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Ds2 and I got thrown out of the barber's

78 replies

lingle · 23/02/2010 17:28

Ds2 has big issues with haircuts but we had been making progress - He only cried right at the end last time.

Today, we got there at 3pm, saw there was just one customer there already having his cut, waited half an hour, by which time other children were coming in after school. Ds2 kept trying to calm himself down, saying that mummy would ask the barber to put the hairdryer on the shelf and the barber would say "ok".

It got to our turn. I asked the barber if I could move the hairdryer as DS2 is terrified of them.

He said, no, that he didn't have time for messing around, next please. I was obviously taken about and said all I wanted was for him to move the hairdryer. He said no, get out. I asked if I had done or said anything offensive and if there was any reason why he couldn't have told us sooner if he was going to refuse to serve us and got the immortal line: "I don't like you and I don't like your wingeing kid".

So we left.

Another mother with a reception-aged child was waiting and very kindly walked out with us and gave me a hug and a pick-me-up chat which of course I appreciated and which equally of course made me dissolve into tears on the street.

longer term, it's annoying because I think with any anxiety-based problem like this you don't want to back away once you're committed - I can just see Ds2 next time at (another) barbers saying "no mummy the barber's too busy".

am tempted to compose letter to local newspaper: "to the lady who comforted me after the Barber at xxxx barbers shouted at my disabled child because he was frightened of the hairdriers and told me to get out "because I don't like your winging kid". Thank you. It was a humiliating experience but you made me feel better".

dare I?

Also it makes you realise how having receptive language delay, sensory issues and ASD traits is not something that you can explain in a succinct riposte to a man like that.

Am still crying (but cry easily LOL)

OP posts:
lingle · 26/02/2010 10:45

fabulous idea grumpy. Very Rosa Parkes.

OP posts:
lingle · 26/02/2010 11:29

I have drafted the following letter and would appreciate your comments. I have kept in the name of the barbers as am happy for any local SN board users to know where this happened, but please don't say the name of the town even if you know it (don't want to have to name-change)

Dear Sir,

Complaint and Notice under Disability Discrimination Act

I am writing to you because you refused to cut my son X?s hair on Tuesday 23rd February 2010 after I asked you if I could move the hairdryer because X is very frightened of it. You refused to serve us because of reasons connected to a disability that X has. You may not have been aware of the disability. I am therefore writing to you, after taking advice from the Equality and Human Rights Commission, to put you on notice of the disability and to invite you to make reasonable adjustments in the light of it.

X?s Sensory Problems

X?s senses have not developed in a typical way. This means that noises and sensations that may be unremarkable to an adult are very loud or even painful for him. Because of the unusual way he perceives sounds, he only started to understand very basic language well over the age of 3. He is now 4 years and 6 months old and making rapid progress, and is just beginning to understand concepts of his hair growing and needing to be cut. We have had his hair cut at Chaps at least four times already, and each time he has been afraid, but each time he has behaved more calmly and cried less than the last, and we had been making good progress with this difficult issue. Whilst at Chaps, I supervise him closely, and I work as hard as I can without a moment?s pause to calm and reassure him and to make the event pass as smoothly as possible.

Incident on 23rd February 2010

On 23rd February, X and I had come into Chaps at about 2.50 pm, after checking that there was only one customer in the shop and no-one waiting. We waited for at least 20 minutes for our turn ? perhaps the previous customer?s cut took longer than is typical at your shop. X was afraid when he saw the hairdryers and repeatedly asked me to ask you to move them, and I reassured him that I would do this. While we were waiting, four more customers came into the shop and were also waiting their turn. X did not disrupt your work or interfere with other customers.

When it came to our turn, I told you that I had a request, and you told me that you didn't have time for messing around, and asked the next customer to be seated. I was taken aback and said all I wanted was for you to move the hairdryer. You told me to ?get out?. I asked if I had done or said anything offensive and you replied: "No?. Then you added: ? I don't like you and I don't like your whingeing kid". I said that I would find out who owned the business and you replied ?It?s my business?. I left.

