Ds2 and I got thrown out of the barber's

[lingle]

Ds2 has big issues with haircuts but we had been making progress - He only cried right at the end last time.

Today, we got there at 3pm, saw there was just one customer there already having his cut, waited half an hour, by which time other children were coming in after school. Ds2 kept trying to calm himself down, saying that mummy would ask the barber to put the hairdryer on the shelf and the barber would say "ok".

It got to our turn. I asked the barber if I could move the hairdryer as DS2 is terrified of them.

He said, no, that he didn't have time for messing around, next please. I was obviously taken about and said all I wanted was for him to move the hairdryer. He said no, get out. I asked if I had done or said anything offensive and if there was any reason why he couldn't have told us sooner if he was going to refuse to serve us and got the immortal line: "I don't like you and I don't like your wingeing kid".

So we left.

Another mother with a reception-aged child was waiting and very kindly walked out with us and gave me a hug and a pick-me-up chat which of course I appreciated and which equally of course made me dissolve into tears on the street.

longer term, it's annoying because I think with any anxiety-based problem like this you don't want to back away once you're committed - I can just see Ds2 next time at (another) barbers saying "no mummy the barber's too busy".

am tempted to compose letter to local newspaper: "to the lady who comforted me after the Barber at xxxx barbers shouted at my disabled child because he was frightened of the hairdriers and told me to get out "because I don't like your winging kid". Thank you. It was a humiliating experience but you made me feel better".

dare I?

Also it makes you realise how having receptive language delay, sensory issues and ASD traits is not something that you can explain in a succinct riposte to a man like that.

Am still crying (but cry easily LOL)

ooh very useful debs (you can always find a specialist on this board)

• so if I write to them that will give them actual knowledge and remove any excuse?

horrible man.

Something similarish happened to me recently. Unusually I wrote about it on my blog.

I have taken great delight in not using this particular newsagents again (and I used to use it a lot, as did dh). He didn't refuse to serve me so I couldn't threaten him with the DDA but I wonder whether I should have written to him (enclosing an information leaflet or something).

The irony was there was someone behind me in the queue with obvious LD's (who was probably more able than ds1) and the newsagent was perfectly pleasant to him.

Yes, it would. I would spell out that children on the spectrum frequently have these types of anxieties and profound sensory issues and that it is far from unusual. Fear of haircuts or going to the barbers seems to be par for the course from what I can see .

Given the prevalence of the condition, and the obligations of the DDA, they would do well to adopt a more understanding approach.

DS was very funny about having his haircut, itching and scratching when hair dropped on him, hating water being sprayed. The barber we used was getting very bad tempered with him. One day I just said he had very sensitive skin and that he had eczema (which he does) and that changed this blokes attitude completely. He has a son who'd had eczema as a baby and kept them up all night.

People are often ignorant in the true sense of the word and intolerant and bad-tempered and rude. They deserve to know how badly wrong they misjudged this situation and what the consequences for their business could be if they did it again.

Sorry to hear about your experience Lingle. Barber sounds like a right toss pot with no customer service skills. Good on the other mum for walking out in support and yes, I think I would complain either in writing to barber or contact the local paper.

Astonishing.
Your ds has sn.
What is the barber's excuse?
Born horrid?

I m Grrrrr on your behalf

I'll get flamed but I'll take the chance....

This is one of the problems that you will encounter without a dx.

Without a dx he has no officially recognised disabilities so you can't use the DDA.

That's why when the debate is raging as to whether to dx or not my own view is that a dx is far preferable when it comes to explaining your child's problems than having to listen to him being described as a whingeing brat.

Just my own views.

Sorry to hear about your bad experience with the a*hole barber. You've reminded me of the time I took my son to the barber years ago before I knew he had ASD. He was absolutely terrified as soon as the barber brought the electric rasor near his head and started screaming; so we went back to the waiting area and he calmed down and he promised me he was ok and would let the guy cut his hair. After the barber had got through the next customer we had another attempt. After about 4 times, and an hour or so later, the barber recommended that I go to Argos and buy a rasor myself - a great investment. Even though DS never really liked having his hair cut, he just about coped at home and is much better now.
I always like to write a letter of complaint when I've had a bad experience so I think you should write to the guy and tell him how wrong his behaviour was.

WetAugust, you're wrong. You do not need a diagnosis of anything to come within the DDA. This is a question of fact to be decided by a court but the Act defines a disabled person as someone who has a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long-term adverse effect on his or her ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities. The Act says:

substantial means neither minor nor trivial

long term means that the effect of the impairment has lasted or is likely to last for at least 12 months (there are special rules covering recurring or fluctuating conditions)

normal day-to-day activities include everyday things like eating, washing, walking and going shopping

a normal day-to-day activity must affect one of the 'capacities' listed in the Act which include mobility, manual dexterity, speech, hearing, seeing and memory

I sympathise - I won't go near the barbers with DS, I leave DH to it.

