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Original poster

Would/could a child with mild Aspergers show more pronounced symptoms at puberty?

40 replies

SuziSeis · 06/04/2009 21:32

We have a lovely popular boy who we have privately thought was mild Aspergers for many years

Recently we have noticed some of the 'symptoms' becoming much more pronounced and impacting more on his life and relationships with peers and family

It is causing upset to the point where dh and I are wondering if a diagnosis would /could help us cope and stop nagging him about things that he maybe cannot help....

Any advice from those who know about this?

I could go into more detail but once i start i wont stop

We do not know what to do for the best

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Sazisi · 06/04/2009 22:27

I can't answer your question, but can say that since our daughter's diagnosis my husband and I have found it easier to be patient/understanding with her.
She is only 4 now so she doesn't know she has Aspergers, but I do see us being open about it once she's old enough.
I would imagine it could be useful (not quite the right word but hopefully close enough) for your son to to know why he's a little different.
That's just my opinion; admittedly I have no expertise, or experience of your dilema

Original poster
SuziSeis · 06/04/2009 22:37

Saszi thankyou for replying

recently we have been on the websites etc trying to learn more a do checklists etc and in the days following these learning experiences - like you say - it is much easier to be patient....

I also think it may help him ...at the moment no matter how much we try to tell him that he needs to change aspects of his behaviour - he seems to pathologically ignore anything we say........

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Original poster
SuziSeis · 06/04/2009 22:37

Sazisi sorry

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WetAugust · 06/04/2009 22:37

Yes the symptons can be more pronounced at puberty because Aspergers is a developmental delay disorder. As his peers start to 'grow up' and follow normal teenage interests he probably has different, more childish interets. According to one of our local Consultant psychiatrists that specialises in ASDs the teenage years are when very real difficulties can emerge as they really start to feel their 'differentness' themselves and often question why. Behaviour that was acceptable when they were a younger child is not so acceptable in a teenager.
So if you can provide an answer via a diagnosis it can help them understand.

Original poster
SuziSeis · 06/04/2009 22:42

thankyou wetaugust

ds started secondary school in september and he seems to suddenly to be getting into a bit of bother - which dp and I are gradually coming to the conclusion that it;s caused by a lack of ds ability to empathise... on any level (bad english i know)

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WetAugust · 06/04/2009 22:54

Well empathising is not one of their strong points!!

And that's where ASD-specific teaching via social stories an suchlike helps them learn thethings that don't come naturally to them because of their condition.

My son is ceratinly appreciates having his diagnosis as he says it explains why he feels the way he does. before he was dx'd he was just a 'naughty boy' or had 'emotional problems'. Understanding ASD helps us help me as things that were previously put down to him being 'difficult' we can now understand are part of his condition and can tailor the way we deal with him accordingly.

Original poster
SuziSeis · 06/04/2009 23:02

wet - feeling choked up at your post

our problem is that he just does not 'get it'

in primary school he was clever and fitted in well

his teacher for years 5 and 6 (the same woman) said on various occasions ' he will not be told he is wrong'

this has become so so true. He is never ever wrong so cannot learn from mistakes and thus dh and i are wasting our breath keep trying.....

i have read on these boards many times 'why do you need a diagnosis' and my response is now 'to help us ALL'

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HelensMelons · 06/04/2009 23:21

Just before I go off to bed I just wanted to say our DS2 (8) got a dx of asd in 2007. He knows that he has an asd as do his brother and sister; it has been so helpful not only for his siblings but for us as well - it has really helped to be able to provide an explanation for behaviours which is something concrete iykwim.

Original poster
SuziSeis · 06/04/2009 23:25

thankyou helen your experience helps me!

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onegiantleap · 07/04/2009 11:52

I would second all who say the dx helps. My ds is nearly 14 and was dx'd with aspergers [I say mild] when he was 12. At first he was offended and then soon found it very helpful and read some info. He doesnt need to tell lots of people but he is very open with me about his peer relationships and that gives me opportunities to discuss why so and so reacted this or that way, and to sometimes refer it to his asd.

I still get cross with him but he sometimes tells me: Its because Im autistic mum, so the dx certainly puts me in my place.

he is now able to tell me about things he is uncomfortable with so we can put some remedy in place, rather than me just expecting him to do the same as his peers and him not coping in the event.

Re what you said about him not getting it, I have found the dx helps us to look back at all the things he couldnt get when his peers could [before dx] and put it into perspective. He can do and understand so many things he didn't a few years ago, so in teenage years we can expect the delay to be a bit longer, as coping with hormones as well. But see how he does get there in the end.

Hope its helpful.

Original poster
SuziSeis · 07/04/2009 20:16

thankyou so much onegiantleap

it really does help to hear that

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lingle · 07/04/2009 20:24

for what it's worth I'm probably one of the most sceptical people on the SN board wrt to ASD dx but clearly this dx could really help you as a family. Sounds like a great opportunity, good luck.

sarah293 · 07/04/2009 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Hassled · 07/04/2009 20:32

I have been reading this with interest - have a DS2 (10) with a diagnosis of Dyspraxia (DX at 6, and yes, it really did help - he stopped blaming himself for his difficulties, and was a much happier boy as a result), but has "Aspergic tendencies".

