How do you look after your own mental health?

[nikos]

A couple of things have happened recently that have made me feel really 'close to the edge'. I've never been depressed before and know that it is circumstances that are making me feel so stressed. So would really like to be proactive here and hope we could share some experiences of what you do to keep yourself sane.
I'm currently taking my drug of choice which is a large glass of white. Anyone want to offer their coping strategies?

counselling

Not very well

Have suffered from depression on and off since age 16, but the episode since having my DD has been my darkest. The last 3 years have been a whirlwind of AD's, CBT & CPN's (both on NHS), not being able to work, etc. I knew no-one in the town we live in, and didn't go to toddler groups and make 'mummy friends'. The house was a tip, i didn't have the energy to get dressed let alone wash up. That was the tip of the iceberg too.

About a year ago when i got my strength up a little i slowly got involved with a charity, which really helps me feel i'm doing something worthwhile. My DH is brilliant too.

Suprisingly since dx in Feb i have found things easier. I have found out who my friends are (many of them didn't stay when the special needs became apparent), and the SN mums i have met have been absolutely invaluable to me; true friends. I think one thing that really contributed to my depression too was feeling i was to blame for DD's behaviour/problems. Now i know she has autism, i have taken a lot of pressure off of myself.

I still don't look after myself very well and life is still up and down, i am on medication long term - but things which keep me going are the charity, my dogs, my SN-mum friends, DH and my beautiful DD.

Deeeja - Me too! That was me last year! Notice that anon says a year ago too! Hang on in there. It comes and goes. Please look up a counsellor though. (BACP website). It really isn't usually the sort of situation portrayed on British visions of american tv.

Benefit of cousellors:

It really is All About ME!

I get to know myself again - what about what I really want and what I really am able to do.

If I like, I can even rehearse situations or give an imaginary person a big bite back.

It gives me perspective, (sometimes) and a sense of balance. I have other children who need me to help them in the mainstream world too.

Deeeja - Try it! It's no amazing cure, I still have down days (lots of them!) but I get over them a little better or I can go and pay the counsellor to allow me to let off steam.

Hugs and respect to you all - but I have to go now. Will watch this thread though.

um - take prozac, read too much, compute too much, eat too much.

Wine and chocolate do my mental health good, but my gut doesn't always agree - some mornings I seem to have RABS (R = really, A = angry...)

However, every moment I can and that I have the energy, I knit. It keeps my fingers and mind active and the result is usually rather good. Immensely Satisfying, as Kirsty Allsop would say!

I've had CBT but before we found out about DS's SN: it was after he got into hospital with croup and I started being really anxious every time he had a cold. Money well spent.
I think money (unfortunately) is a bit the key word here: it buys you counselling, it buys you time off, to spend with your partner or friends or on your own, but off from your child, it buys you someone to clean the house for you. Or perhaps I'm wrong, but I think if DH and I weren't in jobs that we like and pay rather well, we'd be infinitely more stressed than we are.

Wednesdays child-I honestly don't recognise myself in those list of symptoms - yet. But Iam aware that I am under huge strain and with a lot of worry and things outside my control (ds' aggression inparticular and trying to understand him). This thread was triggered by a massive blow up tonight by me, and they seem to be getting bigger. Which is why I feel Ishould take some action now. Maybe counselling would let me explore ways of coping.Also think Imight be going through the grief stage of diagnosis.

It is so hard to be in this situation because we cannot change it and love keeps us all here doing it day after day.

My life is so much better now that my ds accesses respite care and attends school full-time. He is also less of a handful than when he was around 2-4yrs of age, which helps too. I live in dread of school closures, of wintertime when he's likely to experience illness and to be off school, of sudden cancellations of respite care, or of anything else that threatens the breaks that we need as a family and which my ds enjoys because he likes a change of scenery and new activities. I get along fine now because I don't have to manage my ds for 14hrs+ every single day, day after day, like I had to do before he started nursery/school. Those days were rough and I dreamed of escape many times.

without the internet , think I would find it harder , felt so alone before hand.don`t really get a break as im single parent and only my mum left but shes to unwell to cope with dc .

found lot of my rl friends drifted away as they did not know hat to say and there dc got older and wantedto do iffernt things to ds.

