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Help- all gone badly wrong with Ds1- need urgent advice.

41 replies

Peachy · 27/01/2010 17:36

OK so

DS1's school recently made several TA's redundant, I knew this but had to take a wait and see approach. I didn't know until their last day. Head was newin Spetember and apart from a brief thanks for Christmas chocs does not speak and avoids people generally: this is even taking intoa cocunt I am volunteering at th school 1/2 sessions a week.

Thre are two aggressive children in yr5,ds1 and another boy. I know nothing of him (no obvious SN but thatmeans nowt ofcourse) but know he has access to resurce room,and I have seen him hit teachers before. I will call him X.

DS1 has had deteriorating behaviour recently- stealing things to make potions, verbally aggressive, same oldsame old frankly.

We also have a new rise of the gangs, this time he and X areleading gangs. I have spoken to the old Head many times about this and it was promised itnwould be stopped, and I have also emailed repeatedly in absence of any contact with new Head. I amde notes inink book as well but haven't had it back since as 1-1 took it home and forgot toreturn it. I get impression 1-1 is so overrun that she has totake it home to do it.

DS1 gets 10 hours small group provision aweek on his statement.

In school today I saw prefects telling a teacher that X had a weapon on him, something sharp. Teacher asked him to bin it, he walked off and came back grinning, showing it o prefect as he walked past. Prefect told teachers, who shrugged and said tell a teacher on yard duty. I was dealing with ds2 at the time (he has an infection that needs treatment) so have no idea what then happened.

Anyway, at end of school ds1 comes out with threecakes.I explain that he has to give one each to his brothers, he storms off screaming bastard at me. Goes into classroom and collects uniform, he is wearing ds2's unifiorm becuase his PE kit and coat are missing again.

Dh turns up with ds4 at this point,thank goodness.

DS1 is growling and we head home. On way home he gets knocked accidentally by a gate that swings into himwhen ds3 pushes it. he comes over and screams bastard at DH,starts really hitting him. DH grabs his hands fopr a minute then marches him off home,firmly but gently.

Kids arepointing at dh out car windows laughing at this point.

When I get home I talk tods1.Apaprently he has had enough of the school, his 1-1support has reduced dramatically becuase the TA who previously spent most of her timewith him is now also TA'ing another child, I have a feeling that other child ison full1-1 but will check with his Mum tomorow. he therefore spends all day in classroom most days with no real smallgroup provision.This amkes sense so far, other kid's 1-1 was let go. This afternoon they needed someone towatch him ashe was taking the classsalter on with support and as there was no provision took me off reader duty to provide 1-1 for him. Now,Ia dore that kid soloved it but sitting watch him draw is hardly useful to him is it?

DS1says when he gets X alsone (and he willeventually) he will break his neck,X swears at him constantly and ds1 finds that hard to dealwith.

Since then ds1 has been on the rampage, bullying threatening and generally melting down.

What do I do? Obv.done allthe you cannot hurt X stuff but tono avail.

Have offered schoolmany timesforme togo for additionalhours for ds1 but never even had a reply.

I have to send ds1 in tomorrow as I have ds3's statement review at the unit.

I have no idea what to do, clearly school has collapsed under the current regime of mionimalprovision only and I don't know how to go on as I cannot prove he isn't getting his hours but there is one seriously upset kid torturing a stuffed toy ATM.

OP posts:
lou031205 · 27/01/2010 17:46

Oh my goodness, Peachy

Ok, so you have a problem. Quite a big one.

You need a plan.

Short term - stop your DS killing X
Short-Medium term - get your DS his statemented provision
Medium term - stop the gang stuff
Long term - Get your DS extra hours.

lou031205 · 27/01/2010 17:48

What time is your DS3's statement review?

Could you take DS1 to school, and insist on speaking to someone senior before leaving.

Write a letter tonight, clearly outlining the issue, what your DS is doing at home, what he has said, and what you have observed from school changes. Give the head that letter, and ask for it to be put on file.

Peachy · 27/01/2010 17:50

Long term,he's going toComp in 18 months and am wanting specialist AS placement so anything I do now helps with that.

I thought about sending him toMumsforafew days but she ahs aloton her plate atm with seriously ill BIL and my nephews.

E-mails will be ignored, Head will be away when I ask-always is.

I have copmplained before toLEA and been told I have totake up with school.
??

OP posts:
LauraIngallsWilder · 27/01/2010 17:50

Peachy - I have no advice only heartfelt sympathy (and experience, my own ds who has aspergers can be violent and has talked about arson in the past..........)

I am crying inside for you

2shoes · 27/01/2010 17:51

peachy, so sorry I can't advisebut if you ever just need to vent you have my email

Peachy · 27/01/2010 17:51

Letter a good idea,not least in case someone misunderstood Dh restraining DS1 in the road.

Will copy to LEa as well.

Review (transition review) due in April.

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 27/01/2010 17:51

am not as good on the technicalities/SEN support as a lot of ladies so feel unqualified to offer more than virtual tea and sympathy. How urgently could an urgent statement review be arranged? In the short term agree with Lou about getting a letter on record about your concerns about lack of 1-1 and safety implications for all the children.

sarah293 · 27/01/2010 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Peachy · 27/01/2010 17:52

Oh sorry ds3's review...

2.10pm.

OP posts:
lou031205 · 27/01/2010 17:55

You could phone the LEA and ask for an emergency statement review. Say you have concerns that your DS will cause significant harm to another child, and unless they do something .....

Peachy · 27/01/2010 17:55

I thought about the statement review,I have a fear of being seen toa ct out ofproportion but think that makesme under react IYSWIM.

How do I callone?

