how do we stay husband and wife and still be carers?

[trace2]

we finding thing very difficult to stay married we take turns sleeping as both have different problems, dh stays up to make sure dd gets more bowls feeds till 1 am i take ds to bed at 8 usually drop to sleep, till dh comes up, then i watch dd ( i do try to sleep she at side of me), then ds wakes up loads in night in the end dh goes in to sleep with him so he don't get up or settle him! we do get respite but spend most of time running house or falling asleep. well last night we did get to talk ( a rare thing ) both admitted we thought of splitting up and not sure it wont happen with all the stress how on earth do we get to be a coupleagain?

Laugh.

It's the only way to get through it. Use difficult times to bond, not to tear into each other.

I'm the last person on earth to give general marriage advice but in terms of the kids - there's no reason for that to bring you down.

Just be kind to each other, considerate and always remember that you're in it together.

And did I mention laugh about it? The things we have poked fun at over the years, oh my...

thank you heQet, we do try to laugh but its so dam hard! i think whats makes it worse is dh is depressed i feel likeam looking after 3 kids not two.

Sorry to hear that. Is he on medication?

yes he is and had council ling but been told till we find out what's up with dd or he accepts it he wont get better

That sounds hard on you both, does your daughter not have a diagnosis then? If he is finding it hard to accept, could you find support groups (I know if you don't have a disgnosis you can't find specific ones but there might be something more general?) and go along?

we tried every thing to be honest, ds as aspergers and we think dh as too which helps , no no idea about dd but we do get lots of input from nurses who come out to dd.

Trace, my DP is asd himself, and also suffers from crippling depression at times. We have been together (very on and off) for almost 11 years, but with gaps between. We have eventually worked out that it works best for us where he has his own flat, and although it's not like he 'storms out' or anything, if we're starting to piss each other off annoy each other, we can say that he can spend a few nights at his flat with the caveat that if I am not coping I can phone him and he will come over. Not ideal, but it works for us, as with my epilepsy as well as the DC's problems, it can all get a bit much (for either of us) without a break form each other. I agree that sometimes it is more like having a 4th DC, but then again, he has to look after me when I have a seizure.

I have to say, my dx of Epilepsy was the final nail in the coffin 5 years ago, as DD was already informally dxd asd, and we had been told that DS2 had quite a few problems inc. GDD, then my epilspy got really bad. He lost his job, and got REALLY depressed, and we ended up splitting up. We got back together for a yr in 2005-06, then split up again due to his depression. We got back together again in August last year. I think this time round, we seem to try to talk things through a lot better. He has admitted to me that he was so busy trying to cope with his depression, and the DC's problems, that he just couldn't accept me not being the strong one that held everything together anymore, IYSWIM. I needed more from him then than he was able to give. (It took me 2 years to get my head around my dx of Epilepsy and start to cope with it, if I couldn't do it, how the heck could he??!!)

Loudlass omg you sound just like us and i think dh is struggling with my illness to but like you mine is physical, i have a cracked pelvis, and struggle with picking my kids up, then we know have the fright of my seizures, and dh lost his job just like your dh through depression he was an accountant. i hope one day we can be a husband and wife again as i do miss it so much, and i really do love him!

I think I've read somewhere that the majority of sn children end up in one-parent homes.

Oh dear, we're doomed then!

Hey, we might get more respite as single carers - thats how perverse the system is! (hmm]

My didn't work!

Sometimes I think that SS would like dh to go then there would be two households to swap dd2 back and forth between - therefore no need for respite at all!!!

i really dont think wed be together if not for ds2 with ASD we both know the other could not cope on their own he is a great Dad we are kind to each other have a laugh occasionally and share everything but a bed i think it will be like that for evermore

trace I do so feel for you!

In the very dark days of DS1 not sleeping much and being more challenging, with the addition of baby DS2 (let alone poor old neglected DD), we decided that we would split up on paper just to have another place to get away from our lunatic home life. A respite home for exhausted parents.

In the end, we got more respite and made a point of strictly dividing up childcare tasks in the house, plus taking it in turns to have a lie-in and time off from DS1. Even now, I feel quite envious of parents who have split up and who divide the childcare. A weekend to myself??!! I can only dream of it. I don't think people realise the huge effort it takes to keep a marriage alive in these circumstances.

Maybe if you can both make sure you get regular time to get away and recharge the batteries alone - £19 Travelodge/afternoon at the cinema etc., - then your DH may feel less depressed...? Sleep deprivation can be so incredibly harmful to your mental health. It's not used as a form of torture for nothing.

I think initially we stayed together because neither of us was quite callous enough to walk away.
But we are 10 years in now and we realise that we have a huge mutual respect and huge affection.
There is no man alive that I admire more than my DH and he I.

We fought like fuck for support in the early days but we also tried ( after a few years) to try and prioritise time together.

I will be brutally honest. I think the fact that we have some money made it easier attimes.
But ultimately I think we bboth just worked outthat we were just wiser versions ofthe couple who married all those years ago and that we deeply loved each other and wanted to actively try and be nice and loving to each other - - time constraints and practicalities permitting.

I think you have to grab with both hands any oppertunities just to be alone together that you can. Which is terribly difficult.

Riven.
I wonder that about my DH all the time. When I ask him he says that he wouldn't leave me to it and that bizarrely he has an admiration for me that he didn't really have when we first met.

I tend to think I had an admirable face and arse back then though

I look at him and just admire his devotion to our DCs and perhaps he ( and your DH ) feel that way too?

And there is also the fact that you are pithy and funny and one hell of a ballsy woman. And probably gorgeous ( but we would never know would we !).

oh thats sad Riven.

The trouble is thoughthat our partner is the person we want to be able to cry on about how awful we feel. But crying on their shoulder just makes them feel worse.
So the person you want to vent to about how cross or bitter or sad you are, is the very last person you can say it too.

And actually I think looking ahead is the most miserable thing to do. I try not to and just do the day to day stuff.

Does he have anyone to vent all this stuff at?

dh as too hinted he hate the life we have

pagewatch i bet riven is as gorgeous as her dd1

That is why she won't be photographed. we would all hate her

Have to attend to my boys.
G'night all... X