I am shaking with FURY and feel sick and angry and just so flippin ANGRY

[hereidrawtheline]

I have had such a shit day involving meltdowns and finding a fucking ant colony in my dishwasher I dont know how that happened its on twice a day but there you go I opened it after it being run and it was swarming.

While I was putting DS to bed for nap the phone rang and I didnt answer it. I checked the message when I left his room and it was a message left by this woman who has been coming round to play with him to assess if he needs help in that area BUT THE MESSAGE WAS INTENDED FOR MY HEALTH VISITOR she had obviously dialled my number by mistake and left the message accordingly.

So I find out QUITE BY ACCIDENT that this woman is (on my HV's request) emailing her a report she has written about DS for the HV's records and to be passed on to peadiatrician. I NEVER gave permission for that and I clearly wasnt even going to be consulted the report was already written she was phoning HV up to get her email address. This woman in question has promised me everything she does is transparent and that no information will ever go from her to anyone else without my prior permission and involvement, that she was only here to play with DS. She was a fucking spy in the camp thats what she was.

AND I also found out yesterday from DS's key worker at preschool that same HV has asked her for a report too! Nice! Funny this is the HV I have met once, and who I havent spoken to in months, and last I heard from her she was no longer involved as it was all in the peadiatricians arena now.

What do I do? I am so fucking angry these people going behind my back writing reports they have said they wont write and passing them on to a woman I do not trust and dont know.

Do you feel brave enough to phone her and confront her about it? If you do, be calm and confident, and ask her outright. Remind her what she promised you.

Then i'd phone your HV and ask the bloody same!

Bang out of order, sorry you're having to deal with this on top of everything else, we just don't need it do we

xxxx

I did phone the woman and had a right go at her I have to say. She outright lied to me and went behind my back. I am calming down a while before I deal with HV as she is a real bitch and has got my back up one too many times.

HV and playworker have spectacularly mishandled this by not being open with you - but it is sensible and quite usual for the paed to have some feedback from pre-school about how your DS manages there. also in my city the HV seemed to be the personal in charge with dealing with the referral paperwork rather than GP. not sure what the etiquette/usual situation is with playworkers though. I know you've had bad experiences with health pros in the past from what you've posted but please try not to worry about the paed getting information from different sources about your DS, it does help him/her to build up a rounded picture as to how he copes in home and school environment.

you are right TC and that is why I am trying to calm down and breathe and post here. I know the pead needs the information but this playworker SWORE to me on the first meeting when we agreed on how it would progress that everything she did would be totally in my and DS's best interests only and transparent, and nothing would happen without my permission. The fact that she was already emailing the HV a report I didnt even know was being written and I only found out by a stupid mistake just infuriates me. I just can not trust any of these people.

e.g when DS had the joint clinic (paed/salt/ed psych) to asses him for ASD, they had all read the report another salt had done on DS after she had visited to observe him a couple of times at nursery.

have you asked for a copy of the report?

You're angry they're doing this without your permission--what do you think these reports might be used for? Is it for something that could be helpful in the long run, like a diagnosis or a statement? Or for some other reason?

I have - while I was on the phone confronting her. She has just emailed it to me and I have read it. It doesnt say anything particularly surprising.

I completely agree it's awful the way they have gone about it.

I am angry because she lied to me. She said I was her first and only port of call. She actually told me she had no need to communicate with HV unless she and I agreed it first. Then I find out HV is in contact with her and requesting reports, and playworker has readily written and agreed to provide it without either of them even thinking to include me, and the playworker knowing she had promised me directly the opposite.

The reports will be passed on to pead and used for DX so will indeed be helpful and had I been asked about it I would have said fine no problem but as it happens I found out by a stupid message left on my phone intended for bitchy HV and was never ever informed or asked permission myself.

what did she have to say for herself?

she said she was planning on telling me next week when she came round to play with DS that she had written and sent the report! Oh, that's nice! After the fact and without sticking to your agreement? And even if I had objected it would have been too late for me to offer an opinion as HV and pead would have already had it for a week.

