xh deniel - causing real harm to DS's development(long sorry)

[patspeed]

Hi

XH has never accepted DS has Aspergers, it has always been a real worry for me but just got to the stage of 'make this access visit ok'

DS is 9 and doing great, the school are great (after lots of meetings) he goes to social skills groups, attends an ASD group for HFA kids all at his level, I talk to the Autism Support worker,, SALT,OT, his teacher, resource teacher,SNA and Principle on a regular basis

I had started to tell DS a bit about his diagnosis by saying his brain worked a bit different to other peoples, he thought that that was cool and talked about it openly

He seen his Dad this weekend and he told him 'its bollocks about your brain, you're fine, you're Mum and you're fucking Aunty and Nanny are the only ones who think there is a problem, does you're Mum sit in bed every day drinking wine?? You are under a lot of pressure where you live, why wont your Mum speak to me? I am a people person

So he put the blame of an ASD, WTF
???????????????????and
Divorce, on the shoulders of a 9 year old with Aspergers

I know I have to sort this out but how do I sort it out in the least painfull way for DS?

This turned out far longer than I thought, I'll change the title

Oh my ex h is a bit like this. "He is not bloody autistic, just naughty/spoilt/lazy", and "that bloody school is doing him no good at all I say lets pull him out and you can HE him" - when the school have been beyond amazing and gone above and beyond themselves to help ds adapt to being at mainstream school. This is also the man that begged me not to seek a formal diagnosis for a year after concerns were first raised and then told me when I insisted that "you want him to have autism so you can get loads of attention from everyone". I too believe that my ex has Aspergers or HFA himself and so do his side of the family.

No advice just wanted to let you know I feel your pain. I now just plough on regardless and tell ex as little as I have to.

Hi

I spoke to DS's teacher and SNA today, they said he was unsettled and were glad I had kept them up to date

I emailed xh and said I would not be agreeing any access arrangements as he had made it clear he would not support DS with his diagnosis

He repleid

"dear patspeed, I hear everything you are saying, thank you for your reply,

Regards
xh

This is after a 2 page ranting email on monday

tbh im feel safer when he is ranting but I need to follow this through this time

DS is ok, he has understood things far better than I thought, he is resigned to missing the match but is ok about it

It is a big help to know I am not the only one dealing with this type of thing and yes my attitude is to just plough on
and do what I need to do for DS

Well another weekend gone and he still hasn't replied to my email

DS was very upset about missing the match but he did speak to his SNA in school and she really helped with an example of her own DS missing a match too, so he coped very well in the end

I spoilt him a bit with a trip to a toy shop and kept talking about how he must be very disappointed but it will be sorted out soon

Then x rang again tonight asking DS if he can go to another match next weekend ffs!

I emailed x again and said not to discuss access with DS

He replied my actions are unjustified and immoral, that I am upsetting DS, and everyone (who is everyone?????) are worried if i'm ok - bonkers!

I copied my email again (4th time now) and just said I will not be agreeing any access arrangements until you have replied to my email about my concerns and that he will no longer overrule professional advice

I feel so sorry for DS, he really is trying to figure it out in his head but he shoudnt even know its going on

The one thing I've always noticed about (ex) partners who use abusive tactics against their children is that when they say something about the other partner, it's only ever true of themselves. Note "unjustified and immoral. upsetting DS" exactly describes his own behaviour. Watch out for this, because whatever he says about you will be what he's done or is planning to do himself. Don't ask me how it works, but it's true just about every time.

It might be worth getting hold of someone like women's aid and making the enquiry about how you'd ask someone about supervised contact. This will show that you are making the right moves to keep contact between son and him but in the right safe way. If it all settles down, no harm will have been done by it. Perhaps son could write or email or text his dad to keep contact as well.

Keep really good notes of what you've sent or said, and what he's sent or said. It really helps just in case there's a dispute in court later, as he may well claim that you've sent abusive stuff or sent nothing.

Still really hope he responds positively. He needs that good relationship with his son, and it's up to him to help make it a good relationship.

Thanks very very much Amber

I didn't reply sooner as I was waiting for news but have heard nothing - xh has either gone to a solicitor or social services

The last email I got was to inform me he was canceling DS's private health insurance policy - nothing about DS or my email

DS is ok, just saying 'I hope you guys sort this out soon' and 'if i'm not going away with my Dad can we go to the cinema"

I have been in contact with Womans Aid over the years and know they will support me if we need it

We have our own house now and he lives about 3 hours drive away so I don't feel threatened all the time, but do know where to go if needed

I am keeping very careful notes

but I must add (for my benefit) we are also living our lives and having fun and DS is doing great

Could really do without his Dad coming and messing it all up, Hes is Dad....shouldnt he care????

Hi

I was hoping Amber or somebody could help me with a reply to an email x has sent?

I still haven't agreed any access and I thought he was being sensible about things when he arranged mediation

I agreed I would liase with the mediator but not meet with him

I then got a very angry reply, as he explained very carefully how a mediator works and that I will have to attend with him

I don't think it would be a good idea so was hoping to reply along the lines of

I agree mediation is a good idea but as the problem is not between us but you're deniel of Ds's diagnosis
I don't feel it would help me to be there as you have not listened to me before
You need to engage with the professional who have been helping Ds for years
I would like this to be sorted out ASAP for Ds's sake but until I know you will support his diagnosis and not undo the progress he is making I will not be agreeing any informal access arrangements blah blah...

That's the kind of points I want to get across but I just cant seen to word it properly, it sounds petty and argumentative

Any ideas?

Thanks

Just wanted to say that Im in exactly the same position as you except my baby has no diagnois. My ex said he fell out of love with me.... I was being very negative about our child. Turns out I was right and just being realistic. She has global development delay, hypotonia, no speech or words, physical issues also. My ex does not believe anybody, thinks she has a few little problems.... Im being hauled tru court myself at the moment... its hard enough being a single mammy with a child with serious special needs without this.

Hes gone off to the UK to watch football and misses his access day but demands that he can come along when he gets back and take his child

Ive not much advice but I really know how you feel. Just try to concentrate on you and your ds and not let his comments upset you. It is what he wants, a reaction from you.

I can understand why you are upset as your x is confusing your son which means you have to deal with the consequences, which is not on. He sounds like an old fashioned fella, so it will take so much to get through to him. If you havent already i have supplied a support website, not cos you need it cos it sounds like you are sorted, but with helping you deal with x, might not work, but what the hell, if you dont try, you don't know.

www.aspergers.org.uk/index.php/help_support/

good luck hun.

Hi thanks for the messages

I sent a very brief reply in the end, saying I didn't think mediation would work as the problem is not between us but between him and the professionals involved with DS, but I would be more than willing to liase with them

Spoke to the Irish type of Womans Aid again, very helpful if things get really bad but otherwise the advice was stay firm in my reasoning and not get dragged into things he says

I'm confident that is what I have been doing for the last couple of years, its hard to tell sometimes when someone is telling you your mad

Waiting game again............

Hi

bringing this back as he is now taking me to court

He has seen DS twice since this started again and DS has come home very confused and upset

He then asked could he take DS to London for June bank holiday weekend

I replied I wasn't sure, DS was not coping very well at the moment and would see how he was next week

So he sent a court summons

I am thinking of representing myself

Has anyone else done this?