Riv have no idea how to email Governotrs, know Vicar is one but thats all. Used to be a friend (the one who toldus about DS3 sobbing in a corner, lovely lady) but she went in protest at something.

School has fallen apart with departure of Head. new one is IMO a fruitloop,even refused ds1 / 2'srequest for non-u for Haiti: minor in some ways but I was so proud of thema sking as well

OP posts:
lou031205 · 27/01/2010 17:55

Do I remember you saying that the school also refuse to put those 10 hours during breaks/lunches?

siblingrivalry · 27/01/2010 17:58

I really feel for you, Peachy and am sorry things are so hard at the moment.

I agree that the letter is a good idea, as is copying in the LA.
When did your ds last see an Ed Psyc? Maybe it might help to get him/her on board - the head needs someone to tell him how it is.

Hopefully, others will have some more suggestions. Good luck - thinking of you.

Peachy · 27/01/2010 17:58

Yep,his TA was doing in her own breaks but she'snow got other kids, so.....

They're alsoletting him eat chocolate etc when kids come in with treats (despite it being in his statement that he cannot) and that in itself causes problems as it give him severe pain which makes him aggressive.

Can I call an emergency review by e-mail?
What do I do about tomorrow?nobody will seeme,the kids go striaght into assembly with all staff. tahts another issue actually,weekly changes to routine that are making him anxious.

OP posts:
Peachy · 27/01/2010 18:00

DS1 saw an EdPsych in yr 1 or2.

She sat there saying she had no signs of aggression but refused tolook out the window where ds1 had someone in a neck barce; there are currenlty no Ed Psychs in our area, allwent,they pick 1-2 a year to see private bought in but as DS1 has seen one in DX he is afaik not eligible.

OP posts:
cornsilk · 27/01/2010 18:00

so how many hours of actual 1 to 1 is he actually getting at the moment?

siblingrivalry · 27/01/2010 18:04

Oh, God, that's crap! You must be utterly frustrated.

What about CAMHS? I had a huge run in with them last year and launched a big complaint. However, once they realised I wasn't backing down and that they had cocked up, they couldn't do enough. DD has the option of seeing a psych there if we choose to - maybe that might also help your ds?

Sorry, I feel like I'm telling you stuff you are boung to already know - hopefully we can find at leat one avenue to explore though?

Peachy · 27/01/2010 18:04

None in that it is allsmall group provision.he says he ahsnt had any for 2 days but they willjust say he'slying; I can confirm that the TA wasn't there yesterday (I was helping in the PM), and this afternoon she was plying whole class rugby then helping another child in her quota.

The child with CP who now has TA as well isluckily ds2'sfriend and coming to ds2'sparty at the weekend so I can grab Mumtherebut Is aw a PEC stylepic of TA being bandied around by another child so think she may have even more IYSWIM

OP posts:
Peachy · 27/01/2010 18:05

SR tellaway,i amgreat at otehr peoples problems,never ourown.

CAMHs is a route we'venot taken; we have a family Psych but she now just seesDH and Ito support us. never had any dealing with MH services other than that. DS1 has no professionalinvolvement of any kind,how would weaccess CAMHs?

OP posts:
daisy5678 · 27/01/2010 18:14

and for you and ds.

The first step is to write a letter to the LEA, copied into the school, demanding that the LEA make sure that the provision already written in his Statement is arranged. They can't tell you to take it up with the school as it is the LA's duty, not the school's,legally. There's a model letter on IPSEA website.

The second step is to write a letter to the school, copied in to the LA, demanding that the school arranges an interim/ emergency review of the Statement. You don't have to go into masses of detail about why - just cite mental health/ aggression/ health and safety reasons and give the example of x. Make it clear what the review is for.

Good luck, peachy. The head sounds crap but mutterings about health and safety and having ds1's potential attack on X on her conscience might help a bit.

CAMHS is great idea. J's psych is our most helpful (and impartial) professional. GP can refer, or school (best GP, IME).

CardyMow · 27/01/2010 18:48

Write a letter to the school's governors, address it to the governor for SEN (even if you don't know who that is, my school wouldn't tell me, I phoned the LEA and they told me as I explained about the school refusing to tell me). They have to pass it on, and they have 3 weeks to deal with it (in my LEA). After that (and NEVER before) the LEA will take up your complaint. Have you contacted Families in Focus? (I don't bother with parent partnership anymore as they just toe the LEA party line, and that's on the rare occasion that we have a PP officer for our area, which is only about 2 months of every year!). Good Luck Peachy. Also grab the SenCo and TELL her you want a cafs form filled in and a referral to CAMHS. In my LEA, it's the only thing they (sometimes) listen to wrt behaviour probs etc. to get funding to the school.

CardyMow · 27/01/2010 18:50

And wrt the EP-they are duty bound to provide you with one at regular intervals. I know about the 'hand picked' thing. Do you know who the private EP they LEA are using is? If you can find out, Phone his/her office and cry at the secretary. Then you are on the EP's radar, and questions may be asked. It worked with my EP, but she isn't a private one, so I don't know if that one will work in your case.

Peachy · 27/01/2010 18:52

Thanks all.

EmailtoLEA and schoolWRT toemergency review etc sent,soI can'tpanic and change mymind;willlook into CAMHs etc tomorrow.

I have a feeling this is going toimplode but maybe about time tbh.

OP posts:
sickofsocalledexperts · 27/01/2010 18:58

could you even withdraw him, on account of talk of X and sharp weapon? Maybe it would all help towards a specialist placement??

SE13Mummy · 27/01/2010 19:13

To get the e-mail addresses of governors contact governor support at your LA - they should give you contact details if no-one else will.