xh deniel - causing real harm to DS's development(long sorry)

[patspeed]

Hi

XH has never accepted DS has Aspergers, it has always been a real worry for me but just got to the stage of 'make this access visit ok'

DS is 9 and doing great, the school are great (after lots of meetings) he goes to social skills groups, attends an ASD group for HFA kids all at his level, I talk to the Autism Support worker,, SALT,OT, his teacher, resource teacher,SNA and Principle on a regular basis

I had started to tell DS a bit about his diagnosis by saying his brain worked a bit different to other peoples, he thought that that was cool and talked about it openly

He seen his Dad this weekend and he told him 'its bollocks about your brain, you're fine, you're Mum and you're fucking Aunty and Nanny are the only ones who think there is a problem, does you're Mum sit in bed every day drinking wine?? You are under a lot of pressure where you live, why wont your Mum speak to me? I am a people person

So he put the blame of an ASD, WTF
???????????????????and
Divorce, on the shoulders of a 9 year old with Aspergers

I know I have to sort this out but how do I sort it out in the least painfull way for DS?

This turned out far longer than I thought, I'll change the title

aahhh!!
forgot to say it effects his development because he gets really fussy about food,clotess and sleeping, which makes school harder etc...............

and I think I'm close to losing my minnnnnnndd

Has your DS got a diagnosis in writing and if so, does your XH have a copy of it?

What did your DS think of what he had to say?

sorry you are going through this, bumping for you as I have no advice sorry. Someone will come along with something useful soon.

I think I can see why he's your ex

Thanks for the replies

Yes, xh has copies of all the reports and has met most of the people involved but just doesn't believe them

I'm sure he thinks I lied to them when DS was being assessed

He has no idea what is involved in an assessment, as he was abroad at the time

DS was very upset about it. Our Support Worker is coming tomorrow to talk to him about it

I'll have to wait and see what she suggests is the best thing to do

This is wrong on just about every level I can think of. It's disrespectful to his son, to you, to the wider family, to the health professionals...and as you say it's putting massive pressure on your ds when he least needs it.

What are the contact arrangements? Is it court-ordered, or do you get to negotiate it between you? If he's saying things this unsettling and unsafe for a child with an ASD, there's good reason for you to stop contact until he can behave better, or ask that contact be properly supervised by court order? Not saying you should do so, but it might be something to think about?

As for your son, pure logic will do nicely. He needs to be given facts he can cope with, and told that sometimes adults say things that aren't true but that he can always ask for proof.

Thanks Amber

Yes disrespectful is the perfect word, DS is doing really really well, his Dad should be proud of him, not messing with his head

Access is arranged between ourselves, so I may have to look into a court order

This is the first time he has really said anything so bad to DS, although he has been saying it to me for years

I had tried before to get a social worker involved but I suppose because xh was only saying it to me they had no concerns about DS, maybe something will happen now its being directed at DS

I'd be certainly looking to now formalise access arrangements through the court system.

Another vote for withdrawing access until it can be formalised, as I'd regard XH imposing his uninformed opinion on your DS over medical fact as abusive.

Thanks again

The Autism Support lady did talk about access arrangements, so I will see what happens tomorrow

I think they will have to take action as its DS who's effected by xh's behaviour now, not me

I hate the idea of court orders but it looks like its the only way to sort it out

Legally, unless there is a court order in place, you don't have to place a child in any situation that you reasonably believe to be against their best interests. So you can stop contact or change contact to make it safer if you so wish, and leave him to go to court to ask for different access arrangements. Depends how you see him reacting to this, since your safety and that of your son are equally important. The courts do recognise that continual abusiveness towards a parent has a bad effect on the child, so he must also be respectful towards you (and vice-versa, of course)

Hi

Well I'm no wiser after today's meeting with the Autism Support Worker

She gave me three options,

Do nothing and let her monitor things

Social Workers getting involved and monitoring things

Go to court and get a judge who doesn't understand ASD's to monitor things

I have no idea what is the best thing to do for DS

I think I will have to ring tomorrow and ask what exactly she can do after she has monitored things

I felt she wanted me to take xh to court so she could wash her hands of the whole thing, not for DS's benefit

I was a bit stressed out with my last post!

The brain lady, as DS calls her is going to do a workbook with him, in helping him to understand how his brain works

He is not to pleased about it but it will be worth it in the end

Hi again

I thought burying my head in the sand would work but it didn't

I feel braver to say about not agreeing to access now because my Dad is staying with me (I know - coward)

The email I'm thinking of

Hi
I wont be agreeing any more informal access arrangements until I think DS's needs are being met

is that too little, I could give 100's of examples but is short and sweet better?

