ds refusing to go to school

[claw3]

he is saying he doesnt want to go to school because it is PE day.

What would you do?

Take him protesting and getting upset?

Tell school he is coming, but he will not be doing PE, until they put something in place for him?

Keep him home, knowing that once this starts, its never going to stop?

Dear god, claw, I can't believe the list of everything you have been through (and this is only for one issue, ie PE)!

And the LA want to sit in on a meeting to see if what you say is true?

I wouldn't let them within a hundred yards of that meeting - I think the only possible outcome would be the LA telling school to use timetables, support your ds getting changed etc.

It would be different if the school were supporting your claims, and united you would be asking for help, but as it is, with school doing bugger all, then LA will hide behind that, I think.

No, no, no, Debs i would never think that of you honestly. I knew exactly what you meant and was agreeing with you!

Perhaps my words in text are sounding defensive, because i am feeling a bit like that with school, definitely not with you

Silverfrog, i was saying to my dp just the other day, no one would believe just how bad the school are and that this actually goes on (not you guys obviously, but 'outsiders')

Ds already receives a high level of help in the class room. LA say they expect school to provide 15 hours first. Ds already has this. So when it comes to self care, social, sensory etc - school are saying they dont have the resources to provide extra help(to me in writing) yet not backing my SA!

Its all very conflicting to say the least!

Although school are being very cagey about the amount of hours ds actually has.

They have said that ds has

1:1 40 minutes (SALT)
Group support 4 x week for literacy and math
High level of support to maintain focus

claw tell the LA you will complain if you have to. The school's approach is harmful and in breach of the DDA.

Thank you Cornsilk for the link, i will have a read.

I seem to have opened a whole can of worms and my life has been taken over with SN's and complaining. If complaining was an Olympic sport, i would win a gold medal

I just had a quick look at that link too - our LEA took 26 days to reply to our request for SA and the 6 weeks started then. Heart sinks that even that is something to complain about - but will wait and see if we get SA agreed or not. If we don't it is something else to add to the list. It is tiring and endless isn't it. DH and I had the conversation at 5am about needing to make time for other things ...looks like you didn't have a good night's sleep either Claw. I know for one I get a bit obsessed with it all, and it is exaggerated having a child at home all the time refusing to go to school. We just have to hang in and keep believing .... go for that Gold!

Thanks Ampers, ds has gone to school today, as he doesnt have PE. He didnt put up too much of a struggle, but was worrying that teachers would 'get mad' if he couldnt do something.

I took the weekend 'off' as it was dp's birthday and we had friends and family round, it was lovely to forget for a night, that sn's existed and i do have a life!

I now feel that i am playing catch up and everyone always wants a piece of me and there are just not enough pieces or hours in the day

Ds doesnt sleep well, im often on here at odd hours after waking with ds and then not being able to get back to sleep myself.

I keep telling myself, things can only better, right!

They will, they will! Glad he has gone to school, at least you get a bit of 'space' then too. My DS still only doing an hour a day - meeting next week again about where to go from there, bit worried as he even could not manage one of the days this week (and we cannot work out why). However DH is taking him out this morning and I am going to sit down and do a couple of hours work. Think that will help me feel better too!
Hang in there!

Yeah for DS Claw!! That must be a relief.

Let's hoping you can get out of that place asap. My school have been far from perfect but they do help support him coming in in the mornings now and it makes SO MUCH DIFFERENCE!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Debs, he didnt want to go because 'teachers always get mad, when i cant do something' and i was very tempted not to send him. But he wasnt protesting and refusing, crying etc as he was about PE days.

The thing is Debs, my kids all go to school, no matter what, if nothing is broken and they are not bleeding, they are kicked out of the front door, no matter how unfair they think teachers/life are.

But with ds he is right teachers do get mad with him when he cannot do something because of his disability and its not unreasonable of him, not to want to go to school because of it.

If the school were to put some help and support in place, i would be happy to 'make' him go to school when he protested, knowing they are understanding why he acts that way and helping him.

Its soul destroying for both me and ds and im not sure how much longer i can do it.

