when someone finds out your DC has SN, do people then say..

[lisad123wantsherquoteinDM]

Oh I think I have that, my DD,DS has that ect ect?
I find it really weird, some people just kinda make it as an off hand comment. Dont get me wrong I know some people who are fighting for dx and that fine but Im talking about people that have never sought a dx, never had any input but just say it because say their child lines cars up, or doesnt like that cold ect. Am I the only one that gets these mad people saying this??

No, it happens to most of us that have a boy on the spectrum. Along with 'He doesn't look as if there's anything wrong with him' and a disbelief that you can have special needs without being thick.
Some of them think that they are being helpful and understanding by trying to empathise 'Oh yes, my little Beelzebub does that too...'
You need a thick skin and flameproof knickers to stay reasonably sane. Or a fixed grin and a hipflask.

I fully expect this to happen, followed by, "but I just tell them not to / to behave / blah blah"

though.

NOOOooooo! You are not alone in experiencing this. It doesn't matter which one of my DC's medical problems it is, either. When DS2 is hospitalised because he has caught a common cold, I get the 'oh my DD/DS should have been in hospital too, with how ill he/she was'. Err, NO if he/she was ill enough to go to hospital, then the GP would have sent them there...When talking about DD/DS2's asd I get 'oh DD/DS does that too, does that mean DD/DS has asd too?'...When talking about DD's heart problems, and how she gets tired more easily 'OH but my DD/DS gets tired quickly, should I get his/her heart checked?'...or when talking about DD/DS2's hypermobility syndrome 'Oh but my dc moan when I make them walk too, I wonder if they've got that'....or when talking about DS1's coeliac, and how he can't eat certain foods, I get 'Oh but my dc doesn't like bread', yeah but I'm dang sure they'd not turn down a biscuit if offered, and that one biscuit wouldn't cause them crippling pain!...GRRRRRRRRR! .

I put on Rhino skin in order to spend time with people who 'only' have NT DC's.

I got mine from the paediatrician on prescription when DD was about 4yo!

oh no, im still waiting for my thick skin, will it grow?? , a lovely family memember saw us yesterday and hasnt seen us in a while and was all "oh thats a real shame" "are they sure, she seems fine to me". I know she wasnt being unkind at all and family i can handle it from as i know they care about dd1 as much as we do, but strangers make me soo

Was telling a friend about dd2's echolilia yesterday and she looked like i shot her, she then when on to tell me how her ds does it, and i then had to explain its not just repeating words, but not using language in the right way and echoing the tone of voice, pitch ect. poor love i hope i havent paniced her now

"Along with 'He doesn't look as if there's anything wrong with him' and a disbelief that you can have special needs without being thick."

erm- can you rephrase that goblinchild - I'm a bit at it.

I do get a lot of 'oh that's a shame he looks normal' type comments which leave me doing this

Sorry Mrs Turnip.
My boy is Y10, has AS but no other learning difficulties. So many parents find it hard to be tolerant about him, because it's hard for them to cope with understanding he has sn but is managing well academically, often better than their own offspring.
Thet can't 'Ahh, bless he's got a nice smile' and feel smug.
Because with a scowl, poor social skills and a short fuse he is predicted As and Bs. So they don't understand reasonable accommodation and the specific support he has, and get annoyed and upset.
If he had learning needs attached to his dx of AS, many parents would be happier, because he'd fit the box better.

Thanks goblin. I meant I was a bit at it! But yes I guessed that is what you meant. TBH though many people can't understand that ds1 has SLD's because he doesn't 'look' like he has (whatever that means), so they still think he is just acting up or something. Prejudices about LD's run deep- so deep most people don't even realise they hold them.

My DS has a feeding tube taped to his face with teddy stickers so people can see that he has something "wrong" (not my phrase) with him.

Take this morning, out at the shops, nice lady wanders up and says "oh, has he been poorly". Me thinks how do I answer this without crying knowing that in the morning we'll be taking him back for yet more surgery but no, he's not poorly, just different to your children. HHHmmmm . So I just said, he's always had the tube. He's fed that way, smiled and walked off. I got a gold star from my DH for not crying too!!

