So today I had my first "but he looks so normal" conversations....

[5inthebed]

And I didn't no whether to laugh or cry!

DS2 goes to MS school for two afternoons a week. Has done so since January. Never spoke to any of the parents as don't see the same ones regularly. Today while we were waiting to go in, this was the conversation I had with one of the mothers (seemed pleasant enough)

Her "Is your ds new? I've never seen him before."
Me "He's been coming since January, but only two days a week"
Her" Why is that?"
Me "He goes to a different school in the mornings" (At this point was getting a put flumoxed as knew what was about to come)
Her "Oh what school is that then"
Me "It's XXXXX school"
Her "Never heard of it, where is it?"
Me "Its in Blardy Blar, its a new school"
Her "Is that the school that is for Autistic kids, the one opened by that famous footballer? Oh god, does he have Autism?"
Me "Yes he does "
Her "Oh what a shame....but he looks so normal"

Well I could have said "Well what would you expect? Half a head or maybe green skin?"

What I did say was "Yes, autistic kids do look like normal children, because they are"

Thought I handled it quite well, but I expect he will be avoiding me at all costs from now on and probably telling all the other mums.

I've had a few of those conversations

I think you handled it brilliantly. Stupid woman.

Well done 5inthebed.
Normal. FGS.

Yes, he does look normal, although when I was getting him ready for bed, I swear I saw 666 etched across his forehead

Am I really going to get these kind of comments for the next 20 years?

I get the same with both dd's

I get the 'But he is so good looking'. And this is from family .

And the ' I'd never have guessed'.
This really pisses me off when they have watched me drag him to school (or home again) screaming and kicking. Obviously I'm just a terrible parent, and no further explanation is needed .

rant over.

Yes, I often wonder what people think in the school yard when I'm picking ds1 up and ds2 is rubbing the drain pipe and repeating "look a pipe" over and over again

Another response that you will probably get is, 'oh, I'm really sorry/sorry to hear that (spoken with saddened voice)'.

This reply is a little disappointing but tbh, I don't think it is intended to cause offence. Often people mean well and if they feel awkward, they don't really know what to say (especially if they have little or no experience of SNs).

Although my ds has a completely 'normal' looking face, I don't really get the, 'but he looks so normal' response because my ds's atypical body language and noises give the game away!!!

Yep - have had those conversations too.

wait until you have to speak to the 'professionals' about further education - their favourite question is " Does he like woodwork?" Our response "No, he is going to be a geneticist", (which he is now studying to be). Shuts them up wonderfully

Hmm, aged 40+ and I still get "But you look so normal!" and "I'm so sorry to hear you have Asperger syndrome - I'll pray for you". And indeed "Gosh, you're so brave to tell people you have a handicap!"

One day society will realise that 1 in 7 people do actually have a disability and we're People.

'One day society will realise that 1 in 7 people do actually have a disability and we're People'

Yes, if the context arises, then I often let people know that it's calculated that every single person carries at least 6/7 lethal genes. They often look and and [very surprised that they could carry such 'nasties' emoticon]

MMAJ, no offence taken. I was probably the same before I had a SN child. I think that unless you have a child with SN or have had SN in your life then you don't know how to react, if that makes sense.

Amber, I had to giggle at your second comment..I'll pray for you . I can just picture people holding a candlelight vigile on your behalf.

i get this all the time oh what a shame his gorgeous he looks so normal, i just say politely what should he look like then ha ha ha [laugh it off at end], but makes them think doesnt it

'I'll pray for you'

'Sorry I don't need prayers, I'm looking for money...'

5inthebed, I think they did !!