DH used to take DS to a local barbers. Most of the staff were nice and playful with DS, but one was always grumpy. The last time they went in for a haircut, the grumpy one got DS and said, with a scowl, 'Looks like I've drawn the short straw'. DH never went back.

One thing - if the man didn't realise your DS was disabled, would he just be grumpy rather than discriminatory?

But that's the point Debs. There is no record of anyone stating that a physical or mental impairment is present that has a substantial ... etc.

No dx has been sought so its only the parent's view that the child might have such a disability. As far as I remember lingle has deliberately chosen not to go down the dx path (which she is perfectly entitled not to do).

Had Lingle stated to the barber my son is acting this way because he has ASD then yes - the barber was contravening the DDA.

Determining that a disability does in fact exist is the first action of any SENDIST. I am constantly surprised by some of the cases in which they rule that no disability exists.

Throw the book at him!

I feel very sad thinking about your poor DS really trying really hard to calm himself and then this happening

Get even.

Really. You know how. Lovely to thank the kind person also

WetAugust, how would a diagnosis help with the babrber's knowledge of a disability?

My posts confirmed that it is necesary, top some extent, to prove that there was knowledge that that a disability existed.

This disability does not have to be formally diagnosed.

The fact here is that the barber probably didn't know there was a disability but maybe should be more aware of these things in future.

But this is about the barber's knowledge of the issue and not about the fact of a diagnosis. How would a diagnosis on a piece of paper have helped lingle in this situation? If she had said, he has profound sensory issues it could have achieved the same effect as saying he has autism.

In this way, people, like me, awaiting dx for their kids are covered because of their child's impairments rather than formal dx.

WetAugust, I think what the barber needs to know is that DS2 wasn't being naughty, he was frightened, and he was frightened because he has underlying sensory problems.

Have called the Equality Commission's helpline, very helpful, they are going to email me a template letter to send to the barbers.

just in case people are interested, the helpline chap said:

• as Debs said it doesn't matter about not having an ASD dx, DS2's more than likely to qualify as "disabled" for the purposes of the Act
• as Debs said again, it does matter that the barber didn't know about the disability - I need to put him on notice telling him what reasonable adjustments he should make, and offering appropriate adjustments myself eg coming only at quieter times, being willing to pay a pro-rated amount if it takes twice as long.
• they've have 7 days to reply otherwise I can go back to equality commission.

- it is entirely appropriate to ask them to turn off the hairdryer and make other similar minor adjustments.

I now want to go back to that barbers (when the other bloke is there, I'm not that brave).

They are going to serve me.

And they are going to have to smile while they do it.

Well done lingle, thats the spirit! Have you written to the papers too? You might find a friendlier hairdresser?

After you've made your point with that barber (and its not just sn kids who hate barbers, my nt ds has always refused to have his hair cut in a barber!) have you thought about finding a hairdresser who comes to your home? There are lots about and they'll come at a time to suit you.

A hairdresser goes into ds1's school every 6 weeks (thank god- I LOVE his school )

Useful to know about the equality commission, what a great summary. Good luck lingle!

what a great idea! Might suggest the hairdresser-in-school thing to our sn school. Thanks you Mrs T!

good luck lingle! have to admit we follow mumsy's path and just use a pair of clippers and DS is reasonably good (and DH does his own with clippers anyway). Wet - I take your point re:DX - but 1)would a DX of language delay not be good enough and 2)not all kids with these sort of issue that gets assessed gets the ASD DX for whatever ?political /cynic reason.

We do that now too. Got a battery rechargeable clippers set in argos so no messing with wires and can be done in favorite chair, with dvd, at calm time etc.

But if you were making progress and your DS wants to give it another go thenIi applaud your sprit and its great you are addressing it - you wont be the only one with a special needs DC trying to use that barbers.

I assume being able to make an appointment time so your DS wont have to cope with rising anxiety while waiting could be a reasonable adjustment, and should not be impossible to do.

You poor thing. My son hates having his haircut, even though the barber was lovely , he just would not have it done. He hates having his head touched. I got myself a set of clippers, and do it myself. sometimes have to chase him round the kitchen and garden and often its not that great, but the odd long bits here and there dont matter. have even given a friends husband a cut first to see if he would have his done !!! That was a laugh i tell you. Or i try and save up a REALLY good bribe just to get hair cut.

lingle - hi, has your hubby been in yet?

2boys

decided against hubby going in as might get a bit testosterony.

Am writing letter right now - will post for comments.

I think you need to get a whole gang - contact your NAS -drum up support - and go in for a massive group haircut!