It is hard though, knowing what to say, how to react etc. Especially when I do get the starers!! "What the fcuk are you looking at!!!!!!" goes through my head but not out of my mouth.

Remember to look after your thick skin girls, you'll need it for a long time

Yes we've had similar stupid comments.
One relative in particular always comnpares her ds to mine (they are same age but her ds is nt and mine asd).
On several occasions she has said 'N lines up his cars sometimes, he too had a phases at opening/closing doors...why don't anyone tells me he has autism!' FGS!! her ds has also age appropriate speech, social skills, play and self help.
When she sees how much my ds struggles with language she then moves on to compare him to her 2 years old nt dd!!

Goblin if he had Lds thicko parents would not believe they existed or would be annoyed that time and money was being wasted on vegetables instead of their children. I use thick to mean someone who is too lazy to think not a child trying their best to learn

Absolutely cyberseraphim, but he used to get a lot of angry and aggressive comments from parents who thought that there was nothing 'wrong' with him other than being spoilt, and that he belonged in an EBD school or Young Offenders unit. Not mainstream.
If he'd been smiley with LDs and curriculum support in class, they could have been patronising and gracious, allowing that he was trying the best he could.
He was trying the best he could, just not in a way they could understand and categorise. Truly an uninformed, lazy response.

Oh yes the ' it's not fair so much money gets spent On SN and not little johnnie ' brigade. I always suggest they do the same as every parent of a child with SN and battle for provision if little johnnie's isn't adequate. Honestly they think it is handed out on a plate.

what a shame

My MIL is totally in denial. She refuses to belive DS has ASpergers and when my hubby informed her of his diagnosis too she said..

'Well there was nothing wrong with you when you lived here, you must have caught it after you left home!'

She hates me by the way, so she probably thinks he caught it off me. Ha ha.

I feel like shouting 'YOU STUPID BLOODY WOMAN' but it's pointless even talking to her.

It's when you get this from school that it is so annoying.

Sitting there with a community paediatrician and the head of paediatric occupational therapy, SENCO and one of DS's class teachers, we listened to how he had complex needs, including Developmental Coordination Disorder on top of probable ASD, to how it was going to be hard to keep a child like him in school as the day was so physically tiring, to how he was below average in a range of fine motor skills...

Teacher 'most boys of this age just don't like writing

I still get it about Ds1 and he is 12, had an operation to get his foot flat, can't walk far, still has an unusual gait, and yet people say 'but he looks normal'

I also get 'Oh but she is so pretty and sweet' about DD1, double

Conversely, I actually like it now when people say 'but he looks normal' 'does he really go to a SEN school' 'he has such brilliant language skills' because it means that all that bloody hard work on ours and his part has worked. He's not behaving oddly he is integrating into the mainstream world where he belongs if he wants to earn himself a living.

I do get a bit grrrrr when someone will say 'Oh he must be so intelligent as he is Apsie, is he good at Maths'. Errrr no.

Or the pain in the ass woman in the shoe shop when he couldn't do up his shoe laces (he can now - yipee) when I told her that he was severely dyspraxic said very bossily 'well my niece is dyspraxic and she can do up her shoe laces' I really really really wanted to kick her.

I do get the pissoffidness though of others when people say their kid has something that it so patently hasn't. I suppose they are only trying to empathise and before my world of SEN I would have been just as cack handed and possibly may well still be (I try not to).

'well my niece is dyspraxic and she can do up her shoe laces' I really really really wanted to kick her

I would have been sorely tempted!

With the pointiest-heeled boot in the shop

'I'm sure he'll catch up, children develop at different rates you know'

Really? I must pass on your wisdom to the paediatrician and the SALT, and the physio, and the ot, oh and the play therapist, oh yeah and the ed dept

Do you feel like you spend all your time justifying why your dc has /is waiting for a dx? As if we would choose this for them?!

Ds's self injurious behaviour (meeting with the school after his release from hospital and almost having a finger amputated)

Head Teacher 'we have a boy similar to ds in the school, he licks his lips every few minutes'