Parents-is it normal to feel sadness/guilt/depression?

[webstermum]

Is it normal to feel this way if you have an SN child? It doesn't mean I love him any less than my NT ds but it's just so hard. I feel so down all the time. I'm not saying it's his fault but everything is such a struggle and I just end up feeling all the time.

Of course! Loving someone doesn't mean that all the hard work goes away and sometimes it can really get you down. I think a big part of it is rethinking the idea that you had of your child while you were pregnant iykwim. Having to struggle with SN's is not what you thought you had signed up for and it takes a while to accept that. There is a really lovely poem/prose about this called "A trip to Holland" or something like that. It talks about how you are planning a vacation to Italy and you plan for it and think about it and imagine what it's going to be like. But then your plane lands in Holland and it's quite a shock at first. But after a while you realize that Holland has wonderful things too. Lovely countryside and tulips and all kinds of amazing things to discover once you get your head around the fact that this is where you are.

Be nice to yourself about your feelings. It's OK and you can certainly love someone and be a little sad about the situation at the same time.

HTH

jabber

Webstermum, yes, it is. Especially if you're struggling rather than getting the right support/ideas/friendship group to support you and your children. Anything useful around where you live?

Not really I'm in the Scottish Wilderness where today it is minus 11 - not that that has anything to do with this but maybe it's contributing to my low mood. DS is just so unhappy, at school, at home and i dont know what to do. I can't help him if i'm feeling so bloody low all the time. Have made myself an appointment with the doc tomorrow I just feel like I'm letting him down all the time

One large cup of tea for you, I think. Yes, docs might be able to suggest something.

What sort of dx does ds have, what age is he? (sorry if I already should know this - I'm SO bad at remembering info as my brain just won't store info on people somewhere useful).

Someone told me the trip to Holland thing Saturday. It was a perfect description. My problem is that at the moment like you I'm struggling with highlighting the good points. Loads of people keep saying "Oh but you wouldn't change her" - well not her but I'd certainly change parts of her! Like her terrible depression at only 8! Children of only 8 should not feel that black and I feel completely helpless as to how to get in there and help her out of it. BUT I have to keep remembering that I'm her champion in terms of the world and somehow that picks me up renews my vigour and allows me to get on with it. All the best webster mum!

www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html

thats the link to it alwya remind be glad for wht i have not what i don`t

Wills I know what you mean. It's hard to deal with a 5 year old who sometimes says things like "I hate myself" or "I wish I'd never been born"

I am thankful that he can be pulled out of these dark moods fairly quickly and easily at this point but I worry at times about what will happen in his teenage years. That's when I have to remind myself to take it one day at a time.

eek! That grin was supposed to be a

You're very very right about the teenage years. They are frightening me a LOT

Riven you have it very tough and know nothing i can say would make it any easier, butcan understand at basic level some days i just want to be mum not his therapist

oooh thanks for the tea Amber
Ds is 9 & dx is AS. I can't imagine how hard it is for him to have to go to school & deal with people & stuff every day and I have done my absolute best to put strategies in place for him but I feel a bit like a human punchbag having to take all the flak for what has gone wrong throughout his day
Tried to give him a hug just now and he flinched away like I was about to hit him I should know all this by now but it just doesn't get any easier
Can't get to the poem link now, will try again later

Riven sorry for moaning as I know you have a tough time and i dont pretend my situation is anywhere near as hard as yours but it is mentally exhausting & demoralising when you get nothing back. Not that that's why we do it but personally it would give me a lift if there was some feedback - methinks am sounding very selfish now
Despite the lack of anything where I live can honestly say I have found the MNers to be a great source of support -thanks

One of my daughters is on the autistic spectrum and the other has ongoing physical problems having been extremely ill as a baby. I have certainly suffered sadness, guilt and depresssion since I became their mum and I have had things easy compared to many here.

I had counselling a couple of years ago. That really helped as I was able to be completely honest about my feelings. I am no saint and by nature quite a selfish person who needs time to herself! It felt great to say "I feel cursed/angry etc" without being told that I shouldn't feel those things because to do so is to wish away my children.

I think that for me the tiredness has been the hardest part - it is far easier to cope when you have had a good night's rest.

I can see that the Holland thing might help some and it's a very positive message, but in my experience many parents are simply too exhausted to look at bloody windmills.

Good for you, Riven. I hope that the respite goes well and does you all good.

to the OP - yes - the rug is suddenly pulled out from under you with regard to all the naive assumptions one makes before being a parent of a child with SN.

the Holland poem isn't my cup of tea either, I tend to dislike inspirational poetry of any description though.....

Riven - sorry it's been shit.

Webstermum,

"Tried to give him a hug just now and he flinched away like I was about to hit him"

I guess that's one of the hardest things about having one of us around. We don't 'do' the signs of love that people need from us when we need to. And hugs actually can hurt as much as being hit, which is why we flinch away . This is SO difficult to understand sometimes, because if we prepare ourselves and balance our lives moment by moment, we can build up enough 'safe space' to volunteer a hug, a kiss. But if someone does it to us when we're already at maximum overload, it's really scary and it hurts.

And of course people don't want to hurt us or scare us. I get people putting an arm round me, or a hand on my arm, or elbowing me to make a friendly point, or shaking my hand, and it all hurts, but I know that they mean well. If hubby goes to hug me unexpectedly, I know that I pull away, but at least at my age I can explain.

Hugs: sorry if you've tried all this already....Try giving him some safe space after school, a quiet zone where he can chill out and pull something round him like a duvet. And when he's had the time to just switch off, try asking for a hug, but hug him through the duvet. It levels out the sensation of pressure for some of us, and is easier to cope with. Might not work, but it's worth a go.

With all three of us with disabilities and someone always needing something doing, (and me growing up as a young carer to a very ill mum as well as having an ASD myself) I really do appreciate how hard it is.

Webstermum,

"Tried to give him a hug just now and he flinched away like I was about to hit him"

I guess that's one of the hardest things about having one of us around. We don't 'do' the signs of love that people need from us when we need to. And hugs actually can hurt as much as being hit, which is why we flinch away . This is SO difficult to understand sometimes, because if we prepare ourselves and balance our lives moment by moment, we can build up enough 'safe space' to volunteer a hug, a kiss. But if someone does it to us when we're already at maximum overload, it's really scary and it hurts.

And of course people don't want to hurt us or scare us. I get people putting an arm round me, or a hand on my arm, or elbowing me to make a friendly point, or shaking my hand, and it all hurts, but I know that they mean well. If hubby goes to hug me unexpectedly, I know that I pull away, but at least at my age I can explain.

Hugs: sorry if you've tried all this already....Try giving him some safe space after school, a quiet zone where he can chill out and pull something round him like a duvet. And when he's had the time to just switch off, try asking for a hug, but hug him through the duvet. It levels out the sensation of pressure for some of us, and is easier to cope with. Might not work, but it's worth a go.

With all three of us with disabilities and someone always needing something doing, (and me growing up as a young carer to a very ill mum as well as having an ASD myself) I really do appreciate how hard it is.

I totally know what you mean Webstersmum. I find it pretty lonely sometimes.

I was having coffee with my friends on Saturday, and felt I couldn't talk about my son to them as they didnt understand. I did try a few times, but felt they changed the subject quite quickly.

It is hard, especially if you dont know anybody in RL that you can talk to about it with.

I just want to apologize for offending some of you with the trip to Holland thing.

I can't even begin to know what your days must be like, Riven. We are not dealing with anything on that level. It must be unbelievably difficult.