I am a terrible SN mother

[niminypiminy]

Normally I lurk on this board, but tonight I am so full of despair I don't know what to do, and this seems like the only place to let it out. I know I should feel that I love my child who has an ASD enough that I wouldn't want to change him. I know I should feel that without the ASD he wouldn't be him. I know I should have enough love and understanding to see the world from his point of view. Well, I suppose sometimes I do. But often he is so damned difficult that I would give anything for just one day of normality. Just one day when he didn't throw things, hit his brother, hit his parents, when I could trust him to go in the kitchen alone, when he would listen when I have to say no. Just one day when I can listen to other parents talk about their children without feeling sad, just one day when he could play with other children without hurting them, just one day when we could have a normal family life. Just one normal, happy day. I sometimes feel I can't go on being patient and understanding and loving. I want him to be different and I don't want to have to cope endlessly. Sometimes I'm so crap at it and I just hate him.
Not sure what anybody can do, just wanted to say it. It's such a taboo. Of course there's no option, of course I just have to try the best I can and go on, one foot in front of the other. This is a bad patch, it won't be like this forever. I have to believe that, or I'd slit my wrists...

God yes Riven, I love my kids but I don't bloody love the autism! If I could wave a magic wand I'd get rid of that in a second! Why would I (or anyone) choose a life for their child of poo in the pants, the child unable to talk or talk properly, the confusion, the bewilderment, the frustration...You wouldn't. You'd have to be bloody bonkers!

but we don't get that choice. So we play the hand we're dealt.

And part of that is finding a safe place to rant and rail against the unfairness of it all. This is one of those places, niminy

my eldest is very miserable about his autism. He is aware enough to know that he is not like his peers and that they don't treat him like a friend - they're not friends, they're kind to him, but that's not the same thing. The boys in particular are distancing themselves from him as they get older. He's just too weird for them He wants to be like them, but he just can't. He can't stop the gibbering, the flapping, the juddering and the way he talks - high pitched sometimes, repeating himself or he way he gets in your face, so many things that set him apart from them. He knows he is different. He doesn't want to be.

ds2 on the other hand, is in his own, blissfully happy, world. Doesn't know, doesn't care. Just does whatever pleases him in the moment. He's very odd too but doesn't know it.

I am happier for ds2 than for ds1. ds2 is not aware, so he's happy how he is. If he's happy, I'm happy.

ds1's personality would be very different if he didn't have autism. He'd have friends, for a start! go round to mates houses, go to the shops, to the park. He'd have a life! He'd be a different person without the autism, sure! Instead of being a nice, kind, gentle, stimming, high pitched obsessive he'd be a nice, kind, gentle sociable boy with proper friends, not girls who are kind to him and boys who tolerate him.

I know which I'd prefer for him!

So I guess it all comes down to how well you function alongside the autism, iyswim.

High functioning - happy - lives a 'normal' life, is a bit weird, but happy = fine

Oblivious to how weird you are = fine

stuck in the middle and miserable = not fine

welcome aboard ...it's a long up and down track, stop and have a cuppa with us when going gets tough/fab etc as we are all at different stages/stops many have been on your journey several times....coming here makes it less bumpy alot of the time as unloading it promotes smoother ride (sorry ds into chuggerton at mo and thinking train mode )

Have you had counselling OP?

I had 6 months worth- by phone of all things - 1 hour once a month. I found it really helpful, particularly in dealing with the differences between ours and other peoples lives (ds1 is severely autistic)- had some with someone very experienced with working with families living with autism (think that was an essential part of it being useful).

I didn't think I needed it, but it came as part of a package - actually I think it was one of the best things we've ever done.

Been there too.
I just didn't feel able to admit to others how awful it was when he threatened us with knives, threw furiniture around etc.
I have to admit we resorted to medication and it was the best thing we could have done. He has made a lot of improvements since and is now gradually decreasing the dose.
With hindsight we can see just how unhappy he was and the only people he could take it out on was us.