I'd phrase it something like as "I know how important it is for a child to have good and loving contact with their parents. I was very concerned to hear that you had said (......) to ds, and he has been very upset by it. I need to be sure that you understand that as he has (....) this is not good for him, and that you won't be doing it again. If he cannot have that reassurance, I am sure you understand that the informal access arrangements will have to stop until a safer and more appropriate way can be found for you to spend time with each other. Can you please let me know your thoughts on this?"

A court would see at once that you realise the importance of contact, are trying to do the best for your son, and are trying to get agreement. If he then comes back with a load of expletives, record it very carefully, do not react other than to move away and stay safe, and get legal advice if necessary/advice from the women's aid charities as they're excellent on child contact info as well as DV info.

Thank you Amber

That is how I want to try and explain the way things are

I may not send the email until we are on holiday on Monday

I know I should'nt be worried about that but I am, so will feel safer if DS is away when I do send it

On the plus side, DS and Dad are getting on great

Bit strange not Mnetting all evening cos a real live person is in my house but I will enjoy it while I can!

I really am going to sort this out this time and feel free to tell me off if I don't

Thanks again

Hi

Well I sent the email about 10 days ago, pretty much what Amber had written and a bit extra about him talking to the professionals who have been helping and supporting DS for the last 6 years, I told the Autism Serv and DS's school.

He texted yesterday with plans to take DS to London to see his fav football team

No mention of the email

I texted back that I wouldnt be arranging any informal access until he had replied to my email and we had come to an amicable solution to the problem, he replied 'what email and what problem?'

I didnt reply.

I suppose I will have to wait and see, DS will be very disappointed if he cant go to the match but I have to get this sorted out this time

I dont feel as intimidated by him as I have in the past though

god what a nightmare for you. It is such a lot of work getting help and support and validation when your child has SN and made a million times worse if you have an X who is fighting against you. He needs to stop or your son will really get the wrong message about himself.

Thanks hereidrawtheline (wish I had done that years ago!)

Well I had asked XH not to mention the football match to DS until we had sorted things out - so of course he rang DS today and told him about the match and said ask your Mum if you can go I had to say to DS tell your Dad to reply to my email

DS was very confused, I explained that his Dad shouldnt be getting him involved, that he is 9 years old and these are not things he should be worrying about and told him I had asked his Dad not to tell him about the match, as its unfair to get his hopes up

He understands as much as any 9 year old with AS can, it just feels im having to explain things to him that I had hoped he would never know about, nevermind at 9yrs

XH rang DS again and asked would I talk to him or send the email again, I said I would resend it - so I did and have heard nothing since then

I feel so sad for DS, he really doesnt need to be dealing with this

OMG

XH has just emailed back with a long list of complaints

I am sitting on my hands as I really want to reply but I know there is no point..

DS is trying not to blame me for missing the match but he doesnt and cant understand really

XH has demanded a reply by tomorrow

what are his complaints????

patspeed, my best personal advice would be not to get further involved in any list of complaints, no matter how they are. They're meant to make you so don't fall for it. If you respond in any aggressive way at all, he could in theory rush to social services etc and say "my poor son is with this awful woman who says these awful things - please let me have custody". I'm not saying he would, or would stand any chance of this working, but it'd scare the life out of you and son?

I'd say to him that if he has concerns (whatever they are) then surely he agrees that the family needs some outside help to decide what is best for ds, and I'd get some informal advice from an agency like Women's Aid who do a huge amount on child contact situations where one partner is being unreasonable. Doesn't have to involve violence. They'd point you in the right direction. Whatever you do, don't respond using any verbal nastiness whatsoever, keep things short and practical, and do expect him to record telephone conversations and even secretly video you at handover or allege that you did X or Y to him at handover. I've seen any number of verbally abusive partners try this at contact situations over the years, because if they can get you to lose your cool just the once, they've won. If you can, always take a reliable witness with you or copy some sensible person in on the emails so someone else has a record of what you sent, when. It makes it much more difficult for a partner to misuse information. There again, he could suddenly decide to be a sensible dad and not use his son as a way to get back at you. He might.

Hi Thanks for the replies

I have not replied to his email yet

In it he claims DS is being bullied in school for going to a resouce teacher and that he phoned the prinicple last week and informed her of this 'fact'

As his teacher and resource teacher know DS is doing very well and is certainly not being bullied, I think that is my first step tommorrow

I had told them XH was likely to be in touch and have kept them up to date with his behaviour towards DS, so I will see what they advise

I will be very careful about any emails or texts I send from now on

and I do think he has Aspergers and his own father too but thats a whole other thread.............