ASD - fed up with NT parents :(

[catkinq]

I have 2 children (7 and 9) with possible ASD (Aspergers). One is under the ed psyc and we are at the GP referral stage with both. What is really, really getting me down is the constant stream of comments from paretns of NT children along the lines of "well if you all ate together then she'd eat her veg" (yes she would and then she'd vomit); "if you didn't pick the elaves out of th epool then she'd soon swim anyway" (no they wouldn't); "all he needs if a firm talking to" (how to you talk to something that resenbles the taxmanian devil in those cartoons?); etc. No one seems to understand that they may be different adn that maybe the fact that you rchildren do no trespond to all of these standard child rearing techniques might indicate that somethin gis wired differntly in theri heads rather than that you are boing "too soft on them". Does anyone els efeel like this? I've just had to sit and listen to someone telling me that it i smy fault that dd has no friends becasue I do not make her get the bus to school (with the children who sat on her and sellotaped her mouth shut so that she would stop talking). What do you tell them? How do you explain that "not eating your veg" is not necessarily as easily cured as the TV programs make out?
Catkinq

Oh I forgot fucking stickers and the naughty step - or telling him "if you keep on doing this there will be no sweets for you this weekend". What part of HE CAN'T TALK don't you get!!!! My fave was when we went to see a GP, who I carefully told about his autism and lack of speech beforehand so she wouldn't be surprised at how hard the examination was. "Now come on young man, this will all be a lot easier if you don't move around" were her opening words to him! I think the truth is that people just can't compute how to deal with a kid who can't talk, so they just talk anyway, in the same way that thick English people in France just talk VERY LOUD ENGLISH!

I think that part of the problem with the withdrawn from the friendship circle lady is that she is so NT and so bothered about "fitting in", as are many of the parents at the school come to think of it, that they have as many problems as someone on the ASD spectrum in that "fitting in" is so important to them that it dominates their lives.

I do often think that there should be a recognised "condition" of being "too normal" and too obsessed with mainstream culture which these days often translates (for parents) into being perfect adn doing presisely what the govenrment tell you to in order to churn out little carbon copies of Tony Blair (carbon neutral carbon copies that is!)

Anyway I think that if we, as a society, recognised being "too NT" as a disorder then we may find that being mildly on the ASD became far less of an issue than it is now. Yes thre would obviously still be problems (don't I know it!) but the stares and stuff that make it all worse, and the constant pressure to socialise etc would make it all easier to live with.
Catkinq

Catkin, my third child is my "control" child too. He is fantastic but i am still shocked when he tells fibs or tries to play one parent off against another (eg. Mummy said i was allowed to have another biscuit etc.). He is at the same school as his big brothers and it is a secret joy to me that the teachers will realise that I am a good parent after all!

Catkinq - I echo what you say about the ultra normals!

I liked this bit from Simon Baron-Cohen's Autism Research Centre about AS/HFA:

Both are disabilities only in environments where the individual is expected to be both sociable and a good communicator

Yes, at home with a family who understand them and accomodate them, they're fine. Out there in 'everyone has got to act in a certain way' world - big probs!

One of my ds's(autism) funniest quotes as to why he didn't want to be in the social skills/friendship group was "I don't mind them from the unit(ASD resource) but who wants to be friends with a bunch of weirdos?"(NT specially selected because of their social skills and willingness to buddy the children in the unit )

you can see his point - dd and ds1 when given a pile of toy animals would line them up in a sensible order whereas "normal" ds2 pretends that they can talk .
Catkinq

there but for the grace of god go i- something thats these f*#k wits should remember
and something that my late mother told me nearly every day of my life mothers are always right!!

sn mothers that is

'ds1 is convinced that ds2 is psycotic as ds2 does things like pretends his toys can talk, runs his trains along imaginary tracks etc and ds1 thinks that ds2 must be able to "see" these tracks and must be talking as himself, not as the train etc.
Catkinq'

I just spluttered coffee over my keyboard, life in the Looking Glass World has its moments!
I love the questions mine comes out with when he's observing NT behaviour.

often genetics are involved

this is so true. My father insists that dd and ds1 are normal - yes I think - they are your kind of "normal"
Catkinq

Have just found this thread. Don't know whether to laugh or cry or jump up and down. Am so pleased that other people have this suspicion about 'ultra normals'- it is over-rated. They drive me mad. Civilisation has never got anywhere through the efforts of boring/conventional thinkers- we need the odd-bods who think outside the box.

MY son is maybe HFASpie and I have had the clucking all through school. The self-doubt and over-analysis that I have done re. my parenting etc. is unreal. Then comes my second son, who I now reasise is my 'control' son and hooray IT IS SO EASY! Glowing reports at parents evening; consultations which take just 5 minutes (most of my school gate pick-ups took twice that when my eldest was KS!). I can see that if my boys had been the other way around in ages it would have been VERY easy to be smug and rightous.