But then found mumsnet and knowing that if I got a uestion/problem not matter how small omeone on here can give some advice another point of view

And all else ~I hve found it very therputic when theres some trolly threads to have my say

Hmm, well, when ds was born and I had to cope with him, with no help nor clear idea why I was different from anyone else (at that early stage),it pushed me into all sorts of emergency coping strategies. It was soon after we'd had three out of four parents die, soon after I'd nearly lost my life after an ectopic preg. and I don't think we'd really coped with any of it. Mum was in hospital for many months, so not only did I have a very screamy sick fighty baby where every moment was a battle, but I was having to go back and forth to the hospital every day to see if she was still alive or not.

Once ds became able to move, he turned from screamy fighty baby to yelling fighty runner instead. DH would often come home from work to find me in a Right Old State to be honest. I was, and am, a good mum, like many people with an ASD: We learn every rule, read every book, have infinite patience with many repetitive things. Not easy, but I learned what children need, and I could eventually find some way to explain things to him even if it took 100 attempts, but it used up every 'spoon'* I had, plus all of the next year's supply. By late evening I'd be 'shutting down'/getting hysterical and there was certainly one evening when I got in the car and just drove off. I had no idea where I was going or what I thought I was doing, but I was totally utterly unable to cope any more. The police found me - my car had one of those stickers that says it shouldn't be out after midnight. I got home.

In the absence of any answers, help, advice, support, treatment, therapy or otherwise, I found a glass or three of wine. It at least took the edge off things. And the usual aspie stuff - wrapping myself in the duvet, stims etc. And, if I had any chance, my obsessive hobbies.

Is parenting an SN child fun? Not normally, no. We need some sort of system of medals. But he's lovely now

(* Christine Miserandino - spoon theory)

Thank you all for sharing so honestly.
I think I have to find some way to not let my moods be tied up with how ds is behaving (easy to write but so hard to do). If he has a bad day at school,and Iget negative feedback and/or he has been very disruptive in the family, then I'm unhappy. But if he is having a good stretch and life is flowing, then I feel happy. So this constant up and downess is taking it's toll I feel.

I think I also have that constant low level anxiety that I imagine a lot of parents with impulsive children have when out and about. It means you can never cross the front door without a feeling of nervousness about what might happen.

I think it is really important to try really hard to keep a positive mind and outlook.

So I stay away from negative people, negative threads on mumsnet (the the aibu rubbish) which are pointless.

Yesterday I had a really bad day and had a cry in the morning. Today DH took both DCs out in the morning and I was able to sort out some niggling things in the house and feel so much better.

I was also taught the "one small thing for you each day", which has really helped over the years. A magazine (in my case it's probably a copy of What Car magazine filled with interesting statistics ), a tv programme to look forward to in any bit of the day that didn't have yelling child throwing things, five minutes to watch the birds in the garden, anything really that was "my time". And I found another couple of mums with similar children so took it in turns to look after each other's ones. That was an experience

I'm not sure how relevant this is because it probably differs area to area but yesterday I had acupuncture funded by the local carers centre. I am having six sessions and they also offer a course for carers to learn about dealing with stress which is based on BBT theory. I can't go to it because it is evenings but it looks helpful if people are able to give up the time.

Oops CBT I meant!

the acupuncture sounds great, if nothing else it's going to be time just for you isn't it?

Counselling good- especially if you can get someone with SN experience (I did, she's in the States, we chatted by phone whilst I drank wine )

Also time to yourself, I have recently started horse riding again and love it.

And accepting help. It took me a while to accept I couldn't possibly do it all. The social services care package helps a lot.

i know what the edge looks like i seem to be on it a lot these days, i get some respite for my 3 but it is a nightmare to
co-ordinate i have been given 24 nights per year for each of my three, just don't have people to do the over nights.
i try to do things for myself that i enjoy but it is difficult to arrange things around the kids you know what its like with all the paper work and meetings for 3 kids and since their dad died i dont have someone always there to help with stuff, not sure what the answer is thou.

OJ

Do you have a respite centre they can go to? So much easier that trying to organise dp's etc.

i dont seem to find time to look after my mental health! between 10 year old ds who still wets the bed almost every night, 7 year old ds with dyspraxia and possible hfa, 3 and 4 year old whirlwind dd's and all the stuff that needs doing at home. school runs, playgroup runs, cooking, endless washing pile, tidying, 2 stupid rabbits who never sleep, and a garden which i am renovating so ds2 can play outside safely. not much time left for me!!!

no suitable respite centre, thou all three are going on school camp for 4 nights in july