Your behaviour towards me and my son was so aggressive that another customer, whom I have never met before but who I now know to be the mother of a child in reception at XYZ primary school, chose to leave the shop with me and X without having her son?s hair cut rather than remain there. The incident was extremely distressing to me as it would have been to anyone in my position. You behaved abusively to me in front of a room full of strangers. Your words were personally insulting to me and my child for reasons connected to my child?s disability. I had to think quickly in order to explain your behaviour to X so that his fear of the barbers would not increase still further.

Had you suggested to me in a civil tone that it might be better to come back at a quieter time, I would have been willing to do this.

I made a full note of the conversation on Tuesday 23rd February whilst it was fresh in my mind.

Your Legal Obligations

Chaps Barbers is a service provider under the Disability Discrimination Act. The Disability Discrimination Act says that it is unlawful for a service provider to discriminate against a disabled person by:

Refusing to provide (or deliberately not providing) any service which it offers or provides to members of the public;

Providing service of a lower standard or in a worse manner;

Providing service on worse terms;

By failing to comply with a duty to make reasonable adjustments if that failure has the effect of making it impossible or unreasonably difficult for the disabled person to make use of any such service

unless such discrimination can be justified.

Clearly, such discrimination cannot be justified in this case. It is very common for young children to have a fear of the barbers and it ought to be within the normal skills of a barber offering haircuts to children to adapt their service to minimise the child?s distress.

Future Visits to Chaps Barbers

I am willing to bring X to Chaps Barbers only on weekdays before 2.30pm to reduce the chances of a queue of school children developing while we wait or are served. If it takes longer to cut X?s hair than another four year old?s, I am willing to pay for the extra time pro-rated.

For my own sake, I will always wait for your colleague to be present and available, since you have expressed such personal hostility towards me and my child.

For your part, I expect Chaps Barbers to make the following reasonable adjustments in the light of my son?s disability.

  1. To be willing to move the hairdryers away from him and not to use them on him
  2. To refrain from any other behaviour that I tell you will frighten him
  3. To refrain from criticising or abusing him or me
  4. To stop the haircut if I ask you to.
  5. To be patient, knowing that if the cut takes longer, you will be paid more.

Please reply in writing within 14 days to tell me whether you agree to make these reasonable adjustments and what further adjustments you propose to make to assist children like X who have sensory problems.

If I do not receive a written reply within 14 days, then I shall refer the matter back to the Equality and Human Rights Commission and I reserve my right to take further action under the Disability Discrimination Act.

Yours sincerely,

OP posts:
Veritythebrave · 26/02/2010 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PreachyPeachyRantsALot · 26/02/2010 12:31

Keep an eye out for children's hairdressers opening lcoally; we've agined three in the past year and not only are they generally great with SN, they even open in the evenings for children llike yours so they can egt their hair cut in peace.

Also, someone I know is a hairdresser at an ASD base in Bristol and specialises in ASD, communciation and anxiety disorders: maybe somewhere like that coudl recommend someoone?

BTW man in the barbers was a fuckwit, he didn't deserve your money and will now go promptly to Hell.

PreachyPeachyRantsALot · 26/02/2010 12:33

Oh and Lingle, yes send it, it is fabulous.

Mouseface · 26/02/2010 13:16

Wow, Lingle. Just read your thread. Did that barber have a huge bowl of "I'm a fuckin evil twat person" for breakfast that morning....... How the hell did you keep so calm? Hats off to you for that!

Regardless of whether or not he knew about your DS's dx, why would you speak to someone like that in the first place, especially infront of a small child? What a pig.I hope he catches genital warts, on his face!! (Too much? Sorry if offended anyone)

Well, send that awesome letter and see what he has to say then. It may be his business but if word gets round about what he did, he won't be so bsuy for much longer! Also, do the thank you letter in the local papaer, I did that after a really bad car crash (not my fault!) I had my DD in the car and it was totalled, Easter weekend so no courtesy car and we were 100 miles from home. Loads of people stopped to help, offered their bathrooms should we need it, food and one lady even gave my DD an Easter Egg while we waited for the police!! See, there are some good folk out there still!!!! Like your lady, so let her know.

I hope the Barber has the bollocks balls he was born with to apologise and behave in a correct and propper manner towards you once he does find out why your DS would rather not see a hairdryer!!

Good luck with it! x

leavingonajetplane · 26/02/2010 20:51

Thats a great letter and will be very interested to know how you get on, if you would update!

deaddei · 26/02/2010 21:52

What a bastard.
My ds hated having hair cut (no SN, just hated the sensation of hair falling onto his face)
We found a mobile hairdresser who was so good- stuck a Thomas dvd on and he was much better.
Fantastic letter.

