I am a terrible SN mother

[niminypiminy]

Normally I lurk on this board, but tonight I am so full of despair I don't know what to do, and this seems like the only place to let it out. I know I should feel that I love my child who has an ASD enough that I wouldn't want to change him. I know I should feel that without the ASD he wouldn't be him. I know I should have enough love and understanding to see the world from his point of view. Well, I suppose sometimes I do. But often he is so damned difficult that I would give anything for just one day of normality. Just one day when he didn't throw things, hit his brother, hit his parents, when I could trust him to go in the kitchen alone, when he would listen when I have to say no. Just one day when I can listen to other parents talk about their children without feeling sad, just one day when he could play with other children without hurting them, just one day when we could have a normal family life. Just one normal, happy day. I sometimes feel I can't go on being patient and understanding and loving. I want him to be different and I don't want to have to cope endlessly. Sometimes I'm so crap at it and I just hate him.
Not sure what anybody can do, just wanted to say it. It's such a taboo. Of course there's no option, of course I just have to try the best I can and go on, one foot in front of the other. This is a bad patch, it won't be like this forever. I have to believe that, or I'd slit my wrists...

please post more on here, people will understand, my DS's issues are slight different, but it must be awfully draining dealing with aggressive behaviour.

No, you are in the right place, where you don't get people wittering that God gives special children to spacial people.
We've all been there, and will be again. It's hard and soul-destroying and I used to wake up and go into his room when he was asleep at 2am just to look at him and remember that I did love him really.
How old is he? I found mine has got easier and easier as he's grown. He has strategies, can move away from trouble, has developed a sense of humour and hasn't belted anyone for over a year. Whereas when he was in primary, it was a daily occurrence.
So you may be up shit creek, carving your own paddle with your teeth whilst trying to hold it together, but you are not on your own and yes, it will pass.

Let's not think of the next load coming down the line!

Sorry your having a bad time, i find most days a struggle, both my dd's are on the spectrum and both have different problems and needs, luckily they don't really have any major behaviural problems (although yesterday dd2 found it funny to slam my head against the wall whilst sat on my lap in the doctors waiting room). My main problem is other people, i have just started using a Special needs buggy for dd2 (as she runs off) and i am finding it hard to cope with the stairs from other parents, i also feel sad when people discus there children with me as they are so different than my dd's. Dd1 is getting older (6) and is starting to notice that she's different, i just feel like keeping them at home and protecting them but i know i could not cope with them at home all day.

I think all you can do is take each day as at it comes, some days are worse than others, there will be good days and bad days.

How old is your DS? Could you get any help/restbite? Do you have family near by to give you support?

I totally understand how you feel, I am exactly the same fairly often. I wish I was able to offer you some advice but I just plod along hoping that one day things will get better. x

i was there earlier in the week, i also posted on here, i find that there is no one i can tell how bad im feeling sometimes and that by typing it on here im telling so many people who have been there and come through, and that takes a weight off my shoulders rather than keep it bubbling inside. i know how you are feeling xxx

As a parent, you get better at spotting trouble before the explosion, you become more skilled at navigating the schools and the other professionals, You usually develop a flameproof thick skin, get irritated rather than tearful about other parents' suggestions to improve your parenting and become more confident about problem solving, with a rocket launcher if necessary.
You start adapting, and working out how to deal with what you have, rather than the child other people think you should have. I still do the calculation in my head about an AS child having an emotional age that is 2/3 of their chronological age. So mine is 15 going on 10.
It gets easier with practice, and all of you benefit. Just takes a while.

Thanks to you all for your kind and supportive words. I'm all teary again. You know, Goblinchild, I go in and look at ds every single night to remember I do love him really. (He's only 6 and sometimes when I look at him asleep my heart breaks for how difficult he finds his life.) And yes you are right, Pokhara, simply typing out did take a weight off my shoulders. Anyway I'll take that virtual chocolate cake (delicious! thank you) and go and eat it with a glass of wine.

Stop lurking and start posting too, that helps.
because you can rant and yell here and no one will judge you as a terrible parent. Because we know exactly how it feels.

Now, if Vicinatutu was here, and WetAugust, we could share some of the hysterically unreal looking-glass stories of our Aspie teens and their interactions with the NT world.

I'll join the ranks of those who understand. I sometimes do a little happy dance when the kids have gone to bed/school or whatever. I've even admitted to enjoying the peace when DS1 is poorly and actually calm. (My payback is the shitstorm when he's on the mend and more irritable and hyperactive than ever)

Hi niminypiminy, I have only recently found this forum and it is a great find I reckon.

It is so hard to say "actually I am unhappy and I don't like things and there are days I don't like this child" as there is a stigma generally that you can't say that etc etc BUT this forum so far seems to be full of supportive people who do understand and do live in the real world of living with a special needs child/ren. I very tentatively put my first post on earlier in the week (when I felt mega down and lonely) and expected lots of people to be really horrible to me, but they weren't (thankfully!)

ASD seems(from the limited knowledge I currently have) to be a very cruel disease to the child and also to all those who live with the child, I guess we all need to find people we can sound of to and these people need to be people who really know how it feels.

Enjoy the wine and choc cake, I'll add a big bag of yummy fudge to the treats. x

ditto everything everyone has said
i feel the same at times as well its a battle isnt it but then they do something nice and its wow

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) to all

Don't get me wrong, I worry like mad for them - specially for DS2 when he was really sick, the other week, but DS1 was a wee bit off colour and totally cuddly and sweet, tonight. It was so nice to have cuddles off him that didn't come with teeth and kicky feet, even if he did cover me with recipe books so I could look at cakes!

oh, I agree so much! about the only time I get a cuddle, when he will snuggle up to me like an NT child does is when he has hurt himself. Of course, I don't deliberately try to trip him up, but, you know, it's just lovely to have him climb into my lap for once.

niminypiminy, if it is any comfort at all, I have been on the verge of tears all night tonight. I had only finished telling DH that we needed to try 2 weeks of super-positive strategies to encourage DD's independence (we are worried as it seems to be going backwards), and boost her self-esteem. Not half-an-hour later I reached my breaking point and in a rant told DD that it was all about her and how she has to dominate everything

Poor girl is only 4. She doesn't deserve to have a mother like me.

Well, you know, Lou, I'm new here but I even I can tell that that's completely wrong and you shouldn't take it out on yourself. Motherhood's great isn't it? Everything's always our fault, and we just do ourselves down about our failings all the time.

.....and us Mums/StepMums didn't deserve to have the deal life dealt us. You are not a Mum your DD doesn't deserve lou031205, everyone can flip their lid and say things they wish they hadn't at times. I know I have to my non special needs kids as well as to my DSD with autism. You are human and sometimes its just too much.

had too many vinos to type a constructive response... but I'm with you all the way...

I constantly feel that i'm not good enough to be an ASD Mum...not strong enough..

tomorrow is another day.. im off to look at my sleeping DS and marvel at how beautiful he is (even if his slumber is melatonin induced!!!)

Not having a good evening. DS has been at tail end of a tummy bug for over ten days. So every day or two we have a poo incident. He's had 3.5 days off school already (the 0.5 of a day when he got sent home early after a soiling incident); and you know, instead of feeling sorry for him, I'm feeling stressed, and thinking yet more time off school.