Could you home ed until you got a place at the other school? Not always feasible I know but it sounds a very negative environment.

DS didn't want to go in the class this mornign but they let him sit outside with the TA and draw and he was then fine. They would not have done that 6 months ago. It just makes all the difference.

Now that slight adjustment is exactly what ds needs and would be a perfect solution for ds.

The world is a scary place for ds, not just school. But school just cant seem to get past the blame and it has to be someone's fault ie mine because he acts the way he does. They cant even see, no matter how many times i have explained it, that i am not blaming them for ds's difficulties, i merely stating they are not understanding.

My fear is that if i start to home ed, it will become very difficult to get back into the system ie the buck stops with me, it then becomes no one elses problem but mine.

I also need a statement to get ds into the other school i have his name down for. Im trying to hang on until i get a statement (if i get one).

I will write to the school today and ask if ds can not do PE or if i can go and collect/return him around PE or i will keep him off on PE days and they can send work home. Him being excluded will add to my SA case and also hopefully reduce some his anxieties for now.

I don't know how much help this'll be but as a teacher in a mainstream school I regularly make changes to PE in order to accommodate children's needs and not necessarily for children with SN, PE is a problem for lots of children!

Things I've done include:

• agreeing a child can come to school in clothes suitable for PE (I'm usually obsessed with children changing not least because a classroom of sweaty children in unpleasant!)
• giving a child a headstart on getting changed (even at Y6)
• finding a private place for a child to get changed alone/with a friend e.g. staff loo, an office
• arranging that participation can be by helping me set up/keep score/take photos/say 'ready steady go'/collect the ball/be in charge of the stopwatch rather than physical participation
• me being in charge of partner/team choosing so there is no being left out (and coming down like a ton of bricks on anyone who moans that they've been given the slowest/silliest person)
• getting children to identify one part of an activity they feel happy with e.g. for a NT child who hated gym she got changed and came down to the hall, sat on the mats etc. but didn't perform exercises per se, she just did the getting ready/finishing pose (tip toes and arms stretched) because anything else stressed her out, that was enough for her and a year later she will join in because she knows she has an option to do something differently if she needs it
• teaching the whole class to do silent cheering (school hall acoustics are awful and no fun for anyone, never mind someone with sensory issues)
• letting a child wear trainers/jogging bottoms instead of bare feet/shorts
• finding time for a child and friend to practise what we're going to do in advance of the lesson

It's not hard to make PE a less stressful experience for children and I'm sorry your son's school isn't making more of an effort. The majority of the things I've used don't require anything more than a bit of imagination and advance planning, only the final one really needs an additional adult (but I use my lunch/breaktime to do this if it made for a happier day for someone in my class). I do hope someone at the school/LA finds some compassion and commonsense some time soon.

SE13.....there should be one of you in every school!!!

Claw, I know exactly what you mean about HE. A supportive environment makes all the difference and I have noticed DS's anxiety decrease and display itself more openly now he feels he won't be told off for it.

Maybe a dx will help you. You can't argue with a dx. Teachers can prevaricate and blame the parents as much as they want but when you have it written down that this child has autism and needs help with x,y and z, maybe they will take more notice. I hope so.

Claw, could you go in and 'help' with PE until the school find a braincell? If you could be there to do buttons/pre-rehearse skills etc. with your DS and a couple of others he might find it less stressful. I also imagine that the school might get their act together rather more rapidly if they are being watched! If the school decline your kind offer to support him (temporarily) in PE but fail to make any effort to meet his needs themselves then that too will go in your favour for SA.

Wow SE13 i wish i had put my ds's name down at your school!

Thank you so much for all those strategies, i will certainly use those in my letter to the school and offer to go and help.

My letter was looking less imaginative, its so hard to be positive when all you receive in return is negative responses.

Your post is really helpful. Thank you.

Oh Debs, exactly you have hit the nail on the head, all the school keep saying is that ds doesnt show any signs of distress, its because he is too bloody scared to!

and EP let slip yesterday, then correct herself, that the school had said that ds doesnt have ASD and displays no signs of it. This quickly changed to what i meant is that it can be hard for school to recognise ASD!