HIDTL

You have every right to be bloody furious. Talk about breaching trust!!

I hope you can use this all to your advantage and hopefully make these people apologise for their unacceptable behaviour.

Gits.

BR

did you remind her what she had said to you about transparency and not doing anything without consulting you first?

HIDTL You feel let down, and they need to put that right. However, I am glad that the report didn't surprise you, because that means that it is probably accurate.

One step closer to your DS getting the help that he needs.

She should have asked you, to do it without your input was out of order. For example she might have mentioned something as significant that you knew only happened once in a blue moon, or was dependant on particular factors.

Forgot to say that whenever DD sees someone, there is a huge CC list at the bottom of the report. Here in the Winchester area, it seems that everyone (including parents) gets a copy of everything straight away. I know that I signed forms that said that information about DD would be shared with other health professionals.

Perhaps the thing to do would be to put a request in writing that you are copied in on any communications about your DS between health professionals? At least that way you know what is being said by whom. I think it is unlikely that you would be able to see reports before they are sent, so you could ask for ammendments, for examples, but at least you would know what HAS been said, so that you can ask for corrections as you see fit.

I did remind her of what she had promised me and she said her intentions were not bad as she was going to tell me about the report next week. I said she was deliberately missing the point that whether or not she intended to tell me about the report a week after she had submitted it she had promised me confidentiality. I also remember signing a form where she agreed the same but I am going to dig it out of my file and remind her of the exact words.

She emailed me an apology with the report saying it was a stupid mistake. I appreciate she has seemed trustworthy up to this point but it just reinforces this feeling that its them against me rather than all of us working together in DS's best interest.

What they've done is wrong, in that you should have been informed and your consent gained if that's what you requested, they clearly realise this and have apologised. It sounds like standard procedure to me, in that my ds has been observed and reported on all over the place, and on several occasions. We've found this useful in building up a big picture of him, and choosing the right school for him.

I think you have to let this one go, and try and focus on the fact that the key thing is that they're doing all this to help your child. You falling out with them isn't going to help, and tbh I've found many advantages in being on-side with the professionals who are involved with ds. They've helped me a lot in an off-the-record sense in choosing his school and getting things done quickly for him.

I really don't mean to sound unsympathetic at all - I would be livid too if I were you.

Well this doesn't really surprise me at all but at least you did get a written apology in the end, although this doesn't undo the potential trust issue that you now have.

I had my SW lying to my face in a meeting last week. Sadly for her, she is very poor at it and even worse for her, it took a simple phone call to a another professional to confirm that she had indeed lied. Seems like it's par for the course.

Not surprised that you are angry. I would think, however, that it would be a matter of course for any worker with a child to file some sort of report. Now I work in SEN I realise just what a welter of paper I have to generate for ANYTHING. However, the playworker should have realised that she would probablly have to write a report and been up front with you in the first place.

We had an EP at my son's annual review this time who has never met my son! Chocolate and teapot comes to mind as she picked up on one thing that his tutor said (a bit of silly prodding that he does of one particular child to wind them up - bollocking given to son - touching stops) and made a massive thing about it.

Re the ants. Yuck. But if it makes you feel better, I had a slug in my dishwasher once - on the door. I nearly had a funny turn.

Can't really say anything more than whats been said, but . What a silly cow she sounds like!

DS has been a total nightmare today as well. Really screaming at me and being very angry and demanding and I just feel so shit. Its been a horrible day and it feels neverending.

Sorry it's a shit day HIDTL. Agree with the others' comments re HW and report. Hope something good does come off it though, and your ds gets some support.

Who is this woman? Who does she work for? Does she have the professional capacity to write reports about your DS? How did the HV get her details?

I would be fuming as well.

she works for 4children - HV referred me to her ages ago to play with DS and help him learn through play. Which I was happy about. But on the terms we agreed on. Which is that I am in charge and from the first day she came here she agreed all between her, me, DS was totally confidential and I was her port of call. She was here to help DS play and thats it.

I have today read her report and the one from preschool. Neither surprise me, neither portray him as needing a lot of help, but a little.