And yes, as his friends mature and become cool, DS2 seems increasingly different. Occasionally he shows signs of a bit of a pre-pubescent attitude and I'm just so grateful for the normality that I can't react. It's bloody hard - I really feel for you.

Original poster
SuziSeis · 07/04/2009 20:50

thankyou all - Riven that is just it...the teenager changes anyway at this age and definitely behavious are more challenging

I have always had an inkling though....dh has said to me recently "why are you upset about this - we always thought it' and we have always wondered

I an trace my posts on here back at least 3 years me questionning 'could he be'

I have asked at his primary school just casually but they always say 'no' .......

I dont even know where to start ...

Would I go to school or the doctor?

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Hassled · 07/04/2009 21:02

Either would do - GP might be quicker. First step would probably be a referral to an Educational Psychologist.

Original poster
SuziSeis · 07/04/2009 21:09

Thanks very much Hassled

now to debate whether or not to take him with us...how do you broach these things

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troutpout · 07/04/2009 21:11

Ds is 11 (nearly 12) and started secondary school in September. He is a quiet(too quiet mostly),bright, happy go lucky, well liked boy (has a fantastic sense of humour)...he has huge problems with organisation and transition and remaining on task.He can be very inflexible at times (i imagine this will get worse). He got the dx of aspergers formally about a year ago. We knew he wouldn't be able to cope in secondary without it.
I think for me,there were strong indications that he needed the dx too. He needed it to answer questions that he was beginning to form in his own mind about why he was different or why he didn't understand the world around him. He needed it because he was beginning to turn these questions in on himself and answer them in the wrong way 'because i am useless'...'because i am weird'...'because everyone hates me'...'because i am bad'.
It was the best thing we ever did for him.It has changed our lives dramatically. It has also meant that he has access to help (and us too). He chooses to read up on the subject now...and he can tell me loads of things he never understood before. He said to me yesterday that 'i can't imagine what someone else is thinking...that's my aspergers isn't it?'

Original poster
SuziSeis · 07/04/2009 21:18

wow well done all of you that sounds positive...

ds has always been popular but recently we have been having issues which although they could be maturational have raised alarm bells agin...

he just doesn't get 'banter' cannot do it - flys of the handle and screams at us that 'so and so did this' that the other... at school and at home

said he was being bullied but the bullies were round our house calling him up asking him to do things with them - our older dc's would see him with them and say it really wasn't bullying....

ds can laugh at others but not himslef and i feel awful saying that....

telling him off about things is a waste of time. he never shows remorse - does not appear to feel it - so a lot of time is spent banging heads on walls

I want things to be easier for him and I dont know how to do it

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troutpout · 07/04/2009 21:18

We took ds to the gp and the gp referred him to cahms. He got the dx from cahms through their autism dianostic team.
I was honest with ds from the start (he was 8 at the time). I just talked about some of the problems he was having...and then how maybe we would need to see about getting help for those. We talked about aspergers and autism and i said some of the things he found difficult were similar to someone who might have aspergers. I said we were going to find out if he might have it.
He enjoyed the experience tbh...the actual sessions were interesting to him.

Original poster
SuziSeis · 07/04/2009 21:23

thankyou troutpout

we have never said anything to him

now might be the time to gently moot it - might look on amazon see if there are any books...

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troutpout · 07/04/2009 21:25

Ds was not good at empathy ...he is slowly 'learning' the correct responses. He will not naturally show remorse (flight is generally his first instinct tbh). Social stories have really helped him. He only learns these things visually. If he reads 'when i do....it makes my mum feel sad' it goes in (lol..slowly!)

Original poster
SuziSeis · 07/04/2009 21:31

sorry to keep harping on

But the other day he said something in an argument which was hurtful to me...some fairly innocuous comment like teens do !!!

anyway later when dh came home and was talking to him about it and how it had upset me - he asked ds how he felt having said the commentand dh said something like ' How do you feel now about what you said to mummy?' imagining that he would say 'awful' or 'sorry' and he replied ' I dont really mind' - with a shrug

yesterday I told him that he had left a hoody of his in the garden for two days to get rained on etc

I said 'don't you care?' and he said ' errr yyyyes' kind of nonchalantly and then added ' well...No'

these are the things that stop me in my tracks.

Ds is my third child and i have experienced most of the teen stuff but this id different. i might be barking up completely the wrong tree....

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Original poster
SuziSeis · 07/04/2009 21:32

thanks for that troutpout x posts!

I told you once i started i would not stop! Your posts bring me out in goosebumps....

whenever i read anything about aspergers i get them

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troutpout · 07/04/2009 21:45

blimey...are you sure that isn't my boy you have there?
Those are both typical responses i might get if i asked him those sort of open ended questions.
Sometimes i can see him sort of thinking 'god..what does she want me to say?...what is the correct answer to make this go away?'
I mean the thing is..he would just be honest. He would feel ok about a comment he made like that...because he has no concept of how it made could make me feel.

The trick is to make it clear how it makes someone feel and how it is not acceptable.
(lol.. makes it sound so easy doesn't it)

Its very slow going though for my boy...it's like every situation is a new one...he rarely moves things he has learned over to a new situation.

I understand your frustration and sadness totally Suzi...you feel like you are banging your head against a brick wall don't you?
I was just the same.