world gets smaller and smaller.

It is that balance between challenging them out of their comfort zone and scaring the pants off them that needs to be achieved but it CANNOT be done without sympathetic support and strategies to enable the child to be included.

Hi Debs, ds has been very clear about what he doesnt like.

He struggles to get changed and no one helps him and he is always the last one to get ready. (hyper-mobility and sensory i suspect impacting on his self esteem being the 'last' one)

The exercises make him feel sick, particularly exercises like the warm up of moving your head in a circles, bending over to touch your toes and shutting his eyes at any point. (sensory and perhaps a bit of anxiety i suspect)

He puts his clothes on inside out, back to front, shoes on the wrong feet, loses his clothes, puts on other childrens clothes (organisation skills i suspect)

He worries that no one will choose him to be their partner and he will have to be partners with the teacher again. (who wants to be partners with the stiff kid, who cant do anything)

Easily solved without too much effort on the part of the school. Even if they cant deal with all of the issues he has, deal with at least one of them to relieve some anxiety!

I made a visual sequence chart to help with organisation - they dont have room on the wall! i made a smaller version pocket side version - they dont have time to prompt him to use it.

I have asked if someone could help him with the things he finds physically difficulty ie buttons. They dont have time to help him with 29 other children getting changed.

I have asked could we compromise and let him just get changed into his PE t-shirt - no he has to get changed.

To top it all off, at meetings they insist that he doesnt have any difficulties, other than being a bit slow.

I am all for empowering ds with strategies to help himself. Its so frustrating that school cant see passed the end of their nose!

They have info from OT - stating movement can make him feel sick.

They have info from OT - stating he has sensory dysfunction making getting dressed difficult.

They have 3 reports - stating big difficulties in sequencing and being able to understand and follow verbal instructions.

They have paed report - stating hyper mobility in joints.

Yet they are still putting 2 and 2 together = over anxious mother!

Oh, really sorry Claw, now I feel as if you think I was suggesting that you are not empowering him and I really wasn't. REALLY!!

I was just stating that taking a 'tougher line' might be good but that it only works if you are giving a child support to deal with his difficulties.

Honestly, I meant no criticism of you at all. I am on YOUR side.

I completely understand how you feel but I have to say that DS's school are pretty good about this sort of thing for all children and it has been one area where there has never been an issue, so I would feel gutted if it were me.

I think you must write formally to the Head about this and then to the SEN Governor if necessary. Set out exactly what you and the experts feel should be happening with reports. Explain how a failure to provide support is affecting your son and ask what they intend to do - if the answer is nothing, they need to explain why.

This is about lack of understanding and a failure to include.