Have always been very apologetic to other parents when my eldest misbehaved but this summer I had occasion to stop myself and bear the silent indignation. There was an end of term water-fight, with water pistols. I knew that it would end in tears and guess what; when I arrived at school I was told that he had got very upset, taken it too far, retaliated strongly when other boys ganged up and sprayed him with water and broken one of the other boys water pistols in temper. This was the most predictable thing he has ever done. Rather than go cap in hand to the indignant NT parent I just left it -this was a school activity so they can sort out the apologies.

Oh my god - I have just read this thread and felt really like crying for you all - I don't know why so many people find they must tell other parents how to do things "right". It must be hard enough without the "advice" and the horrid looks. I just want to say, not all non-SN parents judge you harshly.

And having just read another thread, I really hope that didn't sound patronising - probably did. Sorry.

It is amazing what our peers say to us but also supposed Professionals...

The OT provided by the NHS told me that he was surprised that DS has high-functioning autism and not to be surprised if it gets "downgraded" at some point. He then went on to tell me that he is studying for his Masters and can tell on "gut feeling" that DS no longer needs OT as he can walk and thread a button. (Sensory issues are DS choosing not to participate as the activity holds no meaning for him). Brilliant. Oh, also, independent private OT's are the devil, only after my money, and their objective reports are not to be trusted.

EG, this thread is 3 years old.

and we are still getting the same sort of comments, Ellen

i hadn't read it before but could identify with it all

my favourite nugget of wisdom being from school nurse re; lack of sleep 'you need to get into a good bedtime routine'

I got my first taste of this in a while the other day now that we know DS2 has PDA. He was continuing a long, protracted benny, prolonged by the fact I had to hold his hand to stop him running into the road or miles away across the park while we waited for a school outing to finish. I'd mentioned to some mums that this was all due to Tree Fu Tom being interrupted 15mins earlier and one said "There'd be no Tree Fu Tom for a week if one of mine went on that long."
In all my joy of discovering PDA I'd completely forgotten that ASDs can be hidden conditions, I'd forgotten that just because I could see his behaviour was down to his condition, that others see it as poor parenting and unpleasant child. She doesn't know that he finds some things more stressful than other kids so his meltdowns are actually quite understandable avoidance tactics, that he doesn't understand the concept of time let alone delayed punishment. Still made me feel shit though.

"Have you tried talking to him, then he would learn to talk? Me, I always taked like a MAD person to my kids, everyone thought I was crazy (ha ha!) and so they talked so early".....

!!!!!

Whoops did not realise the thread was 3 years old! But, it still chimes, right?!

how about the father who won't accept or allow any room for understanding of DS and his asd/adhd....I arrived to collect my DS from his DF....I find my DS on a small stool at a small table (small one from nest of 3 tables)...set in the middle of the room opp the couch where DF and his wife are sitting.....dinner plates of spaghetti and meatballs....my DS has tears running down his face....this is the scene I have been invited into their house to witness....
DF says 'look, it's not poison, he needs to be encouraged and just learn to eat what everyone else is' .....at this point I am about to open my mouth and go ballistic (it's not a new subject and has been the source of many upsets for DS at his DFs house)....DS throws up on the plate and table!!!...it's dripping off onto their nice carpet.....so I say ' ok...we are going now...where are your shoes' and we leave....
I was so mental inside and wanted to let DF know it....but instead just gave him a look to say...'yea, right'

This is a father...in denial, it's my parenting, I feed him drugs he doesn't need, he just needs this, that and the other and DS would be fine!!!....

No, he doesn't see DF anymore....DF gave up and DS never even mentions his DF anymore....whats to miss?....not much for DS...his toys have been mentioned...he will never see them again til he's maybe older and past playing with them....this he has also accepted and doesn't mention anymore....

My DM had a lovely one, when filling her in on all the help DS was getting and his suspected dx (autism/asperger's) she came out with

'Well, we always knew he wasn't all there and not quite right, but you can't really call it a disability now can you'

No DM, he has 15 hours 1 to 1, regular speech therapy, a social communication therapist and chatter box club every week because he is perfectly fine

Still have a secret smile at that one even while it winds me up the wall

I know someone who would regularly tell a friend of mine whos son has ADHD 'Shall I have a chat with him about his behaviour? He respects me and may listen', while his own NT children were running wild because of bad parenting and the boy though he was a twat .

Even Super Nanny has been seen on her programme to get experts in SN in to help and says her methods do not work in those cases.

Love the comment from the child who doesn't want to mix with the NT weirdos.