Please - any advice or even kind words? Feel like the crappest mum ever

[MrsMattie]

Sat here in tears and don't know who else to turn to, as DH is away at the moment.

I've posted on MN before about my 3.11 yr old DS (wanted to link to an old thread but can't find it). He's very bright and amazingly verbal, very big for his age, can be the loveliest, sweetest boy, but since day dot has been a complete handful much of the time. He stands out like a sore thumb in a group of children - noisy, out of control, very rough (sometimes unintentional, sometimes not), prone to being aggressive, extremely bossy and inflexible, a whirlwind....the list goes on. We have battled on with every day life with him, doing normal things - nursery, playdates, toddler classes etc and explained away his behaviour to ourselves as over exuberance / his size / a thousand different explanations, but it has come to a head lately. We seem to not be able to lead a 'normal' daily life anymore as DS's behaviour is just too unruly and hard to deal with. i hate to say it about my own lovely boy, but he just comes across as an angry, rude brat a lot of the time

I am seeing his (lovely) nursery teacher on Monday and I am going to ask her straight whether she thinks there is something else going on with my DS. I have been so reluctant to label him I have refused to believe that eh could have some sort of special needs, but it is becoming increasingly obvious that he has. The kind of strategies that work with other children have no effect on DS. it's like he doesn't hear / it doesn't sink in. He is incredibly focused on what he wants to do and that is that. he is pretty much unable to empathise and doesn't much care about what others think.

I am, very worried about what the future holds. I am exhausted with my DS's tantrums. We can't go anywhere anymore - he is just too wild . The final straw came today when I was told buy the teacher at the one toddler class he still goes to that other parents are complaining about his aggressive behaviour and are threatening to leave. I could just sob my heart out, honestly. I just feel like we are increasingly isolated because of my DS's behaviour. In fact i have to stop now as I am crying

Excuse shockingly bad typos!

bump

I am sorry you are finding it tough at the moment.

You are definitely not a crap mum - you have been keeping an eye on things, seeign how they pan out, and now that you are suspecting that your ds may have extra needs, you have made an appointment to talk about them.

Is there anything which seems to trigger his behaviour? - noises? different situations? is there anything you know that does work for him? (situations he loves and you can normally predict how they will go?)

I know how isolating it can be. We have just moved house, and I cannot go to any toddler groups here (I have 2 dds, dd1 is 4.5 and dd2 is 1.11) because i just can't take dd1 to them 9she is ASD). we cannot access most things aimed at pre-schoolers, as I cannot cope with both dd1 (who does not cope well with new situations) and dd2 (can be very clingy, especially if she thinks dd1 is getting lots of attention). So we sit at home every day.

It is difficult, but I have found that concentrating on things I know dd1 can achieve really helps. Today, after school (she goes afternoons only) we went to the shopping centre, and walked down through the centre, asat on a bench (she really likes sitting on benches ) and ate some raisins. That's it. But when we got back to the car unscathed, I felt really good. Because it is the first tiny step towards doing something "normal". I have found that it helps to try to break the cycle of negatvity, even if it is about achieving something tiny. When I am in a cheery upbeat mood with her, her behaviour is better.

I'm waffling now, so I'll stop. I hope you feel a bit better soon

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time.

You must get some specialist advice. Speaking to the nursery teacher is a good start, but remember your GP and health visitor should also be able to offer some support. Don't struggle on your own.

If there is a problem, don't think of it as labelling. A diagnosis will give you access to specialist support, advice and treatment. It should also mean that appropriate provision is made for your son to allow him to continue in a nursery setting. LEA nurseries may be able to apply for additional funding to meet any particular needs he may have.

It must be a challenge for you and this makes it even more important to seek out support.

Good luck.

I'm sorry you are having a rough time atm.

You say he is very verbal, how is his understanding of language? Does he follow a long sentances including "commands" etc? I ask because my DS1 has average expressive language (he did have a delay but he more or less caught up) but he does struggle following instructions etc - I believe this is called receptive language.
If he is struggling with receptive language that could be a factor in his behaviour - as he might not understand what is being asked of him.

As for the other parents complaining, this must have devestating but you know how loving your son really is so don't dwell on it. I think "Mob Mentality" can fester in such groups.

I really hope that the appointment with the nursery teacher is productive and of help to you.

Hi silverfrog. Thanks for the reply, it means a lot.

He is fairly 'good' (ie. co-operative, calm-ish) when he has intensive one-to-one attention and is ding exactly what he wants to do (ie. if we are playing his favourite board game together). Otherwise, he behaves in a very hyper, brattish way. He is particularly bad in groups - the more people about, the worse he behaves. He finds it very difficult to interact in a group of other children and just instantly gets over excited and disruptive.

I find it very hard to predict his heaviour unless it is just the two of us at home. Otherwise, he is very likely to kick off in some way (although doesn't always).

The sort of thing you described doing - walking to town, eating raisins etc - is the sort of thing I try to do each day because it lifts my mood to have some small time with my son when we are communicating in a calm, nice way . But I do just feel so isolated. i also feel such disapproval from other parents in social situations / at the park etc. He kicked off in Sainsbury's the other day (his tantrums aren't 'normal 'toddler tantrums - he was absolutely outrageously behaved) and I felt like the whole world was looking at me like scum.

