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how do we stay husband and wife and still be carers?

37 replies

trace2 · 29/01/2010 08:56

we finding thing very difficult to stay married we take turns sleeping as both have different problems, dh stays up to make sure dd gets more bowls feeds till 1 am i take ds to bed at 8 usually drop to sleep, till dh comes up, then i watch dd ( i do try to sleep she at side of me), then ds wakes up loads in night in the end dh goes in to sleep with him so he don't get up or settle him! we do get respite but spend most of time running house or falling asleep. well last night we did get to talk ( a rare thing ) both admitted we thought of splitting up and not sure it wont happen with all the stress how on earth do we get to be a coupleagain?

OP posts:
trace2 · 29/01/2010 18:26

night pagewatch!!!! going grey dont mean your not gorgeous riven .

OP posts:
feelingbetter · 29/01/2010 18:52

Grey is the new must have look, apparently. That's me sorted then!
I think there has been lots of good advice on here, and honesty too.
I don't think there is a parent amongst us who hasn't felt completely weighed down by it all, at some point.

We laugh - it's a very black humour these days, but we laugh. It's better than crying, tho there's a lot to be said for a good weep now and again.

We argue more now - really argue rather than our previous gentle bickering, but we both know we are stressed and have promised to apologise when we always sometimes take things out on each other.

We have time together, just us. We have respite on a Thursday evening for 3 hours. NOTHING pointless and houseworky gets done until we have sat down and had 1 simple meal together, if that's all we have time for. Sometimes, we even go out for a meal which brings me to my next point, echoing Pagwatch.
It helps to have money. We are not wealthy, but we are not struggling either and it is a massive help to be able to say 'lets use these three hours to go for a drink/meal/cinema' etc. when you do not have to worry about the next bill or if you can put the heating on . We are lucky at the moment that is an additional stress we don't have.
Also, and this is impossible for some, I work full time. I think it helps your moral generally if you have something other than being a carer. I am, for part of the time at least, something else as well as DSs Mum.

We are very fortunate, I know. It is so hard though - it is so easy for this life to become all-consuming and wear you down.
((((Hugs All)))

cloelia · 29/01/2010 19:56

don't really want to say what life is like for us except that at times have felt almost everything all of you have said. No one knows what it is like till you are in it, do they. Hey ho.

trace2 · 29/01/2010 20:13

thank you for all the reply s! so sorry we all in same boat

OP posts:
CardyMow · 29/01/2010 22:38

Splitting up with your Dp doesn't always mean a DC free w/end. Although DP used to have DS2 every other weekend while we were split up, and DS1 was at HIS dad's, that was the only time DD could have 1-2-1 attention from me, so I spent all of that weekend working on her problems IYSWIM. I haven't had a child free evening since 1998. When DD was born....BUT...Autism Anglia have offered to try to sort out some respite for me!!!! (maybe DP and I can actually have a conversation...he's been off work today to help look after the DC's as 2 of them were ill off school and I had a meeting at one of the schools). DD went to bed, and DP was asleep within 3 minutes....

ouryve · 29/01/2010 23:12

"I think it helps your moral generally if you have something other than being a carer."

This, I agree with. I do stay at home and currently have only mornings to myself, since DS1 is going through a very difficult time with school and we have him on half days. I'm finding the extra time with DS1 and his belligerence quite wearing and pretty much lost it with DH for the first time in a long time, this evening, when he wouldn't just simply sit with the kids so I could just get the kitchen cleaned up, uninterrupted by DS1 teasing his brother, pinching his brother, pulling things apart and just generally causing merry mayhem.

Anyhow, while my identity is pretty much totally mum/carer and very rarely hot, sexy wife (because never mind the kids, my perimenopausal hormones give me enough grief) I think I would lose it permanently, if I didn't regularly say that I'm going to sit and knit and if anyone wants anything, it's dad's job. Those moments of relaxation/ being skilled at something other than wiping arses, de-escalating tantrums or persuading an angry 6 year old to walk almost a mile, actually on his feet, without running off...(pausing for breath because this is a bit of an awkward sentence)... help to keep me sane and keep me from blowing my top more often.

To tell the truth, I'm often glad when DH is back at work on a Monday morning, too, since he can be bloody grumpy at weekends when he can't escape to work and play with his road maps.

donkeyderby · 29/01/2010 23:31

Loudlass - hope you don't feel I was saying it's easy for single parents!!! I am absolutely not claiming that. As I said, I am envious of those who are happy now they are separated and who do divide the childcare up strictly so they both get a weekend off. I know that it doesn't always work out like that.

CardyMow · 30/01/2010 00:45

S'ok, just having a bit of a funny day...shit/hope all at the same time IYSWIM? Part of me is happy that I might get a bloody rest if they're going to offer some respite, another part of me is I'll believe it when I see it as I've been promised help several times over the last 12 yrs that's never materialised. And DP having a BAAAAAAD bout of depression for the last month, and refusing to take his pills.... Plus 2 out of 3 have been off school with D&V today, so am just waiting for DS2 to come down with it for a full house. I've had it for the last 3 days, but of course, I'm supermum, the school appointments still have to be kept, important phone calls still have to be made, shopping still needs doing, DP still 'not hearing' DC's trying to kill each other...

donkeyderby · 30/01/2010 11:05

Only just read the above - I'm hoping today is a better day Loudlass (and Riven) x

glittery · 30/01/2010 13:12

well im one of the 9 in 10!

ds's dad decided when ds was 2 he'd had enough and put us out saying we'd be fine we'd get benefits, help etc.

3 years later we are fine to be honest, still waiting on direct payments right enough!

XP visits ds maybe twice a week for less than an hour at a time, contributes financially but other than that is absolutely no help, isnt interested in school reports, feigns interest about medical stuff etc and is just about to become a dad for the second time to a "perfect" baby

no help with your current problem i know but just to say if things do go tits up it can work out ok, we are better off without to be honest!

onlyjoinedforoffers · 30/01/2010 13:37

what a prick!!!!!

glittery · 30/01/2010 13:57

yeah, he was talking last week about how nervous he was about the new baby being born if anything goes wrong etc and then asked how i was if i was seeing anyone etc.

i said "no i dont have the time, ds needs at least one of us to look after him and if you cant then i need to" he said "no, i cant"

He then asked if i hated him, i said "no i dont hate you but i wouldnt say i like you either!"

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