Cyberseraphim

I think you're being a little bit harsh on people who have no experiences of SN. Think of yourselves before your own LO arrived. I'm sure the mum at the gates had no idea quite what to say without thinking she may be causing offence.
To most people unaffected with SN they imagine wheelchairs and grimaces because this is what has traditionally being presented (by media etc).
My husband recently began teaching at a SN school and said it took him about a week to get his head around all the differing disabilities and their associated displayed characterisitics before he was able to get past the disability and view the young people as exactly that, young people.
He loves his job but hates it when people say to him how 'special' a person he is for doing it. He thinks any teacher could do it and views the young people as individual children which of course they are.
The problem is not the parents it's the fact that still very often people and young people with SN are not on easy view in the mainstream therefore other people are not used to them and are ignorant about them, case in point all the hoo haa over the CBBC presenter with one arm.
It's all too easy to knock people who haven't actually done anything wrong but are in all likliehood struggling for something to say in a situation they have not been in before. I'd rather have a go at the idiots who are shouting abuse or making faces than someone who believes sincerely that a prayer/good looking compliment will 'help'

Salvadory, I hear what you're saying, and yet of all the phrases that can possibly come to mind...

"oh god, does he have autism...what a shame"

...is something that is guaranteed to make almost parent feel and any child or adult with an ASD (such as myself) feel and . I'm not therefore a person worthy of respect, worthy of making a contribution to society, I'm a 'shame', something that makes people say "oh god" in horror. Yeheavens, that's not easier to handle than someone pulling faces. At least I can't see the faces.

It's sometimes easier to handle the hate than the pity, if I'm absolutely honest with you. We're either seen as something horrific, or a terrible tragedy, or a brave suffering noble person, or a saint. We are forced into those stereotypes by just about everyone we encounter, and it is SO wearing.

Yes, we need to educate people, but I can't disagree that people need to rant about the way they and their children feel about the relentless comments from time to time.

Anyway, just me trying to explain...

I agree with some of the mums here that it is a fine line between 'meaning well' and being offensive, and that it is a learning process for people who have no experience of the issue. You are going to call me a troll now, but, back in the days before DS was up for assessment, I spent an afternoon with an old friend who's moved back to where we live, and with her DD (9) who has a dx of AS. And yes, I did think "but she's so normal" - I didn't tell my friend that, because I realized it would have been offensive, but, God forgive me, I did think it. Fast forward a few months, and to be honest I think the word 'normal' has exited my vocabulary, never to return

I see what you mean - and seriously, I welcome prayers but I don't like people who tell me they are going to do it as that ( to me) seems more like vanity than piety although it may depend on the context and the way the person says it. I agree too that there is no right thing to say. There is a boy with GDD in my NT son's nursery class and I don't always know what to say to the mother. For example, I can see that her son has made significant progress since I first met him but he is still different from all the other children. Having an ASD child myself does not give me any magical insight into what to say. I try to say that I'm pleased to see the developments but I don't pretend that I don't see the issues as that can be quite hurtful too.

I welcome prayers for general health and answers to problems, but the underlying message is often "If I pray, perhaps God will take your ASD away for you". As people know, I regard my ASD as very much a part of who I am, and as much as it can cause me big problems with certain environments or people's attitudes, I wouldn't want it to go. My own personal preference, not something I impose on others.

So them praying to have it removed is, for me, about the same as them saying they wish I wasn't there at all. Difficult to explain, really.

I'm not praying for ASD to be removed from DS1 but that we find the right help along the way on our different journey.

Amber, this reminds me of an ongoing arguement about cure for autism with my DH. He insists if there was a cure he would want it for DS. I say that without his autism DS would not be DS - it is inextricably part of who he is and his personality. I understand that this may not be everyones view, and I am only talking about MY child with HFA. I do not want him to be pitied, or prayed for. He is who he is. However expecting a stranger to take on board all my emotions and feelings about my son and respond accordingly in a brief exchange is going to be difficult. Platitudes are misguided but not ill-given (most of the time). I still need to vent my frustration at their responses, as I have earlier in this thread -just not at the person who has raised my hackles.

A bit of a ramble, but hope that makes sense

Yes cyber, I want the right support and tolerance and acceptance, rather than cure. I'm not a person of faith, but if i were i guess I might pray for that.