I'm waffling too, now

Thanks for the support x

Sorry you've had such a hard day today. If its any comfort, I think most of us would admit to not wanting our dc labelled before we had any dx. I know I was terrified about my ds2's dx, but as it happens, him getting a dx of autism was probably the best thing that happened to him, as he now has all most of the help he needs, and I dont feel as bad when he goes off on one when we are out.

Yes he sticks out like a sore thumb ot of the time when we are out in public, and yes sometime I feel like jacking it all in, but there is always that little voice in my head that says he cant help the way he is behaving, and he isnt doing it to get back at me.

Please dont feel you are being a bad parent, as I'm sure you and your DH are doing the best you can.

I hope you get the help you both need.

You must keep telling yourself on an hourly basis that you are doing all you can and sound like the least crap mother ever. You're doing the right thing by talking to the Head, but also go to the GP and ask for a paediatric referral.

Whatever is up with your boy, he won't be unique and other people will have strategies to help you and him. It won't always be this bad. And there will always be MN.

Thanks Nellycake & notfromroundhere

His language is excellent and he is well able to understand instructions but he is extremely selective in which ones he actually follows! It's hard to explain without you observing him, but it's like he listens ./ hears but doesn't really care. he is so focused on what he wants that he shuts out everything else. For a long time I have just thought it is part of his personality (and in some ways it is). He always wants to be 'the leader' (he says as juch himself), to be first, to have the toy etc, and will go to any lengths to achieve his aim. he is scarily single minded and frankly doesnt care how he affects other people. And it isn't purely a discipline thing. NO strategies work with him, really . Even the nursery struggle.

i do think in my heart of hearts it is time to seek some sor of help

Do you think I should go to my GP, then? What do I say? i'll just end waffling and crying, probably . And what will happen from there, anyway?

Thanks 5inthebed and hassled x

I know exactly what you mean about wanting some time (however short or small) where you are interacting nicely. That is my only goal for the next few weeks - to be able, at the end of the day to thinkk "ah, that bit of it was nioe" (dd1 has had a really bad few weeks)

have you thought that your ds might be reacting to noise? you say he is calm-ish at home, and at his worst the more people there are around. dd1 goes absolutely loopy if there is too much background noise. She really cannot function at all. I now sing songs with her, or recite favourite rhymes/stories with her to keep her focussed on me, and to try to ge ther to block out whatever is bothering her. Just my ay of trying to give her a coping strategy, something to take her mind off what is bothering her.

Of course that does mean we get looks a lot, but sod the starers, tbh.

dd1 got complimented 3 times today in waitrose for her singing (shame I couldn't pause to thank the comlimenters, but that would have broken the cycle of songs, which would have defeated the object )

I know it is hard, but do try to ignore the onlookers - whatever their problem is, it is their problem. They do not live your life, and would not have better solutions if they did. I find the easiest way to cope is to narrow my visual field down to the dds, and what is going on immediately around us. My main focus is the girls - everyhting else is irrelevant, and peripheral to our lives at the moment.

would your ds go along with verbal/memory games as you walk along (or as you attend classes - dd1 & I used to sing our way around tumbletots!). things like I spy, or "I went to the shops and bought..." to try to keep his attention, and the feeling that he is engaging with you (dd1 often kicks off if she thinks she is no longer my sole focus)

I would go to the GP but then I did not have any reservations about my DS1 being diagnosed. (Which he was with ASD in December). If you were to go I would tell him the difficulties you are having and ask if you could get a referral. We saw a community Paediatrician (my DS was also seen by a speech and language therapist) but I believe a Development Paed would be the better option. (I have to say the first community Paed I saw was not helpful at all!)

Try and remember that the strategies to date haven't worked but something will - it may be a Health Professional plus you and the nursery can identify what it is triggering the behaviour and you can work from there.

Take care and be kind to yourself, its hard going when you realise that your child is struggling in some way.

I rthink nois could be part of it@silverfrog

He doesn't like anyone else singing and can't stand other people having noisy conversations that don't include him (although I have put this down to him wanting attention - but maybe it is the noise).

Funny you should mention 'I Spy' as we had a major breaklthrough recently by using 'I Spy'. Up until just a few weeks ago I couldnt take him anywhere unless I held his hand at all times - he darted out in roads, ran off etc. But since I had my DD 9 weeks ago I have been unable to hold his hand and push the pram. We stared playing I Spy every time we go out as a way of focusing his attention / distracting him fro running off and he is so much better now in that respect. He will stay with me and gradually we have been able to not play I Spy and just have conversations while we walk and he still doesnt run off most of the time. So that's a breakthrough, I guess . However, as soon as you put someone else into the equation (ie. when we are leaving nursery at pick up time and there are other children around) he goes back to being 'scatty', runs off, doesnt listen to me etc....

sorry, noise

God my typing is atrocious

that's a brilliant breakthrough - well done mastermattie!

could you get him to hold onto the pram handle? it could be the very fact that he is "free" that makes him feel out of control (does that make sense?)