WetAugust · 26/02/2010 23:43

OK - I'll go against the flow again.

It's over long and over-detailed.

For goodness sake - keep a sense of proportion here - and I speak as the mother of a son who has the same terrors of day-to-day things so I can assue you I've been on the receiving end of a lot of unwelcome treatment when taking son out and about.

I make sure that evryone who has to come into intimate contact with myDS knows about his disabilities - i.e. dentist, hairdresser, etc. I even checked his driving instructor knew and was happy to take him on - several were not but i accepted that as i didn't want to 'force ' him on someone who would / could not treat him with the additional patience he would require.

But I honestly feel you are making far too much of this.

Find another barbers.

Save your energy for the important fights that really matter.

Best wishes

Lauree · 27/02/2010 09:28

oh lord!

I can just imagine it... our visit's to the barber have been rather fraught.

Your letters a great one, but I would only send it if you don't want to go back to that barber. ever.
If I got a letter like that I'd be really upset and angry, and I wouldn't want a barber with vengance on his mind giving my DS a trim!

I do DS's myself now... sit him front of the computa so he's mesmerised, then snip away. got some proper scissors from boots, so the results have improved from the early days when I used the kitchen scissors...

Phoenix4725 · 27/02/2010 09:56

intresting ds has problesm but till we moved we had a very understanding baber who would cut ds hair during lunch when he shut up and knew all the things that ds found to much , ie clippers,hairdryers and spray water .

Now not looking forward to having to explain it all over again

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/02/2010 10:00

I feel the letter is good but a bit too complicated, because, IMHO the barber doesn't sound like the most intelligent man ever, so not sure he could follow it, it needs to be shorter and to the point I think.

troublewithtalk · 27/02/2010 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PreachyPeachyRantsALot · 27/02/2010 10:29

I agree thetroublewith, and of coursde this is the sort of thing that chnanges a fear into a phobia; as someone with a few phobias that does affect daily living I woudln't wish that on anyone.

nappyaddict · 01/03/2010 02:04

Have you sent it yet?

Shells · 01/03/2010 03:33

I think its a very good letter and hopefully will scare him witless. Worth if for that. And for your own peace of mind - never give him your business again, adjustments or not.

lingle · 01/03/2010 16:39

thanks everyone. I sent it today with a final line saying basically thanks for reading and let's hope you learn something about sensory problems.

we'll see what happens next

OP posts:
genieinabottle · 01/03/2010 16:48

Good on you!
That's a fine letter you wrote , i hope he buckles and apologises. Lets' hope that will teach him a lesson. Keep us updated.

donkeyderby · 01/03/2010 17:30

I'm slightly with Wetaugust on this one. The barber is obviously a rude man who doesn't tolerate children and as such I wouldn't bother to go back to Chaps - find another barber with a better attitude.

How could this man guess that your child has a disability if it is not obvious? Perhaps if you had explained that he was disabled, the ogre may have adjusted his attitude. If he had continued to be obnoxious and refused to give your son a haircut despite your explanations, then fair enough, go at him via the DDA.

Most of us parents of SN children think twice before we judge another child's behaviour, but we have the benefit of knowledge of SN. Most people don't

lingle · 01/03/2010 18:16

donkey, too late!

OP posts:
troublewithtalk · 01/03/2010 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coppertop · 01/03/2010 18:43

I'm late to this thread but just wanted to say 'well done' to lingle. Good luck with the letter and I hope it makes the miserable git barber think twice before doing this kind of thing again.

5inthebed · 01/03/2010 18:50

Totally missed this thread.

Well done Lingle on sending the letter. Read your OP and was very before I realised the date of it. Hope he replies back with what you want, the tosser miserable sod

lingle · 01/03/2010 19:06

thank-you

OP posts:
RaggedRobin · 01/03/2010 21:05

great letter lingle. it felt cathartic just reading it! he deserved a letter like this for appalling customer service, regardless of your ds's issues. his rudeness was compounded by the fact that he was being discriminatory, intentionally or not, and so it was necessary to bring this to his attention. well done (and hurrah for the lovely lady who walked out with you).