Thanks@notfromroundhere

I get quite confused about what sort help I should be asking for. I think it is part of the reason I have put of doing so. Do i need to see a psyhcologist or an educational specialist or someone the LEA SENco, or what? I suppose the nursery and my Gp are a good start. I just feel out of my depth, i suppose

Yes, that is exactly what it seems like!@silverfrog. It's kind of linked to the fact that he can never walk, he has to run. He never hands things, he always throws things. He can't seem to control his impulses very well. The freedom of being able to walk on his own has always been too much for him, really - but as I said, that is getting loads better when we are on our own.

Thanks for talking this through with me. I really appreciate it.

I love MN

I got referred from my HV, but dd1 was 19 months at the time. HV or GP good, they will know who to refer you to.

Mentioning it at nursery won't hurt either, as they might refer you to LEA people.

Once dd1 was diagnosed we has an Early Years Senco, but I don't know if that can be accessed without a diagnosis (prob differs in different areas anyway)

Portage is something that might be worth looking at. iirc, you can self refer. It's a scheme where you have someone come to play with your ds at set times (ours came weekly, again it differs), and work on things which need looking at, and bring appropriate toys etc. They can also help with pre-school, and ours was fab at organising meetings for everyone involved with dd1 to actually talk ot each other, rather than sending letters that crossed inthe post...

would he tolerate a wrist strap, or even reins? there's those backpack ones you can get for older children?

I am sorry you are feeling isolated and worn down.
I would trust your own feelings and observations. If you do not feel you would cope well with visiting the GP write them a letter with the major points that you have described. Ask for a referral to a developmental paediatrician. I do not know if your son has sn, but it can do no harm to get things rolling.

It is very confusing and it is compounded by things being done different area to area. It may be in your area there is some kind of catch-all clinic going or something. Your GP can refer you to a Paediatrician, and the nursery should have their own SENCo who will have dealings with the Ed Psych - I'm still waiting to hear form ours so I have no idea what they do!

What is your HV like? Maybe worth a call. Mine is great and has got referrals done for a few things for us but I know not everyone can say the same about their HV.

just for known stress times, like nursery pickup, I mean.

you are doing way better than me - kept dd1 in a buggy until very recently (not permanently, you understand ) as I couldn't trust her to walk sensibly, and like you couldn't hold onto her and push a buggy.

So a double buggy it was. And if I know it is going to be a stressful time (queuing in the Post Office for eg, or very busy shopping centres like pre-Christmas) then she still goes in there, as it is easier to keep her calm that way, as I am not forever shouting after her...

she still goes in the shopping trolley seat atound supermarkets too...

so i think you are doing brilliantly to hae your ds walking niely with you a lot of the time

Thanks silverfrog . It is only a very recent occurence, though! He was in the supermarket trolley seat until very recently, too, and we had him in the buggy until the summer when I was too heavily pregnant to push him around anymore! .

It's brilliant to talk to other people in the same situation

notfromroundhere/magso - my HV is pretty crap, actually. Very abrupt and dismissive. Gp is nice, though. I think maybe I might write a letter and go and see her.

silverfrog - havent tried a wrist rein so far. May be an idea, actually. My main fear is him running into the road and I have had a few heart-in-mouth moments when he has ran out of the nursery gates and I have had the pram with me and couldnt just leg it after him...

don't be hard on yourself mrsmattie, you have a really tough job.

when you feel like you are being judged, it feels so bad, but it is a tiny moment in the lives of the people who are judging you, it doesn't maybe get easier, but you do become more prepared, more ready to deal with it. I think you can develop a slightly thicker skin, but still be sad on behalf of your child, still say it is bloody hard work....

having people in the same boat, on your side, who can listen helps - I am so glad of mn, even if I don't post very regularly it really has helped me.

I hope the meeting helps, I have cried buckets in front of too many random concerned professionals, it all hurts, it is just not an easy place to be, esp if you look at all the nt children coping in nursery.

I know you can't avoid supermarkets, but some of the things we have done with my ds; avoid big supermarkets, stick to small ones, quicker to get round and usually quicker for sharp exits with a screaming child - I am sure the bigger the supermarket the worse my ds's meltdowns were.. going with dh, so one of us can attempt to distract but at least deal with ds whilst the other shops/pays...never going in the early evening 5- 7 p.m, ds really struggles then - seems obvious now I am saying it, but I never thought then!

I shop regularly with ds too, and he has gradually learned to cope, he still has moments, but he has matured and become more reasonable, but has also got used to the routine of shopping iykwim... he knows what to expect, I try and tell him where we are going and what for.

certain places can still be a struggle, cafes can be tough, I still go, I might feel judged but I rarely let it show, though sometimes the stress is too much - I know when to leave, but I have stuck at it,... ds can understand what we are doing in a cafe and if I am armed with toys(nip into the local charity shop before we go, let him choose anything) and a magazine, plus any snack foods he might accept as a distraction until food arrives - not exactly relaxing but we have had slow but sure improvement in behaviour.

hth a wee bit.